This has been a weekend, not unlike many other weekends. What I have figured out is that even with the most clear-headed thinking, even with al-anon, even with knowing what is true, and having a higher power to help with every day, sometimes the words of an alcoholic still sting. I do find that all of these assets I listed above make the sting last a little shorter time, and don't cut quite so deeply, but they still hurt just the same. I suppose this has been a time of realizing that the alcoholism is progressing, and yes, I am powerless to stop it. I read a post by Syd over on I'm Just F.I.N.E. and it really hit me. Knowing that my kids are suffering is hard, but knowing I'm doing all I can to talk about this disease and keep what is real identified. Ugh - this is hard and I'm not really liking it today. Even the details aren't that different. Perhaps what is different is not taking everything personally and realizing that the words are really aimed at himself. And that's really sad.
God is good and the weather is lovely, so I am going to concentrate on that.
You are an amazing woman!!!!! and I know how difficult it is for you!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to erase those negative tapes. I still play the tapes even though I am no longer with the alcoholic. If he has to come to the house for any reason, I am running around making sure that everything is perfect because of all of the times that he told me that our house wasn't clean enough.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first learned that my father-in-law was an alcoholic, I was floored by the fact that no one in his family called him out on it. He would say the most awful things, and the next day, the entire family would act as if nothing happened the night before. Why didn't anyone tell him (when he was sober) that he had a problem?
As my husbands problems progressed, I learned to keep my mouth closed. Who wanted the drama? It's not like he was going to ADMIT to having problems with alcohol. It was just easier to pretend.
And despite telling myself that he was just drunk when he said things, they still HURT.