What Amazing Kids

So yesterday was big progress for me and for the kiddos.  I know they are old enough to have done this before, but they haven't.  They rode public transportation from our house to my office to save me an hour of lost work time.  They don't have to change busses or anything, but still, I was a little worried.  They made it fine, and were in my office when I got back from a meeting. Of course, I didn't know they were there, they shouted (quietly) "Boo" and scared the crap out of me, but it made them laugh.  It was good. 
Then, once we got home, they each wanted to put up their own blinds in their rooms, and I decided - why not - they'll ask for help if they need it. I was right there with them and the did it ALL by themselves - each in his/her own room.  I was so proud of them.  I had to give a small bit of direction, but VERY little, and the did it.  I'm glad they had that sense of accomplishment.  I think I'm going to try some more things like this.  It is good to see them growing up and being self-reliant.
Long meeting at work today, not looking forward to it.  Oh well, it will be over before I know it.  Hope you have a great day.  Joyful morning with beautiful sun. 

Who Knew?

Okay, so we are enjoying the stay-cation very much. But I'm exhausted!  Who knew it would be so much work to have fun.  So far, we've had ice cream at our favorite out-of-town frozen custard, bought blinds for the kiddos' rooms, eaten a great dinner at our favorite restaurant, been to Target and the chiropractor.  We've gotten home at about 8 pm the last 2 nights, and I'm not used to all this running around!  LOL.  But, it has been great to see the kids decompress.   I see what amazing young adults we have living with us.  They really are great people.  Abby will be home tomorrow night, so I'll have to cook, but that's okay.  Maybe it will be relaxing to be AT home! 
Ironically, one of my favorite things has been sending the kids to "bed," and then watching what I want on the television.  So far, there have been no sightings of cops, courtrooms or sports.  I call that perfection.

Freedom - for today

Well, Jack is gone for a few days, and I'm pretty darn excited about it.  He gave me the best hug and goodbye I've had in months.  He even wore his wedding ring. When I get home tonight, it will be so nice to know that the kids will be there, the dog will be there, and we will have a good evening. No one will be drinking.  Yippee!  I may even enjoy a glass of wine one day this week.  Now that's something unusual.  I feel bad, a little tiny bit, about feeling so joyful, but really, it's just a break, and I think we all needed one.
Last week I read a fantastic book, in one afternoon, actually, it's called If You Loved Me, You'd Stop.  It was SO good.  It really captured so much good information in one book about alcoholism.  It gave me some great things to point out, especially to L.T., who seems to get the brunt of Jack's ridiculous expectations and flippant anger.  After the last few weeks, I really do see very clearly that God has a purpose for this time in our lives.  I told L.T. that God will use this for a purpose.  We just can't see what that is yet.
I'm so thankful for good resources, for the help and experiences and thoughts others share, via Al-Anon or other blogs.  I just wish the kiddos had Ala-Teen nearby.  It would be so helpful for them.  I guess they get theirs from me, on good days.
Abby has really been struggling as the semester wraps up.  Between her mom's issues, her brother's guilt-tripping from a federal institution and the alcoholic dad, it's no wonder she's a wreck.  I am so glad she's gone to church with me for the last three weeks, and she wants to go back this week.  It is SO good for her, even for 90 minutes, to hear nothing but positive and encouraging words and music. 
If you are the praying type, please pray for all of the kids. Maggie seems to "suffer" the least, but even she just wants her daddy to hug on her sometimes.  L.T. needs to get his act together and understand that he needs to focus to get through high school and get to college.  He's SO intelligent, it drives me nuts that he's so laissez-faire about his homework/grades.  And at what point did I ever indicate homework was an optional exercise....grrrrrrr!  I hope he will get a job this summer.  I want him to have a positive experience where he can gain some independence and confidence.  Lord Willing!
I'll keep you updated on our excitement this week.  Hoping to get a few house-hold fixes done, and eat some good meals!  That I don't have to Cook!  We'll be the ones partying...lol.
Take Care!

Stopping the bad habits

I'm really struggling with some anxiety.  I'm not sure if it's due to a change in medication or the couple of child-related situations that have happened recently, but I don't like this feeling.  Yesterday I realized that I was freaking out about things that were completely not in my ability  to cause, control or cure, and apologized to Jack for being so stressed lately.  His reaction was to be completely pissy and say that he's the one who receives the brunt of it - even if I'm not upset with him - angry with me. 
First, I cried.  I really just wanted to be hugged, and hear that it's okay - the kids have been draining lately.  But we're okay and we'll all make it.  Instead I got that. 
Second, I thought - wait a minute - What am I doing?  Am I glad I stopped stressing?  Have I made amends as was in my control?  Yes, and Yes.
Third, I got up, went downstairs with a smile on my face and began working on my knitting.  I was in such good spirits.  It felt good.
It is so easy to fall back into the poor-pitiful me attitude of the co-dependency.  I'm so glad I went to my Al-Anon meeting, shared, and got hugs from my friends there.  They even told me how they can see so many changes for the good in me.  That is where I want my validation from - from healthy friends who care.  I like when Jack can do that, but when his disease won't let him, I'm not going to let that stop me from being me and being happy.
Seeking joy.  Every day.  In the every day.

A brief rant, and some Joy

I've decided that growing up, we must have been lucky to survive to adulthood.  Some of the people I'm around today, seriously, get a life.  You are 21 years old, life isn't always neat and pretty.  People aren't always nice. Things don't always go your way.  Grow up and get on with it. 
This rant was brought to you by the evil stepmother. Thank you for your understanding!
ARRGGHHH!

Okay, now that I have that out of the way, carry on.  I love spring, and I'm so glad that everything is blooming.  Lilacs!!  Woo hoo, everywhere.  I have such great friends, and have "met" some fabulous internet people.  God is good, and Joy is where we look for it.  I love this saying, "Joy is always a function of gratitude and gratitude is always a function of perspective.  If we are going to change our lives, what we're going to have to change is the way we see." Ann Voskamp

I'm going to be purposeful today in seeing Joy.  I hope you have some visible to you as well.

Life is Hard

Here we are, almost done with March.  Lately, it's been very hard for me to keep in mind the truth - that God created Jack and LT and that He knows them and has them in the palm of His hand.  I know I'm powerless to make either of their choices for them, albiet in different areas, but the same hard truth remains - they are hurting themselves.  I am not a fan of watching this. It's far worse when it's our son, I must admit.  But I know God has BIG plans for him, and this too shall pass.  I began to wonder what would happen if I did decide it was time to leave.  I know financially, it would be challenging, and I know we would all miss the times when things are good.  But the assurance that we can KNOW what would happen at the end of each day what is that worth?  These are scary thoughts to me.  I truly do believe God has shown me in the past that staying is the right thing to do.  But are these problems with LT a sign something different is needed? 
I wish I knew the answer today.

Rambling rose...

There are so many thoughts going through my mind.  I find that I just want to focus on the positive.  I have had some chances to choose otherwise, and I can't do it.  I see the blessings, and I want to rejoice in them.  This world is so far from perfect, and I am going to look for all the good I can find.  When I find horrible things that I have to face, I will do so and look for what God is doing in that imperfection.  God has a great sense of humor and justice, and I believe that because of all I've seen in this life.  And living with 2 teenagers and almost 2 high schoolers is even more confirmation of that!  They are wonderful children, but have adapted so easily to those characteristics that teenagers are known for.  (Can anyone say rolling the eyes and sighing??)
What do I see today?  How about a list!
- Sunshine and 76 degrees in March  in the mid-west...for about the 4th day in a row.
- Lunch with my BFF - thank you God for bringing her to work here!
- Healthy kids who call me when they get home from school, who want to eat dinner at the family table, who help out at home, even though sometimes reluctantly and needing to be reminded. We are blessed.
- Thank you God for a sense of humor because this insanity that is my life can sometimes be overwhelming.  Thanks for the good sense to laugh when I recognize something for the insanity that it is....case in point, letter from Jake.  To me.  After not seeing me for 5 years.  Maybe even 6.  And he apologizes to me, for what, I'm not sure.  And in letters from him to Jack, there is never any apology, only poor me, what you've done to me.  Makes me want to scream!  But I laugh.  The irony is not lost on me!
This is slightly rambling - oh well.  That's where I am today.