Tuesday, December 23, 2014

This About Sums it Up

So today, I ran across this post: Don't Roll Into the Holiday 'Till You Read This.  It says EXACTLY what I've needed to hear.  I've been really struggling with the holidays, for years actually, and this year I about went over the edge when Jack spat at me that LT couldn't stay with us for his entire Christmas break from school.  Instead of just talking to me about it, in his typical Passive/Aggressive way, said something vague and then I was supposed to interpret what that meant.  After tiring of his cold shoulder routine, I guess he finally was tired of acting like that too, and decided to talk to me.  Now, I can understand that he doesn't want to have the entire month long period being stressed for everyone, and by everyone, he means him and Abby, but we can have LT here several times, just no more than 3-4 days at a time.
Really?  I try not to be too bitchy about things that go on in the insanity circle that is the alcoholic family dynamic, but this isn't what I wanted my family to look like.  I guess that's why Momastry's post really struck me.  Rarely do our families live up to the shiny sparkly families that are advertised on every station and in every magazine.  We are all a bunch of messy, broken humans trying to get through life.  I accept all of my family and their messiness.  I just wish those messes didn't have to hurt so much.
Praying for peace and joy for your family this Christmas.
Please remember the reason we celebrate - the gift of God in human form - He came to this messy world so we could know a better place.
Blessings to you and yours.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Christmas Time is Here

The holidays are almost here.  This year they look a little different - with LT being away at college, it's just been us and the girls.  He's doing great so far, and I'm ready to see him.  Thanksgiving he was home, but was sick the whole week.  Although, I've been told he can't stay at our house the entire vacation, so I guess he'll go spend some time with the grands, and have a wonderful time of peace and relaxation. That's what I want for him most.  He's done really well in most of his classes, better than in high school.  I'm so proud of him for following his dream even when that means moving quite far away.  I believe in him, and also that God has him right where he should be.  The girls are both having their usual amounts of drama.  At least the house is looking nice, and more like a woman lives in it instead of all camo and wildlife.  Finally an improvement :-)

Jack is still Jack.  Some days are good, some days he has great thought and kindness and shares with me that he can see his blessings.  Other days, the demons get in the way.  I'm thankful for the good times and know the bad ones will pass. 

If you are the praying kind, please keep us in your prayers, that we'd have a good family time together while LT is with us, and that perhaps in some small way Jack will see the good in LT and show him that. 

Thankful for each of you reading even when I only write sporadically.  I want to do more, and will try.  Sometimes it just seems redundant what I have to say, and my hope that each day will get better.  Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

On this day in history...

We celebrate the Veterans of our nation today.  I am eternally grateful for their service, the sacrifices made and the lives that each one has given to serve us as citizens and our country.  And it's my birthday :-)  I'm just pausing to thank God for this day, my good friends, my BFF, my family (both original and my husband and kids).  While I've had many struggles, not all of which I've talked about here, I know that God has been with me each step of the way and used my mistakes to fulfill His purposes as well as opening doors and closing some as well.
Sometimes in the midst of alcoholic crazy-making behavior and dealing with it, I lose sight of the good that I have.  Today I pause as I think of the Veterans of our Country, and the blessings I have too.
Have a great day, and stay warm!


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

What Today Looks Like

My days go by so quickly.  I have lots I want to say, but don't take the time to stop and say them.  Today, I'm stopping to say the words.  There has been a lot of adjusting for me lately to a lot of changes.  Change is kind of like that saying, "Lead, Follow or Get out of the Way."  Change, Resist, or Wallow...

LT is doing great at college.  He seems to be thriving.  Just like I knew he would.  He's struggled with one class, decided to change majors, and is picking back up with his creative pursuit next semester.  He's holding down a job and 1/2.  He seems so comfortable in his own skin.  I'm so thankful to see him happy.  I hate that he's 600 miles away, but it's where God wants him for this time, and it is a good place.  He's even been going to church, and it was a really good experience he shared with me when I was there.

Abby seems to be doing better, becoming more independent, and growing in her faith.  It's great to see.  Then she'll have days where she comes over, collapses at our house and sleeps for hours - like she doesn't know how to relax in her own home, so she does it at ours.  Glad that she feels comfortable and can relax with us.

There's miss Maggie.  She's really finding herself.  She's in a local theater production - in a million years, I'd not have imagined her so willing to get up in front of people.  It's awesome to see.  She's driven on her own twice now.  I can't even believe that it is possible.  My baby.  Almost 17.  She's got some teenage attitude, but really, it's minimal. 

Then there's Jack.  He is in his October State of Mind.  Meaning he's heading to the winter depression.  Maybe it's something else, but it happens every year.  At least this year, I'm trying really hard to remember what is true, and what is true is that it's not about me.  Whatever he's going through isn't in my control to change or make better.  So I'm not picking up that responsibility.  It's a good thing.

And me - well, I'm going through a lot.  I miss the days of my young children, but am so thankful for the amazing people they are becoming.  Proud of them and their choices and achievements.  My body is also rebelling.  I am struggling to exercise while dealing with horrible foot pain.  I refuse to stop because I've been following through for 6 weeks now.  I don't want to go backward.  I'm tired of taking medicine for blood pressure, and being tired all the time.  I've been eating better, and losing weight ever so slowly.   My body is officially in the "menopause range" according to a hormone blood test.  Perhaps that is why I cry about half the time and don't want to be around anyone the other half.   Probably why the pounds are creeping off.  At least they are slowly coming off.  My winter clothes fit, so I'm grateful for that.  I want to make beautiful things and be at home, but the whole one kid in college and another headed that way prevents my creative concentration for now.  I feel so depressed, but know there is no reason to feel that way.  I keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other.  I guess that's all we can do any day.

I just have to keep focused on what God has for me to do in this season.  And he's really good at showing up.  I leave you with my son's photo - gorgeous sight of God's handiwork.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

A Little Peace and Quiet, Sort of...

I guess I've been away longer than I thought.  July is now nearly over, and it's been just crazy.  I can't believe in 3 weeks, LT will be at college.  He's been staying at my parents, and I think he's enjoying it.  I miss him, but he does call me quite a bit, so that makes me feel better.  Miss Abby is having some anxious moments, over what, I'm not exactly sure.  Just hope the latest issues with her maternal parent aren't serious.  Maggie continues to be a ball of energy, playing tennis, learning to drive, and generally being much perkier than I ever am.  I think this must be a genetic alteration...lol.  Jack is on the last day of a quick work trip, and I've had exactly 3 hours to myself over those 4 days.  It's been lovely, but I canned tomato juice, so I've been working all those hours!  
Over this weekend, I also met a new friend and helped her at an estate sale for 2 days.  What a scream.  We don't commonly have those around here, but where she's from, they are very common, and she started a business here.  It's so fun.  Sort of like an auction and a garage sale, but with no bartering.  The 2nd day has 1/2 price after 1, then the 3rd day is 75% off.  I didn't stop by today, so I'm not sure how busy it was, but the first day they handed out 36+ numbers to enter the house.  It was so tiny AND packed, that they could only let in 18 people at a time.  I had so much fun. 
I spoke with a friend/counselor the other day - still trying to get through this blah feeling.  She recommended I figure out what I want to do with the next 20 years of my life, not that being "mom" no longer takes 24 hours of my day.  I really want to work in a library or be a private investigator.  So, I guess I will begin investigating (haha - pun!) those as possible options.  I liked that estate sale thing, but it is LOTS of hard work.  
Oh, in an interesting turn of events, I received a letter from Jake.  From Prison.  He wants me to intervene with Jack and encourage Jack to have a relationship with him.  I'm not really sure that's what Jack wants, or he'd already have done it, nor am i sure that it is what's best.  The worst part is through this all, Jake has never said one time that he was sorry for what he did to start this whole chain of events, nor the actions he did to worsen it.  I'm just thankful for God's protection over my kids while they were younger.  God is so good.  Amazingly good. I haven't written him back because what I want to say, he probably won't want to hear. 
I guess I'd better get back to enjoying my time alone until Abby gets here. 
Keeping my blog friends in my thoughts and prayers.  There are still really good people in the world, and it's great to actually see them.  

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

It's July already?

I can't believe it's July already.  How does this summer keep rushing by?  I'm doing better with the depression.  Glad that the sun is out most days.  That seems to be helping.  Tomatoes are on the plants - just waiting to turn yellow, then orange then red.  When the tiny ones pop out now, I grab them and eat them before I can get to the house!  So delicious.
Maggie & LT went on a retreat.  It was glorious to have a peaceful house for a few days.  Then they were back, and LT is back with the grands.  Maggie has taken on the 16 y-o angst and irritation identity.  She can leave that where she found it.  I've had enough already.  If she thinks she's going to drive a car while talking the way she is now - um, forget.it.
Jack is Jack.  Some days good, some days less great.  I guess I'm the same way.  I hope I'm not treating him the way he treats me, but honestly, some days it takes all I have to be civil.  Courteous.  And it also feels like he and Maggie are ganging up on me.  There's a chapter in one of my books that talks about that phenomenon.  I'm going to have to re-read.  It never really applied to me until now. 
Still praying that we will find the money for LT to go to college.  I'm still so angry at their biological father.  I can't believe he didn't leave them anything at his death.  I hope his parents are enjoying their money.  They can go on another cruise, or buy a house in Florida now.  It's always been about the money and it always will be.
Sorry for the negative thoughts today. It's just where I am.  I still believe all things will work out. I trust in my God.  I believe in Him.  (Please help me in my unbelief.) (Mark 9:24)

Saturday, June 14, 2014

What an Adventure

Road trip 101.  First things first.  LT & I are on a road trip to visit the college of his choice that is about 600 miles from home.  It has been quite the adventure so far.  The first thing I learned – always bring an atlas.  Google maps and apple maps may be readily available on your phone, but they are not always the best indicators of the actual route you should take.  When in the world did we start listening to a machine to tell us where to go??!?  I’m firmly convinced that those things are updated by Scooter and Moron in the back room of an un-named tech company where they have been spending their days on drinking or smoking pot!  I kid.  I’m sure those products work fantastically.  However, I’m also certain that the people who wrote the code for them have never been inside the state of Missouri.  They can’t possibly know what they are doing.  We were driving around rural Missouri for 2 hours before I said enough – get back to a main highway!   Then, miraculously we found the western edge of Missouri and were on our way…I was so frustrated.  At least we were listening to Jim Gaffigan who had me laughing so hard I was crying.  Finally a good reason to cry. 
I’ve been having a rough time.  I’m not sure if it is all the change with LT, tiring of the drama with Jack’s drinking/alcoholism, my own hormones or what.  I cry all of the time. Over nothing.  Over everything.  I’m trying some changes to my antidepressants, so hopefully that will help SOON.
I’m currently trying to relax while LT is off at the U bonding with his fellow freshmen.  I hope it will work – for both of our sakes.  I do think he is in the write place.  After the orientation yesterday, I feel confident that he can thrive here.  Succeed.  Not just make it.  As long as he takes advantage of every opportunity for help that they offer, he will flourish.  That is my prayer for him. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

A New Chapter

First I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth.  I've been battling severe depression, but with all the changes going on, I didn't recognize it for what it was.  LT's been living with grandparents.  While I know it's the right thing, it has made me so sad.  I miss him when he's not here.  It's been good to have him here this weekend.
Feeling back on track now - and it's a good thing!
Today is LT's high school graduation.  I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn and thought those same words and nearly had a panic attack.  But, HE IS GRADUATING!!  Several times we didn't now if that would happen yet.  But he worked hard, put his mind to it and DID it!  I'm so proud of him  And in a few days, we are going to visit his college of choice - 10 hours away.  I'm really proud of him for wanting to take this adventure - the price is slightly prohibitive, but I told him you only have to have the first payment for the first due date, and we'll face the next one as it comes.  If God wants him on this path, He will show us how to get there.
So today, there's church, graduation, his party, and then I collapse.  And start again tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll be able to post later tonight or tomorrow.  Please pray that the party goes well.  Jack and LT have been getting along so poorly, but it's really more LT acting like an adult than Jack.  That's just sad.
This is my boy, so long ago...

Friday, May 16, 2014

What I've Learned So Far

And now, after talking with a sweet friend I've thought of some other things.  It's a good thing, since I've 50 more to go...
51.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  I don't have to take it all personally and to heart.  Listen, think, then act.
52.  It is always in my best interest to choose my actions rather than react to a situation.
53.  Time spent with my children is never wasted.
54.  I've learned that I LOVE Yoga, and so do my pants.  The yoga pants were very excited by their first trip!  I love that I have learned to shut out the world and just quiet my brain for that hour.  What a gift!
55.  Once upon a time, I was an athlete, with an athlete's body.  That time has passed.
56.  I love to hear my children laugh.  Especially together.
57.  I don't ever want to treat a stranger nicer than I treat my family.
58.  When I listen to KLove - invariably I will hear a song that hits me right where I need to feel it.  God is so good!
59.  I will never be able to stand the smell of Obsession for men by CK.  It makes me physically sick.  There is a truth to that whole smell triggering memories.
60. Rain is good, and we needed it.  Enough for now, so please return the sun to it's previous condition.  Thank you.  Just as a reminder, here is what it looks like:

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Continuing Onward...

Took the day off yesterday.  I was crazy busy, but did have time to make a good dinner.  I'm starting to be about as exciting as a facE!book post.  Shall we continue on with my pearls of wisdom?  I know you're just on the edge of your seat with anticipation!

41.  I've learned that my children have a wonderful sense of humor if they let it out.  I'm hoping they got that from me. 
42.  It's good to be able to laugh at yourself.
43.  Being a grown-up is sometimes highly overrated.
44.  I have a better chance of winning the lottery than correctly predicting what kind of mood Jack will be in when coming home at the end of the day.
45.  A cute pair of shoes really doesn't matter.  But it can make the drama more tolerable.
46.  No is a complete sentence.
47.  Exhaling is a great stress reliever.  If you are anxious, do it - it helps.
48.  Eighteen years ago, my baby was 6 months old.  I don't understand how the time passes so quickly.
49.  Remembering your gratitude list - even if it's only 1 thing, and focusing on that, helps in bad times.
50.  On any given day, COPS will probably be on the TV at our house for at least 30 minutes.

Halfway there! 
Have a great spring day.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Back after a Brief Techology Free Weekend

I just spent the weekend free of Technology, and it was so lovely.  It was a beautiful day Friday, and had the day off work so I was pampered!  I no longer have the gray hair that belies my young age...haha.  So now I continue with my 100 listing, and I'll try to do 20 just to be self-disciplined and all...
         21.  While living with an Alcoholic is not something I would wish on anyone, there are still more days of blessings than of curses.  I'm thankful for that.
         22.  There is very often an irony in people's lives that they don't see - case in point - Jack so wants - still at mid-50s - his father's approval.  His father is never going to show it in the way Jack needs to see it.  Every day LT wants Jack's approval.  Jack is never going to show it in the way LT needs to see it.  I hope LT hears me and knows that we love him no matter what - his worth is not based on his performance.
         23.  I still love to garden and am so thankful that we have the space in our yard for flowers and beauty.
         24.  Watching your children grow up is hard.  Much more difficult than being overwhelmed when they were small.  If only you could know that when they are small. 
         25.  I still wonder how two (or more) children can start out with the same 2 parents and come out so completely different, act with completely differing sets of morals and actions.  They experienced the same parenting, yet are wired nothing alike.
         26.  Just when you think winter will never end, spring arrives.  What a relief.
         27.  The unconditional love of a dog is an amazing gift.
         28.  God will work things out in a better way than you can possibly imagine, if you can be patient and trust that He knows what He's doing.  And with the exception of your own actions/reactions, you are not in control.  At All.  Ever.
         29.  There was a time when I thought I could protect my children from any harm.  I was wrong.
         30.  I was also wrong about my ability to change someone else.
         31.  It's awesome to see God working in the everyday.
         32.  Once upon a time, we lived with no television.  It was wonderful.
         33.  It was during that time that my love of reading grew into a passion.
         34.  What you put into your mind definitely affects what you feel in your heart.
         35.  You have to laugh or you will cry.  Laughter is always better.
         36.  "Make hay while the sun's shining" is kind of an ironic saying to me since the only time hay baling is ever done seems to be the hottest, most humid day(s) of the year.
         37.  Why are there Braille letters on a drive-up ATM?
         38.  Naps are wasted on children.  The parents are the ones who need the naps - still.
         39.  Seeing your children performing music is a gift.  Don't take it for granted.
         40.  Knowing how to have a conversation with people face to face seems to be a dying art.  Let's practice it more often.

    Okay, that's all I've got for today.  In case you're wondering, that leaves 60 more bits of knowledge left for me to impart.  It's like I'm some kind of oracle.  Ha ha ha ha.
    Have a great Monday.

    Wednesday, May 7, 2014

    90 more to go

    With my 100th post celebration yesterday, I may have gotten a little carried away with thinking I have 100 "pearls of wisdom" to share with the world.  But I am feeling spunky, so onward we go.  In the interest of linking up to Pour Your Heart Out on Things I Can't Say, I'm reaching back to some things I learned long ago, about my kids.

    • 11.  While the two sets of genes that started out together are the same, the way they get rearranged into a child are NEVER the same.  Siblings may start from the same parents, but oh how differently they can come out.
    • 12.  Sharpie will eventually come off the side of a portable dishwasher.  And also a 2 year old's arm.  Eventually.
    • 13.  Never leave your *e-bay account logged in with a 4 year old around.  He can and may purchase an electric train for himself.  How he can find that when he can't spell is still a mystery to me.  I mean theoretically speaking, of course.
    • 14.  The look of your first born when he first meets his baby sister may break your heart all over again as he wonders who is in HIS spot - there in your arms.
    • 15.  Once in a lifetime, birthday cake for breakfast is okay.
    • 16.  Have someone else take a picture of you with your children when they are young.  If you are always holding the camera, you will never have a photo of yourself with your babies (although this may be slightly showing my age, in the era of the "selfie").
    • 17.  Never underestimate the power of Thomas the Tank Engine.
    • 18.  After learning something in pre-school, it's always good to test it out in practice.  Say you learned about first-responders in class.  You wonder if you dial 911, do they really come?  They will come to check on you if you hang up.  Really.  
    • 19.  It does take a village to raise caring children.
    • 20.  The best memories never involved my phone or a text.

    Please take a minute and check out what others are saying.  

    Tuesday, May 6, 2014

    100th Post!! Who would have thought?

    Wow - this is my 100th Post!!  I can't believe it.  I don't write nearly as often as I think of things, nor as often as I'd like to, but here it is, my 100th post.  Most times, it seems that when a blogger reaches 100 posts, they do a give-away or something.  I wonder if I should do that.  Unless you like a knit hat or a baby blanket or something, you'd probably just as soon that I not give away stuff.  I think I'll just do a list of 100 random thoughts.  With numbers, and it may take me a few days, but here we go.
    1. There are amazing people in the world who we can "meet" without ever seeing each other.  Interwebs - amazing!
    2. It's sometimes easier to reveal yourself to complete strangers than your own family.  My reader(s) are an especially kind and caring bunch.
    3. When you look for bad stuff in your life you find it.  And it drags you down.
    4. When you look for God's miracles in your life - you see them!  And it gives you hope for another hour or day or minute.
    5. When you don't share your thoughts with a caring someone, you continue to believe the lies that bang about inside your head.
    6. We treat each other much better than we treat ourselves.  We offer grace, compassion, understanding, forgiveness to neighbors, friends, loved ones.  We often beat ourselves up over our mistakes, shortcomings, choices.  Love yourself as you love your neighbor - that goes both ways!
    7. While we are so busy getting through the day, years are blowing by, and with them, children grow up, parents grow older, and we don't recognize it until something stops us in our tracks.  We need to be present in the moment.
    8. God is not done with me yet.  I'm not as bad as my last mistake nor am I as good as my last accomplishment.  There's always room for improvement.
    9. Trying to fill your heart with stuff, people, things, food, anything other than the God of my understanding will always end in disappointment, and that empty feeling that doesn't go away.
    10. When you stop for just a moment, there is beauty - just look!
    Bleeding Heart 2014 - my very own garden

    More to come.....and thank you for reading just this post - or all 100!

    Monday, April 7, 2014

    Some Things Change...Some Things Stay the Same

    I think spring is finally coming.  Not here, but coming.  It's a weird sort of winter we have had, and it makes spring all the more welcome to me!  Things are changing - looking at graduation for LT.  He went to a dance, and held hands with a girl.  I mean seriously - on our couch - in our house - I may have had a small panic attack.  I understand this is normal behavior for 18 y-o boys, but my baby?!!  My boy?!?  No, this is not normal!  LOL - God is working on stretching me.  I got it - But seriously??? I don't think you understand how my mind was blown.  Anyway, that is changing. He has to commit to a college any day, and there's that to look forward to as well.
    To the things that stay the same...Jack and his drinking, blame gaming, and childishness.  I am trying to extend grace.  And sometimes I'm better at that than others.  It's just really hard some days, and I let my exasperation show.  Believe me, I'm paying for it.  But, I also have grace shown to me - a reminder of what is in my control and what is not...a reminder of what I can control and what I can't.  So I move on.  Changing slowly, but changing with the grace that comes from a God who is bigger than this life and any trial that comes.
    God is good, and I was reminded of that too!  Had a great time at a retreat where God's love overflowed, and it was amazing to see that in the faces and the lives of the women there.

    Take one day at a time, and let God do what is His to do.  I have plenty to take care of in my own head. 

    Tuesday, March 4, 2014

    All Quiet on the Western Front

    Laughing in the face of crazy, I am happy to report all is quiet today.  Of course, that could change at any moment.  Kids are preparing for a big play this weekend, Abby appears to be settling into a routine as an adult - still makes me crazy worrying about how she eats/takes care of herself...but that is their specialty, right?
    Jack and I are doing fairly well.  I have had a couple of opportunities to practice what I read about in my al-anon books, and those went well.  I was really worried about even sharing this fact, as I could be bringing doom, despair and agony on me (to quote the HeeHaw song).  It is so pleasant, that I did want to share that there are days when life is good.  Things aren't in turmoil, and just being is great.  I think it's one of the reasons I always notice the sky - if you just notice, there are good things every day. 
    Loving yoga and feeling so much better each week after it is over.  There may be something to this taking care of yourself business.
    Hope you take care of you today.
    Picture found at: http://www.flowerpicturegallery.com/d/5656-1/rich+pink+lotus.jpg

    Tuesday, February 18, 2014

    Still Learning Something New

    I learned something today.  Well, maybe even two things.  I learned that just when I get sucked in to believing a senior in high school is making strides to do better, he will oversleep and crush my dreams of a smooth week (this being the first day of school for the week - Happy Birthday, Mr. President(s)).  Second, and completely unrelated, I learned that I have many gifts to give the world, but giving blood is not one of them.  I have always hated to have my blood drawn because I have ridiculously small and hidden veins.  However, a dear teach to my LT spoke once about the difference giving blood can make, and after he died of pancreatic cancer, I put my fears aside and went to give blood.  I've successfully done so 14 times since then.  However, the past 3 times, the whole scene has resulted in a horrible bruise, my vein closes, and no blood donation.  I leave feeling bad, the worker taking it feels bad, and so pooh.  I will find some other way to use my gifts for others.   I think this means I should knit some more adorable baby hats for the children's hospitals.  That is a lot less painful use of needles!

    On other fronts, I've been stressing about LT, and his lack of academic performance.  He continues to underwhelm me, and now I've begun worrying about him paying for college.  According to the "estimator" we are supposed to contribute 1/3 of our annual income to his college costs next year.  I don't know who wrote that algorithm, but I'm betting he didn't do well in math.  That's more than twice our budget for our house payment.  Seriously?  The world is so screwed up.

    Ah well, ever onward.  This too shall pass. And all that Jazz.

    Wednesday, February 12, 2014

    ....closing that chapter

    LT and I made the trip over to his biological chromosome donator's funeral last night.  Maggie didn't want to go, and I saw no reason she should, so we were by ourselves.  Not going to lie - a little bit nervous.  In the end, after much prayer and covering by others in prayer - there was grace in the whole situation.  We were welcomed with love and hugs by those who loved us before, and even some who weren't so loving.  LT was able to say goodbye to the person who left so long ago.  And I think some healing was done by all.
    If it weren't for my experiences in Al-Anon and with all the caring people in my home group, I know I couldn't have driven to that town, let alone entered the place with LT.  So thankful for forgiveness, healing, and grace.  That is what we all hope to offer and be offered in this life.
    So today, I look with grace upon Jack.  Praying some day that he will feel it and be able to return it.
    So proud of LT and what a kind, thoughtful young man he is.  Truly blessed.

    Thankfully, it feels okay.  It feels like we can close that chapter of our life.  Our hurts, our fears, our tears, our pain.  All of it is behind us now.  We no longer have to live in fear that he will show up and want something from any of us.  I'm thankful for God's protection all this time, and what we now have for today and every day after this.


    Monday, February 10, 2014

    Finally. Not What I Expected!

    So the turmoil between Jack and LT continues.  It is like being in a small hole with a live grenade.  I'm over it, and don't understand why they can't just get along.  But that's not to be.  So I keep praying.  And I know God is still in control, but really - it's been a rough week.  Along with that warring in our home, LT is not doing too hot in school, although he only needs 2 classes to graduate, I think it would be prudent to do well, or as well as he can! in all of them before college.  You know, as a dress rehearsal kind of thing - eegads he makes me nuts.
    The real weird/rough thing is that I received word 3rd party, that my ex-husband has passed away.  This is the most bizzare of things (well in the last 4-5 years, anyway).  I don't know how to feel about it.  Mostly I feel relieved, and at first I felt guilty because of it.  But now, I have decided that it's just a feeling.  I'm relieved that we no longer have to fear that some how, some way, he will find out where we live and show up at our doorstep.  That is how Maggie feels too, and she's the one I'm most relieved for.  LT is just confused about how he feels too.  He remembers him a bit better, as he was 6 the last time he saw the biological donator.  I truly would never change anything that brought me those two kiddos, so I know that somewhere in my past I did have feelings for him, the person I married.  But thankfully, I could see when he was harming us and got out of there before too much more damage could be done.  And for that person, I'm glad we don't have to be in fear any longer.
    Jack continues with his passive-aggressive, unreasonableness. It is hard some days to look past the alcoholic in the room and see the man who is kind and caring and loving.  In the last few days, I could have really used the man I married.  Hmmmm I see a pattern here.  My ex was an alcoholic and drug abuser, but I didn't know it until AFTER, much after, I figured out all the other stuff.  I'm so glad I've found Al-Anon.  For all of our sakes.
    Let Go and Let God.
    One Day at A Time
    Serenity Prayer
    Thank you God for your faithfulness.
    Now on to the next thing...please keep LT in your thoughts - that he may finally "get" the whole lying vs. truth, and honesty is the best etc.  Also, that somehow, with all of this drama, he can really excel as he is capable of so he can feel his future come true.
    I'm so exhausted - this life is heavy right now.
    Love to all.