Tuesday, January 27, 2009

One Day at A Time, Let Go & Let God

We have been in this cycle of insanity for almost two weeks now. It is starting to get worse. The alcoholic is now treating the kids badly too. Who is it that thinks it is okay to just opt out of the life you sought. You no longer have any responsibilities or worries - you can just stop??? I guess that is an alcoholic's brain that thinks like that. Well, the focus is to be on the day at hand. If you think too much about the insanity you are in, you will in fact go insane. It is supposed to snow today - I say God, open your doors of snow and let it fall. Bring some beauty to this ugly world. Cover all the ugliness and dirtiness with beautiful whiteness. It can be so crisp and delightful. Remember to laugh with the children's laughs - to love them no matter what is going on around. Even if our home is no longer a haven - our family is a haven where we are still loved. Thank you God for that. God, I have asked for whatever it takes to get the alcoholic's attention, to bring him healing. I pray now that you will give me the strength through your holy spirit to wait upon you with complete trust and patience. The alcoholic is going to do what ever he is going to do. I am helpless, but not hopeless.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What does Normal look like when Normal is Crazy?

We spend a lot of time focusing on the fact that life with an Alcoholic is crazy, but this craziness has become normal to us. When we start focusing on our own behavior, crazy as well, and trying to normalize our responses to a crazy situation - it has been hard for me to know what Normal looks like. Do you feel like that too? It has been a very rough last four days. While my alcoholic is not drinking daily at the moment, the two days of the weekend when he did, just proves even more that not drinking every day is not curing of alcohoolism. He immediately went right back to old behaviors after the 5th beer (plus sized of course, then he doesn't have to buy the case, thereby rationalizing only 12...and it goes on and on and on...). This time though, I said - good night. It was healthy for me. I think my being not emotional and trying to get him to stop, come to bed, etc. has screwed up his routine, and he has been moping for days. I say whatever. At least for today, right now. I can't control his behavior in any way, I can only control my reactions to him. Maybe it's time for a break from the cycle for me. I hope I can remember my higher power is in control, and I am not. That is a key for me.
Have a good day, and if you come read my random thoughts, please let me know. Prayers for you and my family as well....

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Alcoholism sucks

So I've been thinking about blogging for so long. It's been a short but long time coming. Living with an alcoholic is so draining. I want somewhere to talk about it. I hope that I can stay focused on the positive things. I love my Al-Anon group. They are an amazing group of people who always have something good to say - a way to make it seem like there is light in the world. But sometimes, the chaos and constant roller coaster ride are too much. It is so hard to come home from church to find out I've been a horrible wife the past 3 months, and my husband wants nothing to do with me, but yesterday when I got up I was sweetie, and loved and cherished. What happened to that person? Is it wrong to want a time of calm? I never knew anyone like this before. Why did I have to be sucked in and never get a view of what I was getting until after marriage, after my children love this man as the father they never had, after I love the other children as if I'd given birth to them. It is so not fair. I thank God that He is in control and I am not. He loves us more than I love any of my family, a concept I sometimes can't really get, but I have to belive. I have to believe that He can do immeasurably more than I can ask and believe. I have to. Otherwise, I couldn't get up in the morning.
I hope you'll comment if you're reading this. Bless you.