Bad Things Happen to Good People

It has been a long week.  The whole full moon is usually enough, that and the constant ongoing pissing match between Jack and LT.  One would think that could be enough.  But last weekend, everything got put into perspective because a dear friend lost her son in a fire.  He was overcome by smoke.  He was graduating in one month from college - the first of her children to do so.  He was the kind of son you dream of - kind, thoughtful, handsome, smart, friendly, loving.  He had accepted a great job in a fun new town - far enough away to be on his own, but close enough to drive there to visit, and always be home for the holdiays.  Except this is not going to be like any other holiday season before or after.  He's gone.  God works in such amazing ways to draw her friends close to her, family already is blessedly close in both distance and emotionally.  My heart breaks over and over every day for her loss.

But this experience has helped me to see that what is important isn't whether Jack agrees with all of LTs actions.  It isn't even if Jack ever stops drinking.  It is the fact that our children are here, they are mostly healthy, and we have each other.  Not that these family members of mine are making it easy to stay focused on that...they love to push the envelope of my sanity.  LT has been accepted by 3 colleges.  He seems to think that his last year of grades don't matter now.  I wish that were true, but I don't think that's the case.  Jack is having another hoarder recovery moment.  Who knows what we'll be getting rid of this time.  So far, it has been the past tendency to get rid of a few small things, like 3 of his, then for him to tell me that I have too much junk. So the cabinets of displayed items of his stay right where they are and I get rid of everything that's not nailed down that didn't belong to my grandmothers, and in 6-9 months we'll be right back here again.

Ironically he always asks me why we keep repeating these same cycles....hmmmmm, let me see - could I make an educated guess?  Yeah, well, he's not going to hear anything coming from my mouth, so I just say - well, it seems like this happens each fall.  Why do you think that is?  To which he never has an answer.  I still don't think he sees this as anything other than my problem.  Oh well,  that's okay.  I do see the truth, and when I keep making changes for me, things get better for a longer stretch of time.  And that is good for me.

In the end, I'm afraid that his body will start to suffer the effects of this long-term alcohol abuse.  I don't want him to suffer, but I can't lift that burden from him.

Hope you take this day and find an amazing gift from God.  There are no promises of tomorrow, and I choose to keep looking for the good.

Life Continues

So many days I think of so much I want to write - then daily life gets in the way, and I'm tired, and it's sleep or turn on the computer and I choose sleep.
Much has gone on, and yet nothing changes.  Other things change so much, I can't keep up.
Here's a list...
1.  Mom has done fabulous with her knee replacement - now looking forward to the second one. You can't keep her down much - reminds me of Judy!  Hopefully this one will go as smoothly and she'll be a new woman.
2. LT has turned 18. I really can't believe it.  Still.  We went to two out-of-state colleges last weekend and he liked them both.  But he can't seem to get up for high school - so I struggle with him spending more than $25,000 per year at an out-of-state school - if he's going to sleep through half of it.  Grrr.  I'm trying to let go of this and hope that God is working on him at HIS pace and in HIS time, this will stop being such an issue.  He's driving with his grandpa and some with me while we were gone - I'm pretty sure I won't be encouraging him to get his license just yet.  There was some careening onto highway ramps that caused me alarm.  I think he feels like it's a video game - and it is NOT!
3.  Abby has a job, a place of her own, and broke up with her on-again/off-again boyfriend.  That was a good decision, but I don't know if she's going to keep it that way.  He's needy and she likes to have someone to caretake, so we'll see.  Job seems to be going really well.  I think she needs to know herself before she can be ready to know if she's in love, but that's just me.  I sound like such an old codger!
4.  Maggie continues to bop along, turning 16 soon.  FRIGHTENING - can you say dating at age 30 - maybe!  So far, her seeing the brother all the time shows her what boys are really like, so she's not interested yet - but when she is - oh man, look out.  She's very cute and spunky, and she has a mind of her own.  Look out boys!
5.  Jack continues as usual.  Some days are good and somedays are hard and today is one of them.  Currently he's not talking to me about being angry that I don't fix LT and his habitual lateness.  But I'm not supposed to wake him up.  So there is that problem.  I just go on with life, and shoot for being the wife God calls me to be and not be reactive to how he chooses to act - either good or bad - just be myself.  Usually works pretty well, but we've both been sick for the last week, so it has been trying :-) To say the least.
As others have noted, the change of weather for fall, especially with the wet, cold, damp weather, doesn't help anything.  We change times on Saturday, so hopefully that will at least allow some light to be present when we are actually out and about. 
God knows the plan, and I trust Him in all things. 
Hanging on to Him.
Enjoy the sunshine when you see it,

WGO

It's a Great Day in the Neighborhood

I've been such a bad blogger.  It's been almost 2 months or more since I've written anything.  And now, summer is almost over. I was thinking this morning that God has been so good, and I need to recognize that "out loud" or in writing.
Nothing is perfect, but things are more calm on many fronts.  After a mission trip with Maggie and Abby, and LT on his own mission trip that left Jack and the wonder-dog home alone, we've had good days.  Not alcohol-free days by any means, but good days, nonetheless.  Before that were some good days as well.  We've survived a visit from my in-laws (a first in 6 years!!), a job being secured by Abby, the promise of a driving permit for LT, and tennis lessons for Maggie. Wow, and it's only the end of July!!
I love to see what God is doing.  He's working on our family.  Perhaps not as quickly as I'd like, but I do see progress.  After summer school, LT has his grades up to where he could be eligible for some scholarships - that would be WONDERFUL!  And Abby and Maggie are working well together as Abby prepares for her new job.  Abby's mom is not being particularly fabulous at the moment, but that's pretty typical. 
Our mission trip was fantastic.  We had great weather (warmer at home than on a tropical island!), no rain, great friends made and a blessing of worship at their local church.  I love when we can shout to the hills and worship my God!
The sunset tonight was so beautiful.  I hope I can find a photo of it to share.  I'll even post a second time today if I find it!
Please pray for my mama. She'll be having knee replacement surgery in the coming days.  I know she needs it, but it's scary to see that your mom isn't indestructable.  I just tell her she's coming out as Wonder Woman, 2.0.
God's blessings to you.
WGO

There are DAYS...

Today, I want to be part of Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say. 
There are days when I just don't think I can go on one more day. Today I faced the fact that LT missed the bus AGAIN - with 2 days left of school.  This could mean in-school suspension and missing a final.  How could I allow this to happen - I feel like such a failure.  But you know what, my consequences haven't had an impact on getting that 17 y-o boy out of bed.  Maybe some more drastic school consequences will make a difference.  Maybe not.  That's the thing about boys - sometimes your bottom of the barrel isn't theirs. 

And really, in the grand scheme of things, he's a good kid, almost a senior, holds a job and is very kind to others (except his sisters, on occasion), and wants to participate in mission trips and volunteers at church. And I know God has prepared him for exactly the right path.  He just likes to sleep in!

There are days I don't think I can take one more day of Jack's drinking.  I get so tired of working my program, remembering that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.  It gets so old hearing his comments about how much this woman or that woman wants him.  I have learned to not let it sit in my head and beat me down, to realize he's insecure and it's not about me, but I just get so tired.  I get so tired of having to be the one who realizes that I need to make changes.  But then I realize how much Al-Anon and other friends have helped me to be the person I am today.  I'm not so afraid any more.  Fear doesn't rule my every thought. I'm strong, I'm a child of God, and I'm loved.  I have good kids, a great dog, and amazing friends (see Louise!!).  Then Jack will hold me and say how thankful he is that I put up with him.  How glad he is that I'm his wife, and I know - absolutely KNOW that God is here in the midst of this chaos and He's working in it.  And that's enough for me.

There are days I can't bear the thought of Abby moving back home after college.  Her lack of desire to be on her own, being responsible and being with a boy that she has said pushed her.  If that is what she told us about, then it was worse and she's now thinking of living with him.  But it's not my battle to fight.  I can say all the truth in the world, but she's 21 and she has to make her own mistakes, I guess.  Then she will tell me that she wants me to go shopping with her, not her mom, because I always make her feel pretty when we're done.  And I cry for the part of her that hears discouragement from her mom.  And I know God is here.

There are days when I can't stand that Maggie is a chatterbox and wants to be in my personal space and always hug me or hang on me or hold my hand.  She is dramatic and has attitude and sasses me and wants my help but doesn't want to take it.  She tells me to stop watching her when she's playing soccer and makes a mistake.  Like it's my fault.  But then I remember that she's 15 and it's her job to be dramatic, and sassy.  I remember that there will come a day when she will be too busy with a boy to hug me, and her life will be filled with college and friends and sports and work, and I'll be without her smile and quick with.  And I know God is going to do big things with this girl.

There are days when I miss my grandma so much that it hurts.  Even after 5 years.  It feels like yesterday.

There are days when I want to hide under the covers and not come out.  To be left alone and not have to deal with all this mess.  But then I realize how fortunate I am.  I have a home that wasn't flattened in a tornado, I have a husband who holds a job and loves us all in the best way he can, and sometimes we get to see it.  I have children who are safe and healthy and smart and loving.  My parents and sister are healthy and safe and we all love each other.  We know how to laugh.

There are days when I thank God for all that I have and more importantly all the love in my life.  Those are the best days of all.

Thankfully, I'm still Here & Alive

Wow, I can't believe I disappeared off the radar for so long.  Life has a tendency to do that - get so busy that I just get sucked in and the next thing you know- it's a month later. Wow.  Life goes on here in Wife's world.  Miss Maggie is playing tennis.  She's fantastic but hard on herself.  For not playing since she was 6 years old, I think she's quite fabulous!  I may be a bit partial.  I'm back to work full time.  I'm very thankful for my job and co-workers, but I miss all that time to do things at home.  Ah well, such a good problem to have.
Abby is working!!  At a job she went to school for!!  It is temporary, but a good start.  Hurray.  Now, on to a permanent assignment.  Baby-steps. That is the key.
LT has been taking college board tests.  He's doing amazingly well.  Further proof that he is smarter than his grades lead you to believe.  I wonder if I've hurt him by being exposed to Jack and his criticism.  Well, I'm just being miss honesty and forthrightness today.  Hummmmm.  Still, in this world, I like to see the good.  How can I make the world a better place?  I'm starting with my space in the corner of the universe.  Lord, help me see what is good right here and now.
I have more in my head to write, but I'm going to go for now.  I hope everyone is having a great day and that you can see the Sun!!

The View from Here

Well, I'm finally feeling better from surgery.  I haven't really felt badly, just exhausted and not able to do much.  I have been pleasantly surprised at how amazing Jack has been and how well he's taken care of me.  It reminds me of the man I married, the one I knew before I knew he drank.  Thank God I'm in a place that I can accept the kindnesses and thoughtfulness and leave the crappy thinking behind me.
I still can't work, but am really enjoying my time off, my time to myself, and the 3 books I've already read, the knitting I'm doing, the peace and quiet.  If the TV is on at all, it's on HGTV.  Yes, this is my life, and I'm now a boring middle-aged woman!  Bahahaha.
Don't get me wrong, the struggles have still been present, but I'm doing better at taking what I like and leaving the rest.  It is a blessing.
LT is doing better this quarter at school.  He does have 2 high Cs, but the rest are all As and Bs.  Let's all continue to pray that this is the new pattern - keeping the highs!  After he overslept 3 of the first 4 days this week, he told me to chill out.  I told him I'd be happy to chill out once he learned to move the alarm so that he'd have to get OUT of the bed and turn off his alarm.  Let's just say, the clock moved and he's made the bus yesterday and today.  I guess that means now I can Chill out!  (Eyes rolled)
Abby finally got a job.  Not in her degree area, but it is a paying job.  That is a good thing all around.  Maggie is miss positivity or miss attitude.  Take your pick, but probably not the one you are ready for when it is about to happen! I love my teenagers, I love my teenagers...She says to herself repeatedly!
The best news is I finally am feeling much better.  My body seems to be healing and I don't feel exhausted every minute of the day.  Or that could be the daily naps I'm getting.  I'll take it!  The dog and I are best buddies.  She almost has me on her sleep schedule!
If you haven't heard, please run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore, library, or e-reader and purchase Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle.  I read her blog religiously because she makes me laugh out loud.  Usually with some liquid in my mouth, then I spit all over my computer screen but it is so worth it!!!  I can't read it in bed when Jack is sleeping because it makes me laugh until I shake the bed, or cry at it's touching truth of what it is to be a mama and trying to figure out how life makes sense.  I can't recommend it enough if you want to feel uplifted.
Also, yesterday, as part of my self-imposed therapy, I went to the movies and saw "Silver Linings Playbook".  I didn't know anything about it, other than a couple of the ratings I saw online, and they were all positive.  It was a wonderful movie.  No nudity, few cuss words, and truthful portrayal of bi-polar and mental illness.  I didn't cry, and I left feeling good.  And it was on the discounted movie list!  A grand slam!
Hope I can be more diligent about posting now.  It feels like I've been gone forever.
Have a wonderful weekend, and hope you see a good movie or read a great book today!

Are We There Yet?

I've been out of town for a week, in a western desert state where the sun was out EVERY day.  It was wonderful.  I was with Jack, and even that was a great experience.  I was intending to come today and write about that, and how thankful I am for that time.
I am thankful for that time.  I am thankful for every day, every minute of that time.  I'm thankful for every day when LT & Maggie's grandparents were with them and made them feel loved and cared for.
Unfortunately, last night, reality struck. My only question is, are we there yet??????  Have we reached rock bottom?  Nope.  Jack has not reached rock bottom.  I, however, am starting to feel the rocks on the bottom as they tear at my hands that I'm using to hold myself up.
Tomorrow is d-day for me, or s-day.  I'm having some surgery, that while it isn't expected to be serious, it is making me uneasy.  I'm trying not to worry, not let fear bring me down.  In the midst of all of this, Jack's alcoholic behavior is driving a bigger wedge in our family than ever before. 
While I don't condone at all the behavior that LT has engaged in, Jack's need to control, and his absolute my way or the highway parenting mentality is really not healthy.  As if I expected healthy?  But what is best for LT?  He's doing fantastic at school so far.  Granted, it's three weeks, but HUGE improvement.  At home, it's horrible.  We started off with some great family time, each week, all involved and seemingly enjoying it.  Last night, Jack thought he needed to go into LTs room and look around.  He found 2 pieces of mail that LT had opened with my name on them.  And proceeded to MELT down.  LT said maybe he should live somewhere else.  My heart broke into some small pieces.  That is NOT okay with me.  I get that he shouldn't have done it.  I agree.  I get that he should be remorseful and he is - but not on the schedule that Jack would like. 
Jack yelled, stormed, left.
When he got home, LT didn't apologize fast enough to suit him.  Apparently there is a clock running and you have only x amount of minutes to apologize or it is invalid.  Again, I have no idea how many minutes = x, and so far, it seems to be variable.
I suck at math, so this doesn't really work for me.  On so many levels.
I remained calm as Jack ignored and disappeared.  I attempted civil discussion.  Yeah, not so much.  He even told me he'd been drinking, so go to bed. I failed to listen.  I maintained my mostly calm and not freaking out.  I'm proud of that.
How do I answer him when he asks what he has done wrong as a parent to LT?  In his eyes, absolutely nothing, but everything he said shows that he has a balance sheet running and he's giving more than everyone else on every level.  Especially financially.  I remained silent, because after 5 beers, I'm not going there.  But was my silence condoning his statements?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to being unconscious for surgery.  That's about all I can handle right now.
God, I know you have a plan.  I trust you.  I believe you can use all things for good for those who are called according to your purposes.  Help me in my doubt.  (throwing all kinds of scripture references at once.)  I know you're still there.  Without you, I'd be a bigger mess.  Please appear real to me today.  Protect LT from himself and all of us from the effects of Jack's drinking.  Just for today.