90 more to go

With my 100th post celebration yesterday, I may have gotten a little carried away with thinking I have 100 "pearls of wisdom" to share with the world.  But I am feeling spunky, so onward we go.  In the interest of linking up to Pour Your Heart Out on Things I Can't Say, I'm reaching back to some things I learned long ago, about my kids.

• 11.  While the two sets of genes that started out together are the same, the way they get rearranged into a child are NEVER the same.  Siblings may start from the same parents, but oh how differently they can come out.
• 12.  Sharpie will eventually come off the side of a portable dishwasher.  And also a 2 year old's arm.  Eventually.
• 13.  Never leave your *e-bay account logged in with a 4 year old around.  He can and may purchase an electric train for himself.  How he can find that when he can't spell is still a mystery to me.  I mean theoretically speaking, of course.
• 14.  The look of your first born when he first meets his baby sister may break your heart all over again as he wonders who is in HIS spot - there in your arms.
• 15.  Once in a lifetime, birthday cake for breakfast is okay.
• 16.  Have someone else take a picture of you with your children when they are young.  If you are always holding the camera, you will never have a photo of yourself with your babies (although this may be slightly showing my age, in the era of the "selfie").
• 17.  Never underestimate the power of Thomas the Tank Engine.
• 18.  After learning something in pre-school, it's always good to test it out in practice.  Say you learned about first-responders in class.  You wonder if you dial 911, do they really come?  They will come to check on you if you hang up.  Really.  
• 19.  It does take a village to raise caring children.
• 20.  The best memories never involved my phone or a text.

Please take a minute and check out what others are saying.  

100th Post!! Who would have thought?

Wow - this is my 100th Post!!  I can't believe it.  I don't write nearly as often as I think of things, nor as often as I'd like to, but here it is, my 100th post.  Most times, it seems that when a blogger reaches 100 posts, they do a give-away or something.  I wonder if I should do that.  Unless you like a knit hat or a baby blanket or something, you'd probably just as soon that I not give away stuff.  I think I'll just do a list of 100 random thoughts.  With numbers, and it may take me a few days, but here we go.

1. There are amazing people in the world who we can "meet" without ever seeing each other.  Interwebs - amazing!
2. It's sometimes easier to reveal yourself to complete strangers than your own family.  My reader(s) are an especially kind and caring bunch.
3. When you look for bad stuff in your life you find it.  And it drags you down.
4. When you look for God's miracles in your life - you see them!  And it gives you hope for another hour or day or minute.
5. When you don't share your thoughts with a caring someone, you continue to believe the lies that bang about inside your head.
6. We treat each other much better than we treat ourselves.  We offer grace, compassion, understanding, forgiveness to neighbors, friends, loved ones.  We often beat ourselves up over our mistakes, shortcomings, choices.  Love yourself as you love your neighbor - that goes both ways!
7. While we are so busy getting through the day, years are blowing by, and with them, children grow up, parents grow older, and we don't recognize it until something stops us in our tracks.  We need to be present in the moment.
8. God is not done with me yet.  I'm not as bad as my last mistake nor am I as good as my last accomplishment.  There's always room for improvement.
9. Trying to fill your heart with stuff, people, things, food, anything other than the God of my understanding will always end in disappointment, and that empty feeling that doesn't go away.
10. When you stop for just a moment, there is beauty - just look!

 

Bleeding Heart 2014 - my very own garden

More to come.....and thank you for reading just this post - or all 100!

Some Things Change...Some Things Stay the Same

I think spring is finally coming.  Not here, but coming.  It's a weird sort of winter we have had, and it makes spring all the more welcome to me!  Things are changing - looking at graduation for LT.  He went to a dance, and held hands with a girl.  I mean seriously - on our couch - in our house - I may have had a small panic attack.  I understand this is normal behavior for 18 y-o boys, but my baby?!!  My boy?!?  No, this is not normal!  LOL - God is working on stretching me.  I got it - But seriously??? I don't think you understand how my mind was blown.  Anyway, that is changing. He has to commit to a college any day, and there's that to look forward to as well.
To the things that stay the same...Jack and his drinking, blame gaming, and childishness.  I am trying to extend grace.  And sometimes I'm better at that than others.  It's just really hard some days, and I let my exasperation show.  Believe me, I'm paying for it.  But, I also have grace shown to me - a reminder of what is in my control and what is not...a reminder of what I can control and what I can't.  So I move on.  Changing slowly, but changing with the grace that comes from a God who is bigger than this life and any trial that comes.
God is good, and I was reminded of that too!  Had a great time at a retreat where God's love overflowed, and it was amazing to see that in the faces and the lives of the women there.

Take one day at a time, and let God do what is His to do.  I have plenty to take care of in my own head. 

All Quiet on the Western Front

Laughing in the face of crazy, I am happy to report all is quiet today.  Of course, that could change at any moment.  Kids are preparing for a big play this weekend, Abby appears to be settling into a routine as an adult - still makes me crazy worrying about how she eats/takes care of herself...but that is their specialty, right?
Jack and I are doing fairly well.  I have had a couple of opportunities to practice what I read about in my al-anon books, and those went well.  I was really worried about even sharing this fact, as I could be bringing doom, despair and agony on me (to quote the HeeHaw song).  It is so pleasant, that I did want to share that there are days when life is good.  Things aren't in turmoil, and just being is great.  I think it's one of the reasons I always notice the sky - if you just notice, there are good things every day. 
Loving yoga and feeling so much better each week after it is over.  There may be something to this taking care of yourself business.
Hope you take care of you today.
Namaste!

Picture found at: http://www.flowerpicturegallery.com/d/5656-1/rich+pink+lotus.jpg

Still Learning Something New

I learned something today.  Well, maybe even two things.  I learned that just when I get sucked in to believing a senior in high school is making strides to do better, he will oversleep and crush my dreams of a smooth week (this being the first day of school for the week - Happy Birthday, Mr. President(s)).  Second, and completely unrelated, I learned that I have many gifts to give the world, but giving blood is not one of them.  I have always hated to have my blood drawn because I have ridiculously small and hidden veins.  However, a dear teach to my LT spoke once about the difference giving blood can make, and after he died of pancreatic cancer, I put my fears aside and went to give blood.  I've successfully done so 14 times since then.  However, the past 3 times, the whole scene has resulted in a horrible bruise, my vein closes, and no blood donation.  I leave feeling bad, the worker taking it feels bad, and so pooh.  I will find some other way to use my gifts for others.   I think this means I should knit some more adorable baby hats for the children's hospitals.  That is a lot less painful use of needles!

On other fronts, I've been stressing about LT, and his lack of academic performance.  He continues to underwhelm me, and now I've begun worrying about him paying for college.  According to the "estimator" we are supposed to contribute 1/3 of our annual income to his college costs next year.  I don't know who wrote that algorithm, but I'm betting he didn't do well in math.  That's more than twice our budget for our house payment.  Seriously?  The world is so screwed up.

Ah well, ever onward.  This too shall pass. And all that Jazz.

....closing that chapter

LT and I made the trip over to his biological chromosome donator's funeral last night.  Maggie didn't want to go, and I saw no reason she should, so we were by ourselves.  Not going to lie - a little bit nervous.  In the end, after much prayer and covering by others in prayer - there was grace in the whole situation.  We were welcomed with love and hugs by those who loved us before, and even some who weren't so loving.  LT was able to say goodbye to the person who left so long ago.  And I think some healing was done by all.
If it weren't for my experiences in Al-Anon and with all the caring people in my home group, I know I couldn't have driven to that town, let alone entered the place with LT.  So thankful for forgiveness, healing, and grace.  That is what we all hope to offer and be offered in this life.
So today, I look with grace upon Jack.  Praying some day that he will feel it and be able to return it.
So proud of LT and what a kind, thoughtful young man he is.  Truly blessed.


art.by.WifeGoesOn

 

Thankfully, it feels okay.  It feels like we can close that chapter of our life.  Our hurts, our fears, our tears, our pain.  All of it is behind us now.  We no longer have to live in fear that he will show up and want something from any of us.  I'm thankful for God's protection all this time, and what we now have for today and every day after this.




Finally. Not What I Expected!

So the turmoil between Jack and LT continues.  It is like being in a small hole with a live grenade.  I'm over it, and don't understand why they can't just get along.  But that's not to be.  So I keep praying.  And I know God is still in control, but really - it's been a rough week.  Along with that warring in our home, LT is not doing too hot in school, although he only needs 2 classes to graduate, I think it would be prudent to do well, or as well as he can! in all of them before college.  You know, as a dress rehearsal kind of thing - eegads he makes me nuts.
The real weird/rough thing is that I received word 3rd party, that my ex-husband has passed away.  This is the most bizzare of things (well in the last 4-5 years, anyway).  I don't know how to feel about it.  Mostly I feel relieved, and at first I felt guilty because of it.  But now, I have decided that it's just a feeling.  I'm relieved that we no longer have to fear that some how, some way, he will find out where we live and show up at our doorstep.  That is how Maggie feels too, and she's the one I'm most relieved for.  LT is just confused about how he feels too.  He remembers him a bit better, as he was 6 the last time he saw the biological donator.  I truly would never change anything that brought me those two kiddos, so I know that somewhere in my past I did have feelings for him, the person I married.  But thankfully, I could see when he was harming us and got out of there before too much more damage could be done.  And for that person, I'm glad we don't have to be in fear any longer.
Jack continues with his passive-aggressive, unreasonableness. It is hard some days to look past the alcoholic in the room and see the man who is kind and caring and loving.  In the last few days, I could have really used the man I married.  Hmmmm I see a pattern here.  My ex was an alcoholic and drug abuser, but I didn't know it until AFTER, much after, I figured out all the other stuff.  I'm so glad I've found Al-Anon.  For all of our sakes.
Let Go and Let God.
One Day at A Time
Serenity Prayer
Thank you God for your faithfulness.
Now on to the next thing...please keep LT in your thoughts - that he may finally "get" the whole lying vs. truth, and honesty is the best etc.  Also, that somehow, with all of this drama, he can really excel as he is capable of so he can feel his future come true.
I'm so exhausted - this life is heavy right now.
Love to all.