So the turmoil between Jack and LT continues. It is like being in a small hole with a live grenade. I'm over it, and don't understand why they can't just get along. But that's not to be. So I keep praying. And I know God is still in control, but really - it's been a rough week. Along with that warring in our home, LT is not doing too hot in school, although he only needs 2 classes to graduate, I think it would be prudent to do well, or as well as he can! in all of them before college. You know, as a dress rehearsal kind of thing - eegads he makes me nuts.
The real weird/rough thing is that I received word 3rd party, that my ex-husband has passed away. This is the most bizzare of things (well in the last 4-5 years, anyway). I don't know how to feel about it. Mostly I feel relieved, and at first I felt guilty because of it. But now, I have decided that it's just a feeling. I'm relieved that we no longer have to fear that some how, some way, he will find out where we live and show up at our doorstep. That is how Maggie feels too, and she's the one I'm most relieved for. LT is just confused about how he feels too. He remembers him a bit better, as he was 6 the last time he saw the biological donator. I truly would never change anything that brought me those two kiddos, so I know that somewhere in my past I did have feelings for him, the person I married. But thankfully, I could see when he was harming us and got out of there before too much more damage could be done. And for that person, I'm glad we don't have to be in fear any longer.
Jack continues with his passive-aggressive, unreasonableness. It is hard some days to look past the alcoholic in the room and see the man who is kind and caring and loving. In the last few days, I could have really used the man I married. Hmmmm I see a pattern here. My ex was an alcoholic and drug abuser, but I didn't know it until AFTER, much after, I figured out all the other stuff. I'm so glad I've found Al-Anon. For all of our sakes.
Let Go and Let God.
One Day at A Time
Serenity Prayer
Thank you God for your faithfulness.
Now on to the next thing...please keep LT in your thoughts - that he may finally "get" the whole lying vs. truth, and honesty is the best etc. Also, that somehow, with all of this drama, he can really excel as he is capable of so he can feel his future come true.
I'm so exhausted - this life is heavy right now.
Love to all.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Looking Back, Looking Forward - Happy New Year
I really don't care for the holidays anymore. Pretty much after my ex-husband punched me in the face in the car in front of our children on the way to his parents' house, my view of them went steadily down hill. Since that year, there have been bad holidays with a capital B (as if that weren't the worst one...) and there have been good holidays. There have been times I've really felt the nearness of God and the world looked pretty good. Remarkably this was more of the pretty good variety. Even with having to dish out about six grand on 3 home/appliance/features that are required for 1st world living - or even 2nd world living. There weren't any big gifts or fancy celebrations. It was just calm, mostly.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year. The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me. I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic. But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem. You don't need to pick it up. Set it back down and let him deal with his issue." I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting. Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles. He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.
Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year. The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me. I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic. But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem. You don't need to pick it up. Set it back down and let him deal with his issue." I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting. Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles. He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.
Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.
Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, safe and peaceful new year.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Twice in one day?
I saw this and thought it summed up the week perfectly. But they still ask me what's for dinner. Every.Single.Day.
At least I can laugh!
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
This year, I've been asked and asked what I want for Christmas. It seems like it gets harder and harder for me to figure out what I want. Maybe it's because I've gotten older and wiser, and now I know that what I'd really like can't be bought or even brought down the chimney. It's been a real heck of a year, some things good, some things not so good, and here we are looking back.Santa, I've been a really good girl, and thanks for thinking of me, but really, I just want the peace that passes understanding. And, mostly, I've got that when I can lay down my need to control, or at least the delusion of control. God is so good, and I see Him at work even in the midst of the trials we face.
I would like to help my friend who is suffering the loss of her son. I'd like my husband to get sober. Not just quit drinking, but really get sober. It would be fabulous if my son could get the grades that truly reflect his intelligence and ability. I'd like for my children to feel the love and adoration of a father more days than they feel cast aside by him. I'd like for my best friend to not have money worries every day. I'd like children to stop dying of cancer and being shot by people who are crazy. I'd like our government to make more sense and better choices.
Yep, it sounds like I'm delusional. Oh well, Santa. I guess I'll just have to settle for the furnace and refrigerator that were so kind to go out on the same day.
But thanks for reminding me that the best gifts don't cost a thing.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Bad Things Happen to Good People
It has been a long week. The whole full moon is usually enough, that and the constant ongoing pissing match between Jack and LT. One would think that could be enough. But last weekend, everything got put into perspective because a dear friend lost her son in a fire. He was overcome by smoke. He was graduating in one month from college - the first of her children to do so. He was the kind of son you dream of - kind, thoughtful, handsome, smart, friendly, loving. He had accepted a great job in a fun new town - far enough away to be on his own, but close enough to drive there to visit, and always be home for the holdiays. Except this is not going to be like any other holiday season before or after. He's gone. God works in such amazing ways to draw her friends close to her, family already is blessedly close in both distance and emotionally. My heart breaks over and over every day for her loss.
But this experience has helped me to see that what is important isn't whether Jack agrees with all of LTs actions. It isn't even if Jack ever stops drinking. It is the fact that our children are here, they are mostly healthy, and we have each other. Not that these family members of mine are making it easy to stay focused on that...they love to push the envelope of my sanity. LT has been accepted by 3 colleges. He seems to think that his last year of grades don't matter now. I wish that were true, but I don't think that's the case. Jack is having another hoarder recovery moment. Who knows what we'll be getting rid of this time. So far, it has been the past tendency to get rid of a few small things, like 3 of his, then for him to tell me that I have too much junk. So the cabinets of displayed items of his stay right where they are and I get rid of everything that's not nailed down that didn't belong to my grandmothers, and in 6-9 months we'll be right back here again.
Ironically he always asks me why we keep repeating these same cycles....hmmmmm, let me see - could I make an educated guess? Yeah, well, he's not going to hear anything coming from my mouth, so I just say - well, it seems like this happens each fall. Why do you think that is? To which he never has an answer. I still don't think he sees this as anything other than my problem. Oh well, that's okay. I do see the truth, and when I keep making changes for me, things get better for a longer stretch of time. And that is good for me.
In the end, I'm afraid that his body will start to suffer the effects of this long-term alcohol abuse. I don't want him to suffer, but I can't lift that burden from him.
Hope you take this day and find an amazing gift from God. There are no promises of tomorrow, and I choose to keep looking for the good.
But this experience has helped me to see that what is important isn't whether Jack agrees with all of LTs actions. It isn't even if Jack ever stops drinking. It is the fact that our children are here, they are mostly healthy, and we have each other. Not that these family members of mine are making it easy to stay focused on that...they love to push the envelope of my sanity. LT has been accepted by 3 colleges. He seems to think that his last year of grades don't matter now. I wish that were true, but I don't think that's the case. Jack is having another hoarder recovery moment. Who knows what we'll be getting rid of this time. So far, it has been the past tendency to get rid of a few small things, like 3 of his, then for him to tell me that I have too much junk. So the cabinets of displayed items of his stay right where they are and I get rid of everything that's not nailed down that didn't belong to my grandmothers, and in 6-9 months we'll be right back here again.
Ironically he always asks me why we keep repeating these same cycles....hmmmmm, let me see - could I make an educated guess? Yeah, well, he's not going to hear anything coming from my mouth, so I just say - well, it seems like this happens each fall. Why do you think that is? To which he never has an answer. I still don't think he sees this as anything other than my problem. Oh well, that's okay. I do see the truth, and when I keep making changes for me, things get better for a longer stretch of time. And that is good for me.
In the end, I'm afraid that his body will start to suffer the effects of this long-term alcohol abuse. I don't want him to suffer, but I can't lift that burden from him.
Hope you take this day and find an amazing gift from God. There are no promises of tomorrow, and I choose to keep looking for the good.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Life Continues
So many days I think of so much I want to write - then daily life gets in the way, and I'm tired, and it's sleep or turn on the computer and I choose sleep.
Much has gone on, and yet nothing changes. Other things change so much, I can't keep up.
Here's a list...
1. Mom has done fabulous with her knee replacement - now looking forward to the second one. You can't keep her down much - reminds me of Judy! Hopefully this one will go as smoothly and she'll be a new woman.
2. LT has turned 18. I really can't believe it. Still. We went to two out-of-state colleges last weekend and he liked them both. But he can't seem to get up for high school - so I struggle with him spending more than $25,000 per year at an out-of-state school - if he's going to sleep through half of it. Grrr. I'm trying to let go of this and hope that God is working on him at HIS pace and in HIS time, this will stop being such an issue. He's driving with his grandpa and some with me while we were gone - I'm pretty sure I won't be encouraging him to get his license just yet. There was some careening onto highway ramps that caused me alarm. I think he feels like it's a video game - and it is NOT!
3. Abby has a job, a place of her own, and broke up with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. That was a good decision, but I don't know if she's going to keep it that way. He's needy and she likes to have someone to caretake, so we'll see. Job seems to be going really well. I think she needs to know herself before she can be ready to know if she's in love, but that's just me. I sound like such an old codger!
4. Maggie continues to bop along, turning 16 soon. FRIGHTENING - can you say dating at age 30 - maybe! So far, her seeing the brother all the time shows her what boys are really like, so she's not interested yet - but when she is - oh man, look out. She's very cute and spunky, and she has a mind of her own. Look out boys!
5. Jack continues as usual. Some days are good and somedays are hard and today is one of them. Currently he's not talking to me about being angry that I don't fix LT and his habitual lateness. But I'm not supposed to wake him up. So there is that problem. I just go on with life, and shoot for being the wife God calls me to be and not be reactive to how he chooses to act - either good or bad - just be myself. Usually works pretty well, but we've both been sick for the last week, so it has been trying :-) To say the least.
As others have noted, the change of weather for fall, especially with the wet, cold, damp weather, doesn't help anything. We change times on Saturday, so hopefully that will at least allow some light to be present when we are actually out and about.
God knows the plan, and I trust Him in all things.
Hanging on to Him.
Enjoy the sunshine when you see it,
WGO
Much has gone on, and yet nothing changes. Other things change so much, I can't keep up.
Here's a list...
1. Mom has done fabulous with her knee replacement - now looking forward to the second one. You can't keep her down much - reminds me of Judy! Hopefully this one will go as smoothly and she'll be a new woman.
2. LT has turned 18. I really can't believe it. Still. We went to two out-of-state colleges last weekend and he liked them both. But he can't seem to get up for high school - so I struggle with him spending more than $25,000 per year at an out-of-state school - if he's going to sleep through half of it. Grrr. I'm trying to let go of this and hope that God is working on him at HIS pace and in HIS time, this will stop being such an issue. He's driving with his grandpa and some with me while we were gone - I'm pretty sure I won't be encouraging him to get his license just yet. There was some careening onto highway ramps that caused me alarm. I think he feels like it's a video game - and it is NOT!
3. Abby has a job, a place of her own, and broke up with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. That was a good decision, but I don't know if she's going to keep it that way. He's needy and she likes to have someone to caretake, so we'll see. Job seems to be going really well. I think she needs to know herself before she can be ready to know if she's in love, but that's just me. I sound like such an old codger!
4. Maggie continues to bop along, turning 16 soon. FRIGHTENING - can you say dating at age 30 - maybe! So far, her seeing the brother all the time shows her what boys are really like, so she's not interested yet - but when she is - oh man, look out. She's very cute and spunky, and she has a mind of her own. Look out boys!
5. Jack continues as usual. Some days are good and somedays are hard and today is one of them. Currently he's not talking to me about being angry that I don't fix LT and his habitual lateness. But I'm not supposed to wake him up. So there is that problem. I just go on with life, and shoot for being the wife God calls me to be and not be reactive to how he chooses to act - either good or bad - just be myself. Usually works pretty well, but we've both been sick for the last week, so it has been trying :-) To say the least.
As others have noted, the change of weather for fall, especially with the wet, cold, damp weather, doesn't help anything. We change times on Saturday, so hopefully that will at least allow some light to be present when we are actually out and about.
God knows the plan, and I trust Him in all things.
Hanging on to Him.
Enjoy the sunshine when you see it,
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
It's a Great Day in the Neighborhood
I've been such a bad blogger. It's been almost 2 months or more since I've written anything. And now, summer is almost over. I was thinking this morning that God has been so good, and I need to recognize that "out loud" or in writing.
Nothing is perfect, but things are more calm on many fronts. After a mission trip with Maggie and Abby, and LT on his own mission trip that left Jack and the wonder-dog home alone, we've had good days. Not alcohol-free days by any means, but good days, nonetheless. Before that were some good days as well. We've survived a visit from my in-laws (a first in 6 years!!), a job being secured by Abby, the promise of a driving permit for LT, and tennis lessons for Maggie. Wow, and it's only the end of July!!
I love to see what God is doing. He's working on our family. Perhaps not as quickly as I'd like, but I do see progress. After summer school, LT has his grades up to where he could be eligible for some scholarships - that would be WONDERFUL! And Abby and Maggie are working well together as Abby prepares for her new job. Abby's mom is not being particularly fabulous at the moment, but that's pretty typical.
Our mission trip was fantastic. We had great weather (warmer at home than on a tropical island!), no rain, great friends made and a blessing of worship at their local church. I love when we can shout to the hills and worship my God!
The sunset tonight was so beautiful. I hope I can find a photo of it to share. I'll even post a second time today if I find it!
Please pray for my mama. She'll be having knee replacement surgery in the coming days. I know she needs it, but it's scary to see that your mom isn't indestructable. I just tell her she's coming out as Wonder Woman, 2.0.
God's blessings to you.
WGO
Nothing is perfect, but things are more calm on many fronts. After a mission trip with Maggie and Abby, and LT on his own mission trip that left Jack and the wonder-dog home alone, we've had good days. Not alcohol-free days by any means, but good days, nonetheless. Before that were some good days as well. We've survived a visit from my in-laws (a first in 6 years!!), a job being secured by Abby, the promise of a driving permit for LT, and tennis lessons for Maggie. Wow, and it's only the end of July!!
I love to see what God is doing. He's working on our family. Perhaps not as quickly as I'd like, but I do see progress. After summer school, LT has his grades up to where he could be eligible for some scholarships - that would be WONDERFUL! And Abby and Maggie are working well together as Abby prepares for her new job. Abby's mom is not being particularly fabulous at the moment, but that's pretty typical.
Our mission trip was fantastic. We had great weather (warmer at home than on a tropical island!), no rain, great friends made and a blessing of worship at their local church. I love when we can shout to the hills and worship my God!
The sunset tonight was so beautiful. I hope I can find a photo of it to share. I'll even post a second time today if I find it!
Please pray for my mama. She'll be having knee replacement surgery in the coming days. I know she needs it, but it's scary to see that your mom isn't indestructable. I just tell her she's coming out as Wonder Woman, 2.0.
God's blessings to you.
WGO
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