Thursday, March 29, 2012

Life is Hard

Here we are, almost done with March.  Lately, it's been very hard for me to keep in mind the truth - that God created Jack and LT and that He knows them and has them in the palm of His hand.  I know I'm powerless to make either of their choices for them, albiet in different areas, but the same hard truth remains - they are hurting themselves.  I am not a fan of watching this. It's far worse when it's our son, I must admit.  But I know God has BIG plans for him, and this too shall pass.  I began to wonder what would happen if I did decide it was time to leave.  I know financially, it would be challenging, and I know we would all miss the times when things are good.  But the assurance that we can KNOW what would happen at the end of each day what is that worth?  These are scary thoughts to me.  I truly do believe God has shown me in the past that staying is the right thing to do.  But are these problems with LT a sign something different is needed? 
I wish I knew the answer today.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Rambling rose...

There are so many thoughts going through my mind.  I find that I just want to focus on the positive.  I have had some chances to choose otherwise, and I can't do it.  I see the blessings, and I want to rejoice in them.  This world is so far from perfect, and I am going to look for all the good I can find.  When I find horrible things that I have to face, I will do so and look for what God is doing in that imperfection.  God has a great sense of humor and justice, and I believe that because of all I've seen in this life.  And living with 2 teenagers and almost 2 high schoolers is even more confirmation of that!  They are wonderful children, but have adapted so easily to those characteristics that teenagers are known for.  (Can anyone say rolling the eyes and sighing??)
What do I see today?  How about a list!
- Sunshine and 76 degrees in March  in the mid-west...for about the 4th day in a row.
- Lunch with my BFF - thank you God for bringing her to work here!
- Healthy kids who call me when they get home from school, who want to eat dinner at the family table, who help out at home, even though sometimes reluctantly and needing to be reminded. We are blessed.
- Thank you God for a sense of humor because this insanity that is my life can sometimes be overwhelming.  Thanks for the good sense to laugh when I recognize something for the insanity that it in point, letter from Jake.  To me.  After not seeing me for 5 years.  Maybe even 6.  And he apologizes to me, for what, I'm not sure.  And in letters from him to Jack, there is never any apology, only poor me, what you've done to me.  Makes me want to scream!  But I laugh.  The irony is not lost on me!
This is slightly rambling - oh well.  That's where I am today.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

And trusting God works!!

So yesterday was the "court date" for the reduction in child support.  I didn't really think about it all weekend, I didn't feel worried or scared.  Whenever I did start to think of it, I'd say - God, I know you the outcome, so I'm going to leave it with you.  Once Jack & I got to the courthouse, I was a bit nervous.  More worried about actually being in the same room with the ex (after 8 years) than anything else.  We stayed in the courtroom because every time the elevator opened, I jumped out of my skin.  That was a better plan than continuing to be startled for 20 minutes.  When he and two other people came in, I just happened to look up and out of the corner of my eye, recognized him, although he is extremely swollen from the chemo/radiation.  I instantly started shaking, and Jack grabbed my hand.  When it was our turn, I was able to speak for myself (trying this with no lawyer, as it is what it is, no lawyer will make it different).  He has been awarded SSDI, so that is that.  They provided me with a copy of his award letter, and the kids will be eligible for a benefit from that.  So I guess he gets what he wanted, no child support directly. I didn't ask for back support because it is minimal in the grand scheme of things and I just wanted this to be over.  We waited and moved slowly to get out of the court-room as I didn't want to run into him, but his current wife (CW) asked if we could talk and she had sent him down with the other person - I think his caregiver.  The CW said that they'd been trying to reach me to set up trusts for the children, because he was given 2 years to live in April 2011.  They were using the wrong name at the post office box, so it was being returned.  She also said that ex's parents came into the hospital room in April 2011 right before brain surgery and had ex sign papers saying all his estate would be split between his two brothers instead of going to his wife and children.  All I can say is leopards don't change their spots.  I really got the feeling that CW is being genuine.  She said that she and ex were separated for 2 years prior to him being diagnosed w/cancer.  She came back to take care of him because there was no one else.  I say she's a better woman than I am. 
I ended up taking the whole day off from work so I could go to the Soc. Sec. office.  After a very long time there and a very kind worker (a little shocking, but I'm not going to lie - she was fantastic), she told me the kids would each be getting a monthly stipend from SS, and it totals more than child support was.
God knew this all along.  I'm glad I trusted His plan.  I would have totally screwed it up!
It's a new day, new mercies, and the sun is shining.  Thank you God for your serenity and the prayers to remember it.  And really - Jack was amazing.  That is the man I married.  It was my privilege and honor to have him next to me.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

What Do I Want

I started this blog ever-so long ago.  I guess I did it because I felt so alone and scared and wanted a way to hear what was inside my head, and a way to see the progress I'm making.  But in real life, I can find so much to laugh about. This is almost too serious.  But there are still truthful bits. If you see a difference in posts, I hope you will still see things that help you in some way or that touch you.  I want to find my laughter.  I know it's still here.  I'll just have to let it out to play!

Monday, March 5, 2012

God is Good - All the Time

The past week has been one of the most heart-wrenching for me as a mother that I've experienced in 10 years.  Last time I had such a struggle, my babies were just the victims, and I was in full on protection mode - I simply acted.  This time around - one of those babies had made his own bed at 16, and had to figure out his own way out.  I was pretty powerless to help.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I had worried myself into a "dither."  And even though I was crying out to God, turning him over to God, I couldn't help the worry.  I tried to talk myself into sense, but it was exhausting.  I have now learned that someone was praying very specifically for me yesterday.  God heard those prayers and provided my boy with some wisdom and God moved through our family.  There was reconcilliation where there was previously much discord.  I'm so thankful that I knew to look to God.  Even as I worried, I knew to turn him over to God.
I can also tell you that I used so many of my skills learned in al-anon. I could feel myself getting freaked out - acting on emotion rather than hearing what was true.  I was immediately jumping to what do I need to do thinking, when really, I couldn't control or cure the situation. I'm exhausted from this weekend, but I can also see the good things.  The answered prayers, the realizing my stinking thinking in the middle of it, and re-directing to the truth. 
It's kind of amazing that I ever made it through a day before Al-Anon.  And this wasn't even a direct Alcohol situtation.  Although really, most of the situations we face are colored by the alcoholic's input.  I'm clinging to the truth - I have to live and let live - even when that person is my child.   I have to let Go and let God - even when that person is my child.  I have to take it easy - even when it is my child.
Okay, let's take on the day!