Seven Things

Seven things, in no particular order, about nothing in particular:
1.  I have a friend who turned 60 today.  She neither looks nor acts 60, and 60 doesn't seem as old as it did when I was 20.
2.  The sun should make a daily appearance during winter.  Where do I make that request?
3.  I want to spend all day at home with our best dog, and match her routine - sleep for sleep. 
4.  God sometimes shows us amazing things through our friends, who are sometimes closer than family.
5.  Republican candidates for president are making our president look better and better. 
6. The fact that I typed that last sentence AND believe it, saddens me.
7.  I would like some frozen custard.  It makes everything better.

When I Look at Today

When I look at today, I see that fresh snow makes the world a prettier world.  Cold days are great for knitting and snuggling under a favorite old quilt.  God is way more forgiving and loving than I deserve.  Children are a blessing but sometimes can drive parents crazy.  I wouldn't trade them for anything.  When I look at today, I see the days are good, but the nights sometimes not.  When I look around - I see a dog who is a member of our family, and who makes me love dogs - even indoors.  I never thought that would happen.  It's not what you look at, it's what you see.

Happy Sunday.

This has no title....hmmm

It feels so strange to come home to a house with only the kids and dog.  To know that whatever has happened during the day, it will be peaceful.  I do miss Jack, though.  I miss the man I married.  But I'm never sure he's the one who will be home when I get here.  Random thoughts today.  One day at a time, and today I will delight in my peace.
Al-anon is today, but I'm not going to work, so I'll miss it.  I love the people there, those I know only by their first names, those who understand what life is like, those who have helped me find joy and peace, those who have helped me grow.  I'm so thankful for them.  I hope if you are reading this and you have an alcoholic in your past or present, find a meeting today.  It truly will change your life - FOR THE BETTER!

Guilt go away, you are just my disease talking!

So in a couple of days, Jack is leaving for a business trip.  I'm feeling guilty because, even though things, including my new habits, are going well, I am really ready for him to be gone for a few days.  As it says in my "Getting Them Sober" books, that is just my disease (family part of the disease of alcoholism) talking.  So, I reject that guilt.  I'm going to be happy that today is Friday, and ready to face the evening, one day at a time.  It's almost like some days I'm waiting to exhale, and that is such a relief to do so.
On a random note, I got new windshield wipers today, and it is awesome.  Clean crisp windshield...love it!  I think I'm going to buy some half-price yarn this weekend too.  That will make a fun new project starting possible.  I think I'll actually knit something for myself - after I get LT's hat done...he's patiently waiting!

Snow!

Finally, it is snowing in the winter, in the midwest. I'm so glad! I have to say that, otherwise, I'll remember how cold it is, and how much I hate scraping off the car. Oh well, it is beautiful, and that is a fact. It's been a good few days. Good for me in spite of Jack's drinking. For a while he was drinking bourbon instead of beer. Never did that before, and it is very bad -he's not a nice drunk on burbon. But, I stuck with my al-anon thoughts, slogans, sanity, and it worked. I didn't have to attend the fights he was inviting me to! (I just ended the sentence with a preposition. Just so you know that I know I did it....but i'm not changing it. Sorry Ms. Z.)
LT was sick for the past week. I'm glad he's finally feeling better and can go to school. It is not the best time to be missing school in the first week after break! Maggie is doing so well. She gets to go on a trip this weekend with her friends. I'm so thankful that she has good friends where she can go and be away from craziness.
We really had a great dinner last night at a restaurant. All four of us, since Abby is away at school. It's nice to know that we can enjoy times together. Be the family that we get glimpses of. *another preposition - i'm getting lazy. I've started a new hobby and I love it. It's part of my taking care of me project. It's great to learn something new - it's been twenty years, I think since I learned a new skill. And I actually make things. LOVE IT!
For all the times things seemed hopeless, I am so thankful to God for the hope I have every day. In my God.

Happy New Year

What a loaded statement. Happy.New.Year. When your loved one is an alcoholic, especially your husband, it is pretty hard to find happy on any one day. Especially when it is following a holiday season that is always difficult. I don't know it any other way with Jack. As usual, he is pushing me away, saying he wants to be left alone, because I "haven't done anything" for the last two weeks. When asked what that looks like - he NEVER has an answer. Finally, for the first time, I'm not picking it up. This is about what is going on in his head. This is not about me or what I've done or not done. He can have it. I have refused to beg and plead and want everything to be smooth. I am more peaceful than I've been for a very long time, so he is pushing me to get my typical reaction. I wrote on my hand today "ACT." That is my new Mantra. I want to Act upon what I notice, see, hear, and witness. I don't want to react. Reacting has not had the best outcomes, so I am choosing to ACT. How liberating. I am also asking myself, what do I want to do? Sometimes I'm not sure I even know, so I'd better be asking myself so I can figure it out! This is a grand journey, recognizing that the family of the alcoholic has a disease too. It has lots of guilt. It stinks. But now that I know it, can see the progression of Jack's disease, I'm choosing differently. For today, I'm okay.
Happy New Year to you, may you find a peace that passes all understanding from your higher power.

Keep Coming Back, It works if you Work It

I have to say that I am shocked. At first I thought it was suprise. But really, it is shocked. I am shocked because over the last few weeks of Jack's "episode" of not involving in the family, crass comments, usual stuff has resulted in a different response from me. I let him be in that place. I didn't try to stop it, I didn't try to fix it, I didn't try to control it. I continued to act the way I would any other day. And it was WONDERFUL! I truly learned what it meant to detach. I've struggled so hard with that word, that verb, that process, everything about detachment has seemed impossible to me. However, It really Worked!!! Just like they say in Al-Anon - Keep Coming Back, It Works if you Work It and we Work It because We're WORTH It!
It even seemed to have a good effect on the kids. What a blessing to finally see progress in ME! And the situation resolved itself like always, only I didn't have all those bad feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt. What a relief!
I only wish everyone who lives with an alcoholic could see that light of hope - even for a moment.