Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Are We There Yet?

I've been out of town for a week, in a western desert state where the sun was out EVERY day.  It was wonderful.  I was with Jack, and even that was a great experience.  I was intending to come today and write about that, and how thankful I am for that time.
I am thankful for that time.  I am thankful for every day, every minute of that time.  I'm thankful for every day when LT & Maggie's grandparents were with them and made them feel loved and cared for.
Unfortunately, last night, reality struck. My only question is, are we there yet??????  Have we reached rock bottom?  Nope.  Jack has not reached rock bottom.  I, however, am starting to feel the rocks on the bottom as they tear at my hands that I'm using to hold myself up.
Tomorrow is d-day for me, or s-day.  I'm having some surgery, that while it isn't expected to be serious, it is making me uneasy.  I'm trying not to worry, not let fear bring me down.  In the midst of all of this, Jack's alcoholic behavior is driving a bigger wedge in our family than ever before. 
While I don't condone at all the behavior that LT has engaged in, Jack's need to control, and his absolute my way or the highway parenting mentality is really not healthy.  As if I expected healthy?  But what is best for LT?  He's doing fantastic at school so far.  Granted, it's three weeks, but HUGE improvement.  At home, it's horrible.  We started off with some great family time, each week, all involved and seemingly enjoying it.  Last night, Jack thought he needed to go into LTs room and look around.  He found 2 pieces of mail that LT had opened with my name on them.  And proceeded to MELT down.  LT said maybe he should live somewhere else.  My heart broke into some small pieces.  That is NOT okay with me.  I get that he shouldn't have done it.  I agree.  I get that he should be remorseful and he is - but not on the schedule that Jack would like. 
Jack yelled, stormed, left.
When he got home, LT didn't apologize fast enough to suit him.  Apparently there is a clock running and you have only x amount of minutes to apologize or it is invalid.  Again, I have no idea how many minutes = x, and so far, it seems to be variable.
I suck at math, so this doesn't really work for me.  On so many levels.
I remained calm as Jack ignored and disappeared.  I attempted civil discussion.  Yeah, not so much.  He even told me he'd been drinking, so go to bed. I failed to listen.  I maintained my mostly calm and not freaking out.  I'm proud of that.
How do I answer him when he asks what he has done wrong as a parent to LT?  In his eyes, absolutely nothing, but everything he said shows that he has a balance sheet running and he's giving more than everyone else on every level.  Especially financially.  I remained silent, because after 5 beers, I'm not going there.  But was my silence condoning his statements?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to being unconscious for surgery.  That's about all I can handle right now.
God, I know you have a plan.  I trust you.  I believe you can use all things for good for those who are called according to your purposes.  Help me in my doubt.  (throwing all kinds of scripture references at once.)  I know you're still there.  Without you, I'd be a bigger mess.  Please appear real to me today.  Protect LT from himself and all of us from the effects of Jack's drinking.  Just for today.


  1. I'll be thinking about you and hoping your surgery goes as planned.

    I don't know how you manage to deal with your alcoholic, I think I'd want to walk away. I'm not that strong.

  2. Praying that your surgery goes well. Just went through that before Christmas. Scary. Feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and praying that nothing happens. It's a bit overwhelming.
    Add to that parenting your husband. I also find myself remaining quiet with my ex. There is really no sense in arguing. You will never convince him that his reality is distorted. I find myself quiet because it isn't worth the effort. I do know that my ex takes that as my agreement. He sends me emails "confirming" our conversations, though really they are just him talking and me listening.
    We both know that if you disagree, the conversation will NEVER END. The anger will escalate. They will turn on us. Bring quiet is safety. I know my truth and I will live in it. Regardless of what he thinks or says or thinks I agree with. My thoughts are mine. They can affect only me.
    I wonder if this line of thinking is healthy or unhealthy. It certainly seems healthier than the days that I begged and pleaded for him to SEE things as they are. Can't you SEE how your drinking and your words and actions affect this family?
    No, they can't. My ex firmly defends that he is an excellent father. Everything that is wrong is my fault or the children's fault. No words will change that.
    Only rock bottom.
    Good luck today! Thinking of you!

  3. I can only assume by now that you are home and recovering.

    I don't know you do it! I had to get out after many years. What is really weird or sad or something--he found someone else who WOULD NOT PUT UP WITH HIS DRINKING so he quit. Ticks me off, but..........