A first, and a second...

I'm not quite sure what to call this post. In some ways, it has been a really bad week. But in some ways, more personal, it has been a really good week. It has been the first week where I have truly not lived in a reaction to the way my dear alcoholic has been treating me or acting. I really stepped away - detached - and just lived my life this week. I admit, it was a little scary, but incredibly freeing. I think I finally get the whole detachment idea that I have been struggling with so much. As very much of a people pleaser, it is very difficult to not want to make things all better. In this situation, and many others, I'm realizing, I.can't.do.it.
What a relief. I am not in charge of this person's happiness. While I wish that it was within my power to help, to make things better, it is NOT. I don't have that kind of power. It's really freeing.
On another front, I've also been doing a lot better at not paying any attention to the ramblings of a drunk. They are just words. Words have no power if they are not true. Words that are spoken aloud are not necessarily true. All are new-found ideas to me. I rather enjoy the reality!
Thank you God for showing me your presence this week. I am so thankful for your faithfullness and your care, even when I don't deserve it.

Trust and where to put it

Does anyone ever have the feeling that you are caught in a "Groundhog Day" like life, except instead of the same day going by over and over again, it is the same round of manic, depressive, hurtful, kind, good, manic, depressive, hurtful, kind, good, manic....you get the drift? Is this the only house that deals with this? We are currently in the depressive, hurtful portion of the cycle. I have been reading a great website, Getting Them Sober. There, I have seen many great posts that talk about the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will continue to progress as long as there is ongoing drinking in the alcoholic's life. I am seeing that so clearly in this situation. It is like watching a play by play in real life. I often wondered if one consumed such a quantity of alcohol every single day, if they could ever really have it out of their system. It appears from that website, that it is a valid question, and the answer is no -it is not ever out of their system. While I don't enjoy this cycle anymore, I am finally able to see that it is not my fault, I'm not the cause, the cure or controller. Thank you God for that message. And, the site also discusses how the alcohol really does change the brain chemistry, and that when they act so hateful, it is the alcohol talking, as it has such a hold on the alcoholic...and drives them to drink more, earlier, and greater amounts. And tonight, comes the control portion of the cycle. I'm in control because I can go to bed early and not drink. See I don't have a problem.
Thankfully, I know in whom I can trust, and He is sitting at the right hand of God.

Weary, Remember Detachment, What is Important

I have been trying so hard to do what is in my control and leave the rest. It seems like I'm not doing so well. I guess what I need to remember is detachment with love. Not let the alcoholic's moods and drama rule my life. I can continue to show love, be there if he is ready for change, but really - he's not going to change right now. I know God is in control. Even here. Ultimately, God has to choose the time that is right to show me another choice. I choose to wait patiently (at least that's my goal) on the Lord. His timing is perfect, and He doesn't make mistakes. He is always here for me, I can trust Him. In God is where I choose to put my trust. Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief. thank you for loving me anyway.

Sometimes You Need To Step Back

It seems like ofen times, we get so caught up in our life's drama, the chaos surrounding our family, our alcoholic, others, that we see only a small portion of our world. We see the problems or trials we face as so large - looming over every thought, action, feeling, intruding on all aspects of our life. At times, what we really need to do when feeling overwhelmed, is to step back. See if the things we are seeing as so large are really so important on the grand scheme of life. I have come to find that there is no cloud so dark that God can not see through it. I just have to look toward my God - the light that shines in the darkness. And at times, it feels trite, but it is TRUE. Thank you for family and friends who help to shine God's light. May you see the sky through whatever cloud is obscuring the truth.

My time vs. God's time

There are watches that you can buy that tell time in more than one time zone. I think the world time is available on the internet. I have always wanted to have a watch or link that would tell me where we are in God's time. I know that would defeat the purpose of trusting in our God, and that we can not know what God knows. Sometimes however, it would be fabulous to know that, similar to giving birth to a baby, this period of suffering will END. There is a finite point in time where it will be over. We may not know exactly how long it will last but that baby must come out one way or another. I wish I could know when alcoholism will no longer reign in our household. There are so many ways we are doing better now - having armed ourselves as the family of an alcoholic, with words, wisdom and people who help us understand this disease, but honestly, I am so tired. So very tired. I want to see life through the my Jesus' eyes of hope and compassion. If only I had that watch. I guess I'll just have to settle for trusting Him more and stop trying to fix what I can't.
One day at a time. Thank you God for this beautiful day and your people who are my blessed friends.

The Sun Came Up Today Somewhere...

It's really cloudy here today, but I know behind those clouds is the Sun. Soon it will be out more often, and things will look better. Things always look better in the sun! Thankfully, in life, things are more calm for now. I understand that this is a part of the cycle, but I'm happy to have these days of more calmness. Much better. Even w/kiddos rotating through viruses, at least there is calm once in a while. Spring come soon - I'm ready to get my hands dirty!

One Day at A Time, Let Go & Let God

We have been in this cycle of insanity for almost two weeks now. It is starting to get worse. The alcoholic is now treating the kids badly too. Who is it that thinks it is okay to just opt out of the life you sought. You no longer have any responsibilities or worries - you can just stop??? I guess that is an alcoholic's brain that thinks like that. Well, the focus is to be on the day at hand. If you think too much about the insanity you are in, you will in fact go insane. It is supposed to snow today - I say God, open your doors of snow and let it fall. Bring some beauty to this ugly world. Cover all the ugliness and dirtiness with beautiful whiteness. It can be so crisp and delightful. Remember to laugh with the children's laughs - to love them no matter what is going on around. Even if our home is no longer a haven - our family is a haven where we are still loved. Thank you God for that. God, I have asked for whatever it takes to get the alcoholic's attention, to bring him healing. I pray now that you will give me the strength through your holy spirit to wait upon you with complete trust and patience. The alcoholic is going to do what ever he is going to do. I am helpless, but not hopeless.