It's the year of Al-Anon

Happy Birthday to me!  I've declared this to be the Year of Al-Anon in my life.  I'm going to be gentle with myself as I seek to NOT get sucked back in to the insanity that is Jack's alcoholism.  He decided to baptize me into the attempt on my birthday, acting like a complete ass, but I don't care.  We had a great lunch with my parents, our kids and the weather was lovely.  Our children need a parent who is sane and present, and to do that, I'm going to have to start acting like I'm getting better, using my al-anon tools and the support they provide.  Whether I feel like it or not!  It's been more trying with more health tests, but in the end, I think stress is eating away at my body.  I'm not willing to give in, nor be defeated by alcoholism.  I know this is going to be difficult.  But life is already difficult.  I will be okay, just for today.  Tears are a part of it, pain is a part of it, but so is joy.  And today, I'm choosing joy.  If you are the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers for the kiddos and for me.  Even for Jack to see the truth. 

More of Me

I have been confronted with a stunning realiztion - my kids need more of me.
How can this be?  I live for these children.  I've finally learned to not be all up in the alcoholic crazy every day, but after reading this post: ...Maybe They Need More of You, I realize that I've been removing myself from fully listening and being present with my kids.  As teenagers, they need me now more than ever. I'm sitting here kicking myself for LT's grades in the first 9 weeks.  I was watching them every day, and he seemed to be doing well, so I let it go, and thought he had it all under control.  Well, now after the first grading period, he's NOT doing well at all.  College ?  Hello- is this important to anyone but me?  Maybe I dropped the ball, maybe I shouldn't have trusted him to continue on a path even with my encouragement, etc.  Whatever the case is, I don't feel like I've given enough of myself to either him or to Maggie. 
God gets through to me in lots of ways.  I think that post is one way, and I needed to hear it.  Jack is so far out of my sphere of influence, that it is safe for me to stay detached with love.  My children, however, need me.  They need my presence and attention fully when we are together.  While they need to continue to do chores, do their homework, have their jobs, etc., they need me too.  Now that I know I can take care of me, it's time to take care of what is my part of taking care of them.  Now that I better know who I am, maybe they can benefit from knowing me.
I just hope it's not too late.

We Shall See

Life continues to go on here in the land of Crazytown.  Jack seemed better after I had a little melt down, which is not my finest moment.  I don't know if it's hormones, or nearing menopause or what, but I've really been an emotional roller coaster.  Hopefully some outpatient surgery this week will help in many ways. 
I kind of hate that I broke down in front of him, but really it was just the last straw when I had had it with his crappy attitude.  I am mad at myself for letting him see me that way and for telling him what was wrong.  In the end, I guess it worked out, becuase he was really there for me on Thursday when I had yet another medical issue come to light.  Grace in the small things.
LT continues to work but struggles with one of his classes.  I really don't want him to quit his job, but seriously - hello - college??!!  Anyone interested in attending!?!  Oh well, out of my control.  And really, he's doing better than when he wasn't working.
Miss Maggie just keeps on being her chipper self, except when she has stayed up all night at a sleepover.  Thank goodness she was able to do it and have fun.  And for the first time since she was 15 months old, she took a NAP!!  Woo hoo.  I was beginning to think I had the wrong child!
I finished reading Diane Keaton's memoir.  I highly recommend.  It was really good, and really neat how she talked about her mom. 
Please keep us in your thoughts.  Rough for the kids to think I'm sick.  Should be in and out in a few hours then home.  God has a plan, and I'm going to keep following Him. 

This hit me hard

I just read this post - A Record of Recovery | al-anon journal.  I am just so moved, I want to share it on here.  The author has written a poem, before she found al-anon, that is in words, what my heart has felt.  It has been an especially big pity-party for my husband this week, and I am trying so hard to work my program and leave his disease with him.  It's hard, but I am doing so much better.  My joy in life is not dependent on his mood.  Thank you HP, for staying by me every day, every minute, every second.

"Come to me all who are Weary"

I loved the freedom of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, so I'm doing it again.

As most, if not all moms are, I'm tired.  The last few weeks have brought some issues up and drained my energy mentally, physically and emotionally.  I find myself asking, "when will this end?"!  But then, in the usual way, God sends me a little nugget of truth.  A parcel of wisdom.  So let's take the good view of the world and focus on that. 

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.""  Matthew 11:28 NLT.

I love this verse, because all of us moms carry heavy burdens.  Some struggle with a child with special needs, some struggle with a child with substance abuse, some of us struggle with teenager who won't do their homework or clean their rooms, some struggle with the baby or toddler who won't take a nap.  Some of us struggle with children who has cancer and may not live to see the next birthday.  We are carrying heavy burdens.  But thank goodness, Jesus reminds us that He will help us to rest.  I'm so thankful that I have this reminder.  When I give up carrying my burdens and turn them over to Him, I'm relieved of that load on my own.  It's so freeing. 

Some days it is just too much.  Trying to keep myself together, keep the family together.  Not knowing what we will come home to, how much Jack will drink, how he will act.  All the unknowns and the busy-ness of this world.  I'm so thankful to be able again and again to turn my burdens and my worries over to Jesus.  He will help me.  All I have to do is ASK.  Now there is the hard part!

Here is to a week of turning to Jesus and seeking rest.

PYHO - Healing

I found a great blog today, Things I Can't Say.  She is hosting a linky carnival called "Pour Your Heart Out" Wednesday.  Even though this is Thursday, I'm going to join in.  This is my first ever link-up, so I sure hope I get all the techie stuff right. 

My life seems to be a series of huge mistakes, then learning to see the best of it.  Seeing God working in the midst of it all.  In this case, I really hope I will get to see the best of it.  You see, as you know from reading, I'm married to an alcoholic.  I hope that I will see the best of the expereinces that sometimes hurt to the point of breaking me.  I hope my children aren't going to be screwed up forever by this experience. 
At times, I know I'm much stronger, more confident, more trusting in God than ever by being married to an alcoholic.  There are other days when I see my son's heart break a little more because he can't seem to ever do anything to please his "dad."  This is the only dad he's ever known, and when he was younger, this seemed like a great thing.  But as he's grown older, Jack seems to not know how to parent him.  My own non-preofessional psycho-babble self thinks this is because Jack lost his mom at 16, and was basically left to parent himself from then on, so his memory of what a parent does for a 16 year old boy doesn't exist.  This doesn't really help much when I see LT's heart break. 
It doesn't help when Maggie would like to have a friend over to spend the night, but dad will never agree because it interrupts his drinking schedule, and Maggie doesn't want anyone to know what she lives with every day.  It doesn't help when Maggie tries to give her daddy a hug good night and he says to get away from him. 
I hope some day we can each look at this time and see how God was working and see how we grew and how much each of us learned from these experiences.  Most of all, I hope we can look back together as a family from a sober perspective and see how all of us were healed.

One Day at a Time

It's past my bedtime and I'm waiting for LT to get done at youth group. He called and asked if he could stay late. I knew there was no school or work tomorrow so I said yes. Jack didn't hear anything but my side of the conversation. However he immediately started his pissy drunk routine (after 5 beers at 8:00 pm. I decided if he's "staying out of it" it being parent to LT, then I'm making decisions based on that until we discuss otherwise. LT has worked hard and deserves to do some fun stuff too  if he wants to be an asshole, that's his choice. I'm being a parent.
I guess I'm mad that he treats me like I'm stupid, talking just below hearing, etc  but really, I'm not playing anymore
Feel free to act like the passive aggressive alcoholic you are. I can't expect a brain-damaged human to responded in a normal way.
Just another reminder - take it one day at a time.  And do what's right for the kids.
I love our children no strings attached.