Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Still Learning Something New

I learned something today.  Well, maybe even two things.  I learned that just when I get sucked in to believing a senior in high school is making strides to do better, he will oversleep and crush my dreams of a smooth week (this being the first day of school for the week - Happy Birthday, Mr. President(s)).  Second, and completely unrelated, I learned that I have many gifts to give the world, but giving blood is not one of them.  I have always hated to have my blood drawn because I have ridiculously small and hidden veins.  However, a dear teach to my LT spoke once about the difference giving blood can make, and after he died of pancreatic cancer, I put my fears aside and went to give blood.  I've successfully done so 14 times since then.  However, the past 3 times, the whole scene has resulted in a horrible bruise, my vein closes, and no blood donation.  I leave feeling bad, the worker taking it feels bad, and so pooh.  I will find some other way to use my gifts for others.   I think this means I should knit some more adorable baby hats for the children's hospitals.  That is a lot less painful use of needles!

On other fronts, I've been stressing about LT, and his lack of academic performance.  He continues to underwhelm me, and now I've begun worrying about him paying for college.  According to the "estimator" we are supposed to contribute 1/3 of our annual income to his college costs next year.  I don't know who wrote that algorithm, but I'm betting he didn't do well in math.  That's more than twice our budget for our house payment.  Seriously?  The world is so screwed up.

Ah well, ever onward.  This too shall pass. And all that Jazz.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

....closing that chapter

LT and I made the trip over to his biological chromosome donator's funeral last night.  Maggie didn't want to go, and I saw no reason she should, so we were by ourselves.  Not going to lie - a little bit nervous.  In the end, after much prayer and covering by others in prayer - there was grace in the whole situation.  We were welcomed with love and hugs by those who loved us before, and even some who weren't so loving.  LT was able to say goodbye to the person who left so long ago.  And I think some healing was done by all.
If it weren't for my experiences in Al-Anon and with all the caring people in my home group, I know I couldn't have driven to that town, let alone entered the place with LT.  So thankful for forgiveness, healing, and grace.  That is what we all hope to offer and be offered in this life.
So today, I look with grace upon Jack.  Praying some day that he will feel it and be able to return it.
So proud of LT and what a kind, thoughtful young man he is.  Truly blessed.


Thankfully, it feels okay.  It feels like we can close that chapter of our life.  Our hurts, our fears, our tears, our pain.  All of it is behind us now.  We no longer have to live in fear that he will show up and want something from any of us.  I'm thankful for God's protection all this time, and what we now have for today and every day after this.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Finally. Not What I Expected!

So the turmoil between Jack and LT continues.  It is like being in a small hole with a live grenade.  I'm over it, and don't understand why they can't just get along.  But that's not to be.  So I keep praying.  And I know God is still in control, but really - it's been a rough week.  Along with that warring in our home, LT is not doing too hot in school, although he only needs 2 classes to graduate, I think it would be prudent to do well, or as well as he can! in all of them before college.  You know, as a dress rehearsal kind of thing - eegads he makes me nuts.
The real weird/rough thing is that I received word 3rd party, that my ex-husband has passed away.  This is the most bizzare of things (well in the last 4-5 years, anyway).  I don't know how to feel about it.  Mostly I feel relieved, and at first I felt guilty because of it.  But now, I have decided that it's just a feeling.  I'm relieved that we no longer have to fear that some how, some way, he will find out where we live and show up at our doorstep.  That is how Maggie feels too, and she's the one I'm most relieved for.  LT is just confused about how he feels too.  He remembers him a bit better, as he was 6 the last time he saw the biological donator.  I truly would never change anything that brought me those two kiddos, so I know that somewhere in my past I did have feelings for him, the person I married.  But thankfully, I could see when he was harming us and got out of there before too much more damage could be done.  And for that person, I'm glad we don't have to be in fear any longer.
Jack continues with his passive-aggressive, unreasonableness. It is hard some days to look past the alcoholic in the room and see the man who is kind and caring and loving.  In the last few days, I could have really used the man I married.  Hmmmm I see a pattern here.  My ex was an alcoholic and drug abuser, but I didn't know it until AFTER, much after, I figured out all the other stuff.  I'm so glad I've found Al-Anon.  For all of our sakes.
Let Go and Let God.
One Day at A Time
Serenity Prayer
Thank you God for your faithfulness.
Now on to the next thing...please keep LT in your thoughts - that he may finally "get" the whole lying vs. truth, and honesty is the best etc.  Also, that somehow, with all of this drama, he can really excel as he is capable of so he can feel his future come true.
I'm so exhausted - this life is heavy right now.
Love to all.