Just for Today

Just for today, I'm glad we have a safe, warm home. I'm glad our kids are really very great kids. They have their moments, but they are great. I'm thankful for my family - parents, sibling, what a blessing. Now if I can just keep reminding myself that those are the things that are important, and that I am blessed, I won't focus on what is missing, and wishing for a cure that is not in my control. Just for today, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that my a-h hasn't died from his insane amounts of alcohol he has consumed. There is still hope for him, that he could stop. I am thankful that I found Al-Anon and the great people in it, that showed me I was not alone or crazy.
I need to live just for today. I'm doing what is right for today.

Holidays - They are here

Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted. I really need to be more regular. I have lots I want to say, but it is hard when there are always people around. The Thanksgiving holiday ended up being pleasant - included all the kids, and I am indeed thankful for that. As usual, the weekend conclusion brought back the alcoholic reality. Thanks be to God, that I am not reacting in the same ways this time. I think I have finally realized what detachment looks like. I don't want anything bad to happen to AH, but I am not going to be sucked in to the crazymaking behavior if I can help it at all. We have a home, health, great kids, and I am not going to let his drinking ruin those things as long as I can help it. Thank you to Al-Anon and to gettingthemsober.com for the wisdom and help to find sanity in the midst of insane behavior. There is no way that people who have never lived in this situation can understand. I'm so thankful for understanding. And for prayers. May you all have a great Monday. May we all have a peace that passes all understanding today.

Seeing it play out

I have been reading a lot about secondary alcohol disease, and the progression of alcoholism if untreated in the alcoholic. While it is scary to think about, it is also empowering to see that the changes, the patterns of behavior, the cycles, are part of a disease. Although it is still hard - sometimes I get sucked in to the game of blaming me for the alcoholics problems, knowledge of the disease is power. I saw what was happening, and I stopped. I remembered where my boundaries were. It was amazing. I stopped the panic, the fear. It had now power over me. Thank you Toby Rice Drews for your insightful words and your belief that we shouldn't blame the family. Check out this website: http://www.gettingthemsober.com/ . Although I don't think the title is so accurate - unless (as I've just had a revelation...) it is referring to getting the "family" sober. Hmmm, maybe I just had an epiphany! As we can not get them sober - but we can control our own "sobriety." This has been a big help to me. May it also be to you! God is still in control. Thank goodness! Have a great fall day

A first, and a second...

I'm not quite sure what to call this post. In some ways, it has been a really bad week. But in some ways, more personal, it has been a really good week. It has been the first week where I have truly not lived in a reaction to the way my dear alcoholic has been treating me or acting. I really stepped away - detached - and just lived my life this week. I admit, it was a little scary, but incredibly freeing. I think I finally get the whole detachment idea that I have been struggling with so much. As very much of a people pleaser, it is very difficult to not want to make things all better. In this situation, and many others, I'm realizing, I.can't.do.it.
What a relief. I am not in charge of this person's happiness. While I wish that it was within my power to help, to make things better, it is NOT. I don't have that kind of power. It's really freeing.
On another front, I've also been doing a lot better at not paying any attention to the ramblings of a drunk. They are just words. Words have no power if they are not true. Words that are spoken aloud are not necessarily true. All are new-found ideas to me. I rather enjoy the reality!
Thank you God for showing me your presence this week. I am so thankful for your faithfullness and your care, even when I don't deserve it.

Trust and where to put it

Does anyone ever have the feeling that you are caught in a "Groundhog Day" like life, except instead of the same day going by over and over again, it is the same round of manic, depressive, hurtful, kind, good, manic, depressive, hurtful, kind, good, manic....you get the drift? Is this the only house that deals with this? We are currently in the depressive, hurtful portion of the cycle. I have been reading a great website, Getting Them Sober. There, I have seen many great posts that talk about the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will continue to progress as long as there is ongoing drinking in the alcoholic's life. I am seeing that so clearly in this situation. It is like watching a play by play in real life. I often wondered if one consumed such a quantity of alcohol every single day, if they could ever really have it out of their system. It appears from that website, that it is a valid question, and the answer is no -it is not ever out of their system. While I don't enjoy this cycle anymore, I am finally able to see that it is not my fault, I'm not the cause, the cure or controller. Thank you God for that message. And, the site also discusses how the alcohol really does change the brain chemistry, and that when they act so hateful, it is the alcohol talking, as it has such a hold on the alcoholic...and drives them to drink more, earlier, and greater amounts. And tonight, comes the control portion of the cycle. I'm in control because I can go to bed early and not drink. See I don't have a problem.
Thankfully, I know in whom I can trust, and He is sitting at the right hand of God.

Weary, Remember Detachment, What is Important

I have been trying so hard to do what is in my control and leave the rest. It seems like I'm not doing so well. I guess what I need to remember is detachment with love. Not let the alcoholic's moods and drama rule my life. I can continue to show love, be there if he is ready for change, but really - he's not going to change right now. I know God is in control. Even here. Ultimately, God has to choose the time that is right to show me another choice. I choose to wait patiently (at least that's my goal) on the Lord. His timing is perfect, and He doesn't make mistakes. He is always here for me, I can trust Him. In God is where I choose to put my trust. Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief. thank you for loving me anyway.

Sometimes You Need To Step Back

It seems like ofen times, we get so caught up in our life's drama, the chaos surrounding our family, our alcoholic, others, that we see only a small portion of our world. We see the problems or trials we face as so large - looming over every thought, action, feeling, intruding on all aspects of our life. At times, what we really need to do when feeling overwhelmed, is to step back. See if the things we are seeing as so large are really so important on the grand scheme of life. I have come to find that there is no cloud so dark that God can not see through it. I just have to look toward my God - the light that shines in the darkness. And at times, it feels trite, but it is TRUE. Thank you for family and friends who help to shine God's light. May you see the sky through whatever cloud is obscuring the truth.

My time vs. God's time

There are watches that you can buy that tell time in more than one time zone. I think the world time is available on the internet. I have always wanted to have a watch or link that would tell me where we are in God's time. I know that would defeat the purpose of trusting in our God, and that we can not know what God knows. Sometimes however, it would be fabulous to know that, similar to giving birth to a baby, this period of suffering will END. There is a finite point in time where it will be over. We may not know exactly how long it will last but that baby must come out one way or another. I wish I could know when alcoholism will no longer reign in our household. There are so many ways we are doing better now - having armed ourselves as the family of an alcoholic, with words, wisdom and people who help us understand this disease, but honestly, I am so tired. So very tired. I want to see life through the my Jesus' eyes of hope and compassion. If only I had that watch. I guess I'll just have to settle for trusting Him more and stop trying to fix what I can't.
One day at a time. Thank you God for this beautiful day and your people who are my blessed friends.

The Sun Came Up Today Somewhere...

It's really cloudy here today, but I know behind those clouds is the Sun. Soon it will be out more often, and things will look better. Things always look better in the sun! Thankfully, in life, things are more calm for now. I understand that this is a part of the cycle, but I'm happy to have these days of more calmness. Much better. Even w/kiddos rotating through viruses, at least there is calm once in a while. Spring come soon - I'm ready to get my hands dirty!

One Day at A Time, Let Go & Let God

We have been in this cycle of insanity for almost two weeks now. It is starting to get worse. The alcoholic is now treating the kids badly too. Who is it that thinks it is okay to just opt out of the life you sought. You no longer have any responsibilities or worries - you can just stop??? I guess that is an alcoholic's brain that thinks like that. Well, the focus is to be on the day at hand. If you think too much about the insanity you are in, you will in fact go insane. It is supposed to snow today - I say God, open your doors of snow and let it fall. Bring some beauty to this ugly world. Cover all the ugliness and dirtiness with beautiful whiteness. It can be so crisp and delightful. Remember to laugh with the children's laughs - to love them no matter what is going on around. Even if our home is no longer a haven - our family is a haven where we are still loved. Thank you God for that. God, I have asked for whatever it takes to get the alcoholic's attention, to bring him healing. I pray now that you will give me the strength through your holy spirit to wait upon you with complete trust and patience. The alcoholic is going to do what ever he is going to do. I am helpless, but not hopeless.

What does Normal look like when Normal is Crazy?

We spend a lot of time focusing on the fact that life with an Alcoholic is crazy, but this craziness has become normal to us. When we start focusing on our own behavior, crazy as well, and trying to normalize our responses to a crazy situation - it has been hard for me to know what Normal looks like. Do you feel like that too? It has been a very rough last four days. While my alcoholic is not drinking daily at the moment, the two days of the weekend when he did, just proves even more that not drinking every day is not curing of alcohoolism. He immediately went right back to old behaviors after the 5th beer (plus sized of course, then he doesn't have to buy the case, thereby rationalizing only 12...and it goes on and on and on...). This time though, I said - good night. It was healthy for me. I think my being not emotional and trying to get him to stop, come to bed, etc. has screwed up his routine, and he has been moping for days. I say whatever. At least for today, right now. I can't control his behavior in any way, I can only control my reactions to him. Maybe it's time for a break from the cycle for me. I hope I can remember my higher power is in control, and I am not. That is a key for me.
Have a good day, and if you come read my random thoughts, please let me know. Prayers for you and my family as well....

Alcoholism sucks

So I've been thinking about blogging for so long. It's been a short but long time coming. Living with an alcoholic is so draining. I want somewhere to talk about it. I hope that I can stay focused on the positive things. I love my Al-Anon group. They are an amazing group of people who always have something good to say - a way to make it seem like there is light in the world. But sometimes, the chaos and constant roller coaster ride are too much. It is so hard to come home from church to find out I've been a horrible wife the past 3 months, and my husband wants nothing to do with me, but yesterday when I got up I was sweetie, and loved and cherished. What happened to that person? Is it wrong to want a time of calm? I never knew anyone like this before. Why did I have to be sucked in and never get a view of what I was getting until after marriage, after my children love this man as the father they never had, after I love the other children as if I'd given birth to them. It is so not fair. I thank God that He is in control and I am not. He loves us more than I love any of my family, a concept I sometimes can't really get, but I have to belive. I have to believe that He can do immeasurably more than I can ask and believe. I have to. Otherwise, I couldn't get up in the morning.
I hope you'll comment if you're reading this. Bless you.