Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Let's get caught up

So after a ridiculously long dry spell, I reappear.   It's been a wet, weird summer.  Mostly a good summer, but wet.  Ick.  So to catch everyone up, school is over, LT stayed out west for work and still loves it.  He did a great job in school, and continues to make this mama proud.  Maggie is a very good teenager, and sometime drives me nutty, but is headed into her senior year, and we've been traveling the state looking at colleges. Abby is on her own vacation, and thankfully, seems to be enjoying that too.  So glad for some time home alone with Jack.  Isn't that a surprise? 
We've had a good summer so far, even going on our own vacation, sans children, the first ever.  It was delightful and I now want to move to the mountains of Alaska.  I realize that isn't a real possibility at this moment, but still, I was moved to tears by the beauty of that place.  Simply beyond words, and photos don't even remotely do it justice. 
My work continues to be the same, but I've come to a better place with it.  Part of it may be that I've been at the same place for nearly 10 years, and that is the longest I've ever done anything, except parent and drive.  There's some perspective for you.  I apparently have a whole lot of quit in me.  Ha ha.
Celebrated 50 years of marriage for my parents a few weeks ago.  What an incredible and awesome achievement.  I am so proud to have parents that still love each other, and even went on a quick week adventure to celebrate.
That's the quick recap.  Hope you have a great day, and that it is summer day with sunshine!
thank you to: http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee120/JustAnEngineer/Alaska/Denali/IMG_2364.jpg

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

A Job

This is typically my place to examine and reflect on life at home.  I am really struggling at work and thought maybe this would be a good place to examine life on the job.  Over the past few months, I've become increasingly unhappy.  I'm not sure if it's because I've remained in the same place with the same people, who really are almost all like family to me, or if it's because my supervisor is gone so often.  While frequently that is a good thing, it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm just a small person in a small place with a small job, where my sole purpose is to clean up after other people, not in a housekeeping sense, but in a crisis management sense.  Like the failure of others to do their job, for which they are paid big bucks, results in me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and never being able to complete anything or do a good job at any task.  Frustration.  With a capital F.

So I start looking for other work.  At the same place.  But they decide to do an overhaul of time off (vacation, sick, etc.).  So now do I want to continue to work here?  I don't know. I'm so cynical and tired.  And really, I want to make pretty things.  I'm tired of doing what i have to do to take care of my family.  Thankfully, the day to day existence is better now, but I'm still stuck.  Clearly I have first world problems, but I want to make a difference to the world.  So, I will continue to wait and see what God may have planned.  I will look for windows he's opened, and hope for a giant garage door flung wide open that I need to walk through.  I can't figure out what is next.

Thankfully family is well and safe and healthy (as much as we can be with our dysfunction).  For that I'm grateful.  And the sunshine.  It makes winter a lot more bearable.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

This About Sums it Up

So today, I ran across this post: Don't Roll Into the Holiday 'Till You Read This.  It says EXACTLY what I've needed to hear.  I've been really struggling with the holidays, for years actually, and this year I about went over the edge when Jack spat at me that LT couldn't stay with us for his entire Christmas break from school.  Instead of just talking to me about it, in his typical Passive/Aggressive way, said something vague and then I was supposed to interpret what that meant.  After tiring of his cold shoulder routine, I guess he finally was tired of acting like that too, and decided to talk to me.  Now, I can understand that he doesn't want to have the entire month long period being stressed for everyone, and by everyone, he means him and Abby, but we can have LT here several times, just no more than 3-4 days at a time.
Really?  I try not to be too bitchy about things that go on in the insanity circle that is the alcoholic family dynamic, but this isn't what I wanted my family to look like.  I guess that's why Momastry's post really struck me.  Rarely do our families live up to the shiny sparkly families that are advertised on every station and in every magazine.  We are all a bunch of messy, broken humans trying to get through life.  I accept all of my family and their messiness.  I just wish those messes didn't have to hurt so much.
Praying for peace and joy for your family this Christmas.
Please remember the reason we celebrate - the gift of God in human form - He came to this messy world so we could know a better place.
Blessings to you and yours.
WGO

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Christmas Time is Here

The holidays are almost here.  This year they look a little different - with LT being away at college, it's just been us and the girls.  He's doing great so far, and I'm ready to see him.  Thanksgiving he was home, but was sick the whole week.  Although, I've been told he can't stay at our house the entire vacation, so I guess he'll go spend some time with the grands, and have a wonderful time of peace and relaxation. That's what I want for him most.  He's done really well in most of his classes, better than in high school.  I'm so proud of him for following his dream even when that means moving quite far away.  I believe in him, and also that God has him right where he should be.  The girls are both having their usual amounts of drama.  At least the house is looking nice, and more like a woman lives in it instead of all camo and wildlife.  Finally an improvement :-)

Jack is still Jack.  Some days are good, some days he has great thought and kindness and shares with me that he can see his blessings.  Other days, the demons get in the way.  I'm thankful for the good times and know the bad ones will pass. 

If you are the praying kind, please keep us in your prayers, that we'd have a good family time together while LT is with us, and that perhaps in some small way Jack will see the good in LT and show him that. 

Thankful for each of you reading even when I only write sporadically.  I want to do more, and will try.  Sometimes it just seems redundant what I have to say, and my hope that each day will get better.  Merry Christmas.
WGO

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

On this day in history...

We celebrate the Veterans of our nation today.  I am eternally grateful for their service, the sacrifices made and the lives that each one has given to serve us as citizens and our country.  And it's my birthday :-)  I'm just pausing to thank God for this day, my good friends, my BFF, my family (both original and my husband and kids).  While I've had many struggles, not all of which I've talked about here, I know that God has been with me each step of the way and used my mistakes to fulfill His purposes as well as opening doors and closing some as well.
Sometimes in the midst of alcoholic crazy-making behavior and dealing with it, I lose sight of the good that I have.  Today I pause as I think of the Veterans of our Country, and the blessings I have too.
Have a great day, and stay warm!

Wife...

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

What Today Looks Like

My days go by so quickly.  I have lots I want to say, but don't take the time to stop and say them.  Today, I'm stopping to say the words.  There has been a lot of adjusting for me lately to a lot of changes.  Change is kind of like that saying, "Lead, Follow or Get out of the Way."  Change, Resist, or Wallow...

LT is doing great at college.  He seems to be thriving.  Just like I knew he would.  He's struggled with one class, decided to change majors, and is picking back up with his creative pursuit next semester.  He's holding down a job and 1/2.  He seems so comfortable in his own skin.  I'm so thankful to see him happy.  I hate that he's 600 miles away, but it's where God wants him for this time, and it is a good place.  He's even been going to church, and it was a really good experience he shared with me when I was there.

Abby seems to be doing better, becoming more independent, and growing in her faith.  It's great to see.  Then she'll have days where she comes over, collapses at our house and sleeps for hours - like she doesn't know how to relax in her own home, so she does it at ours.  Glad that she feels comfortable and can relax with us.

There's miss Maggie.  She's really finding herself.  She's in a local theater production - in a million years, I'd not have imagined her so willing to get up in front of people.  It's awesome to see.  She's driven on her own twice now.  I can't even believe that it is possible.  My baby.  Almost 17.  She's got some teenage attitude, but really, it's minimal. 

Then there's Jack.  He is in his October State of Mind.  Meaning he's heading to the winter depression.  Maybe it's something else, but it happens every year.  At least this year, I'm trying really hard to remember what is true, and what is true is that it's not about me.  Whatever he's going through isn't in my control to change or make better.  So I'm not picking up that responsibility.  It's a good thing.

And me - well, I'm going through a lot.  I miss the days of my young children, but am so thankful for the amazing people they are becoming.  Proud of them and their choices and achievements.  My body is also rebelling.  I am struggling to exercise while dealing with horrible foot pain.  I refuse to stop because I've been following through for 6 weeks now.  I don't want to go backward.  I'm tired of taking medicine for blood pressure, and being tired all the time.  I've been eating better, and losing weight ever so slowly.   My body is officially in the "menopause range" according to a hormone blood test.  Perhaps that is why I cry about half the time and don't want to be around anyone the other half.   Probably why the pounds are creeping off.  At least they are slowly coming off.  My winter clothes fit, so I'm grateful for that.  I want to make beautiful things and be at home, but the whole one kid in college and another headed that way prevents my creative concentration for now.  I feel so depressed, but know there is no reason to feel that way.  I keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other.  I guess that's all we can do any day.

I just have to keep focused on what God has for me to do in this season.  And he's really good at showing up.  I leave you with my son's photo - gorgeous sight of God's handiwork.




Sunday, July 27, 2014

A Little Peace and Quiet, Sort of...


I guess I've been away longer than I thought.  July is now nearly over, and it's been just crazy.  I can't believe in 3 weeks, LT will be at college.  He's been staying at my parents, and I think he's enjoying it.  I miss him, but he does call me quite a bit, so that makes me feel better.  Miss Abby is having some anxious moments, over what, I'm not exactly sure.  Just hope the latest issues with her maternal parent aren't serious.  Maggie continues to be a ball of energy, playing tennis, learning to drive, and generally being much perkier than I ever am.  I think this must be a genetic alteration...lol.  Jack is on the last day of a quick work trip, and I've had exactly 3 hours to myself over those 4 days.  It's been lovely, but I canned tomato juice, so I've been working all those hours!  
Over this weekend, I also met a new friend and helped her at an estate sale for 2 days.  What a scream.  We don't commonly have those around here, but where she's from, they are very common, and she started a business here.  It's so fun.  Sort of like an auction and a garage sale, but with no bartering.  The 2nd day has 1/2 price after 1, then the 3rd day is 75% off.  I didn't stop by today, so I'm not sure how busy it was, but the first day they handed out 36+ numbers to enter the house.  It was so tiny AND packed, that they could only let in 18 people at a time.  I had so much fun. 
I spoke with a friend/counselor the other day - still trying to get through this blah feeling.  She recommended I figure out what I want to do with the next 20 years of my life, not that being "mom" no longer takes 24 hours of my day.  I really want to work in a library or be a private investigator.  So, I guess I will begin investigating (haha - pun!) those as possible options.  I liked that estate sale thing, but it is LOTS of hard work.  
Oh, in an interesting turn of events, I received a letter from Jake.  From Prison.  He wants me to intervene with Jack and encourage Jack to have a relationship with him.  I'm not really sure that's what Jack wants, or he'd already have done it, nor am i sure that it is what's best.  The worst part is through this all, Jake has never said one time that he was sorry for what he did to start this whole chain of events, nor the actions he did to worsen it.  I'm just thankful for God's protection over my kids while they were younger.  God is so good.  Amazingly good. I haven't written him back because what I want to say, he probably won't want to hear. 
I guess I'd better get back to enjoying my time alone until Abby gets here. 
Keeping my blog friends in my thoughts and prayers.  There are still really good people in the world, and it's great to actually see them.