I've been out of town for a week, in a western desert state where the sun was out EVERY day. It was wonderful. I was with Jack, and even that was a great experience. I was intending to come today and write about that, and how thankful I am for that time.
I am thankful for that time. I am thankful for every day, every minute of that time. I'm thankful for every day when LT & Maggie's grandparents were with them and made them feel loved and cared for.
Unfortunately, last night, reality struck. My only question is, are we there yet?????? Have we reached rock bottom? Nope. Jack has not reached rock bottom. I, however, am starting to feel the rocks on the bottom as they tear at my hands that I'm using to hold myself up.
Tomorrow is d-day for me, or s-day. I'm having some surgery, that while it isn't expected to be serious, it is making me uneasy. I'm trying not to worry, not let fear bring me down. In the midst of all of this, Jack's alcoholic behavior is driving a bigger wedge in our family than ever before.
While I don't condone at all the behavior that LT has engaged in, Jack's need to control, and his absolute my way or the highway parenting mentality is really not healthy. As if I expected healthy? But what is best for LT? He's doing fantastic at school so far. Granted, it's three weeks, but HUGE improvement. At home, it's horrible. We started off with some great family time, each week, all involved and seemingly enjoying it. Last night, Jack thought he needed to go into LTs room and look around. He found 2 pieces of mail that LT had opened with my name on them. And proceeded to MELT down. LT said maybe he should live somewhere else. My heart broke into some small pieces. That is NOT okay with me. I get that he shouldn't have done it. I agree. I get that he should be remorseful and he is - but not on the schedule that Jack would like.
Jack yelled, stormed, left.
When he got home, LT didn't apologize fast enough to suit him. Apparently there is a clock running and you have only x amount of minutes to apologize or it is invalid. Again, I have no idea how many minutes = x, and so far, it seems to be variable.
I suck at math, so this doesn't really work for me. On so many levels.
I remained calm as Jack ignored and disappeared. I attempted civil discussion. Yeah, not so much. He even told me he'd been drinking, so go to bed. I failed to listen. I maintained my mostly calm and not freaking out. I'm proud of that.
How do I answer him when he asks what he has done wrong as a parent to LT? In his eyes, absolutely nothing, but everything he said shows that he has a balance sheet running and he's giving more than everyone else on every level. Especially financially. I remained silent, because after 5 beers, I'm not going there. But was my silence condoning his statements? I don't know, but I'm looking forward to being unconscious for surgery. That's about all I can handle right now.
God, I know you have a plan. I trust you. I believe you can use all things for good for those who are called according to your purposes. Help me in my doubt. (throwing all kinds of scripture references at once.) I know you're still there. Without you, I'd be a bigger mess. Please appear real to me today. Protect LT from himself and all of us from the effects of Jack's drinking. Just for today.
Showing posts with label cycle of alcoholism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cycle of alcoholism. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
It was a Merry Christmas - God at work - Part 1
If you would have told me what the last 4 days would hold, I'd have gone into a hole before it happened. However, I'm not privy to foreseeing the future, so I just lived it as it came.
Saturday - started out great. Went to breakfast, finished up some last minute shopping, just Jack and me, prepared some food together with Abby. Maggie was with her grandma, working on preparing for Christmas at their house on Sunday. LT was busy hiding in his room so he wouldn't get yelled at. I had worked hard, so decided to pick up BFF, Louise, and go for mani/pedis. It is our little treat to ourselves when we feel stressed. As I'm almost done with that, I get a series of urgent texts from Maggie. She's been getting them from Abby - saying Jack is freaking out about LT having a new tv in his room.
(about this time you should know that LT got his TV in early October, purchased with his own money, and I picked it up for him. At that time and most of the time since then, Jack was "out of parenting" with LT, so I didn't see any reason to involve him in the decision.) I return Louise to her house (at this point, LT is working), and pray my way back home. I go in, and as usual, you can cut the tension with a knife. I ask how Jack and Abby are, what they have been doing, and Jack asks me to come upstairs with him. That's either really good or really bad, never in the middle. We get to LT's room and he's got some things out of LT's closet and piled around, including the box for the TV, a game console thingy that went to the computer and he had ordered LT to dipsose of it or store it out of the computer room, and some video games that went to LT's ps something. In case you can't tell, video games are not my thing. Jack demands to know what is going on and why LT has this tv, where did the game console thing come from and when did he buy the games. While yelling at me.
Um yeah, I don't respond well when yelled at. Despite all the drama I've been through in the past 5 years, it has been worse in my first marriage and that isn't something I respond well to. And normally it's not a problem - even with the alcoholic that is Jack.
I said the console thingy was from downstairs, you told him to bring it up. The games - he's had these. I haven't taken him anywhere to get them. The tv - well, here's where I screwed up royally, and i'm not even going to try to make it okay. I lied and said he'd traded his 19" tv with his grandma for this 32" one. Jack freaked out and told me to have him take it back to grandma, and that he wasn't going to grandma's house on Sunday because he was cleaning LTs room and there'd be nothing left.
At this point, I am feeling like this is a TV mini-series. Maybe i'm giving too many details. However, seeing this in print does kind of make it real and obvious to me that i jumped right back into the crazy with both feet, and yikes, that stinks.
So LT (at 11 pm when gets home from work) decides that he's taking everything that is his to grandma's house on Sunday and begins to pack it up right then and there. Of course, this is after Jack has decided (while I was gone to pick up LT) to move into the spare room which shares the wall with LT (at the headboard end, of course). I am trying to stay sane and wrap gifts downstairs, when Jack comes stomping down the stairs to the living room and says he's sleeping there because it's too loud upstairs. Can you say passive agressive?
I promise God is working through all this, but I must post before I become a novel writer...to be continued.
Saturday - started out great. Went to breakfast, finished up some last minute shopping, just Jack and me, prepared some food together with Abby. Maggie was with her grandma, working on preparing for Christmas at their house on Sunday. LT was busy hiding in his room so he wouldn't get yelled at. I had worked hard, so decided to pick up BFF, Louise, and go for mani/pedis. It is our little treat to ourselves when we feel stressed. As I'm almost done with that, I get a series of urgent texts from Maggie. She's been getting them from Abby - saying Jack is freaking out about LT having a new tv in his room.
(about this time you should know that LT got his TV in early October, purchased with his own money, and I picked it up for him. At that time and most of the time since then, Jack was "out of parenting" with LT, so I didn't see any reason to involve him in the decision.) I return Louise to her house (at this point, LT is working), and pray my way back home. I go in, and as usual, you can cut the tension with a knife. I ask how Jack and Abby are, what they have been doing, and Jack asks me to come upstairs with him. That's either really good or really bad, never in the middle. We get to LT's room and he's got some things out of LT's closet and piled around, including the box for the TV, a game console thingy that went to the computer and he had ordered LT to dipsose of it or store it out of the computer room, and some video games that went to LT's ps something. In case you can't tell, video games are not my thing. Jack demands to know what is going on and why LT has this tv, where did the game console thing come from and when did he buy the games. While yelling at me.
Um yeah, I don't respond well when yelled at. Despite all the drama I've been through in the past 5 years, it has been worse in my first marriage and that isn't something I respond well to. And normally it's not a problem - even with the alcoholic that is Jack.
I said the console thingy was from downstairs, you told him to bring it up. The games - he's had these. I haven't taken him anywhere to get them. The tv - well, here's where I screwed up royally, and i'm not even going to try to make it okay. I lied and said he'd traded his 19" tv with his grandma for this 32" one. Jack freaked out and told me to have him take it back to grandma, and that he wasn't going to grandma's house on Sunday because he was cleaning LTs room and there'd be nothing left.
At this point, I am feeling like this is a TV mini-series. Maybe i'm giving too many details. However, seeing this in print does kind of make it real and obvious to me that i jumped right back into the crazy with both feet, and yikes, that stinks.
So LT (at 11 pm when gets home from work) decides that he's taking everything that is his to grandma's house on Sunday and begins to pack it up right then and there. Of course, this is after Jack has decided (while I was gone to pick up LT) to move into the spare room which shares the wall with LT (at the headboard end, of course). I am trying to stay sane and wrap gifts downstairs, when Jack comes stomping down the stairs to the living room and says he's sleeping there because it's too loud upstairs. Can you say passive agressive?
I promise God is working through all this, but I must post before I become a novel writer...to be continued.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
It's a Full Moon, Mabel
On the down side, he forgets eating something and yells at the kids for eating it all. We have converstations and he says the next day - You never told me that. I'd like to scream sometimes, but I know it won't do any good.
There is a cycle, that's for sure. Every full moon, it seems. Lucky for me, there are two this month!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Progressive Disease, Progressive Healing
I started this post several days ago, with only the title. It seems that is the theme right now. Jack's alcoholism is progressing. He is continuing to spend most evenings after supper lying down - sometimes sleeping. This is virtually unheard of in the 7 1/2 years I've known him. Usually he can't lie still for more than 10 minutes at time without medication, especially to sleep. At the same time, he's been drinking more steadily, and then the last 2 days, nothing. It's like he's in this battle with himself. Very crazy. And as usual, he's silent and distant when he's having this battle.
More importantly to me, is the fact that I've been seeing this happen, and not taken any of the guilt I would typically pick up about why he is acting so distant. I KNOW it isn't about me. I hate that this is how it is. I would like to be able to talk to him about what is going on. I'd like him to go to a doctor and tell them what is going on - the truth - and seek help. But, that isn't my decision. I also feel such a sense of freedom at the same time feeling so sad that he feels he must live this internal battle alone. I love the person who is underneath this disease, the real one...it doesn't have to be this way. At least I know that I don't have to be in that state of depression along with him anymore. That is tremendously freeing. I'm pretty sure if you've never lived with an alcoholic you probably think I'm and uncaring *itch. Unfortunately, when you live with an alcoholic, most rules that apply to "normal" relationships don't apply here. I'm glad you don't know what it's like. You are blessed.
I will keep going one step at a time, one day at a time, and letting God have control. His plan is better than mine, and I have faith in Him, and his timing.
More importantly to me, is the fact that I've been seeing this happen, and not taken any of the guilt I would typically pick up about why he is acting so distant. I KNOW it isn't about me. I hate that this is how it is. I would like to be able to talk to him about what is going on. I'd like him to go to a doctor and tell them what is going on - the truth - and seek help. But, that isn't my decision. I also feel such a sense of freedom at the same time feeling so sad that he feels he must live this internal battle alone. I love the person who is underneath this disease, the real one...it doesn't have to be this way. At least I know that I don't have to be in that state of depression along with him anymore. That is tremendously freeing. I'm pretty sure if you've never lived with an alcoholic you probably think I'm and uncaring *itch. Unfortunately, when you live with an alcoholic, most rules that apply to "normal" relationships don't apply here. I'm glad you don't know what it's like. You are blessed.
I will keep going one step at a time, one day at a time, and letting God have control. His plan is better than mine, and I have faith in Him, and his timing.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
He said, she said, he doesn't remember...
I don't know what to say, so I'll just let my mind go. Today it came to Jack's attention that he is having blackouts. I suspected it, but today in a conversation, he stated that he didn't remember anything that happened last night, not the words he said, not the actions he did, not the hurtful things that happened. None of it. And I believe it. I asked some other questions about other instances that have been happening since the whole latest cycle of drama have occured, and he didn't remember any of them happening. He then said he told me a few weeks ago that a good event that had happened, that we had talked about, that he didn't remember that either. When he said at the time he didn't remember it, it was like he was teasing me. Like he was playing. And he let me believe that then.
I guess this is a good sign, that I'm truly not crazy. That sometimes when it feels like we are living in two different lives, yet in the same house, family, area...that we are. I have the life where I can see and hear what goes on, and he doesn't. No wonder on top of the alcoholism, that he thinks differently about nearly every encounter our family has together than I do. I know what's going on. Sadly, this is only going to get worse until he realizes what is causing this problem. He's still blaming it on some medication, and that could have some effect. However, I think a lifetime of daily drinking 8-10 beers is probably the true cause.
We shall see what God has planned. I trust Him because He never leaves me nor forgets me. Thank goodness He is in control, cause I'm not capable of fixing this for sure!
I guess this is a good sign, that I'm truly not crazy. That sometimes when it feels like we are living in two different lives, yet in the same house, family, area...that we are. I have the life where I can see and hear what goes on, and he doesn't. No wonder on top of the alcoholism, that he thinks differently about nearly every encounter our family has together than I do. I know what's going on. Sadly, this is only going to get worse until he realizes what is causing this problem. He's still blaming it on some medication, and that could have some effect. However, I think a lifetime of daily drinking 8-10 beers is probably the true cause.
We shall see what God has planned. I trust Him because He never leaves me nor forgets me. Thank goodness He is in control, cause I'm not capable of fixing this for sure!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Houston, we have a problem...
Well, as I guessed in my last post, here we are again. Stuck in this bad place of denial, delusion, misperceptions, and insanity. Luckily I'm not as wrapped up in it this time, and I feel much better. It starts with a cranky mood, and spirals from there. I swear there is another person inhabiting Jack's brain. Actually, I think it is just the alcohol slowly eating away at the brain he has, and he now doesn't act like himself. It is sad, really. I'm feeling better knowing that in reality, God is in control of this situation, He already knows the outcome, and we will all be okay. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around how there seem to be two different lives...his and everyone else's. He's constantly ripping off how he imagines everyone thinking about the most trivial things, like the kids left some clothes that were too small for them in the hall for 3 days - in a box, not scattered. You would have thought that I personally wanted to cut off his right arm. It was that serious of a matter to him. Way blown out of proportion. I made a mistake though. I responded and tried to defend them. When I tried to calmly talk to him for two days, he'd refuse to get off the computer (porn) and converse with me. Finally when I asked to talk, he said all I did was question him, so I just decided to speak honestly, but not with any blame to tell him how I was feeling, that I felt worried with his health issues that he was drinking too much. Yeah, that got me a tirade about how just because you accidentally bump someone, or break something, that doesn't make it okay when you say you are sorry. I'm not sure how those two topics tie together, but okay...that was bothering him. After his little freakout about that, he clammed back up, and went on to ignore me.
I'm not going to lie, even with all the healthy things I'm doing....detachment, al-anon meetings, reading good books on alcoholism, I am scared for his health and safety. He drinks about 8-10 16-oz. beers every night, and sometimes more. He has to know that he is slowly killing himself. Maybe that is what he thinks will help him feel better, I don't know. I guess I'm glad I'm on the outside of the inside looking in rather than in that place myself. I'm sure God is tired of hearing my prayers, but I really think only God can intervene in this situation. How does anyone face this crap life throws at us without God? I don't know, but I sure couldn't.
I'm not going to lie, even with all the healthy things I'm doing....detachment, al-anon meetings, reading good books on alcoholism, I am scared for his health and safety. He drinks about 8-10 16-oz. beers every night, and sometimes more. He has to know that he is slowly killing himself. Maybe that is what he thinks will help him feel better, I don't know. I guess I'm glad I'm on the outside of the inside looking in rather than in that place myself. I'm sure God is tired of hearing my prayers, but I really think only God can intervene in this situation. How does anyone face this crap life throws at us without God? I don't know, but I sure couldn't.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Here we go again
If anyone thinks they know alcoholism, and don't think it is a cycle of insanity, they are wrong or lying to you. Late Saturday started what is a typical downward spiral. At least I can recognize that now - and not take it personally. When I can slow down and think. I have to remember to not react, but to act after thinking. I'm so glad Alanon has helped me to get my head better. We did have a wonderful vacation and I was able to enjoy that when it was happening and have good memories from it. But now here we are in the thick of things again. Please pray, or send good thoughts, whatever it is you do. I really wish he could see the life he is missing out on. I also think the progression of alcoholism is happening. He has become so forgetful and cranky that he can't remember anythihng and focus on anything. Well there's the porn. He can sure focus on that. I guess I need to be thankful it's on the computer and not the television where we all have to live.
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