Laughing in the face of crazy, I am happy to report all is quiet today. Of course, that could change at any moment. Kids are preparing for a big play this weekend, Abby appears to be settling into a routine as an adult - still makes me crazy worrying about how she eats/takes care of herself...but that is their specialty, right?
Jack and I are doing fairly well. I have had a couple of opportunities to practice what I read about in my al-anon books, and those went well. I was really worried about even sharing this fact, as I could be bringing doom, despair and agony on me (to quote the HeeHaw song). It is so pleasant, that I did want to share that there are days when life is good. Things aren't in turmoil, and just being is great. I think it's one of the reasons I always notice the sky - if you just notice, there are good things every day.
Loving yoga and feeling so much better each week after it is over. There may be something to this taking care of yourself business.
Hope you take care of you today.
Namaste!
Picture found at: http://www.flowerpicturegallery.com/d/5656-1/rich+pink+lotus.jpg
Showing posts with label al-anon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label al-anon. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Friday, August 24, 2012
We are NOT alone
Whenever life seems to hit extra hard, (and by life, let's face it, I mean alcoholic insanity) I never cease to be amazed by how my God, you can call it higher power, mother nature, whatever - it's God for me, works to SHOW me I'm not alone. I guess that's my hope. Somewhere out there is a person like I was, who had no idea that sanity and alcoholic husband could exist at the same time, will read anything on this blog, even the smallest tidbit, and realize, hey - other people know exactly what it's like. I'm not alone. And it really can be okay. Ideal, no. Fantastic, some days. Okay - lots more often than not - thanks to Al-anon, Getting Them Sober, Al-anon literature (Books), I'm better. I'm Okay.
To give you an example, last night, LT asked if he could go to a ballgame next week, on a school night. Jack reasonably said we'd need to see work schedule and grades before deciding. In the 16-y-o way, LT rolled his eyes, because he didn't immediately get the answer he wanted (I'm guessing). Jack went completely nuts and yelled at him, saying he didn't deserve that, and on and on. LT went to bed, because it was actually 15 minutes past his bedtime, and as he left, Jack said - fine, you decide. I'm done. I think to myself - okay - you overreacted. Whatever. Today Jack called me at work to tell me he was pissed and he wanted me to know it. He called to tell me that he is no longer going to be LT's dad, he can now call him Jack, but he doesn't have to leave or anything - HOW big of him.
At first, I could feel that old anxiety, panic, freaking out building up. I didn't say anything for a few moments, then said I'm sorry you feel that way. Can we talk about this at home? He said what's to talk about. He continued on with dealing with LT is going to make him sick, so he's done being his dad. I did begin to cry, and told him -I've needed to say this for months, maybe years - that LT is not Jake. He has not made the mistakes Jake has made, he hasn't had any of the bad things happen (YET) that Jake chose. Instead of hearing that, Jack said - tell me how I treat him like *H(^. I repeated that I said you treat him like "JAKE". He's not Jake. By this time, I'm fully crying, at my desk, door open; I asked if we could talk at home. He said okay, and we hung up.
I'm not going to lie - I cried for a bit, hard. But then I started repeating the truth and what I know as real to myself.
- This is not about LT. This is about me not giving Jack the arguments and drama the alcoholism likes to create, so that he doesn't have to think about what HE is doing to himself and our family.
- LT has been doing great in school and has a job, and hasn't missed one day, and has already worked longer than Jake ever held a job in his life, and Jack can't complain about that as one of Jake's weaknesses.
- LT is a wonderful young man, caring and kind. He DOES NOT deserve to be treated like this. Period.
So I got a book, Al-anon Dilemma of An Alcoholic Marriage. God directed me to just the right page. And I quote: I "would have to understand how desperately the guilt-tormented alcoholic needs such weapons (lashing out unreasonably) to bolster his own ego. When he uses these weapons to attack, it is not because he hates (LT) but because he hates himself and needs to reassure himself that he is not all bad. He finds fault in the (people) nearest to him because it makes it a little easier to tolerate himself." (Page 10). Seriously -this book was written in 1971.
This spoke to me. It hit me right where I needed it. TRUTH. I realized that I need to put this situation back on Jack. I called and told him calmly that I didn't like his position, but I can understand his frustration. However, he's an adult, and I am going to respect his position and not try to manipulate circumstances or try to pretend everything's okay and for everyone to kiss and make up. He sounded shocked when he said okay, but I feel free. I'm going to continue doing what my job is. Being the best mom to LT & Maggie (And Abby) that I can be. His interaction is really irrelevant. And if I am honest with myself, about 90% of the time, that's the reality we live in anyway.
I realize this is a bit rambling, but I am claiming this success. I'm not going to try to get everyone to get along. I don't necessarily think LT needs to change. He is doing fantastic in school and at work, and I would love it if he'd stop rolling his eyes, but Abby still does it at 21, so I'm not holding out much hope of that...LOL.
I finally recognize this as wisdom to know the thing I can't change.
We are not alone. and we are OKAY.
God grant me the serenity, wisdom & hope again tomorrow.
To give you an example, last night, LT asked if he could go to a ballgame next week, on a school night. Jack reasonably said we'd need to see work schedule and grades before deciding. In the 16-y-o way, LT rolled his eyes, because he didn't immediately get the answer he wanted (I'm guessing). Jack went completely nuts and yelled at him, saying he didn't deserve that, and on and on. LT went to bed, because it was actually 15 minutes past his bedtime, and as he left, Jack said - fine, you decide. I'm done. I think to myself - okay - you overreacted. Whatever. Today Jack called me at work to tell me he was pissed and he wanted me to know it. He called to tell me that he is no longer going to be LT's dad, he can now call him Jack, but he doesn't have to leave or anything - HOW big of him.
At first, I could feel that old anxiety, panic, freaking out building up. I didn't say anything for a few moments, then said I'm sorry you feel that way. Can we talk about this at home? He said what's to talk about. He continued on with dealing with LT is going to make him sick, so he's done being his dad. I did begin to cry, and told him -I've needed to say this for months, maybe years - that LT is not Jake. He has not made the mistakes Jake has made, he hasn't had any of the bad things happen (YET) that Jake chose. Instead of hearing that, Jack said - tell me how I treat him like *H(^. I repeated that I said you treat him like "JAKE". He's not Jake. By this time, I'm fully crying, at my desk, door open; I asked if we could talk at home. He said okay, and we hung up.
I'm not going to lie - I cried for a bit, hard. But then I started repeating the truth and what I know as real to myself.
- This is not about LT. This is about me not giving Jack the arguments and drama the alcoholism likes to create, so that he doesn't have to think about what HE is doing to himself and our family.
- LT has been doing great in school and has a job, and hasn't missed one day, and has already worked longer than Jake ever held a job in his life, and Jack can't complain about that as one of Jake's weaknesses.
- LT is a wonderful young man, caring and kind. He DOES NOT deserve to be treated like this. Period.
So I got a book, Al-anon Dilemma of An Alcoholic Marriage. God directed me to just the right page. And I quote: I "would have to understand how desperately the guilt-tormented alcoholic needs such weapons (lashing out unreasonably) to bolster his own ego. When he uses these weapons to attack, it is not because he hates (LT) but because he hates himself and needs to reassure himself that he is not all bad. He finds fault in the (people) nearest to him because it makes it a little easier to tolerate himself." (Page 10). Seriously -this book was written in 1971.
This spoke to me. It hit me right where I needed it. TRUTH. I realized that I need to put this situation back on Jack. I called and told him calmly that I didn't like his position, but I can understand his frustration. However, he's an adult, and I am going to respect his position and not try to manipulate circumstances or try to pretend everything's okay and for everyone to kiss and make up. He sounded shocked when he said okay, but I feel free. I'm going to continue doing what my job is. Being the best mom to LT & Maggie (And Abby) that I can be. His interaction is really irrelevant. And if I am honest with myself, about 90% of the time, that's the reality we live in anyway.
I realize this is a bit rambling, but I am claiming this success. I'm not going to try to get everyone to get along. I don't necessarily think LT needs to change. He is doing fantastic in school and at work, and I would love it if he'd stop rolling his eyes, but Abby still does it at 21, so I'm not holding out much hope of that...LOL.
I finally recognize this as wisdom to know the thing I can't change.
We are not alone. and we are OKAY.
God grant me the serenity, wisdom & hope again tomorrow.
Monday, March 5, 2012
God is Good - All the Time
The past week has been one of the most heart-wrenching for me as a mother that I've experienced in 10 years. Last time I had such a struggle, my babies were just the victims, and I was in full on protection mode - I simply acted. This time around - one of those babies had made his own bed at 16, and had to figure out his own way out. I was pretty powerless to help. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I had worried myself into a "dither." And even though I was crying out to God, turning him over to God, I couldn't help the worry. I tried to talk myself into sense, but it was exhausting. I have now learned that someone was praying very specifically for me yesterday. God heard those prayers and provided my boy with some wisdom and God moved through our family. There was reconcilliation where there was previously much discord. I'm so thankful that I knew to look to God. Even as I worried, I knew to turn him over to God.
I can also tell you that I used so many of my skills learned in al-anon. I could feel myself getting freaked out - acting on emotion rather than hearing what was true. I was immediately jumping to what do I need to do thinking, when really, I couldn't control or cure the situation. I'm exhausted from this weekend, but I can also see the good things. The answered prayers, the realizing my stinking thinking in the middle of it, and re-directing to the truth.
It's kind of amazing that I ever made it through a day before Al-Anon. And this wasn't even a direct Alcohol situtation. Although really, most of the situations we face are colored by the alcoholic's input. I'm clinging to the truth - I have to live and let live - even when that person is my child. I have to let Go and let God - even when that person is my child. I have to take it easy - even when it is my child.
Okay, let's take on the day!
I can also tell you that I used so many of my skills learned in al-anon. I could feel myself getting freaked out - acting on emotion rather than hearing what was true. I was immediately jumping to what do I need to do thinking, when really, I couldn't control or cure the situation. I'm exhausted from this weekend, but I can also see the good things. The answered prayers, the realizing my stinking thinking in the middle of it, and re-directing to the truth.
It's kind of amazing that I ever made it through a day before Al-Anon. And this wasn't even a direct Alcohol situtation. Although really, most of the situations we face are colored by the alcoholic's input. I'm clinging to the truth - I have to live and let live - even when that person is my child. I have to let Go and let God - even when that person is my child. I have to take it easy - even when it is my child.
Okay, let's take on the day!
Monday, February 20, 2012
It's a good thing I know about Al-Anon
Lately, what with the viral illness that seems to be going through our family, most normal activities seem to have stopped. Thankfully, I've not stopped reading my al-anon literature. As I described in a previous post, the ex-husband (who I now know was alcoholic, addicted to at least marijuana and other drugs) has filed this paper to reduce the amount he pays for child support. While my greatest desire is to simply ignore this situation and let it happen however, I will not put the kids at risk to possibly see him, so I trooped over to the attorney office today to see what's what. Thankfully, I can make use of the "legal aid" type of services available, so the cost for me to go through this is minimal. I had the 3rd person express to me that maybe his brain cancer is Karma or God's getting even for his actions. I thought today that I was cold thinking such things, but the people who've said so to me seem like normal kind people, not anyone out to destroy the world or anything. Soooo, maybe those are sort of normal thoughts in this most ab-normal situation.
I have been reading in Courage to Change, and it has especially been focusing on me looking at what my part in a situation is, my response, my responsibility (or NOT). I'm trying to keep that perspective in this situation too.
Then there is Abby, who has been calling so frequently it is weird behavior for her. Now I find out she has been cutting herself. I feel especially helpless in that circumstance too. I've been as supportive as I can, gave her names, info on how to contact insurance for various providers, told her to call anytime, we love her, and then I have to let her go on her journey. She really has bi-polar like symptoms, but she is a grown-up and has made choices to ensure that we know that.
In all this, it's sort of like alcoholism, in that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I certainly can't control it!
Thank goodness I have that thinking to fall back upon when I wake up in the night, as I have, and start obsessing over what I can do. Which is basically follow through what is mine to do, and leave the rest to God.
So, for today, and every day, Let GO and Let GOD!
I have been reading in Courage to Change, and it has especially been focusing on me looking at what my part in a situation is, my response, my responsibility (or NOT). I'm trying to keep that perspective in this situation too.
Then there is Abby, who has been calling so frequently it is weird behavior for her. Now I find out she has been cutting herself. I feel especially helpless in that circumstance too. I've been as supportive as I can, gave her names, info on how to contact insurance for various providers, told her to call anytime, we love her, and then I have to let her go on her journey. She really has bi-polar like symptoms, but she is a grown-up and has made choices to ensure that we know that.
In all this, it's sort of like alcoholism, in that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I certainly can't control it!
Thank goodness I have that thinking to fall back upon when I wake up in the night, as I have, and start obsessing over what I can do. Which is basically follow through what is mine to do, and leave the rest to God.
So, for today, and every day, Let GO and Let GOD!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Keep Coming Back, It works if you Work It
I have to say that I am shocked. At first I thought it was suprise. But really, it is shocked. I am shocked because over the last few weeks of Jack's "episode" of not involving in the family, crass comments, usual stuff has resulted in a different response from me. I let him be in that place. I didn't try to stop it, I didn't try to fix it, I didn't try to control it. I continued to act the way I would any other day. And it was WONDERFUL! I truly learned what it meant to detach. I've struggled so hard with that word, that verb, that process, everything about detachment has seemed impossible to me. However, It really Worked!!! Just like they say in Al-Anon - Keep Coming Back, It Works if you Work It and we Work It because We're WORTH It!
It even seemed to have a good effect on the kids. What a blessing to finally see progress in ME! And the situation resolved itself like always, only I didn't have all those bad feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt. What a relief!
I only wish everyone who lives with an alcoholic could see that light of hope - even for a moment.
It even seemed to have a good effect on the kids. What a blessing to finally see progress in ME! And the situation resolved itself like always, only I didn't have all those bad feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt. What a relief!
I only wish everyone who lives with an alcoholic could see that light of hope - even for a moment.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
You might be an Alcoholic if...
A list - one of my first, but I think it's time.
You might be for an alcoholic if...
1. You take out the trash after you've been drinking, because you don't want your daughter to see how much you drank and call you out on it.
2. You think just a couple of beers = 9 16-oz cans or 15 12-oz cans in 2.1 hours.
3. You see everything your wife does as a judgment on your behavior - even when she cooks, after you say yet again that she never cooks, and you eat less than 3 meals a week out - including lunch.
4. you are in denial about everything in your life.
5. your life is not "exciting" - You are not content with anything in your life but make no move to change it.
6. you hate yourself and treat everyone in your family as if you hate them to make yourself feel better.
And now, how I can see things after going to Al-Anon, and to continue to read about alcoholism.
You might be recovering from Alcoholism in your spouse or family member if...
1. You are able to see that he is suffering from a disease.
2. You are able to stop bringing him drinks - as you are able - and let him induldge in his disease on his own.
3. You are able to go upstairs or in another room or outside the house if you need to be away from the way he is talking or drinking, or making you uncomfortable. Even just for today or just for the hour.
4. You are able to detach with love - let him feel the consequences of his behavior. If he chooses to be alone - let him be there.
5. You are able to say just for today, I will have peace in my home.
6. You no longer hate your husband, but you do hate what the alcohol turns him into.
7. I am able to see love and affirmation from other people and places. He's not so powerful
8. I am able to put him in the back of my mind...for now. After all, that's probably where we are, because his disease is the focus of his every thought and decision.
You might be for an alcoholic if...
1. You take out the trash after you've been drinking, because you don't want your daughter to see how much you drank and call you out on it.
2. You think just a couple of beers = 9 16-oz cans or 15 12-oz cans in 2.1 hours.
3. You see everything your wife does as a judgment on your behavior - even when she cooks, after you say yet again that she never cooks, and you eat less than 3 meals a week out - including lunch.
4. you are in denial about everything in your life.
5. your life is not "exciting" - You are not content with anything in your life but make no move to change it.
6. you hate yourself and treat everyone in your family as if you hate them to make yourself feel better.
And now, how I can see things after going to Al-Anon, and to continue to read about alcoholism.
You might be recovering from Alcoholism in your spouse or family member if...
1. You are able to see that he is suffering from a disease.
2. You are able to stop bringing him drinks - as you are able - and let him induldge in his disease on his own.
3. You are able to go upstairs or in another room or outside the house if you need to be away from the way he is talking or drinking, or making you uncomfortable. Even just for today or just for the hour.
4. You are able to detach with love - let him feel the consequences of his behavior. If he chooses to be alone - let him be there.
5. You are able to say just for today, I will have peace in my home.
6. You no longer hate your husband, but you do hate what the alcohol turns him into.
7. I am able to see love and affirmation from other people and places. He's not so powerful
8. I am able to put him in the back of my mind...for now. After all, that's probably where we are, because his disease is the focus of his every thought and decision.
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