I started this post several days ago, with only the title. It seems that is the theme right now. Jack's alcoholism is progressing. He is continuing to spend most evenings after supper lying down - sometimes sleeping. This is virtually unheard of in the 7 1/2 years I've known him. Usually he can't lie still for more than 10 minutes at time without medication, especially to sleep. At the same time, he's been drinking more steadily, and then the last 2 days, nothing. It's like he's in this battle with himself. Very crazy. And as usual, he's silent and distant when he's having this battle.
More importantly to me, is the fact that I've been seeing this happen, and not taken any of the guilt I would typically pick up about why he is acting so distant. I KNOW it isn't about me. I hate that this is how it is. I would like to be able to talk to him about what is going on. I'd like him to go to a doctor and tell them what is going on - the truth - and seek help. But, that isn't my decision. I also feel such a sense of freedom at the same time feeling so sad that he feels he must live this internal battle alone. I love the person who is underneath this disease, the real one...it doesn't have to be this way. At least I know that I don't have to be in that state of depression along with him anymore. That is tremendously freeing. I'm pretty sure if you've never lived with an alcoholic you probably think I'm and uncaring *itch. Unfortunately, when you live with an alcoholic, most rules that apply to "normal" relationships don't apply here. I'm glad you don't know what it's like. You are blessed.
I will keep going one step at a time, one day at a time, and letting God have control. His plan is better than mine, and I have faith in Him, and his timing.
My addiction is nicotine and when I am on a quit pattern--I get very quiet and want to sleep a lot too. It takes up the hours so we don't have to think about our withdrawal symptoms. I HAVE lived with an alcoholic and I know what you are talking about--however, I never got past the guilt feeling--I am glad you realize that NONE OF IT has anything to do with you!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are such an encouragement. Thank you!
DeleteMy therapist once told me that in my world with my alcoholic husband, the abnormal had become my normal. I definitely plan to use it as a Blog topic soon. It's amazing the things that we overlook. Everything is measured and compared. (Well, at least he made it home by midnight. I can't be that mad.)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are avoiding the guilt that goes along with it. I constantly took responsibility for it all. I needed to clean the house more or decorate more. I needed to do everything possible to make his life pleasant to avoid the drinking. My life was spent calculating and manipulating and anticipating.
Guess I should save all of this for the blog! lol