Insanity continues to rein at our house. For a lovely mother's day gift, Jack bought himself a bed frame and mattress, and proceeded to unceremoniously move the entire thing, boxsprings and all, up to the spare bed-room, where he then has been sleeping with absolutely no word to me at all. He simply left the bedroom. It's a little like Elvis - he has left the building. I believe the extent of our conversations over the last 3 days has totalled about 30 words. Ironically, most of those were uttered last night.
Scene 1 - He finally gets home from his "project" after arriving home from work, and leaving without telling any of us where he was going, or when he'd be back. After running (i'm so excited I did this for myself), I was really psyched, he got home, I told him what I did. He says great, you should be proud of yourself. I give him a hug. He asks, "Why do you do that?" I say, because I love you and wanted to show you that. He says - even if I don't want you to? I said whatever, and went to change.
Scene 2 - later last night, Jack watching Cops, Maggie & I playing a game on the floor. We are making cookies, so the oven is warming up. There is a horrible smell eminating from said oven. To my knowledge, the last thing I made in the oven was meatloaf approximately 6 days ago.
Jack says - "Could you clean that oven tomorrow. You spilled something in it." I replied, you made cheesesticks in there on Saturday. Perhaps that is what the smell is. Jack responds - "I don't remember. Just clean it." I said certainly, I'd be happy to. He said, "thank you."
If this weren't so freaking insane, I'd cry. However, this is only solidifying my observation that he is nuts. His 24 beers consumption on Sunday obviously blocked his memory. Or he's an idiot.
Honestly, I want to feel compassion for him. I can see he is faltering and it is getting worse daily. But frankly, it feels good not to be caught up in the insanity. I'm not emotional about it. I will clean the oven, in fact, I did when it was still warm so the cheese would scrape right up....hmmm, doesn't sound like meatloaf???
Oh well. It is just another stop along the progression of alcoholism. He is deteriorating. I really hope he hits bottom soon.
Meanwhile, I'm going to keep working the al-anon program. What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic. Detachment. Reality. Sanity. I claim those. God, hear my prayer for him as well.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Well, the drama continues. Jack continues to sleep in our room, after he told me he was buying a bed for the spare room on Saturday, and then tonight came home and said he had decided I was moving out. I said, no, I wasn't. He proceeded to say he would evict me. I'm pretty sure he can't kick me out of my own residence, even if his name is on the mortgage. THis is just so insane. If it weren't for the kids, I think I'd be gone right now. BUT the kids are here, they are part of the equation. I will wait upon the Lord - my higher power. I trust Him. Jack goes back and forth depending on how much beer he has had. Tonight, not so much - super mean and bullying. Although for the first time in my recent memory, he did apologize for talking to me like that - as usual - it is a minimizing of his behavior, and no recogniztion of the truth that exists or what I say. This is insane. Why is this so hard for me? I remember the man I married. I haven't seen him for so long. Why does this have to be so hard. I know I can't control, cause or cure this, but it seems so senseless. I guess it's back to the power of the disease on him. His brain is literally soaked in alcohol. He never dries out. I know the sun will rise tomorrow. I know God will still be there to guide me if I ask Him, so I will. If you are of the praying persuasion, please pray. I want to protect my children, but not harm them in the process. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Well, there have been some "decisions" made recently. I didn't know about them, nor was I consulted about them, but Jack has been making decisions. He has decided he is done, he's done supporting me and the kids and getting nothing in return. So he took all the money out of the checking account and savings account, etc. and now he wants more out of life than "this." I asked him if he could tell me honestly, before we got married, the number of times he drank in front of me, or talked about drinking. He yelled to me, "Oh, so NOW I have a drinking problem, It's all my fault." That response told me volumes. He is so far in denial, he can't see the forest for the beers. Wow. I think I just have to sit here and wonder how anyone can function so far in denial. I'm not making any decisions right now, other than he can begin sleeping in the other room, and this time, I'm not trying to woo him back.