Wednesday, October 29, 2014

What Today Looks Like

My days go by so quickly.  I have lots I want to say, but don't take the time to stop and say them.  Today, I'm stopping to say the words.  There has been a lot of adjusting for me lately to a lot of changes.  Change is kind of like that saying, "Lead, Follow or Get out of the Way."  Change, Resist, or Wallow...

LT is doing great at college.  He seems to be thriving.  Just like I knew he would.  He's struggled with one class, decided to change majors, and is picking back up with his creative pursuit next semester.  He's holding down a job and 1/2.  He seems so comfortable in his own skin.  I'm so thankful to see him happy.  I hate that he's 600 miles away, but it's where God wants him for this time, and it is a good place.  He's even been going to church, and it was a really good experience he shared with me when I was there.

Abby seems to be doing better, becoming more independent, and growing in her faith.  It's great to see.  Then she'll have days where she comes over, collapses at our house and sleeps for hours - like she doesn't know how to relax in her own home, so she does it at ours.  Glad that she feels comfortable and can relax with us.

There's miss Maggie.  She's really finding herself.  She's in a local theater production - in a million years, I'd not have imagined her so willing to get up in front of people.  It's awesome to see.  She's driven on her own twice now.  I can't even believe that it is possible.  My baby.  Almost 17.  She's got some teenage attitude, but really, it's minimal. 

Then there's Jack.  He is in his October State of Mind.  Meaning he's heading to the winter depression.  Maybe it's something else, but it happens every year.  At least this year, I'm trying really hard to remember what is true, and what is true is that it's not about me.  Whatever he's going through isn't in my control to change or make better.  So I'm not picking up that responsibility.  It's a good thing.

And me - well, I'm going through a lot.  I miss the days of my young children, but am so thankful for the amazing people they are becoming.  Proud of them and their choices and achievements.  My body is also rebelling.  I am struggling to exercise while dealing with horrible foot pain.  I refuse to stop because I've been following through for 6 weeks now.  I don't want to go backward.  I'm tired of taking medicine for blood pressure, and being tired all the time.  I've been eating better, and losing weight ever so slowly.   My body is officially in the "menopause range" according to a hormone blood test.  Perhaps that is why I cry about half the time and don't want to be around anyone the other half.   Probably why the pounds are creeping off.  At least they are slowly coming off.  My winter clothes fit, so I'm grateful for that.  I want to make beautiful things and be at home, but the whole one kid in college and another headed that way prevents my creative concentration for now.  I feel so depressed, but know there is no reason to feel that way.  I keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other.  I guess that's all we can do any day.

I just have to keep focused on what God has for me to do in this season.  And he's really good at showing up.  I leave you with my son's photo - gorgeous sight of God's handiwork.




Sunday, July 27, 2014

A Little Peace and Quiet, Sort of...


I guess I've been away longer than I thought.  July is now nearly over, and it's been just crazy.  I can't believe in 3 weeks, LT will be at college.  He's been staying at my parents, and I think he's enjoying it.  I miss him, but he does call me quite a bit, so that makes me feel better.  Miss Abby is having some anxious moments, over what, I'm not exactly sure.  Just hope the latest issues with her maternal parent aren't serious.  Maggie continues to be a ball of energy, playing tennis, learning to drive, and generally being much perkier than I ever am.  I think this must be a genetic alteration...lol.  Jack is on the last day of a quick work trip, and I've had exactly 3 hours to myself over those 4 days.  It's been lovely, but I canned tomato juice, so I've been working all those hours!  
Over this weekend, I also met a new friend and helped her at an estate sale for 2 days.  What a scream.  We don't commonly have those around here, but where she's from, they are very common, and she started a business here.  It's so fun.  Sort of like an auction and a garage sale, but with no bartering.  The 2nd day has 1/2 price after 1, then the 3rd day is 75% off.  I didn't stop by today, so I'm not sure how busy it was, but the first day they handed out 36+ numbers to enter the house.  It was so tiny AND packed, that they could only let in 18 people at a time.  I had so much fun. 
I spoke with a friend/counselor the other day - still trying to get through this blah feeling.  She recommended I figure out what I want to do with the next 20 years of my life, not that being "mom" no longer takes 24 hours of my day.  I really want to work in a library or be a private investigator.  So, I guess I will begin investigating (haha - pun!) those as possible options.  I liked that estate sale thing, but it is LOTS of hard work.  
Oh, in an interesting turn of events, I received a letter from Jake.  From Prison.  He wants me to intervene with Jack and encourage Jack to have a relationship with him.  I'm not really sure that's what Jack wants, or he'd already have done it, nor am i sure that it is what's best.  The worst part is through this all, Jake has never said one time that he was sorry for what he did to start this whole chain of events, nor the actions he did to worsen it.  I'm just thankful for God's protection over my kids while they were younger.  God is so good.  Amazingly good. I haven't written him back because what I want to say, he probably won't want to hear. 
I guess I'd better get back to enjoying my time alone until Abby gets here. 
Keeping my blog friends in my thoughts and prayers.  There are still really good people in the world, and it's great to actually see them.  





Tuesday, July 1, 2014

It's July already?

I can't believe it's July already.  How does this summer keep rushing by?  I'm doing better with the depression.  Glad that the sun is out most days.  That seems to be helping.  Tomatoes are on the plants - just waiting to turn yellow, then orange then red.  When the tiny ones pop out now, I grab them and eat them before I can get to the house!  So delicious.
Maggie & LT went on a retreat.  It was glorious to have a peaceful house for a few days.  Then they were back, and LT is back with the grands.  Maggie has taken on the 16 y-o angst and irritation identity.  She can leave that where she found it.  I've had enough already.  If she thinks she's going to drive a car while talking the way she is now - um, forget.it.
Jack is Jack.  Some days good, some days less great.  I guess I'm the same way.  I hope I'm not treating him the way he treats me, but honestly, some days it takes all I have to be civil.  Courteous.  And it also feels like he and Maggie are ganging up on me.  There's a chapter in one of my books that talks about that phenomenon.  I'm going to have to re-read.  It never really applied to me until now. 
Still praying that we will find the money for LT to go to college.  I'm still so angry at their biological father.  I can't believe he didn't leave them anything at his death.  I hope his parents are enjoying their money.  They can go on another cruise, or buy a house in Florida now.  It's always been about the money and it always will be.
Sorry for the negative thoughts today. It's just where I am.  I still believe all things will work out. I trust in my God.  I believe in Him.  (Please help me in my unbelief.) (Mark 9:24)

Saturday, June 14, 2014

What an Adventure


Road trip 101.  First things first.  LT & I are on a road trip to visit the college of his choice that is about 600 miles from home.  It has been quite the adventure so far.  The first thing I learned – always bring an atlas.  Google maps and apple maps may be readily available on your phone, but they are not always the best indicators of the actual route you should take.  When in the world did we start listening to a machine to tell us where to go??!?  I’m firmly convinced that those things are updated by Scooter and Moron in the back room of an un-named tech company where they have been spending their days on drinking or smoking pot!  I kid.  I’m sure those products work fantastically.  However, I’m also certain that the people who wrote the code for them have never been inside the state of Missouri.  They can’t possibly know what they are doing.  We were driving around rural Missouri for 2 hours before I said enough – get back to a main highway!   Then, miraculously we found the western edge of Missouri and were on our way…I was so frustrated.  At least we were listening to Jim Gaffigan who had me laughing so hard I was crying.  Finally a good reason to cry. 
I’ve been having a rough time.  I’m not sure if it is all the change with LT, tiring of the drama with Jack’s drinking/alcoholism, my own hormones or what.  I cry all of the time. Over nothing.  Over everything.  I’m trying some changes to my antidepressants, so hopefully that will help SOON.
I’m currently trying to relax while LT is off at the U bonding with his fellow freshmen.  I hope it will work – for both of our sakes.  I do think he is in the write place.  After the orientation yesterday, I feel confident that he can thrive here.  Succeed.  Not just make it.  As long as he takes advantage of every opportunity for help that they offer, he will flourish.  That is my prayer for him. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

A New Chapter

First I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth.  I've been battling severe depression, but with all the changes going on, I didn't recognize it for what it was.  LT's been living with grandparents.  While I know it's the right thing, it has made me so sad.  I miss him when he's not here.  It's been good to have him here this weekend.
Feeling back on track now - and it's a good thing!
Today is LT's high school graduation.  I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn and thought those same words and nearly had a panic attack.  But, HE IS GRADUATING!!  Several times we didn't now if that would happen yet.  But he worked hard, put his mind to it and DID it!  I'm so proud of him  And in a few days, we are going to visit his college of choice - 10 hours away.  I'm really proud of him for wanting to take this adventure - the price is slightly prohibitive, but I told him you only have to have the first payment for the first due date, and we'll face the next one as it comes.  If God wants him on this path, He will show us how to get there.
So today, there's church, graduation, his party, and then I collapse.  And start again tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll be able to post later tonight or tomorrow.  Please pray that the party goes well.  Jack and LT have been getting along so poorly, but it's really more LT acting like an adult than Jack.  That's just sad.
This is my boy, so long ago...

Friday, May 16, 2014

What I've Learned So Far

And now, after talking with a sweet friend I've thought of some other things.  It's a good thing, since I've 50 more to go...
51.  Take what you want and leave the rest.  I don't have to take it all personally and to heart.  Listen, think, then act.
52.  It is always in my best interest to choose my actions rather than react to a situation.
53.  Time spent with my children is never wasted.
54.  I've learned that I LOVE Yoga, and so do my pants.  The yoga pants were very excited by their first trip!  I love that I have learned to shut out the world and just quiet my brain for that hour.  What a gift!
55.  Once upon a time, I was an athlete, with an athlete's body.  That time has passed.
56.  I love to hear my children laugh.  Especially together.
57.  I don't ever want to treat a stranger nicer than I treat my family.
58.  When I listen to KLove - invariably I will hear a song that hits me right where I need to feel it.  God is so good!
59.  I will never be able to stand the smell of Obsession for men by CK.  It makes me physically sick.  There is a truth to that whole smell triggering memories.
60. Rain is good, and we needed it.  Enough for now, so please return the sun to it's previous condition.  Thank you.  Just as a reminder, here is what it looks like:

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Continuing Onward...

Took the day off yesterday.  I was crazy busy, but did have time to make a good dinner.  I'm starting to be about as exciting as a facE!book post.  Shall we continue on with my pearls of wisdom?  I know you're just on the edge of your seat with anticipation!

41.  I've learned that my children have a wonderful sense of humor if they let it out.  I'm hoping they got that from me. 
42.  It's good to be able to laugh at yourself.
43.  Being a grown-up is sometimes highly overrated.
44.  I have a better chance of winning the lottery than correctly predicting what kind of mood Jack will be in when coming home at the end of the day.
45.  A cute pair of shoes really doesn't matter.  But it can make the drama more tolerable.
46.  No is a complete sentence.
47.  Exhaling is a great stress reliever.  If you are anxious, do it - it helps.
48.  Eighteen years ago, my baby was 6 months old.  I don't understand how the time passes so quickly.
49.  Remembering your gratitude list - even if it's only 1 thing, and focusing on that, helps in bad times.
50.  On any given day, COPS will probably be on the TV at our house for at least 30 minutes.

Halfway there! 
Have a great spring day.