Looking Back, Looking Forward - Happy New Year

I really don't care for the holidays anymore.  Pretty much after my ex-husband punched me in the face in the car in front of our children on the way to his parents' house, my view of them went steadily down hill.   Since that year, there have been bad holidays with a capital B (as if that weren't the worst one...) and there have been good holidays.  There have been times I've really felt the nearness of God and the world looked pretty good.  Remarkably this was more of the pretty good variety.  Even with having to dish out about six grand on 3 home/appliance/features that are required for 1st world living - or even 2nd world living.  There weren't any big gifts or fancy celebrations.  It was just calm, mostly.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year.  The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me.  I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic.  But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem.  You don't need to pick it up.  Set it back down and let him deal with his issue."  I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting.  Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles.  He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.

Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.

 

Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, safe and peaceful new year.

There are DAYS...

Today, I want to be part of Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say. 
There are days when I just don't think I can go on one more day. Today I faced the fact that LT missed the bus AGAIN - with 2 days left of school.  This could mean in-school suspension and missing a final.  How could I allow this to happen - I feel like such a failure.  But you know what, my consequences haven't had an impact on getting that 17 y-o boy out of bed.  Maybe some more drastic school consequences will make a difference.  Maybe not.  That's the thing about boys - sometimes your bottom of the barrel isn't theirs. 

And really, in the grand scheme of things, he's a good kid, almost a senior, holds a job and is very kind to others (except his sisters, on occasion), and wants to participate in mission trips and volunteers at church. And I know God has prepared him for exactly the right path.  He just likes to sleep in!

There are days I don't think I can take one more day of Jack's drinking.  I get so tired of working my program, remembering that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.  It gets so old hearing his comments about how much this woman or that woman wants him.  I have learned to not let it sit in my head and beat me down, to realize he's insecure and it's not about me, but I just get so tired.  I get so tired of having to be the one who realizes that I need to make changes.  But then I realize how much Al-Anon and other friends have helped me to be the person I am today.  I'm not so afraid any more.  Fear doesn't rule my every thought. I'm strong, I'm a child of God, and I'm loved.  I have good kids, a great dog, and amazing friends (see Louise!!).  Then Jack will hold me and say how thankful he is that I put up with him.  How glad he is that I'm his wife, and I know - absolutely KNOW that God is here in the midst of this chaos and He's working in it.  And that's enough for me.

There are days I can't bear the thought of Abby moving back home after college.  Her lack of desire to be on her own, being responsible and being with a boy that she has said pushed her.  If that is what she told us about, then it was worse and she's now thinking of living with him.  But it's not my battle to fight.  I can say all the truth in the world, but she's 21 and she has to make her own mistakes, I guess.  Then she will tell me that she wants me to go shopping with her, not her mom, because I always make her feel pretty when we're done.  And I cry for the part of her that hears discouragement from her mom.  And I know God is here.

There are days when I can't stand that Maggie is a chatterbox and wants to be in my personal space and always hug me or hang on me or hold my hand.  She is dramatic and has attitude and sasses me and wants my help but doesn't want to take it.  She tells me to stop watching her when she's playing soccer and makes a mistake.  Like it's my fault.  But then I remember that she's 15 and it's her job to be dramatic, and sassy.  I remember that there will come a day when she will be too busy with a boy to hug me, and her life will be filled with college and friends and sports and work, and I'll be without her smile and quick with.  And I know God is going to do big things with this girl.

There are days when I miss my grandma so much that it hurts.  Even after 5 years.  It feels like yesterday.

There are days when I want to hide under the covers and not come out.  To be left alone and not have to deal with all this mess.  But then I realize how fortunate I am.  I have a home that wasn't flattened in a tornado, I have a husband who holds a job and loves us all in the best way he can, and sometimes we get to see it.  I have children who are safe and healthy and smart and loving.  My parents and sister are healthy and safe and we all love each other.  We know how to laugh.

There are days when I thank God for all that I have and more importantly all the love in my life.  Those are the best days of all.

Are We There Yet?

I've been out of town for a week, in a western desert state where the sun was out EVERY day.  It was wonderful.  I was with Jack, and even that was a great experience.  I was intending to come today and write about that, and how thankful I am for that time.
I am thankful for that time.  I am thankful for every day, every minute of that time.  I'm thankful for every day when LT & Maggie's grandparents were with them and made them feel loved and cared for.
Unfortunately, last night, reality struck. My only question is, are we there yet??????  Have we reached rock bottom?  Nope.  Jack has not reached rock bottom.  I, however, am starting to feel the rocks on the bottom as they tear at my hands that I'm using to hold myself up.
Tomorrow is d-day for me, or s-day.  I'm having some surgery, that while it isn't expected to be serious, it is making me uneasy.  I'm trying not to worry, not let fear bring me down.  In the midst of all of this, Jack's alcoholic behavior is driving a bigger wedge in our family than ever before. 
While I don't condone at all the behavior that LT has engaged in, Jack's need to control, and his absolute my way or the highway parenting mentality is really not healthy.  As if I expected healthy?  But what is best for LT?  He's doing fantastic at school so far.  Granted, it's three weeks, but HUGE improvement.  At home, it's horrible.  We started off with some great family time, each week, all involved and seemingly enjoying it.  Last night, Jack thought he needed to go into LTs room and look around.  He found 2 pieces of mail that LT had opened with my name on them.  And proceeded to MELT down.  LT said maybe he should live somewhere else.  My heart broke into some small pieces.  That is NOT okay with me.  I get that he shouldn't have done it.  I agree.  I get that he should be remorseful and he is - but not on the schedule that Jack would like. 
Jack yelled, stormed, left.
When he got home, LT didn't apologize fast enough to suit him.  Apparently there is a clock running and you have only x amount of minutes to apologize or it is invalid.  Again, I have no idea how many minutes = x, and so far, it seems to be variable.
I suck at math, so this doesn't really work for me.  On so many levels.
I remained calm as Jack ignored and disappeared.  I attempted civil discussion.  Yeah, not so much.  He even told me he'd been drinking, so go to bed. I failed to listen.  I maintained my mostly calm and not freaking out.  I'm proud of that.
How do I answer him when he asks what he has done wrong as a parent to LT?  In his eyes, absolutely nothing, but everything he said shows that he has a balance sheet running and he's giving more than everyone else on every level.  Especially financially.  I remained silent, because after 5 beers, I'm not going there.  But was my silence condoning his statements?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to being unconscious for surgery.  That's about all I can handle right now.
God, I know you have a plan.  I trust you.  I believe you can use all things for good for those who are called according to your purposes.  Help me in my doubt.  (throwing all kinds of scripture references at once.)  I know you're still there.  Without you, I'd be a bigger mess.  Please appear real to me today.  Protect LT from himself and all of us from the effects of Jack's drinking.  Just for today.

It was a Merry Christmas - God at work - Part 1

If you would have told me what the last 4 days would hold, I'd have gone into a hole before it happened.  However, I'm not privy to foreseeing the future, so I just lived it as it came. 
Saturday - started out great.  Went to breakfast, finished up some last minute shopping, just Jack and me, prepared some food together with Abby.  Maggie was with her grandma, working on preparing for Christmas at their house on Sunday.  LT was busy hiding in his room so he wouldn't get yelled at.  I had worked hard, so decided to pick up BFF, Louise, and go for mani/pedis.  It is our little treat to ourselves when we feel stressed.  As I'm almost done with that, I get a series of urgent texts from Maggie.  She's been getting them from Abby - saying Jack is freaking out about LT having a new tv in his room. 
(about this time you should know that LT got his TV in early October, purchased with his own money, and I picked it up for him.  At that time and most of the time since then, Jack was "out of parenting" with LT, so I didn't see any reason to involve him in the decision.)  I return Louise to her house (at this point, LT is working), and pray my way back home.  I go in, and as usual, you can cut the tension with a knife.  I ask how Jack and Abby are, what they have been doing, and Jack asks me to come upstairs with him.  That's either really good or really bad, never in the middle.  We get to LT's room and he's got some things out of LT's closet and piled around, including the box for the TV, a game console thingy that went to the computer and he had ordered LT to dipsose of it or store it out of the computer room, and some video games that went to LT's ps something.  In case you can't tell, video games are not my thing.  Jack demands to know what is going on and why LT has this tv, where did the game console thing come from and when did he buy the games.  While yelling at me. 
Um yeah, I don't respond well when yelled at.  Despite all the drama I've been through in the past 5 years, it has been worse in my first marriage and that isn't something I respond well to.  And normally it's not a problem - even with the alcoholic that is Jack.
I said the console thingy was from downstairs, you told him to bring it up.  The games - he's had these.  I haven't taken him anywhere to get them. The tv - well, here's where I screwed up royally, and i'm not even going to try to make it okay.  I lied and said he'd traded his 19" tv with his grandma for this 32" one.  Jack freaked out and told me to have him take it back to grandma, and that he wasn't going to grandma's house on Sunday because he was cleaning LTs room and there'd be nothing left. 
At this point, I am feeling like this is a TV mini-series.  Maybe i'm giving too many details.  However, seeing this in print does kind of make it real and obvious to me that i jumped right back into the crazy with both feet, and yikes, that stinks. 
So LT (at 11 pm when gets home from work) decides that he's taking everything that is his to grandma's house on Sunday and begins to pack it up right then and there.  Of course, this is after Jack has decided (while I was gone to pick up LT) to move into the spare room which shares the wall with LT (at the headboard end, of course).  I am trying to stay sane and wrap gifts downstairs, when Jack comes stomping down the stairs to the living room and says he's sleeping there because it's too loud upstairs.  Can you say passive agressive?

I promise God is working through all this, but I must post before I become a novel writer...to be continued.

We Shall See

Life continues to go on here in the land of Crazytown.  Jack seemed better after I had a little melt down, which is not my finest moment.  I don't know if it's hormones, or nearing menopause or what, but I've really been an emotional roller coaster.  Hopefully some outpatient surgery this week will help in many ways. 
I kind of hate that I broke down in front of him, but really it was just the last straw when I had had it with his crappy attitude.  I am mad at myself for letting him see me that way and for telling him what was wrong.  In the end, I guess it worked out, becuase he was really there for me on Thursday when I had yet another medical issue come to light.  Grace in the small things.
LT continues to work but struggles with one of his classes.  I really don't want him to quit his job, but seriously - hello - college??!!  Anyone interested in attending!?!  Oh well, out of my control.  And really, he's doing better than when he wasn't working.
Miss Maggie just keeps on being her chipper self, except when she has stayed up all night at a sleepover.  Thank goodness she was able to do it and have fun.  And for the first time since she was 15 months old, she took a NAP!!  Woo hoo.  I was beginning to think I had the wrong child!
I finished reading Diane Keaton's memoir.  I highly recommend.  It was really good, and really neat how she talked about her mom. 
Please keep us in your thoughts.  Rough for the kids to think I'm sick.  Should be in and out in a few hours then home.  God has a plan, and I'm going to keep following Him. 

PYHO - Healing

I found a great blog today, Things I Can't Say.  She is hosting a linky carnival called "Pour Your Heart Out" Wednesday.  Even though this is Thursday, I'm going to join in.  This is my first ever link-up, so I sure hope I get all the techie stuff right. 

My life seems to be a series of huge mistakes, then learning to see the best of it.  Seeing God working in the midst of it all.  In this case, I really hope I will get to see the best of it.  You see, as you know from reading, I'm married to an alcoholic.  I hope that I will see the best of the expereinces that sometimes hurt to the point of breaking me.  I hope my children aren't going to be screwed up forever by this experience. 
At times, I know I'm much stronger, more confident, more trusting in God than ever by being married to an alcoholic.  There are other days when I see my son's heart break a little more because he can't seem to ever do anything to please his "dad."  This is the only dad he's ever known, and when he was younger, this seemed like a great thing.  But as he's grown older, Jack seems to not know how to parent him.  My own non-preofessional psycho-babble self thinks this is because Jack lost his mom at 16, and was basically left to parent himself from then on, so his memory of what a parent does for a 16 year old boy doesn't exist.  This doesn't really help much when I see LT's heart break. 
It doesn't help when Maggie would like to have a friend over to spend the night, but dad will never agree because it interrupts his drinking schedule, and Maggie doesn't want anyone to know what she lives with every day.  It doesn't help when Maggie tries to give her daddy a hug good night and he says to get away from him. 
I hope some day we can each look at this time and see how God was working and see how we grew and how much each of us learned from these experiences.  Most of all, I hope we can look back together as a family from a sober perspective and see how all of us were healed.

It's a Full Moon, Mabel

Image found at: Starry Nightsky Events

As per usual, the interesting and odd are going on.  The full moon seems to really influence Jack.  One minute he's crazy quiet, nothing to say; the next, he says we're going away for the weekend.  Alone.  It shocked me, but all I could think to myself was, "well, let's go with this.  It's good.  It may not last, but this can be a good opportunity.  Be glad and grab it."
On the down side, he forgets eating something and yells at the kids for eating it all.  We have converstations and he says the next day - You never told me that.  I'd like to scream sometimes, but I know it won't do any good.

There is a cycle, that's for sure.  Every full moon, it seems.  Lucky for me, there are two this month!

And trusting God works!!

So yesterday was the "court date" for the reduction in child support.  I didn't really think about it all weekend, I didn't feel worried or scared.  Whenever I did start to think of it, I'd say - God, I know you the outcome, so I'm going to leave it with you.  Once Jack & I got to the courthouse, I was a bit nervous.  More worried about actually being in the same room with the ex (after 8 years) than anything else.  We stayed in the courtroom because every time the elevator opened, I jumped out of my skin.  That was a better plan than continuing to be startled for 20 minutes.  When he and two other people came in, I just happened to look up and out of the corner of my eye, recognized him, although he is extremely swollen from the chemo/radiation.  I instantly started shaking, and Jack grabbed my hand.  When it was our turn, I was able to speak for myself (trying this with no lawyer, as it is what it is, no lawyer will make it different).  He has been awarded SSDI, so that is that.  They provided me with a copy of his award letter, and the kids will be eligible for a benefit from that.  So I guess he gets what he wanted, no child support directly. I didn't ask for back support because it is minimal in the grand scheme of things and I just wanted this to be over.  We waited and moved slowly to get out of the court-room as I didn't want to run into him, but his current wife (CW) asked if we could talk and she had sent him down with the other person - I think his caregiver.  The CW said that they'd been trying to reach me to set up trusts for the children, because he was given 2 years to live in April 2011.  They were using the wrong name at the post office box, so it was being returned.  She also said that ex's parents came into the hospital room in April 2011 right before brain surgery and had ex sign papers saying all his estate would be split between his two brothers instead of going to his wife and children.  All I can say is leopards don't change their spots.  I really got the feeling that CW is being genuine.  She said that she and ex were separated for 2 years prior to him being diagnosed w/cancer.  She came back to take care of him because there was no one else.  I say she's a better woman than I am. 
I ended up taking the whole day off from work so I could go to the Soc. Sec. office.  After a very long time there and a very kind worker (a little shocking, but I'm not going to lie - she was fantastic), she told me the kids would each be getting a monthly stipend from SS, and it totals more than child support was.
God knew this all along.  I'm glad I trusted His plan.  I would have totally screwed it up!
It's a new day, new mercies, and the sun is shining.  Thank you God for your serenity and the prayers to remember it.  And really - Jack was amazing.  That is the man I married.  It was my privilege and honor to have him next to me.

Just for Today

So yesterday was not one of my favorites, then turned into something better.  As I was walking to work today, I thought - thank you God for new mercies every morning, and that I can start today without the burden of yesterday. 
So let's just get this out of my head - My ex-husband molested my (our -but I don't give him that privilege any longer) daughter at 4 years old.  Thank GOD she was able to tell me in a way that both showed me truth, and that I could act upon at that moment.  He was arrested, given 20 weekends (note 40 DAYS) in jail so he could keep his union job - wasn't that judge so kind. He was abusive to me and to our son.  Since our separation/divorce he has been getting child support taken out of his check every week.  Usually pretty regularly unless there was a shutdown or something.  He does not see them, do to court order, and he has not asked to change it.  again, thank GOD.  Yesterday, I was notified that he has asked to lower child support.  Since there has been NO contact with him for over 8 years, this was a shock to me.  When I called the court to get details, they said he wrote on his own (pro-se) that he has brain cancer and isn't able to work. 
Last summer, his mother wrote to me telling me that he had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good.  He even sent the kids each a letter, which I have read - they have not.  In it, he said he always thought of the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, but didn't send them presents because he didn't know if "their mother" would let them see the presents.  Honestly, I didn't keep that letter from them because he is angry with me - i kept it from them so they don't have to see what an *ss(#)@ their father is and be hurt again by him thinking of them "on their birthdays and Christmas."  No mention at all of being sorry for what had happened, for breaking up our family, for hurting them. 
At first, I wasn't even sure I believed he had cancer, because it is something they would do to try to gain sympathy.  Now he has testified to court that he has it, but even still...part of me says good - what you deserve, and the other part of me, the one who is supposed to love others like Christ loves feels bad.  I wish I didn't feel the "good" part, but I do.   Really though - It just makes me sad.  And scared.  The thought of seeing him again scares me. 
I wasn't able to work yesterday, and went home to discuss with my husband - thankfully - for that day, Jack was what I needed him to be.  And he had a great idea - I can agree to lowering support, and avoid a hearing.  I NEVER even considered that.  You'd think I'd remember something from law school, working for a court and working for an attorney.  Apparently when my emotions are involved, my brain doesn't engage! 
Just for today, I'm thankful for the kindness Jack showed me.  I'm thankful that even when days are hard, there is the part of him who loves me and the kids, and protects us.  Sometimes even from myself. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can, AND the wisdom to know the difference!
One day at a time.

He said, she said, he doesn't remember...

I don't know what to say, so I'll just let my mind go. Today it came to Jack's attention that he is having blackouts. I suspected it, but today in a conversation, he stated that he didn't remember anything that happened last night, not the words he said, not the actions he did, not the hurtful things that happened. None of it. And I believe it. I asked some other questions about other instances that have been happening since the whole latest cycle of drama have occured, and he didn't remember any of them happening. He then said he told me a few weeks ago that a good event that had happened, that we had talked about, that he didn't remember that either. When he said at the time he didn't remember it, it was like he was teasing me. Like he was playing. And he let me believe that then.
I guess this is a good sign, that I'm truly not crazy. That sometimes when it feels like we are living in two different lives, yet in the same house, family, area...that we are. I have the life where I can see and hear what goes on, and he doesn't. No wonder on top of the alcoholism, that he thinks differently about nearly every encounter our family has together than I do. I know what's going on. Sadly, this is only going to get worse until he realizes what is causing this problem. He's still blaming it on some medication, and that could have some effect. However, I think a lifetime of daily drinking 8-10 beers is probably the true cause.
We shall see what God has planned. I trust Him because He never leaves me nor forgets me. Thank goodness He is in control, cause I'm not capable of fixing this for sure!

It's been a long time

It is HOT here. So hot. Even on vacation it was HOT. Today was the first day back to work, and apparently, we're going through a bit of a rough patch. However, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and that is to trust God in all things. I can't control what Jack gets ticked off about, and I really don't think that most of the time it's even worthy of spending time being ticked about. I guess that's where our opinions are different...lol. God has been beside me all the time, and I'm not going to stop trusting him now. Please be thinking about both Jack and I. We're both suffering some tummy troubles, not the same ones, but it is hard on the body and the mind when this happens. He even called the dr. today. That's how I know it is serious for him. I'm going to keep trusting. Keep believing what is true, and I'm going to check the moon phase because about 3/4 of the time, that is usually a good predictor of the behavior that will follow. Hope you are enjoying the summer and staying cool.