Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Here you go, God....I am giving to you

These days, it almost seems like Jack is the least of my worries.  LT is giving us all kinds of fits, as he is going through the whole teenage thing, trying to find his way in the world.  Worst of all is his LYING.  It makes me crazy.  Last night I resorted to trying to find a book to help me know what to do.  Ironically, it said that teenage boys sometimes lie when they feel they are controlled and can't do anything, so they lie to get to do something.  While that seems backward to me, since we are very careful to reward good behavior with his choice of activities and restrict with bad behavior, choices etc. I can understand how he can think that.  Sometimes Jack's desire to control things makes me nuts, even when I have my Al-Anon thinking on high-alert.  I gave LT up to God last night, said I know HE loves LT even more than I do, and I can't fix this.  I can only encourage, guide and not let him have access to anything electronic for a bit.  When will these children learn that Mom ALWAYS finds out everything.  At least the sun is out today.  That can go a long way to making things better.  I have to learn to live and let LT live, as he has a lot of responibility for his choices right now.  But I am also letting go and letting God.

Monday, February 20, 2012

It's a good thing I know about Al-Anon

Lately, what with the viral illness that seems to be going through our family, most normal activities seem to have stopped.  Thankfully, I've not stopped reading my al-anon literature.  As I described in a previous post, the ex-husband (who I now know was alcoholic, addicted to at least marijuana and other drugs) has filed this paper to reduce the amount he pays for child support.  While my greatest desire is to simply ignore this situation and let it happen however, I will not put the kids at risk to possibly see him, so I trooped over to the attorney office today to see what's what.  Thankfully, I can make use of the "legal aid" type of services available, so the cost for me to go through this is minimal.  I had the 3rd person express to me that maybe his brain cancer is Karma or God's getting even for his actions.  I thought today that I was cold thinking such things, but the people who've said so to me seem like normal kind people, not anyone out to destroy the world or anything.  Soooo, maybe those are sort of normal thoughts in this most ab-normal situation.
I have been reading in Courage to Change, and it has especially been focusing on me looking at what my part in a situation is, my response, my responsibility (or NOT).  I'm trying to keep that perspective in this situation too. 
Then there is Abby, who has been calling so frequently it is weird behavior for her.  Now I find out she has been cutting herself.  I feel especially helpless in that circumstance too.  I've been as supportive as I can, gave her names, info on how to contact insurance for various providers, told her to call anytime, we love her, and then I have to let her go on her journey.  She really has bi-polar like symptoms, but she is a grown-up and has made choices to ensure that we know that. 
In all this, it's sort of like alcoholism, in that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I certainly can't control it! 
Thank goodness I have that thinking to fall back upon when I wake up in the night, as I have, and start obsessing over what I can do.  Which is basically follow through what is mine to do, and leave the rest to God.

So, for today, and every day, Let GO and Let GOD!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Live & Let Live

The reading I did today in Courage to Change (Al-Anon daily book), and it talked about how when you first go to Al-Anon, the program talks about serenity, when all you really want to hear is how to stop the Alcoholic from drinking. I was thinking back to my first meeting(s), and I think I didn't even think about stopping him, I just cried and cried and wanted someone to stop the insanity.  Ironically, the insanity hasn't really stopped, but I've stopped being so influenced by it.  There are sayings in al-alnon, and sometimes with that as well, I'd like to choose how Jack behaves, drinks, etc., but I realize I do have to live and let him live.  I wouldn't want him telling me how to do things, and when he does, I want to scream.  But I've learned that he's entitled to make his own choices, even if they don't match mine - AND a big thing I've learned is I can LIVE.  I can make choices. 

I know it may sound strange if you've never really lived with an alcoholic, but I didn't know I COULD make choices.  It is really serenity building when I step back and decide if I want to act at all, and if so, what course that will take.  I realize I don't have control over his drinking, or a lot of other things in my life, but I do have control over my choices.  What Freedom!  In the back of that same Courage to Change book, I've written "Do you WANT to say No?"  I did that so I'd remember to focus on 1. What do I want, and 2. The answer to some one's request from me does not always have to be a yes.  So empowering.  Here's to a great day for today.  Enjoy the sun if you have it, and the warmth of your home if the sun is hiding.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Thinking About Love

I read a post on Rage Against the Minivan that talked about love, and whether love takes work.  Some, who I would guess are lacking in the age/experience department (that is my opinion there - it is my blog...), say that if it's not flowery, easy, rainbows and unicorns, it isn't love, and it's better to move on.  I suppose if you aren't married, there is lots to find useful in that statement.  However, after some pretty horrific and some fantastic experiences, I say I'm more of the love-is-a-choice boat.  There are days I don't feel very loving toward anyone, Jack sometimes especially.  However, I want to be loving, I love him.  Sometimes it's more of an act it till you feel it kind of day, and sometimes it's fantastic, flowery, rainbows and unicorns.  Even when he's acting alcoholic, I respect him enough to see that he's a person, a child of God who has the free will to make his choices.  Even if they aren't the choices I'd make for him or myself.  Boy don't I sound all healthy and Al-anon ish?  For today.  And really, that's all we have is today.