It has been a long week. The whole full moon is usually enough, that and the constant ongoing pissing match between Jack and LT. One would think that could be enough. But last weekend, everything got put into perspective because a dear friend lost her son in a fire. He was overcome by smoke. He was graduating in one month from college - the first of her children to do so. He was the kind of son you dream of - kind, thoughtful, handsome, smart, friendly, loving. He had accepted a great job in a fun new town - far enough away to be on his own, but close enough to drive there to visit, and always be home for the holdiays. Except this is not going to be like any other holiday season before or after. He's gone. God works in such amazing ways to draw her friends close to her, family already is blessedly close in both distance and emotionally. My heart breaks over and over every day for her loss.
But this experience has helped me to see that what is important isn't whether Jack agrees with all of LTs actions. It isn't even if Jack ever stops drinking. It is the fact that our children are here, they are mostly healthy, and we have each other. Not that these family members of mine are making it easy to stay focused on that...they love to push the envelope of my sanity. LT has been accepted by 3 colleges. He seems to think that his last year of grades don't matter now. I wish that were true, but I don't think that's the case. Jack is having another hoarder recovery moment. Who knows what we'll be getting rid of this time. So far, it has been the past tendency to get rid of a few small things, like 3 of his, then for him to tell me that I have too much junk. So the cabinets of displayed items of his stay right where they are and I get rid of everything that's not nailed down that didn't belong to my grandmothers, and in 6-9 months we'll be right back here again.
Ironically he always asks me why we keep repeating these same cycles....hmmmmm, let me see - could I make an educated guess? Yeah, well, he's not going to hear anything coming from my mouth, so I just say - well, it seems like this happens each fall. Why do you think that is? To which he never has an answer. I still don't think he sees this as anything other than my problem. Oh well, that's okay. I do see the truth, and when I keep making changes for me, things get better for a longer stretch of time. And that is good for me.
In the end, I'm afraid that his body will start to suffer the effects of this long-term alcohol abuse. I don't want him to suffer, but I can't lift that burden from him.
Hope you take this day and find an amazing gift from God. There are no promises of tomorrow, and I choose to keep looking for the good.