What a loaded statement. Happy.New.Year. When your loved one is an alcoholic, especially your husband, it is pretty hard to find happy on any one day. Especially when it is following a holiday season that is always difficult. I don't know it any other way with Jack. As usual, he is pushing me away, saying he wants to be left alone, because I "haven't done anything" for the last two weeks. When asked what that looks like - he NEVER has an answer. Finally, for the first time, I'm not picking it up. This is about what is going on in his head. This is not about me or what I've done or not done. He can have it. I have refused to beg and plead and want everything to be smooth. I am more peaceful than I've been for a very long time, so he is pushing me to get my typical reaction. I wrote on my hand today "ACT." That is my new Mantra. I want to Act upon what I notice, see, hear, and witness. I don't want to react. Reacting has not had the best outcomes, so I am choosing to ACT. How liberating. I am also asking myself, what do I want to do? Sometimes I'm not sure I even know, so I'd better be asking myself so I can figure it out! This is a grand journey, recognizing that the family of the alcoholic has a disease too. It has lots of guilt. It stinks. But now that I know it, can see the progression of Jack's disease, I'm choosing differently. For today, I'm okay.
Happy New Year to you, may you find a peace that passes all understanding from your higher power.