Sometimes the words still sting

This has been a weekend, not unlike many other weekends.  What I have figured out is that even with the most clear-headed thinking, even with al-anon, even with knowing what is true, and having a higher power to  help with every day, sometimes the words of an alcoholic still sting.  I do find that all of these assets I listed above make the sting last a little shorter time, and don't cut quite so deeply, but they still hurt just the same.  I suppose this has been a time of realizing that the alcoholism is progressing, and yes, I am powerless to stop it.  I read a post by Syd over on I'm Just F.I.N.E. and it really hit me.  Knowing that my kids are suffering is hard, but knowing I'm doing all I can to talk about this disease and keep what is real identified.  Ugh - this is hard and I'm not really liking it today.  Even the details aren't that different.  Perhaps what is different is not taking everything personally and realizing that the words are really aimed at himself.  And that's really sad.
God is good and the weather is lovely, so I am going to concentrate on that.

Another hot one

It's another incredibly hot, dry day in the neighborhood.  Seriously, I'm starting to feel like a lizard.  Ick!  Pretty calm here, and that is probably my favorite adjective ever to describe life.  Jack took all three kids to an amusement park and they spent the night in a hotel.  Can you say - happy mama!  They called and it sounds like they're having a blast - so glad to hear that!  I spent the time with a nap after work, snack food for dinner and reading before bed.  It was divine.
Jack's doctor's appointment (what I know of it) went well.  He was not 100% revealing about what was discussed, but he did attempt to cut down on his intake of alcohol for the past week or so.  I don't know what the liver function test results were, but I know he's not going to tell me!  LT likes his job, and I'm so glad.  Unfortunately, I busted him again trying to over-ride the electronics rules and controls, so I don't think the permit will be happening any time soon.  I wish he would learn the lesson about lying v. truth.  Seriously - get it already.
Reading a book, Calling Invisible Women.  It's kind of amusing, but not in a laugh-out-loud kind of funny.  I'm enjoying it, nonetheless. I think people today are missing so much with all of the electronics (yes, memaw has arrived and stolen my blog).  I LOVE reading.  I love how you can be transported to a time and place and forget the world.  It's an escape that TV/movies, etc. don't give me, personally.
Ready to begin a new knitting project too.  I wonder when it's time to retire.  I have too many fun things to do to work all day! 
God's blessings are everywhere - just look!

Enjoying the Journey

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and words.  Anniversary was fun.  Won some money at the casino, which NEVER happens, but it finally did and it's a lot more fun when you do!  Weird how we can spend hours in the car together, have great conversations, and then evening comes, computer comes out, porn invades with beer, and a different person inhabits our home.  Sad on one level, but I feel so much better about life, alcoholism, etc. now than I did 5 years ago. 
It's been good news for kids, they had fun on their excursion, and LT starts his job this week!! WOOO HOOOO!!!  After 5 calls per half day - the kids are driving me crazy spending too much time together.  This should help!  I hope!   Now to get him a driver's permit.  Yikes.  Well, I guess we are bringing them up to be "adults", not children who never leave and don't have their own life....Okay, it's all good.
Finished the book, One Moment, One Morning (or the other way around?!).  It was fantastic, and so true about how one of the characters describes her involvement with her alcoholic BF.  Something you don't often find in books. 
Jack goes to the doctor today.  The blood tests they did included liver function.  I'm anxious to hear if he has anything to say about it. 
Lunch interview for a project, so I'd better hit it.  So glad to see some beautiful clouds this morning with sun shining through.  Reminds me that today is a new day.  New Mercies.  Fantastic.

Happy Anniversary Eve

Well, tomorrow is our anniversary.  For the first time in forever, I have no expecations, and I'm really thankful that I have great kids, great friends, family who love us, and really, a great husband when he is one.  For all the rest, I'm thankful to al-anon for where I am and that I am working on me.  I love this one thing I read that said if it's good for me, it's good for the alcoholic.  That helps me to stay sane, and judge better what is reasonable.  Not just normal, because that can be very skewed in a relationship with an alcoholic. 
I'm reading a fabulous book recommended by Still Me Only Stronger,  One Moment, One Morning by Sarah Rayner.  She was so right about the descriptions of the character who is in a relationship with an alcoholic.  I'm not done yet, but it is a great read.  If you are so inclined, look for a my favorite books section soon.  I loved hers and am going to copy the idea (with her permission, and thank you!!). 
I'll let you know what excitement goes on for the anniversary.  In the meantime, stay well, and know I'm praying for you.

Where does the time go?

I can't believe I haven't written in a month.  Time flies when you are having fun, raising teenagers, getting through the day.  I've been working 10 hour days to have a 3 day weekend, and I'm thinking not such a good idea.  I'm exhausted.  Life just keeps moving though. 
I'm excited that LT has made some great progress.  He got a job, he got very good grades (just one small blip, but totally acceptable), and he went to Al-anon with me.  I totally left him alone there, didn't even look at him the whole time, but it was so good to know he was there.  Taking it in.  Sometimes there aren't many guys there, but there was one that day.  He is VERY quiet, but he even spoke then.  God was working.  Afterwards, when I asked LT if he'd go back, he said he didn't know what he was expecting but it wasn't like that, and he wanted to go again.  Can I just hear a Hallelujah!???!! 
Most days, Jack is Jack, and I'm working my Al-Anon program and trying to demonstrate to the kids what healthier looks like (mentally anyway - I'm still addicted to Ice Cream).  I can always tell when he is extra stressed because he becomes locked into a porn obsession and barely speaks to me.  But I go on, because he doesn't control my happiness.  I miss the real guy inside of him, but it's all part of the disease.  On a good note, he's going to a new doctor and told me when the appointment is(ahead of time).   Maybe it's a small step toward a change.  God knows and time will tell.
So sad for my Maggie.  Their youth group trip has been cancelled due to the fires in Colorado.  She is extremely disappointed.  Praying for another opportunity for them to still go on any trip.  Both the kiddos need to have that experience.  Being with other people who love God and aren't afraid to show it.
Abby is home for the summer from college.  She is such a dichotomy (I hope that is the right word).  She's an adult in years, but not always in her neediness/actions.  I guess that is the prime display of growing up as a child of an alcoholic.  She is going to church with me, and that is brining her some peace.  God is working in all of the kiddos. That is good news to me.  I know that there are many who don't believe in God, any god, and that's okay for them.  For me, I couldn't make it through the day without a faith.
Praying for all of those in CO fires, FL waters, and midwest drought.  It's a tough summer.  And a day in the 100s...yikes!

The Things Alcoholics Say

Last night I was struck by a recurring theme at our house.  When drinking, and more often lately, even when he's not, Jack is nicer to the dog than to any of the people in our home.  He lavished praise on the dog last night, saying he's sorry for talking mean to her, since he realizes she's sensitive.  Well that's thoughtful, but what about the way you speak to your CHILDREN!???!!!!  Do you think they aren't sensitive to your way of speaking/yelling at them? Geez, how un-self-aware can a person be?  The answer to that questions is pretty damn un-self-aware (I'm making up words now - look out Webster).  Just for one day, I'd like to have a recording/camera crew follow us all around, and at the end of the day, without beer, Jack must watch the tape.  I pray I'm living in such a way that I wouldn't be ashamed of what I see.  But that's all I get to control.
School's coming to an end soon.  If you are the praying kind, please pray for LT to get a job.  He needs to be out of the house during the day or evening and receive encouragement and help to build his confidence.  How can it be that in a few days I'll have two high-school children??  Where does the time go?

Progressive Disease, Progressive Healing

I started this post several days ago, with only the title.  It seems that is the theme right now.  Jack's alcoholism is progressing.  He is continuing to spend most evenings after supper lying down - sometimes sleeping.  This is virtually unheard of in the 7 1/2 years I've known him.  Usually he can't lie still for more than 10 minutes at time without medication, especially to sleep.  At the same time, he's been drinking more steadily, and then the last 2 days, nothing.  It's like he's in this battle with himself.  Very crazy.  And as usual, he's silent and distant when he's having this battle.
More importantly to me, is the fact that I've been seeing this happen, and not taken any of the guilt I would typically pick up about why he is acting so distant.  I KNOW it isn't about me.  I hate that this is how it is.  I would like to be able to talk to him about what is going on.  I'd like him to go to a doctor and tell them what is going on - the truth - and seek help.  But, that isn't my decision. I also feel such a sense of freedom at the same time feeling so sad that he feels he must live this internal battle alone.  I love the person who is underneath this disease, the real one...it doesn't have to be this way.  At least I know that I don't have to be in that state of depression along with him anymore.  That is tremendously freeing.  I'm pretty sure if you've never lived with an alcoholic you probably think I'm and uncaring *itch.  Unfortunately, when you live with an alcoholic, most rules that apply to "normal" relationships don't apply here.  I'm glad you don't know what it's like.  You are blessed.
I will keep going one step at a time, one day at a time, and letting God have control.  His plan is better than mine, and I have faith in Him, and his timing.