Friday, September 21, 2012

This hit me hard

I just read this post - A Record of Recovery | al-anon journal.  I am just so moved, I want to share it on here.  The author has written a poem, before she found al-anon, that is in words, what my heart has felt.  It has been an especially big pity-party for my husband this week, and I am trying so hard to work my program and leave his disease with him.  It's hard, but I am doing so much better.  My joy in life is not dependent on his mood.  Thank you HP, for staying by me every day, every minute, every second.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

"Come to me all who are Weary"

I loved the freedom of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, so I'm doing it again.

As most, if not all moms are, I'm tired.  The last few weeks have brought some issues up and drained my energy mentally, physically and emotionally.  I find myself asking, "when will this end?"!  But then, in the usual way, God sends me a little nugget of truth.  A parcel of wisdom.  So let's take the good view of the world and focus on that. 

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.""  Matthew 11:28 NLT.

I love this verse, because all of us moms carry heavy burdens.  Some struggle with a child with special needs, some struggle with a child with substance abuse, some of us struggle with teenager who won't do their homework or clean their rooms, some struggle with the baby or toddler who won't take a nap.  Some of us struggle with children who has cancer and may not live to see the next birthday.  We are carrying heavy burdens.  But thank goodness, Jesus reminds us that He will help us to rest.  I'm so thankful that I have this reminder.  When I give up carrying my burdens and turn them over to Him, I'm relieved of that load on my own.  It's so freeing. 

Some days it is just too much.  Trying to keep myself together, keep the family together.  Not knowing what we will come home to, how much Jack will drink, how he will act.  All the unknowns and the busy-ness of this world.  I'm so thankful to be able again and again to turn my burdens and my worries over to Jesus.  He will help me.  All I have to do is ASK.  Now there is the hard part!

Here is to a week of turning to Jesus and seeking rest.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

PYHO - Healing

I found a great blog today, Things I Can't Say.  She is hosting a linky carnival called "Pour Your Heart Out" Wednesday.  Even though this is Thursday, I'm going to join in.  This is my first ever link-up, so I sure hope I get all the techie stuff right. 

My life seems to be a series of huge mistakes, then learning to see the best of it.  Seeing God working in the midst of it all.  In this case, I really hope I will get to see the best of it.  You see, as you know from reading, I'm married to an alcoholic.  I hope that I will see the best of the expereinces that sometimes hurt to the point of breaking me.  I hope my children aren't going to be screwed up forever by this experience. 
At times, I know I'm much stronger, more confident, more trusting in God than ever by being married to an alcoholic.  There are other days when I see my son's heart break a little more because he can't seem to ever do anything to please his "dad."  This is the only dad he's ever known, and when he was younger, this seemed like a great thing.  But as he's grown older, Jack seems to not know how to parent him.  My own non-preofessional psycho-babble self thinks this is because Jack lost his mom at 16, and was basically left to parent himself from then on, so his memory of what a parent does for a 16 year old boy doesn't exist.  This doesn't really help much when I see LT's heart break. 
It doesn't help when Maggie would like to have a friend over to spend the night, but dad will never agree because it interrupts his drinking schedule, and Maggie doesn't want anyone to know what she lives with every day.  It doesn't help when Maggie tries to give her daddy a hug good night and he says to get away from him. 
I hope some day we can each look at this time and see how God was working and see how we grew and how much each of us learned from these experiences.  Most of all, I hope we can look back together as a family from a sober perspective and see how all of us were healed.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

One Day at a Time

It's past my bedtime and I'm waiting for LT to get done at youth group. He called and asked if he could stay late. I knew there was no school or work tomorrow so I said yes. Jack didn't hear anything but my side of the conversation. However he immediately started his pissy drunk routine (after 5 beers at 8:00 pm. I decided if he's "staying out of it" it being parent to LT, then I'm making decisions based on that until we discuss otherwise. LT has worked hard and deserves to do some fun stuff too  if he wants to be an asshole, that's his choice. I'm being a parent.
I guess I'm mad that he treats me like I'm stupid, talking just below hearing, etc  but really, I'm not playing anymore
Feel free to act like the passive aggressive alcoholic you are. I can't expect a brain-damaged human to responded in a normal way.
Just another reminder - take it one day at a time.  And do what's right for the kids.
I love our children no strings attached.