Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The Things Alcoholics Say

Last night I was struck by a recurring theme at our house.  When drinking, and more often lately, even when he's not, Jack is nicer to the dog than to any of the people in our home.  He lavished praise on the dog last night, saying he's sorry for talking mean to her, since he realizes she's sensitive.  Well that's thoughtful, but what about the way you speak to your CHILDREN!???!!!!  Do you think they aren't sensitive to your way of speaking/yelling at them? Geez, how un-self-aware can a person be?  The answer to that questions is pretty damn un-self-aware (I'm making up words now - look out Webster).  Just for one day, I'd like to have a recording/camera crew follow us all around, and at the end of the day, without beer, Jack must watch the tape.  I pray I'm living in such a way that I wouldn't be ashamed of what I see.  But that's all I get to control.
School's coming to an end soon.  If you are the praying kind, please pray for LT to get a job.  He needs to be out of the house during the day or evening and receive encouragement and help to build his confidence.  How can it be that in a few days I'll have two high-school children??  Where does the time go?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Progressive Disease, Progressive Healing

I started this post several days ago, with only the title.  It seems that is the theme right now.  Jack's alcoholism is progressing.  He is continuing to spend most evenings after supper lying down - sometimes sleeping.  This is virtually unheard of in the 7 1/2 years I've known him.  Usually he can't lie still for more than 10 minutes at time without medication, especially to sleep.  At the same time, he's been drinking more steadily, and then the last 2 days, nothing.  It's like he's in this battle with himself.  Very crazy.  And as usual, he's silent and distant when he's having this battle.
More importantly to me, is the fact that I've been seeing this happen, and not taken any of the guilt I would typically pick up about why he is acting so distant.  I KNOW it isn't about me.  I hate that this is how it is.  I would like to be able to talk to him about what is going on.  I'd like him to go to a doctor and tell them what is going on - the truth - and seek help.  But, that isn't my decision. I also feel such a sense of freedom at the same time feeling so sad that he feels he must live this internal battle alone.  I love the person who is underneath this disease, the real doesn't have to be this way.  At least I know that I don't have to be in that state of depression along with him anymore.  That is tremendously freeing.  I'm pretty sure if you've never lived with an alcoholic you probably think I'm and uncaring *itch.  Unfortunately, when you live with an alcoholic, most rules that apply to "normal" relationships don't apply here.  I'm glad you don't know what it's like.  You are blessed.
I will keep going one step at a time, one day at a time, and letting God have control.  His plan is better than mine, and I have faith in Him, and his timing.