All Quiet on the Western Front

Laughing in the face of crazy, I am happy to report all is quiet today.  Of course, that could change at any moment.  Kids are preparing for a big play this weekend, Abby appears to be settling into a routine as an adult - still makes me crazy worrying about how she eats/takes care of herself...but that is their specialty, right?
Jack and I are doing fairly well.  I have had a couple of opportunities to practice what I read about in my al-anon books, and those went well.  I was really worried about even sharing this fact, as I could be bringing doom, despair and agony on me (to quote the HeeHaw song).  It is so pleasant, that I did want to share that there are days when life is good.  Things aren't in turmoil, and just being is great.  I think it's one of the reasons I always notice the sky - if you just notice, there are good things every day. 
Loving yoga and feeling so much better each week after it is over.  There may be something to this taking care of yourself business.
Hope you take care of you today.
Namaste!

Picture found at: http://www.flowerpicturegallery.com/d/5656-1/rich+pink+lotus.jpg

PYHO - Focusing on What Matters

Over at Things I Can't Say, she is hosting this week's Pour Your Heart Out.  As usual in my life, I'm a day late.  But I love her prompts.  They force me to see what is important in life.  So, I begin my own PYHO today.  Focusing on What Matters
I used to LOVE Christmas.  I mean love everything about it.  As the oldest grandchild, I always helped my grandma.  She had a big family, and as they all multiplied, we would usually have about 50 people - aunts, uncles, cousins for the holiday celebrations.  I would help her get out her decorations, put them up, clean up afterwards.  We'd have baking days when we'd make cookies, days to make cheeseball.  My sister and I always wrapped every gift she purchased for that big family.  We laughed, we had fun. I was always excited to get out the church that played Silent Night - it was made of some weird cardboard concoction that had some spongy snow on it.  It was probably asbestos, but so far we've mostly survived!  My cousin recently posted a photo from her childhood in front of the tree, presents stacked all around.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Five years after my grandma's death, I still miss her every day. 
After the first stop on the insanity train (marriage number 1 - I'm still not ready to discuss that openly), the holidays became dreaded to me.  If not for my kids who were just babies, then toddlers, I would have been happy to not even celebrate Christmas.  But I went through the motions. 
Now that Jack and I are married, it's still not my favorite time of year.  So far, every Christmas, he has had a bout of depression/period of the down side of undiagnosed bi-polar, something that has taken the fun out of Christmas.  I can never do or say the right thing.  I don't put the tree in the right place, and on and on.  I can't remember any Christmas that wasn't covered in a gray cloud.
This year, though, I've resolved to focus on what matters.  It's not about the fact that we don't have one single decoration out or up yet, not about the fact that we are again in that "winter doldrums" with his behavior.  It is about helping others and being God's hands and feet on this earth.  For the first time, I've actually volunteered to help during the community Christmas.  I've done things behind the scenes, but never interacted.  I'm going to do so.  I've been helping in some other ways that help me to remember why we have Christmas in the first place.  And when I do those things, I think of my grandma then.  It's not about the decorations or the color of lights on the tree, it's about people and relationships.  Even if Jack doesn't want to stop drinking and participate in life, I do.  So I'm going to focus on that and go on - Wife Goes On...with or without him.


I hope you'll stop over on the blog and read others' posts.  It is very heartwarming.

Progressive Disease, Progressive Healing

I started this post several days ago, with only the title.  It seems that is the theme right now.  Jack's alcoholism is progressing.  He is continuing to spend most evenings after supper lying down - sometimes sleeping.  This is virtually unheard of in the 7 1/2 years I've known him.  Usually he can't lie still for more than 10 minutes at time without medication, especially to sleep.  At the same time, he's been drinking more steadily, and then the last 2 days, nothing.  It's like he's in this battle with himself.  Very crazy.  And as usual, he's silent and distant when he's having this battle.
More importantly to me, is the fact that I've been seeing this happen, and not taken any of the guilt I would typically pick up about why he is acting so distant.  I KNOW it isn't about me.  I hate that this is how it is.  I would like to be able to talk to him about what is going on.  I'd like him to go to a doctor and tell them what is going on - the truth - and seek help.  But, that isn't my decision. I also feel such a sense of freedom at the same time feeling so sad that he feels he must live this internal battle alone.  I love the person who is underneath this disease, the real one...it doesn't have to be this way.  At least I know that I don't have to be in that state of depression along with him anymore.  That is tremendously freeing.  I'm pretty sure if you've never lived with an alcoholic you probably think I'm and uncaring *itch.  Unfortunately, when you live with an alcoholic, most rules that apply to "normal" relationships don't apply here.  I'm glad you don't know what it's like.  You are blessed.
I will keep going one step at a time, one day at a time, and letting God have control.  His plan is better than mine, and I have faith in Him, and his timing.

Progress - Any progress is good progress

The full moon may be 8 days away, but I swear there are cycles that both the moon and Jack have in common.  Thankfully, I have recognized it before, and last night it hit me that I'm making progress in other ways too.  I could see that he'd been having a bad work day - really, and with just cause.  But for one of the first few times, I didn't immediately jump to the conclusion that I had done something to make him be in a bad mood.  He just was.  And frankly, when he came home, I was having my own hissy fit over the failed recipe I'd made for dinner (the second time this happened w/the same dish).  But even that - I realized my part of being crabby and apologized for what was mine - and nothing more.  I feel like that is a huge step for me - a FORWARD step.

I'm so thankful for Al-anon, for the blogs that are out there, the books that are available, and my higher power.  God is good, and I'm so glad He gives me another chance. 

Still no news from the court date - papers weren't delivered yesterday.  I just want it over.  I'd prefer it be over in a way that doesn't require ANY court intervention, but we don't always get to choose that.

LT is having problems getting his homework turned in AGAIN.  I really believed he had gotten the message - but alas, no.  The list of grades is either 100% or 0.  Resulting in a D.  I'm so pissed off, but it is all out of my control.  I can make life electronic free, but I can't make him turn his shit in.  GRRRRRR.  All other grades are A's, but you know the Ds are in the important classes, not health and choir.  I'm trying to keep perspective, but I DON'T understand it.  I'm certainly not a boy and I REALLY don't understand him.  Oh well, God has this in control too.

Just another day....

Keep Coming Back, It works if you Work It

I have to say that I am shocked. At first I thought it was suprise. But really, it is shocked. I am shocked because over the last few weeks of Jack's "episode" of not involving in the family, crass comments, usual stuff has resulted in a different response from me. I let him be in that place. I didn't try to stop it, I didn't try to fix it, I didn't try to control it. I continued to act the way I would any other day. And it was WONDERFUL! I truly learned what it meant to detach. I've struggled so hard with that word, that verb, that process, everything about detachment has seemed impossible to me. However, It really Worked!!! Just like they say in Al-Anon - Keep Coming Back, It Works if you Work It and we Work It because We're WORTH It!
It even seemed to have a good effect on the kids. What a blessing to finally see progress in ME! And the situation resolved itself like always, only I didn't have all those bad feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt. What a relief!
I only wish everyone who lives with an alcoholic could see that light of hope - even for a moment.

You might be an Alcoholic if...

A list - one of my first, but I think it's time.
You might be for an alcoholic if...
1. You take out the trash after you've been drinking, because you don't want your daughter to see how much you drank and call you out on it.
2. You think just a couple of beers = 9 16-oz cans or 15 12-oz cans in 2.1 hours.
3. You see everything your wife does as a judgment on your behavior - even when she cooks, after you say yet again that she never cooks, and you eat less than 3 meals a week out - including lunch.
4. you are in denial about everything in your life.
5. your life is not "exciting" - You are not content with anything in your life but make no move to change it.
6. you hate yourself and treat everyone in your family as if you hate them to make yourself feel better.
And now, how I can see things after going to Al-Anon, and to continue to read about alcoholism.
You might be recovering from Alcoholism in your spouse or family member if...
1. You are able to see that he is suffering from a disease.
2. You are able to stop bringing him drinks - as you are able - and let him induldge in his disease on his own.
3. You are able to go upstairs or in another room or outside the house if you need to be away from the way he is talking or drinking, or making you uncomfortable. Even just for today or just for the hour.
4. You are able to detach with love - let him feel the consequences of his behavior. If he chooses to be alone - let him be there.
5. You are able to say just for today, I will have peace in my home.
6. You no longer hate your husband, but you do hate what the alcohol turns him into.
7. I am able to see love and affirmation from other people and places. He's not so powerful
8. I am able to put him in the back of my mind...for now. After all, that's probably where we are, because his disease is the focus of his every thought and decision.