There are days when I just don't think I can go on one more day. Today I faced the fact that LT missed the bus AGAIN - with 2 days left of school. This could mean in-school suspension and missing a final. How could I allow this to happen - I feel like such a failure. But you know what, my consequences haven't had an impact on getting that 17 y-o boy out of bed. Maybe some more drastic school consequences will make a difference. Maybe not. That's the thing about boys - sometimes your bottom of the barrel isn't theirs.
And really, in the grand scheme of things, he's a good kid, almost a senior, holds a job and is very kind to others (except his sisters, on occasion), and wants to participate in mission trips and volunteers at church. And I know God has prepared him for exactly the right path. He just likes to sleep in!
There are days I don't think I can take one more day of Jack's drinking. I get so tired of working my program, remembering that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. It gets so old hearing his comments about how much this woman or that woman wants him. I have learned to not let it sit in my head and beat me down, to realize he's insecure and it's not about me, but I just get so tired. I get so tired of having to be the one who realizes that I need to make changes. But then I realize how much Al-Anon and other friends have helped me to be the person I am today. I'm not so afraid any more. Fear doesn't rule my every thought. I'm strong, I'm a child of God, and I'm loved. I have good kids, a great dog, and amazing friends (see Louise!!). Then Jack will hold me and say how thankful he is that I put up with him. How glad he is that I'm his wife, and I know - absolutely KNOW that God is here in the midst of this chaos and He's working in it. And that's enough for me.
There are days I can't bear the thought of Abby moving back home after college. Her lack of desire to be on her own, being responsible and being with a boy that she has said pushed her. If that is what she told us about, then it was worse and she's now thinking of living with him. But it's not my battle to fight. I can say all the truth in the world, but she's 21 and she has to make her own mistakes, I guess. Then she will tell me that she wants me to go shopping with her, not her mom, because I always make her feel pretty when we're done. And I cry for the part of her that hears discouragement from her mom. And I know God is here.
There are days when I can't stand that Maggie is a chatterbox and wants to be in my personal space and always hug me or hang on me or hold my hand. She is dramatic and has attitude and sasses me and wants my help but doesn't want to take it. She tells me to stop watching her when she's playing soccer and makes a mistake. Like it's my fault. But then I remember that she's 15 and it's her job to be dramatic, and sassy. I remember that there will come a day when she will be too busy with a boy to hug me, and her life will be filled with college and friends and sports and work, and I'll be without her smile and quick with. And I know God is going to do big things with this girl.
There are days when I miss my grandma so much that it hurts. Even after 5 years. It feels like yesterday.
There are days when I want to hide under the covers and not come out. To be left alone and not have to deal with all this mess. But then I realize how fortunate I am. I have a home that wasn't flattened in a tornado, I have a husband who holds a job and loves us all in the best way he can, and sometimes we get to see it. I have children who are safe and healthy and smart and loving. My parents and sister are healthy and safe and we all love each other. We know how to laugh.
There are days when I thank God for all that I have and more importantly all the love in my life. Those are the best days of all.
