Sunday, August 21, 2011

I trust God

Trust in the Lord with All your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. I repeat this verse to myself when I can't bear to get through one more day. I trust in God, I trust His plan, and even though I can't see through the drama, the alcoholism, the pain, I know God is still here, right beside me, holding me in the palm of His hand. This weekend has really stunk from the perspective of what alcoholism is doing to Jack, but it has shown me what I trust. I can't trust man, but I trust God.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

He said, she said, he doesn't remember...

I don't know what to say, so I'll just let my mind go. Today it came to Jack's attention that he is having blackouts. I suspected it, but today in a conversation, he stated that he didn't remember anything that happened last night, not the words he said, not the actions he did, not the hurtful things that happened. None of it. And I believe it. I asked some other questions about other instances that have been happening since the whole latest cycle of drama have occured, and he didn't remember any of them happening. He then said he told me a few weeks ago that a good event that had happened, that we had talked about, that he didn't remember that either. When he said at the time he didn't remember it, it was like he was teasing me. Like he was playing. And he let me believe that then.
I guess this is a good sign, that I'm truly not crazy. That sometimes when it feels like we are living in two different lives, yet in the same house, family, area...that we are. I have the life where I can see and hear what goes on, and he doesn't. No wonder on top of the alcoholism, that he thinks differently about nearly every encounter our family has together than I do. I know what's going on. Sadly, this is only going to get worse until he realizes what is causing this problem. He's still blaming it on some medication, and that could have some effect. However, I think a lifetime of daily drinking 8-10 beers is probably the true cause.
We shall see what God has planned. I trust Him because He never leaves me nor forgets me. Thank goodness He is in control, cause I'm not capable of fixing this for sure!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Houston, we have a problem...

Well, as I guessed in my last post, here we are again. Stuck in this bad place of denial, delusion, misperceptions, and insanity. Luckily I'm not as wrapped up in it this time, and I feel much better. It starts with a cranky mood, and spirals from there. I swear there is another person inhabiting Jack's brain. Actually, I think it is just the alcohol slowly eating away at the brain he has, and he now doesn't act like himself. It is sad, really. I'm feeling better knowing that in reality, God is in control of this situation, He already knows the outcome, and we will all be okay. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around how there seem to be two different lives...his and everyone else's. He's constantly ripping off how he imagines everyone thinking about the most trivial things, like the kids left some clothes that were too small for them in the hall for 3 days - in a box, not scattered. You would have thought that I personally wanted to cut off his right arm. It was that serious of a matter to him. Way blown out of proportion. I made a mistake though. I responded and tried to defend them. When I tried to calmly talk to him for two days, he'd refuse to get off the computer (porn) and converse with me. Finally when I asked to talk, he said all I did was question him, so I just decided to speak honestly, but not with any blame to tell him how I was feeling, that I felt worried with his health issues that he was drinking too much. Yeah, that got me a tirade about how just because you accidentally bump someone, or break something, that doesn't make it okay when you say you are sorry. I'm not sure how those two topics tie together, but okay...that was bothering him. After his little freakout about that, he clammed back up, and went on to ignore me.
I'm not going to lie, even with all the healthy things I'm doing....detachment, al-anon meetings, reading good books on alcoholism, I am scared for his health and safety. He drinks about 8-10 16-oz. beers every night, and sometimes more. He has to know that he is slowly killing himself. Maybe that is what he thinks will help him feel better, I don't know. I guess I'm glad I'm on the outside of the inside looking in rather than in that place myself. I'm sure God is tired of hearing my prayers, but I really think only God can intervene in this situation. How does anyone face this crap life throws at us without God? I don't know, but I sure couldn't.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Here we go again

If anyone thinks they know alcoholism, and don't think it is a cycle of insanity, they are wrong or lying to you. Late Saturday started what is a typical downward spiral. At least I can recognize that now - and not take it personally. When I can slow down and think. I have to remember to not react, but to act after thinking. I'm so glad Alanon has helped me to get my head better. We did have a wonderful vacation and I was able to enjoy that when it was happening and have good memories from it. But now here we are in the thick of things again. Please pray, or send good thoughts, whatever it is you do. I really wish he could see the life he is missing out on. I also think the progression of alcoholism is happening. He has become so forgetful and cranky that he can't remember anythihng and focus on anything. Well there's the porn. He can sure focus on that. I guess I need to be thankful it's on the computer and not the television where we all have to live.