Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Progress - Any progress is good progress

The full moon may be 8 days away, but I swear there are cycles that both the moon and Jack have in common.  Thankfully, I have recognized it before, and last night it hit me that I'm making progress in other ways too.  I could see that he'd been having a bad work day - really, and with just cause.  But for one of the first few times, I didn't immediately jump to the conclusion that I had done something to make him be in a bad mood.  He just was.  And frankly, when he came home, I was having my own hissy fit over the failed recipe I'd made for dinner (the second time this happened w/the same dish).  But even that - I realized my part of being crabby and apologized for what was mine - and nothing more.  I feel like that is a huge step for me - a FORWARD step.

I'm so thankful for Al-anon, for the blogs that are out there, the books that are available, and my higher power.  God is good, and I'm so glad He gives me another chance. 

Still no news from the court date - papers weren't delivered yesterday.  I just want it over.  I'd prefer it be over in a way that doesn't require ANY court intervention, but we don't always get to choose that.

LT is having problems getting his homework turned in AGAIN.  I really believed he had gotten the message - but alas, no.  The list of grades is either 100% or 0.  Resulting in a D.  I'm so pissed off, but it is all out of my control.  I can make life electronic free, but I can't make him turn his shit in.  GRRRRRR.  All other grades are A's, but you know the Ds are in the important classes, not health and choir.  I'm trying to keep perspective, but I DON'T understand it.  I'm certainly not a boy and I REALLY don't understand him.  Oh well, God has this in control too.

Just another day....

Friday, January 27, 2012

Just for Today

So yesterday was not one of my favorites, then turned into something better.  As I was walking to work today, I thought - thank you God for new mercies every morning, and that I can start today without the burden of yesterday. 
So let's just get this out of my head - My ex-husband molested my (our -but I don't give him that privilege any longer) daughter at 4 years old.  Thank GOD she was able to tell me in a way that both showed me truth, and that I could act upon at that moment.  He was arrested, given 20 weekends (note 40 DAYS) in jail so he could keep his union job - wasn't that judge so kind. He was abusive to me and to our son.  Since our separation/divorce he has been getting child support taken out of his check every week.  Usually pretty regularly unless there was a shutdown or something.  He does not see them, do to court order, and he has not asked to change it.  again, thank GOD.  Yesterday, I was notified that he has asked to lower child support.  Since there has been NO contact with him for over 8 years, this was a shock to me.  When I called the court to get details, they said he wrote on his own (pro-se) that he has brain cancer and isn't able to work. 
Last summer, his mother wrote to me telling me that he had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good.  He even sent the kids each a letter, which I have read - they have not.  In it, he said he always thought of the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, but didn't send them presents because he didn't know if "their mother" would let them see the presents.  Honestly, I didn't keep that letter from them because he is angry with me - i kept it from them so they don't have to see what an *ss(#)@ their father is and be hurt again by him thinking of them "on their birthdays and Christmas."  No mention at all of being sorry for what had happened, for breaking up our family, for hurting them. 
At first, I wasn't even sure I believed he had cancer, because it is something they would do to try to gain sympathy.  Now he has testified to court that he has it, but even still...part of me says good - what you deserve, and the other part of me, the one who is supposed to love others like Christ loves feels bad.  I wish I didn't feel the "good" part, but I do.   Really though - It just makes me sad.  And scared.  The thought of seeing him again scares me. 
I wasn't able to work yesterday, and went home to discuss with my husband - thankfully - for that day, Jack was what I needed him to be.  And he had a great idea - I can agree to lowering support, and avoid a hearing.  I NEVER even considered that.  You'd think I'd remember something from law school, working for a court and working for an attorney.  Apparently when my emotions are involved, my brain doesn't engage! 
Just for today, I'm thankful for the kindness Jack showed me.  I'm thankful that even when days are hard, there is the part of him who loves me and the kids, and protects us.  Sometimes even from myself. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can, AND the wisdom to know the difference!
One day at a time.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Seven Things

Seven things, in no particular order, about nothing in particular:
1.  I have a friend who turned 60 today.  She neither looks nor acts 60, and 60 doesn't seem as old as it did when I was 20.
2.  The sun should make a daily appearance during winter.  Where do I make that request?
3.  I want to spend all day at home with our best dog, and match her routine - sleep for sleep. 
4.  God sometimes shows us amazing things through our friends, who are sometimes closer than family.
5.  Republican candidates for president are making our president look better and better. 
6. The fact that I typed that last sentence AND believe it, saddens me.
7.  I would like some frozen custard.  It makes everything better.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

When I Look at Today

When I look at today, I see that fresh snow makes the world a prettier world.  Cold days are great for knitting and snuggling under a favorite old quilt.  God is way more forgiving and loving than I deserve.  Children are a blessing but sometimes can drive parents crazy.  I wouldn't trade them for anything.  When I look at today, I see the days are good, but the nights sometimes not.  When I look around - I see a dog who is a member of our family, and who makes me love dogs - even indoors.  I never thought that would happen.  It's not what you look at, it's what you see.

Happy Sunday.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This has no title....hmmm

It feels so strange to come home to a house with only the kids and dog.  To know that whatever has happened during the day, it will be peaceful.  I do miss Jack, though.  I miss the man I married.  But I'm never sure he's the one who will be home when I get here.  Random thoughts today.  One day at a time, and today I will delight in my peace.
Al-anon is today, but I'm not going to work, so I'll miss it.  I love the people there, those I know only by their first names, those who understand what life is like, those who have helped me find joy and peace, those who have helped me grow.  I'm so thankful for them.  I hope if you are reading this and you have an alcoholic in your past or present, find a meeting today.  It truly will change your life - FOR THE BETTER!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Guilt go away, you are just my disease talking!

So in a couple of days, Jack is leaving for a business trip.  I'm feeling guilty because, even though things, including my new habits, are going well, I am really ready for him to be gone for a few days.  As it says in my "Getting Them Sober" books, that is just my disease (family part of the disease of alcoholism) talking.  So, I reject that guilt.  I'm going to be happy that today is Friday, and ready to face the evening, one day at a time.  It's almost like some days I'm waiting to exhale, and that is such a relief to do so.
On a random note, I got new windshield wipers today, and it is awesome.  Clean crisp windshield...love it!  I think I'm going to buy some half-price yarn this weekend too.  That will make a fun new project starting possible.  I think I'll actually knit something for myself - after I get LT's hat done...he's patiently waiting!

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Finally, it is snowing in the winter, in the midwest. I'm so glad! I have to say that, otherwise, I'll remember how cold it is, and how much I hate scraping off the car. Oh well, it is beautiful, and that is a fact. It's been a good few days. Good for me in spite of Jack's drinking. For a while he was drinking bourbon instead of beer. Never did that before, and it is very bad -he's not a nice drunk on burbon. But, I stuck with my al-anon thoughts, slogans, sanity, and it worked. I didn't have to attend the fights he was inviting me to! (I just ended the sentence with a preposition. Just so you know that I know I did it....but i'm not changing it. Sorry Ms. Z.)
LT was sick for the past week. I'm glad he's finally feeling better and can go to school. It is not the best time to be missing school in the first week after break! Maggie is doing so well. She gets to go on a trip this weekend with her friends. I'm so thankful that she has good friends where she can go and be away from craziness.
We really had a great dinner last night at a restaurant. All four of us, since Abby is away at school. It's nice to know that we can enjoy times together. Be the family that we get glimpses of. *another preposition - i'm getting lazy. I've started a new hobby and I love it. It's part of my taking care of me project. It's great to learn something new - it's been twenty years, I think since I learned a new skill. And I actually make things. LOVE IT!
For all the times things seemed hopeless, I am so thankful to God for the hope I have every day. In my God.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year

What a loaded statement. Happy.New.Year. When your loved one is an alcoholic, especially your husband, it is pretty hard to find happy on any one day. Especially when it is following a holiday season that is always difficult. I don't know it any other way with Jack. As usual, he is pushing me away, saying he wants to be left alone, because I "haven't done anything" for the last two weeks. When asked what that looks like - he NEVER has an answer. Finally, for the first time, I'm not picking it up. This is about what is going on in his head. This is not about me or what I've done or not done. He can have it. I have refused to beg and plead and want everything to be smooth. I am more peaceful than I've been for a very long time, so he is pushing me to get my typical reaction. I wrote on my hand today "ACT." That is my new Mantra. I want to Act upon what I notice, see, hear, and witness. I don't want to react. Reacting has not had the best outcomes, so I am choosing to ACT. How liberating. I am also asking myself, what do I want to do? Sometimes I'm not sure I even know, so I'd better be asking myself so I can figure it out! This is a grand journey, recognizing that the family of the alcoholic has a disease too. It has lots of guilt. It stinks. But now that I know it, can see the progression of Jack's disease, I'm choosing differently. For today, I'm okay.
Happy New Year to you, may you find a peace that passes all understanding from your higher power.