What an Adventure

Road trip 101.  First things first.  LT & I are on a road trip to visit the college of his choice that is about 600 miles from home.  It has been quite the adventure so far.  The first thing I learned – always bring an atlas.  Google maps and apple maps may be readily available on your phone, but they are not always the best indicators of the actual route you should take.  When in the world did we start listening to a machine to tell us where to go??!?  I’m firmly convinced that those things are updated by Scooter and Moron in the back room of an un-named tech company where they have been spending their days on drinking or smoking pot!  I kid.  I’m sure those products work fantastically.  However, I’m also certain that the people who wrote the code for them have never been inside the state of Missouri.  They can’t possibly know what they are doing.  We were driving around rural Missouri for 2 hours before I said enough – get back to a main highway!   Then, miraculously we found the western edge of Missouri and were on our way…I was so frustrated.  At least we were listening to Jim Gaffigan who had me laughing so hard I was crying.  Finally a good reason to cry. 

I’ve been having a rough time.  I’m not sure if it is all the change with LT, tiring of the drama with Jack’s drinking/alcoholism, my own hormones or what.  I cry all of the time. Over nothing.  Over everything.  I’m trying some changes to my antidepressants, so hopefully that will help SOON.

I’m currently trying to relax while LT is off at the U bonding with his fellow freshmen.  I hope it will work – for both of our sakes.  I do think he is in the write place.  After the orientation yesterday, I feel confident that he can thrive here.  Succeed.  Not just make it.  As long as he takes advantage of every opportunity for help that they offer, he will flourish.  That is my prayer for him. 

There are DAYS...

Today, I want to be part of Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say. 
There are days when I just don't think I can go on one more day. Today I faced the fact that LT missed the bus AGAIN - with 2 days left of school.  This could mean in-school suspension and missing a final.  How could I allow this to happen - I feel like such a failure.  But you know what, my consequences haven't had an impact on getting that 17 y-o boy out of bed.  Maybe some more drastic school consequences will make a difference.  Maybe not.  That's the thing about boys - sometimes your bottom of the barrel isn't theirs. 

And really, in the grand scheme of things, he's a good kid, almost a senior, holds a job and is very kind to others (except his sisters, on occasion), and wants to participate in mission trips and volunteers at church. And I know God has prepared him for exactly the right path.  He just likes to sleep in!

There are days I don't think I can take one more day of Jack's drinking.  I get so tired of working my program, remembering that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.  It gets so old hearing his comments about how much this woman or that woman wants him.  I have learned to not let it sit in my head and beat me down, to realize he's insecure and it's not about me, but I just get so tired.  I get so tired of having to be the one who realizes that I need to make changes.  But then I realize how much Al-Anon and other friends have helped me to be the person I am today.  I'm not so afraid any more.  Fear doesn't rule my every thought. I'm strong, I'm a child of God, and I'm loved.  I have good kids, a great dog, and amazing friends (see Louise!!).  Then Jack will hold me and say how thankful he is that I put up with him.  How glad he is that I'm his wife, and I know - absolutely KNOW that God is here in the midst of this chaos and He's working in it.  And that's enough for me.

There are days I can't bear the thought of Abby moving back home after college.  Her lack of desire to be on her own, being responsible and being with a boy that she has said pushed her.  If that is what she told us about, then it was worse and she's now thinking of living with him.  But it's not my battle to fight.  I can say all the truth in the world, but she's 21 and she has to make her own mistakes, I guess.  Then she will tell me that she wants me to go shopping with her, not her mom, because I always make her feel pretty when we're done.  And I cry for the part of her that hears discouragement from her mom.  And I know God is here.

There are days when I can't stand that Maggie is a chatterbox and wants to be in my personal space and always hug me or hang on me or hold my hand.  She is dramatic and has attitude and sasses me and wants my help but doesn't want to take it.  She tells me to stop watching her when she's playing soccer and makes a mistake.  Like it's my fault.  But then I remember that she's 15 and it's her job to be dramatic, and sassy.  I remember that there will come a day when she will be too busy with a boy to hug me, and her life will be filled with college and friends and sports and work, and I'll be without her smile and quick with.  And I know God is going to do big things with this girl.

There are days when I miss my grandma so much that it hurts.  Even after 5 years.  It feels like yesterday.

There are days when I want to hide under the covers and not come out.  To be left alone and not have to deal with all this mess.  But then I realize how fortunate I am.  I have a home that wasn't flattened in a tornado, I have a husband who holds a job and loves us all in the best way he can, and sometimes we get to see it.  I have children who are safe and healthy and smart and loving.  My parents and sister are healthy and safe and we all love each other.  We know how to laugh.

There are days when I thank God for all that I have and more importantly all the love in my life.  Those are the best days of all.

Are We There Yet?

I've been out of town for a week, in a western desert state where the sun was out EVERY day.  It was wonderful.  I was with Jack, and even that was a great experience.  I was intending to come today and write about that, and how thankful I am for that time.
I am thankful for that time.  I am thankful for every day, every minute of that time.  I'm thankful for every day when LT & Maggie's grandparents were with them and made them feel loved and cared for.
Unfortunately, last night, reality struck. My only question is, are we there yet??????  Have we reached rock bottom?  Nope.  Jack has not reached rock bottom.  I, however, am starting to feel the rocks on the bottom as they tear at my hands that I'm using to hold myself up.
Tomorrow is d-day for me, or s-day.  I'm having some surgery, that while it isn't expected to be serious, it is making me uneasy.  I'm trying not to worry, not let fear bring me down.  In the midst of all of this, Jack's alcoholic behavior is driving a bigger wedge in our family than ever before. 
While I don't condone at all the behavior that LT has engaged in, Jack's need to control, and his absolute my way or the highway parenting mentality is really not healthy.  As if I expected healthy?  But what is best for LT?  He's doing fantastic at school so far.  Granted, it's three weeks, but HUGE improvement.  At home, it's horrible.  We started off with some great family time, each week, all involved and seemingly enjoying it.  Last night, Jack thought he needed to go into LTs room and look around.  He found 2 pieces of mail that LT had opened with my name on them.  And proceeded to MELT down.  LT said maybe he should live somewhere else.  My heart broke into some small pieces.  That is NOT okay with me.  I get that he shouldn't have done it.  I agree.  I get that he should be remorseful and he is - but not on the schedule that Jack would like. 
Jack yelled, stormed, left.
When he got home, LT didn't apologize fast enough to suit him.  Apparently there is a clock running and you have only x amount of minutes to apologize or it is invalid.  Again, I have no idea how many minutes = x, and so far, it seems to be variable.
I suck at math, so this doesn't really work for me.  On so many levels.
I remained calm as Jack ignored and disappeared.  I attempted civil discussion.  Yeah, not so much.  He even told me he'd been drinking, so go to bed. I failed to listen.  I maintained my mostly calm and not freaking out.  I'm proud of that.
How do I answer him when he asks what he has done wrong as a parent to LT?  In his eyes, absolutely nothing, but everything he said shows that he has a balance sheet running and he's giving more than everyone else on every level.  Especially financially.  I remained silent, because after 5 beers, I'm not going there.  But was my silence condoning his statements?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to being unconscious for surgery.  That's about all I can handle right now.
God, I know you have a plan.  I trust you.  I believe you can use all things for good for those who are called according to your purposes.  Help me in my doubt.  (throwing all kinds of scripture references at once.)  I know you're still there.  Without you, I'd be a bigger mess.  Please appear real to me today.  Protect LT from himself and all of us from the effects of Jack's drinking.  Just for today.

We Shall See

Life continues to go on here in the land of Crazytown.  Jack seemed better after I had a little melt down, which is not my finest moment.  I don't know if it's hormones, or nearing menopause or what, but I've really been an emotional roller coaster.  Hopefully some outpatient surgery this week will help in many ways. 
I kind of hate that I broke down in front of him, but really it was just the last straw when I had had it with his crappy attitude.  I am mad at myself for letting him see me that way and for telling him what was wrong.  In the end, I guess it worked out, becuase he was really there for me on Thursday when I had yet another medical issue come to light.  Grace in the small things.
LT continues to work but struggles with one of his classes.  I really don't want him to quit his job, but seriously - hello - college??!!  Anyone interested in attending!?!  Oh well, out of my control.  And really, he's doing better than when he wasn't working.
Miss Maggie just keeps on being her chipper self, except when she has stayed up all night at a sleepover.  Thank goodness she was able to do it and have fun.  And for the first time since she was 15 months old, she took a NAP!!  Woo hoo.  I was beginning to think I had the wrong child!
I finished reading Diane Keaton's memoir.  I highly recommend.  It was really good, and really neat how she talked about her mom. 
Please keep us in your thoughts.  Rough for the kids to think I'm sick.  Should be in and out in a few hours then home.  God has a plan, and I'm going to keep following Him. 

"Come to me all who are Weary"

I loved the freedom of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, so I'm doing it again.

As most, if not all moms are, I'm tired.  The last few weeks have brought some issues up and drained my energy mentally, physically and emotionally.  I find myself asking, "when will this end?"!  But then, in the usual way, God sends me a little nugget of truth.  A parcel of wisdom.  So let's take the good view of the world and focus on that. 

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.""  Matthew 11:28 NLT.

I love this verse, because all of us moms carry heavy burdens.  Some struggle with a child with special needs, some struggle with a child with substance abuse, some of us struggle with teenager who won't do their homework or clean their rooms, some struggle with the baby or toddler who won't take a nap.  Some of us struggle with children who has cancer and may not live to see the next birthday.  We are carrying heavy burdens.  But thank goodness, Jesus reminds us that He will help us to rest.  I'm so thankful that I have this reminder.  When I give up carrying my burdens and turn them over to Him, I'm relieved of that load on my own.  It's so freeing. 

Some days it is just too much.  Trying to keep myself together, keep the family together.  Not knowing what we will come home to, how much Jack will drink, how he will act.  All the unknowns and the busy-ness of this world.  I'm so thankful to be able again and again to turn my burdens and my worries over to Jesus.  He will help me.  All I have to do is ASK.  Now there is the hard part!

Here is to a week of turning to Jesus and seeking rest.

Guilt go away, you are just my disease talking!

So in a couple of days, Jack is leaving for a business trip.  I'm feeling guilty because, even though things, including my new habits, are going well, I am really ready for him to be gone for a few days.  As it says in my "Getting Them Sober" books, that is just my disease (family part of the disease of alcoholism) talking.  So, I reject that guilt.  I'm going to be happy that today is Friday, and ready to face the evening, one day at a time.  It's almost like some days I'm waiting to exhale, and that is such a relief to do so.
On a random note, I got new windshield wipers today, and it is awesome.  Clean crisp windshield...love it!  I think I'm going to buy some half-price yarn this weekend too.  That will make a fun new project starting possible.  I think I'll actually knit something for myself - after I get LT's hat done...he's patiently waiting!

I am Weary

I am weary. I started this blog to write about my feelings. To get things out instead of stuffing them. I've been less than regular with my postings. I may be on a new all time high by posting 2 x in the same week. Today I am weary. I am tired of facing alcoholism and all of its inherent crap. I'm tired of taking care of things that I should be able to share with Jack. I'm tired of being thoughtful when I really want to scream. But really - who would I scream at? What would I scream for? Who would hear me? I feel like the answer is no one. No one who could do anything about the problems will hear me. I am trying to work on myself, to accept him where he is right now, and to just focus on what I contribute to the problems. But I'm tired. When you hear about the analogy of your heart being like a bucket, and some people drain your bucket and some people fill it up, I feel like my bucket is EMPTY. I love my children, they are wonderful, the delight of my life, but I am EMPTY. Please higher power, please fill me up.