90 more to go

With my 100th post celebration yesterday, I may have gotten a little carried away with thinking I have 100 "pearls of wisdom" to share with the world.  But I am feeling spunky, so onward we go.  In the interest of linking up to Pour Your Heart Out on Things I Can't Say, I'm reaching back to some things I learned long ago, about my kids.

• 11.  While the two sets of genes that started out together are the same, the way they get rearranged into a child are NEVER the same.  Siblings may start from the same parents, but oh how differently they can come out.
• 12.  Sharpie will eventually come off the side of a portable dishwasher.  And also a 2 year old's arm.  Eventually.
• 13.  Never leave your *e-bay account logged in with a 4 year old around.  He can and may purchase an electric train for himself.  How he can find that when he can't spell is still a mystery to me.  I mean theoretically speaking, of course.
• 14.  The look of your first born when he first meets his baby sister may break your heart all over again as he wonders who is in HIS spot - there in your arms.
• 15.  Once in a lifetime, birthday cake for breakfast is okay.
• 16.  Have someone else take a picture of you with your children when they are young.  If you are always holding the camera, you will never have a photo of yourself with your babies (although this may be slightly showing my age, in the era of the "selfie").
• 17.  Never underestimate the power of Thomas the Tank Engine.
• 18.  After learning something in pre-school, it's always good to test it out in practice.  Say you learned about first-responders in class.  You wonder if you dial 911, do they really come?  They will come to check on you if you hang up.  Really.  
• 19.  It does take a village to raise caring children.
• 20.  The best memories never involved my phone or a text.

Please take a minute and check out what others are saying.  

Thankfully, I'm still Here & Alive

Wow, I can't believe I disappeared off the radar for so long.  Life has a tendency to do that - get so busy that I just get sucked in and the next thing you know- it's a month later. Wow.  Life goes on here in Wife's world.  Miss Maggie is playing tennis.  She's fantastic but hard on herself.  For not playing since she was 6 years old, I think she's quite fabulous!  I may be a bit partial.  I'm back to work full time.  I'm very thankful for my job and co-workers, but I miss all that time to do things at home.  Ah well, such a good problem to have.
Abby is working!!  At a job she went to school for!!  It is temporary, but a good start.  Hurray.  Now, on to a permanent assignment.  Baby-steps. That is the key.
LT has been taking college board tests.  He's doing amazingly well.  Further proof that he is smarter than his grades lead you to believe.  I wonder if I've hurt him by being exposed to Jack and his criticism.  Well, I'm just being miss honesty and forthrightness today.  Hummmmm.  Still, in this world, I like to see the good.  How can I make the world a better place?  I'm starting with my space in the corner of the universe.  Lord, help me see what is good right here and now.
I have more in my head to write, but I'm going to go for now.  I hope everyone is having a great day and that you can see the Sun!!

God at Work, Part 2

Sunday, 12/23, the three children and I head to church, before which the girls try to persuade Jack to go with us to Grandma's.  Nope, he's not going.  We head off to church and enjoy our time.  Upon our return, to check one more time if he'd go with us, we leave him to his sourness and head to grandma's.  While there, we have a great time, but no one mentions Jack - it's so weird that we all know about things being strange, but we never talk about it.  Well, at least not then.  We have a great Christmas, enjoy being with all of the kids and my family.  It felt really good to be able to let it go.  Enjoy the moment, all of that.  When we got home, it was very uncomfortable, Jack being his usual moodswing self, not wanting to talk to anyone, etc.  But my parents had gotten him something that I thought he'd really like.  The kids ran it in, placed it in front of him, and he shouts "Why in the h*#9 would you think I'd want that.  The girls go running off crying, LT rolls his eyes and goes upstairs, and I am pretty furious.  I will say that I was able to say that he was being completely unreasonable, and so he left to "get something to eat," because in this state of mind, he never eats with us, won't eat the food we have in the house, it's all very weird. 
Abby goes home to her mom's house, the kids and I head off to our rooms for bed, and Jack sleeps in the spare bedroom again.  It was shaping up to be a horrendous holiday, once again.
However, this time - God was moving - even in the midst of all the chaos.

Monday 12/24 - We awaken to crabby dad, and Maggie & I begin to prepare our Christmas cookies, rolls, etc.  Mid day, we decide that Abby will come over for dinner that night, as she had plans with her mom's family after our Christmas morning festivities.  Jack continued to stomp around and be generally horrible.  When I tried to talk to him about Abby coming over, he said to eat without him.  I began questioning him, calmly for a change, with what we had done to make him so upset.  He proceeded to say he was packing a bag and going to a hotel so he wouldn't have to "put up" with the "crap" anymore. When I asked what I was doing that he was having to "put up" with, he grumbled un-coherently and stomped up the steps.  Well, in mid jumping in drama, I went up and told him that if he left it was his choice, but that wasn't what I wanted, and it wasn't what the kids wanted.  I told him that families that love each other work things out - they don't leave whenever they want to.  He left, and I was shaking I was so upset, angry, something.  I don't do anger well, so maybe that's what I was and just didn't know it.  I told the kids I'd be back because I needed to calm down.
When I got back 20 minutes later, he was there.  We began talking, and he was being much more calm and reasonable.  I was suspicious, but continued the conversation.  It came out that he was frustrated by LT's lack of motivation, lack of attention to anything (pretty much breathing and being a 17 year-old), but when I told him Families worked things out, it got his attention.  He told me he heard the exact same thing on Jerry Spr*&ger earlier in the day - and he remembered it and wanted to do things differently.  Well, let's just say I'm not one of Jerry's biggest fans, but after this - maybe I can tolerate him from afar!  LOL.  He said he was tired of not feeling like a family (but he still doesn't see that his drinking and his actions drive all of us to seclusion), and he wants to do things differently.  Abby was on her way over for dinner by this time, but afraid to come in the door.  She did, we proceeded to have our Christmas meal, and it was obvious he was doing better, but we were still skeptical. 

It was then that God's hand became real - Jack asked what time he needed to be ready so we could all go to church together.  I may have cried a bit while I was in the shower as we all prepared to go to midnight services.  We sat together, in one row, in church - the last time he was there had to be 3 years ago or more when Maggie had a concert.  It was amazing.  He said afterwards that he was thankful that we were all there together.

God is good, all the time.  And working, even when we can't see.
to be continued....

God is Good - All the Time

The past week has been one of the most heart-wrenching for me as a mother that I've experienced in 10 years.  Last time I had such a struggle, my babies were just the victims, and I was in full on protection mode - I simply acted.  This time around - one of those babies had made his own bed at 16, and had to figure out his own way out.  I was pretty powerless to help.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I had worried myself into a "dither."  And even though I was crying out to God, turning him over to God, I couldn't help the worry.  I tried to talk myself into sense, but it was exhausting.  I have now learned that someone was praying very specifically for me yesterday.  God heard those prayers and provided my boy with some wisdom and God moved through our family.  There was reconcilliation where there was previously much discord.  I'm so thankful that I knew to look to God.  Even as I worried, I knew to turn him over to God.
I can also tell you that I used so many of my skills learned in al-anon. I could feel myself getting freaked out - acting on emotion rather than hearing what was true.  I was immediately jumping to what do I need to do thinking, when really, I couldn't control or cure the situation. I'm exhausted from this weekend, but I can also see the good things.  The answered prayers, the realizing my stinking thinking in the middle of it, and re-directing to the truth. 
It's kind of amazing that I ever made it through a day before Al-Anon.  And this wasn't even a direct Alcohol situtation.  Although really, most of the situations we face are colored by the alcoholic's input.  I'm clinging to the truth - I have to live and let live - even when that person is my child.   I have to let Go and let God - even when that person is my child.  I have to take it easy - even when it is my child.
Okay, let's take on the day!

Thinking About Love

I read a post on Rage Against the Minivan that talked about love, and whether love takes work.  Some, who I would guess are lacking in the age/experience department (that is my opinion there - it is my blog...), say that if it's not flowery, easy, rainbows and unicorns, it isn't love, and it's better to move on.  I suppose if you aren't married, there is lots to find useful in that statement.  However, after some pretty horrific and some fantastic experiences, I say I'm more of the love-is-a-choice boat.  There are days I don't feel very loving toward anyone, Jack sometimes especially.  However, I want to be loving, I love him.  Sometimes it's more of an act it till you feel it kind of day, and sometimes it's fantastic, flowery, rainbows and unicorns.  Even when he's acting alcoholic, I respect him enough to see that he's a person, a child of God who has the free will to make his choices.  Even if they aren't the choices I'd make for him or myself.  Boy don't I sound all healthy and Al-anon ish?  For today.  And really, that's all we have is today.

Just for Today

So yesterday was not one of my favorites, then turned into something better.  As I was walking to work today, I thought - thank you God for new mercies every morning, and that I can start today without the burden of yesterday. 
So let's just get this out of my head - My ex-husband molested my (our -but I don't give him that privilege any longer) daughter at 4 years old.  Thank GOD she was able to tell me in a way that both showed me truth, and that I could act upon at that moment.  He was arrested, given 20 weekends (note 40 DAYS) in jail so he could keep his union job - wasn't that judge so kind. He was abusive to me and to our son.  Since our separation/divorce he has been getting child support taken out of his check every week.  Usually pretty regularly unless there was a shutdown or something.  He does not see them, do to court order, and he has not asked to change it.  again, thank GOD.  Yesterday, I was notified that he has asked to lower child support.  Since there has been NO contact with him for over 8 years, this was a shock to me.  When I called the court to get details, they said he wrote on his own (pro-se) that he has brain cancer and isn't able to work. 
Last summer, his mother wrote to me telling me that he had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good.  He even sent the kids each a letter, which I have read - they have not.  In it, he said he always thought of the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, but didn't send them presents because he didn't know if "their mother" would let them see the presents.  Honestly, I didn't keep that letter from them because he is angry with me - i kept it from them so they don't have to see what an *ss(#)@ their father is and be hurt again by him thinking of them "on their birthdays and Christmas."  No mention at all of being sorry for what had happened, for breaking up our family, for hurting them. 
At first, I wasn't even sure I believed he had cancer, because it is something they would do to try to gain sympathy.  Now he has testified to court that he has it, but even still...part of me says good - what you deserve, and the other part of me, the one who is supposed to love others like Christ loves feels bad.  I wish I didn't feel the "good" part, but I do.   Really though - It just makes me sad.  And scared.  The thought of seeing him again scares me. 
I wasn't able to work yesterday, and went home to discuss with my husband - thankfully - for that day, Jack was what I needed him to be.  And he had a great idea - I can agree to lowering support, and avoid a hearing.  I NEVER even considered that.  You'd think I'd remember something from law school, working for a court and working for an attorney.  Apparently when my emotions are involved, my brain doesn't engage! 
Just for today, I'm thankful for the kindness Jack showed me.  I'm thankful that even when days are hard, there is the part of him who loves me and the kids, and protects us.  Sometimes even from myself. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can, AND the wisdom to know the difference!
One day at a time.