Back after a Brief Techology Free Weekend

I just spent the weekend free of Technology, and it was so lovely.  It was a beautiful day Friday, and had the day off work so I was pampered!  I no longer have the gray hair that belies my young age...haha.  So now I continue with my 100 listing, and I'll try to do 20 just to be self-disciplined and all...

     21.  While living with an Alcoholic is not something I would wish on anyone, there are still more days of blessings than of curses.  I'm thankful for that.
     22.  There is very often an irony in people's lives that they don't see - case in point - Jack so wants - still at mid-50s - his father's approval.  His father is never going to show it in the way Jack needs to see it.  Every day LT wants Jack's approval.  Jack is never going to show it in the way LT needs to see it.  I hope LT hears me and knows that we love him no matter what - his worth is not based on his performance.
     23.  I still love to garden and am so thankful that we have the space in our yard for flowers and beauty.
     24.  Watching your children grow up is hard.  Much more difficult than being overwhelmed when they were small.  If only you could know that when they are small. 
     25.  I still wonder how two (or more) children can start out with the same 2 parents and come out so completely different, act with completely differing sets of morals and actions.  They experienced the same parenting, yet are wired nothing alike.
     26.  Just when you think winter will never end, spring arrives.  What a relief.
     27.  The unconditional love of a dog is an amazing gift.
     28.  God will work things out in a better way than you can possibly imagine, if you can be patient and trust that He knows what He's doing.  And with the exception of your own actions/reactions, you are not in control.  At All.  Ever.
     29.  There was a time when I thought I could protect my children from any harm.  I was wrong.
     30.  I was also wrong about my ability to change someone else.
     31.  It's awesome to see God working in the everyday.
     32.  Once upon a time, we lived with no television.  It was wonderful.
     33.  It was during that time that my love of reading grew into a passion.
     34.  What you put into your mind definitely affects what you feel in your heart.
     35.  You have to laugh or you will cry.  Laughter is always better.
     36.  "Make hay while the sun's shining" is kind of an ironic saying to me since the only time hay baling is ever done seems to be the hottest, most humid day(s) of the year.
     37.  Why are there Braille letters on a drive-up ATM?
     38.  Naps are wasted on children.  The parents are the ones who need the naps - still.
     39.  Seeing your children performing music is a gift.  Don't take it for granted.
     40.  Knowing how to have a conversation with people face to face seems to be a dying art.  Let's practice it more often.

Okay, that's all I've got for today.  In case you're wondering, that leaves 60 more bits of knowledge left for me to impart.  It's like I'm some kind of oracle.  Ha ha ha ha.
Have a great Monday.

PYHO - Healing

I found a great blog today, Things I Can't Say.  She is hosting a linky carnival called "Pour Your Heart Out" Wednesday.  Even though this is Thursday, I'm going to join in.  This is my first ever link-up, so I sure hope I get all the techie stuff right. 

My life seems to be a series of huge mistakes, then learning to see the best of it.  Seeing God working in the midst of it all.  In this case, I really hope I will get to see the best of it.  You see, as you know from reading, I'm married to an alcoholic.  I hope that I will see the best of the expereinces that sometimes hurt to the point of breaking me.  I hope my children aren't going to be screwed up forever by this experience. 
At times, I know I'm much stronger, more confident, more trusting in God than ever by being married to an alcoholic.  There are other days when I see my son's heart break a little more because he can't seem to ever do anything to please his "dad."  This is the only dad he's ever known, and when he was younger, this seemed like a great thing.  But as he's grown older, Jack seems to not know how to parent him.  My own non-preofessional psycho-babble self thinks this is because Jack lost his mom at 16, and was basically left to parent himself from then on, so his memory of what a parent does for a 16 year old boy doesn't exist.  This doesn't really help much when I see LT's heart break. 
It doesn't help when Maggie would like to have a friend over to spend the night, but dad will never agree because it interrupts his drinking schedule, and Maggie doesn't want anyone to know what she lives with every day.  It doesn't help when Maggie tries to give her daddy a hug good night and he says to get away from him. 
I hope some day we can each look at this time and see how God was working and see how we grew and how much each of us learned from these experiences.  Most of all, I hope we can look back together as a family from a sober perspective and see how all of us were healed.

Live & Let Live

The reading I did today in Courage to Change (Al-Anon daily book), and it talked about how when you first go to Al-Anon, the program talks about serenity, when all you really want to hear is how to stop the Alcoholic from drinking. I was thinking back to my first meeting(s), and I think I didn't even think about stopping him, I just cried and cried and wanted someone to stop the insanity.  Ironically, the insanity hasn't really stopped, but I've stopped being so influenced by it.  There are sayings in al-alnon, and sometimes with that as well, I'd like to choose how Jack behaves, drinks, etc., but I realize I do have to live and let him live.  I wouldn't want him telling me how to do things, and when he does, I want to scream.  But I've learned that he's entitled to make his own choices, even if they don't match mine - AND a big thing I've learned is I can LIVE.  I can make choices. 

I know it may sound strange if you've never really lived with an alcoholic, but I didn't know I COULD make choices.  It is really serenity building when I step back and decide if I want to act at all, and if so, what course that will take.  I realize I don't have control over his drinking, or a lot of other things in my life, but I do have control over my choices.  What Freedom!  In the back of that same Courage to Change book, I've written "Do you WANT to say No?"  I did that so I'd remember to focus on 1. What do I want, and 2. The answer to some one's request from me does not always have to be a yes.  So empowering.  Here's to a great day for today.  Enjoy the sun if you have it, and the warmth of your home if the sun is hiding.

Thinking About Love

I read a post on Rage Against the Minivan that talked about love, and whether love takes work.  Some, who I would guess are lacking in the age/experience department (that is my opinion there - it is my blog...), say that if it's not flowery, easy, rainbows and unicorns, it isn't love, and it's better to move on.  I suppose if you aren't married, there is lots to find useful in that statement.  However, after some pretty horrific and some fantastic experiences, I say I'm more of the love-is-a-choice boat.  There are days I don't feel very loving toward anyone, Jack sometimes especially.  However, I want to be loving, I love him.  Sometimes it's more of an act it till you feel it kind of day, and sometimes it's fantastic, flowery, rainbows and unicorns.  Even when he's acting alcoholic, I respect him enough to see that he's a person, a child of God who has the free will to make his choices.  Even if they aren't the choices I'd make for him or myself.  Boy don't I sound all healthy and Al-anon ish?  For today.  And really, that's all we have is today.

Happy New Year

What a loaded statement. Happy.New.Year. When your loved one is an alcoholic, especially your husband, it is pretty hard to find happy on any one day. Especially when it is following a holiday season that is always difficult. I don't know it any other way with Jack. As usual, he is pushing me away, saying he wants to be left alone, because I "haven't done anything" for the last two weeks. When asked what that looks like - he NEVER has an answer. Finally, for the first time, I'm not picking it up. This is about what is going on in his head. This is not about me or what I've done or not done. He can have it. I have refused to beg and plead and want everything to be smooth. I am more peaceful than I've been for a very long time, so he is pushing me to get my typical reaction. I wrote on my hand today "ACT." That is my new Mantra. I want to Act upon what I notice, see, hear, and witness. I don't want to react. Reacting has not had the best outcomes, so I am choosing to ACT. How liberating. I am also asking myself, what do I want to do? Sometimes I'm not sure I even know, so I'd better be asking myself so I can figure it out! This is a grand journey, recognizing that the family of the alcoholic has a disease too. It has lots of guilt. It stinks. But now that I know it, can see the progression of Jack's disease, I'm choosing differently. For today, I'm okay.
Happy New Year to you, may you find a peace that passes all understanding from your higher power.