What an Adventure

Road trip 101.  First things first.  LT & I are on a road trip to visit the college of his choice that is about 600 miles from home.  It has been quite the adventure so far.  The first thing I learned – always bring an atlas.  Google maps and apple maps may be readily available on your phone, but they are not always the best indicators of the actual route you should take.  When in the world did we start listening to a machine to tell us where to go??!?  I’m firmly convinced that those things are updated by Scooter and Moron in the back room of an un-named tech company where they have been spending their days on drinking or smoking pot!  I kid.  I’m sure those products work fantastically.  However, I’m also certain that the people who wrote the code for them have never been inside the state of Missouri.  They can’t possibly know what they are doing.  We were driving around rural Missouri for 2 hours before I said enough – get back to a main highway!   Then, miraculously we found the western edge of Missouri and were on our way…I was so frustrated.  At least we were listening to Jim Gaffigan who had me laughing so hard I was crying.  Finally a good reason to cry. 

I’ve been having a rough time.  I’m not sure if it is all the change with LT, tiring of the drama with Jack’s drinking/alcoholism, my own hormones or what.  I cry all of the time. Over nothing.  Over everything.  I’m trying some changes to my antidepressants, so hopefully that will help SOON.

I’m currently trying to relax while LT is off at the U bonding with his fellow freshmen.  I hope it will work – for both of our sakes.  I do think he is in the write place.  After the orientation yesterday, I feel confident that he can thrive here.  Succeed.  Not just make it.  As long as he takes advantage of every opportunity for help that they offer, he will flourish.  That is my prayer for him. 

Back after a Brief Techology Free Weekend

I just spent the weekend free of Technology, and it was so lovely.  It was a beautiful day Friday, and had the day off work so I was pampered!  I no longer have the gray hair that belies my young age...haha.  So now I continue with my 100 listing, and I'll try to do 20 just to be self-disciplined and all...

     21.  While living with an Alcoholic is not something I would wish on anyone, there are still more days of blessings than of curses.  I'm thankful for that.
     22.  There is very often an irony in people's lives that they don't see - case in point - Jack so wants - still at mid-50s - his father's approval.  His father is never going to show it in the way Jack needs to see it.  Every day LT wants Jack's approval.  Jack is never going to show it in the way LT needs to see it.  I hope LT hears me and knows that we love him no matter what - his worth is not based on his performance.
     23.  I still love to garden and am so thankful that we have the space in our yard for flowers and beauty.
     24.  Watching your children grow up is hard.  Much more difficult than being overwhelmed when they were small.  If only you could know that when they are small. 
     25.  I still wonder how two (or more) children can start out with the same 2 parents and come out so completely different, act with completely differing sets of morals and actions.  They experienced the same parenting, yet are wired nothing alike.
     26.  Just when you think winter will never end, spring arrives.  What a relief.
     27.  The unconditional love of a dog is an amazing gift.
     28.  God will work things out in a better way than you can possibly imagine, if you can be patient and trust that He knows what He's doing.  And with the exception of your own actions/reactions, you are not in control.  At All.  Ever.
     29.  There was a time when I thought I could protect my children from any harm.  I was wrong.
     30.  I was also wrong about my ability to change someone else.
     31.  It's awesome to see God working in the everyday.
     32.  Once upon a time, we lived with no television.  It was wonderful.
     33.  It was during that time that my love of reading grew into a passion.
     34.  What you put into your mind definitely affects what you feel in your heart.
     35.  You have to laugh or you will cry.  Laughter is always better.
     36.  "Make hay while the sun's shining" is kind of an ironic saying to me since the only time hay baling is ever done seems to be the hottest, most humid day(s) of the year.
     37.  Why are there Braille letters on a drive-up ATM?
     38.  Naps are wasted on children.  The parents are the ones who need the naps - still.
     39.  Seeing your children performing music is a gift.  Don't take it for granted.
     40.  Knowing how to have a conversation with people face to face seems to be a dying art.  Let's practice it more often.

Okay, that's all I've got for today.  In case you're wondering, that leaves 60 more bits of knowledge left for me to impart.  It's like I'm some kind of oracle.  Ha ha ha ha.
Have a great Monday.

100th Post!! Who would have thought?

Wow - this is my 100th Post!!  I can't believe it.  I don't write nearly as often as I think of things, nor as often as I'd like to, but here it is, my 100th post.  Most times, it seems that when a blogger reaches 100 posts, they do a give-away or something.  I wonder if I should do that.  Unless you like a knit hat or a baby blanket or something, you'd probably just as soon that I not give away stuff.  I think I'll just do a list of 100 random thoughts.  With numbers, and it may take me a few days, but here we go.

1. There are amazing people in the world who we can "meet" without ever seeing each other.  Interwebs - amazing!
2. It's sometimes easier to reveal yourself to complete strangers than your own family.  My reader(s) are an especially kind and caring bunch.
3. When you look for bad stuff in your life you find it.  And it drags you down.
4. When you look for God's miracles in your life - you see them!  And it gives you hope for another hour or day or minute.
5. When you don't share your thoughts with a caring someone, you continue to believe the lies that bang about inside your head.
6. We treat each other much better than we treat ourselves.  We offer grace, compassion, understanding, forgiveness to neighbors, friends, loved ones.  We often beat ourselves up over our mistakes, shortcomings, choices.  Love yourself as you love your neighbor - that goes both ways!
7. While we are so busy getting through the day, years are blowing by, and with them, children grow up, parents grow older, and we don't recognize it until something stops us in our tracks.  We need to be present in the moment.
8. God is not done with me yet.  I'm not as bad as my last mistake nor am I as good as my last accomplishment.  There's always room for improvement.
9. Trying to fill your heart with stuff, people, things, food, anything other than the God of my understanding will always end in disappointment, and that empty feeling that doesn't go away.
10. When you stop for just a moment, there is beauty - just look!

 

Bleeding Heart 2014 - my very own garden

More to come.....and thank you for reading just this post - or all 100!

....closing that chapter

LT and I made the trip over to his biological chromosome donator's funeral last night.  Maggie didn't want to go, and I saw no reason she should, so we were by ourselves.  Not going to lie - a little bit nervous.  In the end, after much prayer and covering by others in prayer - there was grace in the whole situation.  We were welcomed with love and hugs by those who loved us before, and even some who weren't so loving.  LT was able to say goodbye to the person who left so long ago.  And I think some healing was done by all.
If it weren't for my experiences in Al-Anon and with all the caring people in my home group, I know I couldn't have driven to that town, let alone entered the place with LT.  So thankful for forgiveness, healing, and grace.  That is what we all hope to offer and be offered in this life.
So today, I look with grace upon Jack.  Praying some day that he will feel it and be able to return it.
So proud of LT and what a kind, thoughtful young man he is.  Truly blessed.


art.by.WifeGoesOn

 

Thankfully, it feels okay.  It feels like we can close that chapter of our life.  Our hurts, our fears, our tears, our pain.  All of it is behind us now.  We no longer have to live in fear that he will show up and want something from any of us.  I'm thankful for God's protection all this time, and what we now have for today and every day after this.




Looking Back, Looking Forward - Happy New Year

I really don't care for the holidays anymore.  Pretty much after my ex-husband punched me in the face in the car in front of our children on the way to his parents' house, my view of them went steadily down hill.   Since that year, there have been bad holidays with a capital B (as if that weren't the worst one...) and there have been good holidays.  There have been times I've really felt the nearness of God and the world looked pretty good.  Remarkably this was more of the pretty good variety.  Even with having to dish out about six grand on 3 home/appliance/features that are required for 1st world living - or even 2nd world living.  There weren't any big gifts or fancy celebrations.  It was just calm, mostly.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year.  The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me.  I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic.  But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem.  You don't need to pick it up.  Set it back down and let him deal with his issue."  I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting.  Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles.  He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.

Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.

 

Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, safe and peaceful new year.

There are DAYS...

Today, I want to be part of Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say. 
There are days when I just don't think I can go on one more day. Today I faced the fact that LT missed the bus AGAIN - with 2 days left of school.  This could mean in-school suspension and missing a final.  How could I allow this to happen - I feel like such a failure.  But you know what, my consequences haven't had an impact on getting that 17 y-o boy out of bed.  Maybe some more drastic school consequences will make a difference.  Maybe not.  That's the thing about boys - sometimes your bottom of the barrel isn't theirs. 

And really, in the grand scheme of things, he's a good kid, almost a senior, holds a job and is very kind to others (except his sisters, on occasion), and wants to participate in mission trips and volunteers at church. And I know God has prepared him for exactly the right path.  He just likes to sleep in!

There are days I don't think I can take one more day of Jack's drinking.  I get so tired of working my program, remembering that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.  It gets so old hearing his comments about how much this woman or that woman wants him.  I have learned to not let it sit in my head and beat me down, to realize he's insecure and it's not about me, but I just get so tired.  I get so tired of having to be the one who realizes that I need to make changes.  But then I realize how much Al-Anon and other friends have helped me to be the person I am today.  I'm not so afraid any more.  Fear doesn't rule my every thought. I'm strong, I'm a child of God, and I'm loved.  I have good kids, a great dog, and amazing friends (see Louise!!).  Then Jack will hold me and say how thankful he is that I put up with him.  How glad he is that I'm his wife, and I know - absolutely KNOW that God is here in the midst of this chaos and He's working in it.  And that's enough for me.

There are days I can't bear the thought of Abby moving back home after college.  Her lack of desire to be on her own, being responsible and being with a boy that she has said pushed her.  If that is what she told us about, then it was worse and she's now thinking of living with him.  But it's not my battle to fight.  I can say all the truth in the world, but she's 21 and she has to make her own mistakes, I guess.  Then she will tell me that she wants me to go shopping with her, not her mom, because I always make her feel pretty when we're done.  And I cry for the part of her that hears discouragement from her mom.  And I know God is here.

There are days when I can't stand that Maggie is a chatterbox and wants to be in my personal space and always hug me or hang on me or hold my hand.  She is dramatic and has attitude and sasses me and wants my help but doesn't want to take it.  She tells me to stop watching her when she's playing soccer and makes a mistake.  Like it's my fault.  But then I remember that she's 15 and it's her job to be dramatic, and sassy.  I remember that there will come a day when she will be too busy with a boy to hug me, and her life will be filled with college and friends and sports and work, and I'll be without her smile and quick with.  And I know God is going to do big things with this girl.

There are days when I miss my grandma so much that it hurts.  Even after 5 years.  It feels like yesterday.

There are days when I want to hide under the covers and not come out.  To be left alone and not have to deal with all this mess.  But then I realize how fortunate I am.  I have a home that wasn't flattened in a tornado, I have a husband who holds a job and loves us all in the best way he can, and sometimes we get to see it.  I have children who are safe and healthy and smart and loving.  My parents and sister are healthy and safe and we all love each other.  We know how to laugh.

There are days when I thank God for all that I have and more importantly all the love in my life.  Those are the best days of all.

Are We There Yet?

I've been out of town for a week, in a western desert state where the sun was out EVERY day.  It was wonderful.  I was with Jack, and even that was a great experience.  I was intending to come today and write about that, and how thankful I am for that time.
I am thankful for that time.  I am thankful for every day, every minute of that time.  I'm thankful for every day when LT & Maggie's grandparents were with them and made them feel loved and cared for.
Unfortunately, last night, reality struck. My only question is, are we there yet??????  Have we reached rock bottom?  Nope.  Jack has not reached rock bottom.  I, however, am starting to feel the rocks on the bottom as they tear at my hands that I'm using to hold myself up.
Tomorrow is d-day for me, or s-day.  I'm having some surgery, that while it isn't expected to be serious, it is making me uneasy.  I'm trying not to worry, not let fear bring me down.  In the midst of all of this, Jack's alcoholic behavior is driving a bigger wedge in our family than ever before. 
While I don't condone at all the behavior that LT has engaged in, Jack's need to control, and his absolute my way or the highway parenting mentality is really not healthy.  As if I expected healthy?  But what is best for LT?  He's doing fantastic at school so far.  Granted, it's three weeks, but HUGE improvement.  At home, it's horrible.  We started off with some great family time, each week, all involved and seemingly enjoying it.  Last night, Jack thought he needed to go into LTs room and look around.  He found 2 pieces of mail that LT had opened with my name on them.  And proceeded to MELT down.  LT said maybe he should live somewhere else.  My heart broke into some small pieces.  That is NOT okay with me.  I get that he shouldn't have done it.  I agree.  I get that he should be remorseful and he is - but not on the schedule that Jack would like. 
Jack yelled, stormed, left.
When he got home, LT didn't apologize fast enough to suit him.  Apparently there is a clock running and you have only x amount of minutes to apologize or it is invalid.  Again, I have no idea how many minutes = x, and so far, it seems to be variable.
I suck at math, so this doesn't really work for me.  On so many levels.
I remained calm as Jack ignored and disappeared.  I attempted civil discussion.  Yeah, not so much.  He even told me he'd been drinking, so go to bed. I failed to listen.  I maintained my mostly calm and not freaking out.  I'm proud of that.
How do I answer him when he asks what he has done wrong as a parent to LT?  In his eyes, absolutely nothing, but everything he said shows that he has a balance sheet running and he's giving more than everyone else on every level.  Especially financially.  I remained silent, because after 5 beers, I'm not going there.  But was my silence condoning his statements?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to being unconscious for surgery.  That's about all I can handle right now.
God, I know you have a plan.  I trust you.  I believe you can use all things for good for those who are called according to your purposes.  Help me in my doubt.  (throwing all kinds of scripture references at once.)  I know you're still there.  Without you, I'd be a bigger mess.  Please appear real to me today.  Protect LT from himself and all of us from the effects of Jack's drinking.  Just for today.

God at Work, Part 2

Sunday, 12/23, the three children and I head to church, before which the girls try to persuade Jack to go with us to Grandma's.  Nope, he's not going.  We head off to church and enjoy our time.  Upon our return, to check one more time if he'd go with us, we leave him to his sourness and head to grandma's.  While there, we have a great time, but no one mentions Jack - it's so weird that we all know about things being strange, but we never talk about it.  Well, at least not then.  We have a great Christmas, enjoy being with all of the kids and my family.  It felt really good to be able to let it go.  Enjoy the moment, all of that.  When we got home, it was very uncomfortable, Jack being his usual moodswing self, not wanting to talk to anyone, etc.  But my parents had gotten him something that I thought he'd really like.  The kids ran it in, placed it in front of him, and he shouts "Why in the h*#9 would you think I'd want that.  The girls go running off crying, LT rolls his eyes and goes upstairs, and I am pretty furious.  I will say that I was able to say that he was being completely unreasonable, and so he left to "get something to eat," because in this state of mind, he never eats with us, won't eat the food we have in the house, it's all very weird. 
Abby goes home to her mom's house, the kids and I head off to our rooms for bed, and Jack sleeps in the spare bedroom again.  It was shaping up to be a horrendous holiday, once again.
However, this time - God was moving - even in the midst of all the chaos.

Monday 12/24 - We awaken to crabby dad, and Maggie & I begin to prepare our Christmas cookies, rolls, etc.  Mid day, we decide that Abby will come over for dinner that night, as she had plans with her mom's family after our Christmas morning festivities.  Jack continued to stomp around and be generally horrible.  When I tried to talk to him about Abby coming over, he said to eat without him.  I began questioning him, calmly for a change, with what we had done to make him so upset.  He proceeded to say he was packing a bag and going to a hotel so he wouldn't have to "put up" with the "crap" anymore. When I asked what I was doing that he was having to "put up" with, he grumbled un-coherently and stomped up the steps.  Well, in mid jumping in drama, I went up and told him that if he left it was his choice, but that wasn't what I wanted, and it wasn't what the kids wanted.  I told him that families that love each other work things out - they don't leave whenever they want to.  He left, and I was shaking I was so upset, angry, something.  I don't do anger well, so maybe that's what I was and just didn't know it.  I told the kids I'd be back because I needed to calm down.
When I got back 20 minutes later, he was there.  We began talking, and he was being much more calm and reasonable.  I was suspicious, but continued the conversation.  It came out that he was frustrated by LT's lack of motivation, lack of attention to anything (pretty much breathing and being a 17 year-old), but when I told him Families worked things out, it got his attention.  He told me he heard the exact same thing on Jerry Spr*&ger earlier in the day - and he remembered it and wanted to do things differently.  Well, let's just say I'm not one of Jerry's biggest fans, but after this - maybe I can tolerate him from afar!  LOL.  He said he was tired of not feeling like a family (but he still doesn't see that his drinking and his actions drive all of us to seclusion), and he wants to do things differently.  Abby was on her way over for dinner by this time, but afraid to come in the door.  She did, we proceeded to have our Christmas meal, and it was obvious he was doing better, but we were still skeptical. 

It was then that God's hand became real - Jack asked what time he needed to be ready so we could all go to church together.  I may have cried a bit while I was in the shower as we all prepared to go to midnight services.  We sat together, in one row, in church - the last time he was there had to be 3 years ago or more when Maggie had a concert.  It was amazing.  He said afterwards that he was thankful that we were all there together.

God is good, all the time.  And working, even when we can't see.
to be continued....

It was a Merry Christmas - God at work - Part 1

If you would have told me what the last 4 days would hold, I'd have gone into a hole before it happened.  However, I'm not privy to foreseeing the future, so I just lived it as it came. 
Saturday - started out great.  Went to breakfast, finished up some last minute shopping, just Jack and me, prepared some food together with Abby.  Maggie was with her grandma, working on preparing for Christmas at their house on Sunday.  LT was busy hiding in his room so he wouldn't get yelled at.  I had worked hard, so decided to pick up BFF, Louise, and go for mani/pedis.  It is our little treat to ourselves when we feel stressed.  As I'm almost done with that, I get a series of urgent texts from Maggie.  She's been getting them from Abby - saying Jack is freaking out about LT having a new tv in his room. 
(about this time you should know that LT got his TV in early October, purchased with his own money, and I picked it up for him.  At that time and most of the time since then, Jack was "out of parenting" with LT, so I didn't see any reason to involve him in the decision.)  I return Louise to her house (at this point, LT is working), and pray my way back home.  I go in, and as usual, you can cut the tension with a knife.  I ask how Jack and Abby are, what they have been doing, and Jack asks me to come upstairs with him.  That's either really good or really bad, never in the middle.  We get to LT's room and he's got some things out of LT's closet and piled around, including the box for the TV, a game console thingy that went to the computer and he had ordered LT to dipsose of it or store it out of the computer room, and some video games that went to LT's ps something.  In case you can't tell, video games are not my thing.  Jack demands to know what is going on and why LT has this tv, where did the game console thing come from and when did he buy the games.  While yelling at me. 
Um yeah, I don't respond well when yelled at.  Despite all the drama I've been through in the past 5 years, it has been worse in my first marriage and that isn't something I respond well to.  And normally it's not a problem - even with the alcoholic that is Jack.
I said the console thingy was from downstairs, you told him to bring it up.  The games - he's had these.  I haven't taken him anywhere to get them. The tv - well, here's where I screwed up royally, and i'm not even going to try to make it okay.  I lied and said he'd traded his 19" tv with his grandma for this 32" one.  Jack freaked out and told me to have him take it back to grandma, and that he wasn't going to grandma's house on Sunday because he was cleaning LTs room and there'd be nothing left. 
At this point, I am feeling like this is a TV mini-series.  Maybe i'm giving too many details.  However, seeing this in print does kind of make it real and obvious to me that i jumped right back into the crazy with both feet, and yikes, that stinks. 
So LT (at 11 pm when gets home from work) decides that he's taking everything that is his to grandma's house on Sunday and begins to pack it up right then and there.  Of course, this is after Jack has decided (while I was gone to pick up LT) to move into the spare room which shares the wall with LT (at the headboard end, of course).  I am trying to stay sane and wrap gifts downstairs, when Jack comes stomping down the stairs to the living room and says he's sleeping there because it's too loud upstairs.  Can you say passive agressive?

I promise God is working through all this, but I must post before I become a novel writer...to be continued.

We Shall See

Life continues to go on here in the land of Crazytown.  Jack seemed better after I had a little melt down, which is not my finest moment.  I don't know if it's hormones, or nearing menopause or what, but I've really been an emotional roller coaster.  Hopefully some outpatient surgery this week will help in many ways. 
I kind of hate that I broke down in front of him, but really it was just the last straw when I had had it with his crappy attitude.  I am mad at myself for letting him see me that way and for telling him what was wrong.  In the end, I guess it worked out, becuase he was really there for me on Thursday when I had yet another medical issue come to light.  Grace in the small things.
LT continues to work but struggles with one of his classes.  I really don't want him to quit his job, but seriously - hello - college??!!  Anyone interested in attending!?!  Oh well, out of my control.  And really, he's doing better than when he wasn't working.
Miss Maggie just keeps on being her chipper self, except when she has stayed up all night at a sleepover.  Thank goodness she was able to do it and have fun.  And for the first time since she was 15 months old, she took a NAP!!  Woo hoo.  I was beginning to think I had the wrong child!
I finished reading Diane Keaton's memoir.  I highly recommend.  It was really good, and really neat how she talked about her mom. 
Please keep us in your thoughts.  Rough for the kids to think I'm sick.  Should be in and out in a few hours then home.  God has a plan, and I'm going to keep following Him. 

We are NOT alone

Whenever life seems to hit extra hard, (and by life, let's face it, I mean alcoholic insanity) I never cease to be amazed by how my God, you can call it higher power, mother nature, whatever - it's God for me, works to SHOW me I'm not alone.  I guess that's my hope.  Somewhere out there is a person like I was, who had no idea that sanity and alcoholic husband could exist at the same time, will read anything on this blog, even the smallest tidbit, and realize, hey - other people know exactly what it's like.  I'm not alone.  And it really can be okay.  Ideal, no.  Fantastic, some days.  Okay - lots more often than not - thanks to Al-anon, Getting Them Sober, Al-anon literature (Books), I'm better.  I'm Okay. 
To give you an example, last night, LT asked if he could go to a ballgame next week, on a school night.  Jack reasonably said we'd need to see work schedule and grades before deciding.  In the 16-y-o way, LT rolled his eyes, because he didn't immediately get the answer he wanted (I'm guessing).  Jack went completely nuts and yelled at him, saying he didn't deserve that, and on and on.  LT went to bed, because it was actually 15 minutes past his bedtime, and as he left, Jack said - fine, you decide.  I'm done.  I think to myself - okay - you overreacted.  Whatever.  Today Jack called me at work to tell me he was pissed and he wanted me to know it.  He called to tell me that he is no longer going to be LT's dad, he can now call him Jack, but he doesn't have to leave or anything - HOW big of him.
At first, I could feel that old anxiety, panic, freaking out building up.  I didn't say anything for a few moments, then said I'm sorry you feel that way.  Can we talk about this at home?  He said what's to talk about.  He continued on with dealing with LT is going to make him sick, so he's done being his dad.  I did begin to cry, and told him -I've needed to say this for months, maybe years - that LT is not Jake.  He has not made the mistakes Jake has made, he hasn't had any of the bad things happen (YET) that Jake chose.  Instead of hearing that, Jack said - tell me how I treat him like *H(^.   I repeated that I said you treat him like "JAKE".  He's not Jake.  By this time, I'm fully crying, at my desk, door open; I asked if we could talk at home.  He said okay, and we hung up. 
I'm not going to lie - I cried for a bit, hard.  But then I started repeating the truth and what I know as real to myself.
 - This is not about LT.  This is about me not giving Jack the arguments and drama the alcoholism likes to create, so that he doesn't have to think about what HE is doing to himself and our family. 
- LT has been doing great in school and has a job, and hasn't missed one day, and has already worked longer than Jake ever held a job in his life, and Jack can't complain about that as one of Jake's weaknesses.
- LT is a wonderful young man, caring and kind.  He DOES NOT deserve to be treated like this.  Period.
So I got a book, Al-anon Dilemma of An Alcoholic Marriage.  God directed me to just the right page.  And I quote: I "would have to understand how desperately the guilt-tormented alcoholic needs such weapons (lashing out unreasonably) to bolster his own ego.  When he uses these weapons to attack, it is not because he hates (LT) but because he hates himself and needs to reassure himself that he is not all bad.  He finds fault in the (people) nearest to him because it makes it a little easier to tolerate himself."  (Page 10). Seriously -this book was written in 1971. 
This spoke to me.  It hit me right where I needed it.  TRUTH.  I realized that I need to put this situation back on Jack.  I called and told him calmly that I didn't like his position, but I can understand his frustration.  However, he's an adult, and I am going to respect his position and not try to manipulate circumstances or try to pretend everything's okay and for everyone to kiss and make up.  He sounded shocked when he said okay, but I feel free.  I'm going to continue doing what my job is.  Being the best mom to LT & Maggie (And Abby) that I can be.  His interaction is really irrelevant.  And if I am honest with myself, about 90% of the time, that's the reality we live in anyway. 
I realize this is a bit rambling, but I am claiming this success.  I'm not going to try to get everyone to get along.  I don't necessarily think LT needs to change.  He is doing fantastic in school and at work, and I would love it if he'd stop rolling his eyes, but Abby still does it at 21, so I'm not holding out much hope of that...LOL. 
I finally recognize this as wisdom to know the thing I can't change.
We are not alone.  and we are OKAY.
God grant me the serenity, wisdom & hope again tomorrow.

It's a Full Moon, Mabel

Image found at: Starry Nightsky Events

As per usual, the interesting and odd are going on.  The full moon seems to really influence Jack.  One minute he's crazy quiet, nothing to say; the next, he says we're going away for the weekend.  Alone.  It shocked me, but all I could think to myself was, "well, let's go with this.  It's good.  It may not last, but this can be a good opportunity.  Be glad and grab it."
On the down side, he forgets eating something and yells at the kids for eating it all.  We have converstations and he says the next day - You never told me that.  I'd like to scream sometimes, but I know it won't do any good.

There is a cycle, that's for sure.  Every full moon, it seems.  Lucky for me, there are two this month!

Progressive Disease, Progressive Healing

I started this post several days ago, with only the title.  It seems that is the theme right now.  Jack's alcoholism is progressing.  He is continuing to spend most evenings after supper lying down - sometimes sleeping.  This is virtually unheard of in the 7 1/2 years I've known him.  Usually he can't lie still for more than 10 minutes at time without medication, especially to sleep.  At the same time, he's been drinking more steadily, and then the last 2 days, nothing.  It's like he's in this battle with himself.  Very crazy.  And as usual, he's silent and distant when he's having this battle.
More importantly to me, is the fact that I've been seeing this happen, and not taken any of the guilt I would typically pick up about why he is acting so distant.  I KNOW it isn't about me.  I hate that this is how it is.  I would like to be able to talk to him about what is going on.  I'd like him to go to a doctor and tell them what is going on - the truth - and seek help.  But, that isn't my decision. I also feel such a sense of freedom at the same time feeling so sad that he feels he must live this internal battle alone.  I love the person who is underneath this disease, the real one...it doesn't have to be this way.  At least I know that I don't have to be in that state of depression along with him anymore.  That is tremendously freeing.  I'm pretty sure if you've never lived with an alcoholic you probably think I'm and uncaring *itch.  Unfortunately, when you live with an alcoholic, most rules that apply to "normal" relationships don't apply here.  I'm glad you don't know what it's like.  You are blessed.
I will keep going one step at a time, one day at a time, and letting God have control.  His plan is better than mine, and I have faith in Him, and his timing.

A brief rant, and some Joy

I've decided that growing up, we must have been lucky to survive to adulthood.  Some of the people I'm around today, seriously, get a life.  You are 21 years old, life isn't always neat and pretty.  People aren't always nice. Things don't always go your way.  Grow up and get on with it. 
This rant was brought to you by the evil stepmother. Thank you for your understanding!
ARRGGHHH!

Okay, now that I have that out of the way, carry on.  I love spring, and I'm so glad that everything is blooming.  Lilacs!!  Woo hoo, everywhere.  I have such great friends, and have "met" some fabulous internet people.  God is good, and Joy is where we look for it.  I love this saying, "Joy is always a function of gratitude and gratitude is always a function of perspective.  If we are going to change our lives, what we're going to have to change is the way we see." Ann Voskamp

I'm going to be purposeful today in seeing Joy.  I hope you have some visible to you as well.

Rambling rose...

There are so many thoughts going through my mind.  I find that I just want to focus on the positive.  I have had some chances to choose otherwise, and I can't do it.  I see the blessings, and I want to rejoice in them.  This world is so far from perfect, and I am going to look for all the good I can find.  When I find horrible things that I have to face, I will do so and look for what God is doing in that imperfection.  God has a great sense of humor and justice, and I believe that because of all I've seen in this life.  And living with 2 teenagers and almost 2 high schoolers is even more confirmation of that!  They are wonderful children, but have adapted so easily to those characteristics that teenagers are known for.  (Can anyone say rolling the eyes and sighing??)
What do I see today?  How about a list!
- Sunshine and 76 degrees in March  in the mid-west...for about the 4th day in a row.
- Lunch with my BFF - thank you God for bringing her to work here!
- Healthy kids who call me when they get home from school, who want to eat dinner at the family table, who help out at home, even though sometimes reluctantly and needing to be reminded. We are blessed.
- Thank you God for a sense of humor because this insanity that is my life can sometimes be overwhelming.  Thanks for the good sense to laugh when I recognize something for the insanity that it is....case in point, letter from Jake.  To me.  After not seeing me for 5 years.  Maybe even 6.  And he apologizes to me, for what, I'm not sure.  And in letters from him to Jack, there is never any apology, only poor me, what you've done to me.  Makes me want to scream!  But I laugh.  The irony is not lost on me!
This is slightly rambling - oh well.  That's where I am today.

And trusting God works!!

So yesterday was the "court date" for the reduction in child support.  I didn't really think about it all weekend, I didn't feel worried or scared.  Whenever I did start to think of it, I'd say - God, I know you the outcome, so I'm going to leave it with you.  Once Jack & I got to the courthouse, I was a bit nervous.  More worried about actually being in the same room with the ex (after 8 years) than anything else.  We stayed in the courtroom because every time the elevator opened, I jumped out of my skin.  That was a better plan than continuing to be startled for 20 minutes.  When he and two other people came in, I just happened to look up and out of the corner of my eye, recognized him, although he is extremely swollen from the chemo/radiation.  I instantly started shaking, and Jack grabbed my hand.  When it was our turn, I was able to speak for myself (trying this with no lawyer, as it is what it is, no lawyer will make it different).  He has been awarded SSDI, so that is that.  They provided me with a copy of his award letter, and the kids will be eligible for a benefit from that.  So I guess he gets what he wanted, no child support directly. I didn't ask for back support because it is minimal in the grand scheme of things and I just wanted this to be over.  We waited and moved slowly to get out of the court-room as I didn't want to run into him, but his current wife (CW) asked if we could talk and she had sent him down with the other person - I think his caregiver.  The CW said that they'd been trying to reach me to set up trusts for the children, because he was given 2 years to live in April 2011.  They were using the wrong name at the post office box, so it was being returned.  She also said that ex's parents came into the hospital room in April 2011 right before brain surgery and had ex sign papers saying all his estate would be split between his two brothers instead of going to his wife and children.  All I can say is leopards don't change their spots.  I really got the feeling that CW is being genuine.  She said that she and ex were separated for 2 years prior to him being diagnosed w/cancer.  She came back to take care of him because there was no one else.  I say she's a better woman than I am. 
I ended up taking the whole day off from work so I could go to the Soc. Sec. office.  After a very long time there and a very kind worker (a little shocking, but I'm not going to lie - she was fantastic), she told me the kids would each be getting a monthly stipend from SS, and it totals more than child support was.
God knew this all along.  I'm glad I trusted His plan.  I would have totally screwed it up!
It's a new day, new mercies, and the sun is shining.  Thank you God for your serenity and the prayers to remember it.  And really - Jack was amazing.  That is the man I married.  It was my privilege and honor to have him next to me.

It's a good thing I know about Al-Anon

Lately, what with the viral illness that seems to be going through our family, most normal activities seem to have stopped.  Thankfully, I've not stopped reading my al-anon literature.  As I described in a previous post, the ex-husband (who I now know was alcoholic, addicted to at least marijuana and other drugs) has filed this paper to reduce the amount he pays for child support.  While my greatest desire is to simply ignore this situation and let it happen however, I will not put the kids at risk to possibly see him, so I trooped over to the attorney office today to see what's what.  Thankfully, I can make use of the "legal aid" type of services available, so the cost for me to go through this is minimal.  I had the 3rd person express to me that maybe his brain cancer is Karma or God's getting even for his actions.  I thought today that I was cold thinking such things, but the people who've said so to me seem like normal kind people, not anyone out to destroy the world or anything.  Soooo, maybe those are sort of normal thoughts in this most ab-normal situation.
I have been reading in Courage to Change, and it has especially been focusing on me looking at what my part in a situation is, my response, my responsibility (or NOT).  I'm trying to keep that perspective in this situation too. 
Then there is Abby, who has been calling so frequently it is weird behavior for her.  Now I find out she has been cutting herself.  I feel especially helpless in that circumstance too.  I've been as supportive as I can, gave her names, info on how to contact insurance for various providers, told her to call anytime, we love her, and then I have to let her go on her journey.  She really has bi-polar like symptoms, but she is a grown-up and has made choices to ensure that we know that. 
In all this, it's sort of like alcoholism, in that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I certainly can't control it! 
Thank goodness I have that thinking to fall back upon when I wake up in the night, as I have, and start obsessing over what I can do.  Which is basically follow through what is mine to do, and leave the rest to God.

So, for today, and every day, Let GO and Let GOD!

Progress - Any progress is good progress

The full moon may be 8 days away, but I swear there are cycles that both the moon and Jack have in common.  Thankfully, I have recognized it before, and last night it hit me that I'm making progress in other ways too.  I could see that he'd been having a bad work day - really, and with just cause.  But for one of the first few times, I didn't immediately jump to the conclusion that I had done something to make him be in a bad mood.  He just was.  And frankly, when he came home, I was having my own hissy fit over the failed recipe I'd made for dinner (the second time this happened w/the same dish).  But even that - I realized my part of being crabby and apologized for what was mine - and nothing more.  I feel like that is a huge step for me - a FORWARD step.

I'm so thankful for Al-anon, for the blogs that are out there, the books that are available, and my higher power.  God is good, and I'm so glad He gives me another chance. 

Still no news from the court date - papers weren't delivered yesterday.  I just want it over.  I'd prefer it be over in a way that doesn't require ANY court intervention, but we don't always get to choose that.

LT is having problems getting his homework turned in AGAIN.  I really believed he had gotten the message - but alas, no.  The list of grades is either 100% or 0.  Resulting in a D.  I'm so pissed off, but it is all out of my control.  I can make life electronic free, but I can't make him turn his shit in.  GRRRRRR.  All other grades are A's, but you know the Ds are in the important classes, not health and choir.  I'm trying to keep perspective, but I DON'T understand it.  I'm certainly not a boy and I REALLY don't understand him.  Oh well, God has this in control too.

Just another day....

Just for Today

So yesterday was not one of my favorites, then turned into something better.  As I was walking to work today, I thought - thank you God for new mercies every morning, and that I can start today without the burden of yesterday. 
So let's just get this out of my head - My ex-husband molested my (our -but I don't give him that privilege any longer) daughter at 4 years old.  Thank GOD she was able to tell me in a way that both showed me truth, and that I could act upon at that moment.  He was arrested, given 20 weekends (note 40 DAYS) in jail so he could keep his union job - wasn't that judge so kind. He was abusive to me and to our son.  Since our separation/divorce he has been getting child support taken out of his check every week.  Usually pretty regularly unless there was a shutdown or something.  He does not see them, do to court order, and he has not asked to change it.  again, thank GOD.  Yesterday, I was notified that he has asked to lower child support.  Since there has been NO contact with him for over 8 years, this was a shock to me.  When I called the court to get details, they said he wrote on his own (pro-se) that he has brain cancer and isn't able to work. 
Last summer, his mother wrote to me telling me that he had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good.  He even sent the kids each a letter, which I have read - they have not.  In it, he said he always thought of the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, but didn't send them presents because he didn't know if "their mother" would let them see the presents.  Honestly, I didn't keep that letter from them because he is angry with me - i kept it from them so they don't have to see what an *ss(#)@ their father is and be hurt again by him thinking of them "on their birthdays and Christmas."  No mention at all of being sorry for what had happened, for breaking up our family, for hurting them. 
At first, I wasn't even sure I believed he had cancer, because it is something they would do to try to gain sympathy.  Now he has testified to court that he has it, but even still...part of me says good - what you deserve, and the other part of me, the one who is supposed to love others like Christ loves feels bad.  I wish I didn't feel the "good" part, but I do.   Really though - It just makes me sad.  And scared.  The thought of seeing him again scares me. 
I wasn't able to work yesterday, and went home to discuss with my husband - thankfully - for that day, Jack was what I needed him to be.  And he had a great idea - I can agree to lowering support, and avoid a hearing.  I NEVER even considered that.  You'd think I'd remember something from law school, working for a court and working for an attorney.  Apparently when my emotions are involved, my brain doesn't engage! 
Just for today, I'm thankful for the kindness Jack showed me.  I'm thankful that even when days are hard, there is the part of him who loves me and the kids, and protects us.  Sometimes even from myself. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can, AND the wisdom to know the difference!
One day at a time.

He said, she said, he doesn't remember...

I don't know what to say, so I'll just let my mind go. Today it came to Jack's attention that he is having blackouts. I suspected it, but today in a conversation, he stated that he didn't remember anything that happened last night, not the words he said, not the actions he did, not the hurtful things that happened. None of it. And I believe it. I asked some other questions about other instances that have been happening since the whole latest cycle of drama have occured, and he didn't remember any of them happening. He then said he told me a few weeks ago that a good event that had happened, that we had talked about, that he didn't remember that either. When he said at the time he didn't remember it, it was like he was teasing me. Like he was playing. And he let me believe that then.
I guess this is a good sign, that I'm truly not crazy. That sometimes when it feels like we are living in two different lives, yet in the same house, family, area...that we are. I have the life where I can see and hear what goes on, and he doesn't. No wonder on top of the alcoholism, that he thinks differently about nearly every encounter our family has together than I do. I know what's going on. Sadly, this is only going to get worse until he realizes what is causing this problem. He's still blaming it on some medication, and that could have some effect. However, I think a lifetime of daily drinking 8-10 beers is probably the true cause.
We shall see what God has planned. I trust Him because He never leaves me nor forgets me. Thank goodness He is in control, cause I'm not capable of fixing this for sure!