Monday, April 7, 2014

Some Things Change...Some Things Stay the Same

I think spring is finally coming.  Not here, but coming.  It's a weird sort of winter we have had, and it makes spring all the more welcome to me!  Things are changing - looking at graduation for LT.  He went to a dance, and held hands with a girl.  I mean seriously - on our couch - in our house - I may have had a small panic attack.  I understand this is normal behavior for 18 y-o boys, but my baby?!!  My boy?!?  No, this is not normal!  LOL - God is working on stretching me.  I got it - But seriously??? I don't think you understand how my mind was blown.  Anyway, that is changing. He has to commit to a college any day, and there's that to look forward to as well.
To the things that stay the same...Jack and his drinking, blame gaming, and childishness.  I am trying to extend grace.  And sometimes I'm better at that than others.  It's just really hard some days, and I let my exasperation show.  Believe me, I'm paying for it.  But, I also have grace shown to me - a reminder of what is in my control and what is not...a reminder of what I can control and what I can't.  So I move on.  Changing slowly, but changing with the grace that comes from a God who is bigger than this life and any trial that comes.
God is good, and I was reminded of that too!  Had a great time at a retreat where God's love overflowed, and it was amazing to see that in the faces and the lives of the women there.

Take one day at a time, and let God do what is His to do.  I have plenty to take care of in my own head. 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

All Quiet on the Western Front

Laughing in the face of crazy, I am happy to report all is quiet today.  Of course, that could change at any moment.  Kids are preparing for a big play this weekend, Abby appears to be settling into a routine as an adult - still makes me crazy worrying about how she eats/takes care of herself...but that is their specialty, right?
Jack and I are doing fairly well.  I have had a couple of opportunities to practice what I read about in my al-anon books, and those went well.  I was really worried about even sharing this fact, as I could be bringing doom, despair and agony on me (to quote the HeeHaw song).  It is so pleasant, that I did want to share that there are days when life is good.  Things aren't in turmoil, and just being is great.  I think it's one of the reasons I always notice the sky - if you just notice, there are good things every day. 
Loving yoga and feeling so much better each week after it is over.  There may be something to this taking care of yourself business.
Hope you take care of you today.
Picture found at:

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Still Learning Something New

I learned something today.  Well, maybe even two things.  I learned that just when I get sucked in to believing a senior in high school is making strides to do better, he will oversleep and crush my dreams of a smooth week (this being the first day of school for the week - Happy Birthday, Mr. President(s)).  Second, and completely unrelated, I learned that I have many gifts to give the world, but giving blood is not one of them.  I have always hated to have my blood drawn because I have ridiculously small and hidden veins.  However, a dear teach to my LT spoke once about the difference giving blood can make, and after he died of pancreatic cancer, I put my fears aside and went to give blood.  I've successfully done so 14 times since then.  However, the past 3 times, the whole scene has resulted in a horrible bruise, my vein closes, and no blood donation.  I leave feeling bad, the worker taking it feels bad, and so pooh.  I will find some other way to use my gifts for others.   I think this means I should knit some more adorable baby hats for the children's hospitals.  That is a lot less painful use of needles!

On other fronts, I've been stressing about LT, and his lack of academic performance.  He continues to underwhelm me, and now I've begun worrying about him paying for college.  According to the "estimator" we are supposed to contribute 1/3 of our annual income to his college costs next year.  I don't know who wrote that algorithm, but I'm betting he didn't do well in math.  That's more than twice our budget for our house payment.  Seriously?  The world is so screwed up.

Ah well, ever onward.  This too shall pass. And all that Jazz.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

....closing that chapter

LT and I made the trip over to his biological chromosome donator's funeral last night.  Maggie didn't want to go, and I saw no reason she should, so we were by ourselves.  Not going to lie - a little bit nervous.  In the end, after much prayer and covering by others in prayer - there was grace in the whole situation.  We were welcomed with love and hugs by those who loved us before, and even some who weren't so loving.  LT was able to say goodbye to the person who left so long ago.  And I think some healing was done by all.
If it weren't for my experiences in Al-Anon and with all the caring people in my home group, I know I couldn't have driven to that town, let alone entered the place with LT.  So thankful for forgiveness, healing, and grace.  That is what we all hope to offer and be offered in this life.
So today, I look with grace upon Jack.  Praying some day that he will feel it and be able to return it.
So proud of LT and what a kind, thoughtful young man he is.  Truly blessed.

Thankfully, it feels okay.  It feels like we can close that chapter of our life.  Our hurts, our fears, our tears, our pain.  All of it is behind us now.  We no longer have to live in fear that he will show up and want something from any of us.  I'm thankful for God's protection all this time, and what we now have for today and every day after this.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Finally. Not What I Expected!

So the turmoil between Jack and LT continues.  It is like being in a small hole with a live grenade.  I'm over it, and don't understand why they can't just get along.  But that's not to be.  So I keep praying.  And I know God is still in control, but really - it's been a rough week.  Along with that warring in our home, LT is not doing too hot in school, although he only needs 2 classes to graduate, I think it would be prudent to do well, or as well as he can! in all of them before college.  You know, as a dress rehearsal kind of thing - eegads he makes me nuts.
The real weird/rough thing is that I received word 3rd party, that my ex-husband has passed away.  This is the most bizzare of things (well in the last 4-5 years, anyway).  I don't know how to feel about it.  Mostly I feel relieved, and at first I felt guilty because of it.  But now, I have decided that it's just a feeling.  I'm relieved that we no longer have to fear that some how, some way, he will find out where we live and show up at our doorstep.  That is how Maggie feels too, and she's the one I'm most relieved for.  LT is just confused about how he feels too.  He remembers him a bit better, as he was 6 the last time he saw the biological donator.  I truly would never change anything that brought me those two kiddos, so I know that somewhere in my past I did have feelings for him, the person I married.  But thankfully, I could see when he was harming us and got out of there before too much more damage could be done.  And for that person, I'm glad we don't have to be in fear any longer.
Jack continues with his passive-aggressive, unreasonableness. It is hard some days to look past the alcoholic in the room and see the man who is kind and caring and loving.  In the last few days, I could have really used the man I married.  Hmmmm I see a pattern here.  My ex was an alcoholic and drug abuser, but I didn't know it until AFTER, much after, I figured out all the other stuff.  I'm so glad I've found Al-Anon.  For all of our sakes.
Let Go and Let God.
One Day at A Time
Serenity Prayer
Thank you God for your faithfulness.
Now on to the next thing...please keep LT in your thoughts - that he may finally "get" the whole lying vs. truth, and honesty is the best etc.  Also, that somehow, with all of this drama, he can really excel as he is capable of so he can feel his future come true.
I'm so exhausted - this life is heavy right now.
Love to all.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Looking Back, Looking Forward - Happy New Year

I really don't care for the holidays anymore.  Pretty much after my ex-husband punched me in the face in the car in front of our children on the way to his parents' house, my view of them went steadily down hill.   Since that year, there have been bad holidays with a capital B (as if that weren't the worst one...) and there have been good holidays.  There have been times I've really felt the nearness of God and the world looked pretty good.  Remarkably this was more of the pretty good variety.  Even with having to dish out about six grand on 3 home/appliance/features that are required for 1st world living - or even 2nd world living.  There weren't any big gifts or fancy celebrations.  It was just calm, mostly.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year.  The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me.  I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic.  But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem.  You don't need to pick it up.  Set it back down and let him deal with his issue."  I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting.  Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles.  He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.

Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.

Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, safe and peaceful new year.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Twice in one day?

My Thoughts Exactly!
I saw this and thought it summed up the week perfectly.  But they still ask me what's for dinner.  Every.Single.Day.

At least I can laugh!