What an Adventure

Road trip 101.  First things first.  LT & I are on a road trip to visit the college of his choice that is about 600 miles from home.  It has been quite the adventure so far.  The first thing I learned – always bring an atlas.  Google maps and apple maps may be readily available on your phone, but they are not always the best indicators of the actual route you should take.  When in the world did we start listening to a machine to tell us where to go??!?  I’m firmly convinced that those things are updated by Scooter and Moron in the back room of an un-named tech company where they have been spending their days on drinking or smoking pot!  I kid.  I’m sure those products work fantastically.  However, I’m also certain that the people who wrote the code for them have never been inside the state of Missouri.  They can’t possibly know what they are doing.  We were driving around rural Missouri for 2 hours before I said enough – get back to a main highway!   Then, miraculously we found the western edge of Missouri and were on our way…I was so frustrated.  At least we were listening to Jim Gaffigan who had me laughing so hard I was crying.  Finally a good reason to cry. 

I’ve been having a rough time.  I’m not sure if it is all the change with LT, tiring of the drama with Jack’s drinking/alcoholism, my own hormones or what.  I cry all of the time. Over nothing.  Over everything.  I’m trying some changes to my antidepressants, so hopefully that will help SOON.

I’m currently trying to relax while LT is off at the U bonding with his fellow freshmen.  I hope it will work – for both of our sakes.  I do think he is in the write place.  After the orientation yesterday, I feel confident that he can thrive here.  Succeed.  Not just make it.  As long as he takes advantage of every opportunity for help that they offer, he will flourish.  That is my prayer for him. 

Back after a Brief Techology Free Weekend

I just spent the weekend free of Technology, and it was so lovely.  It was a beautiful day Friday, and had the day off work so I was pampered!  I no longer have the gray hair that belies my young age...haha.  So now I continue with my 100 listing, and I'll try to do 20 just to be self-disciplined and all...

     21.  While living with an Alcoholic is not something I would wish on anyone, there are still more days of blessings than of curses.  I'm thankful for that.
     22.  There is very often an irony in people's lives that they don't see - case in point - Jack so wants - still at mid-50s - his father's approval.  His father is never going to show it in the way Jack needs to see it.  Every day LT wants Jack's approval.  Jack is never going to show it in the way LT needs to see it.  I hope LT hears me and knows that we love him no matter what - his worth is not based on his performance.
     23.  I still love to garden and am so thankful that we have the space in our yard for flowers and beauty.
     24.  Watching your children grow up is hard.  Much more difficult than being overwhelmed when they were small.  If only you could know that when they are small. 
     25.  I still wonder how two (or more) children can start out with the same 2 parents and come out so completely different, act with completely differing sets of morals and actions.  They experienced the same parenting, yet are wired nothing alike.
     26.  Just when you think winter will never end, spring arrives.  What a relief.
     27.  The unconditional love of a dog is an amazing gift.
     28.  God will work things out in a better way than you can possibly imagine, if you can be patient and trust that He knows what He's doing.  And with the exception of your own actions/reactions, you are not in control.  At All.  Ever.
     29.  There was a time when I thought I could protect my children from any harm.  I was wrong.
     30.  I was also wrong about my ability to change someone else.
     31.  It's awesome to see God working in the everyday.
     32.  Once upon a time, we lived with no television.  It was wonderful.
     33.  It was during that time that my love of reading grew into a passion.
     34.  What you put into your mind definitely affects what you feel in your heart.
     35.  You have to laugh or you will cry.  Laughter is always better.
     36.  "Make hay while the sun's shining" is kind of an ironic saying to me since the only time hay baling is ever done seems to be the hottest, most humid day(s) of the year.
     37.  Why are there Braille letters on a drive-up ATM?
     38.  Naps are wasted on children.  The parents are the ones who need the naps - still.
     39.  Seeing your children performing music is a gift.  Don't take it for granted.
     40.  Knowing how to have a conversation with people face to face seems to be a dying art.  Let's practice it more often.

Okay, that's all I've got for today.  In case you're wondering, that leaves 60 more bits of knowledge left for me to impart.  It's like I'm some kind of oracle.  Ha ha ha ha.
Have a great Monday.

Some Things Change...Some Things Stay the Same

I think spring is finally coming.  Not here, but coming.  It's a weird sort of winter we have had, and it makes spring all the more welcome to me!  Things are changing - looking at graduation for LT.  He went to a dance, and held hands with a girl.  I mean seriously - on our couch - in our house - I may have had a small panic attack.  I understand this is normal behavior for 18 y-o boys, but my baby?!!  My boy?!?  No, this is not normal!  LOL - God is working on stretching me.  I got it - But seriously??? I don't think you understand how my mind was blown.  Anyway, that is changing. He has to commit to a college any day, and there's that to look forward to as well.
To the things that stay the same...Jack and his drinking, blame gaming, and childishness.  I am trying to extend grace.  And sometimes I'm better at that than others.  It's just really hard some days, and I let my exasperation show.  Believe me, I'm paying for it.  But, I also have grace shown to me - a reminder of what is in my control and what is not...a reminder of what I can control and what I can't.  So I move on.  Changing slowly, but changing with the grace that comes from a God who is bigger than this life and any trial that comes.
God is good, and I was reminded of that too!  Had a great time at a retreat where God's love overflowed, and it was amazing to see that in the faces and the lives of the women there.

Take one day at a time, and let God do what is His to do.  I have plenty to take care of in my own head. 

....closing that chapter

LT and I made the trip over to his biological chromosome donator's funeral last night.  Maggie didn't want to go, and I saw no reason she should, so we were by ourselves.  Not going to lie - a little bit nervous.  In the end, after much prayer and covering by others in prayer - there was grace in the whole situation.  We were welcomed with love and hugs by those who loved us before, and even some who weren't so loving.  LT was able to say goodbye to the person who left so long ago.  And I think some healing was done by all.
If it weren't for my experiences in Al-Anon and with all the caring people in my home group, I know I couldn't have driven to that town, let alone entered the place with LT.  So thankful for forgiveness, healing, and grace.  That is what we all hope to offer and be offered in this life.
So today, I look with grace upon Jack.  Praying some day that he will feel it and be able to return it.
So proud of LT and what a kind, thoughtful young man he is.  Truly blessed.


art.by.WifeGoesOn

 

Thankfully, it feels okay.  It feels like we can close that chapter of our life.  Our hurts, our fears, our tears, our pain.  All of it is behind us now.  We no longer have to live in fear that he will show up and want something from any of us.  I'm thankful for God's protection all this time, and what we now have for today and every day after this.




Looking Back, Looking Forward - Happy New Year

I really don't care for the holidays anymore.  Pretty much after my ex-husband punched me in the face in the car in front of our children on the way to his parents' house, my view of them went steadily down hill.   Since that year, there have been bad holidays with a capital B (as if that weren't the worst one...) and there have been good holidays.  There have been times I've really felt the nearness of God and the world looked pretty good.  Remarkably this was more of the pretty good variety.  Even with having to dish out about six grand on 3 home/appliance/features that are required for 1st world living - or even 2nd world living.  There weren't any big gifts or fancy celebrations.  It was just calm, mostly.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year.  The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me.  I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic.  But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem.  You don't need to pick it up.  Set it back down and let him deal with his issue."  I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting.  Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles.  He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.

Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.

 

Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, safe and peaceful new year.

It's a Great Day in the Neighborhood

I've been such a bad blogger.  It's been almost 2 months or more since I've written anything.  And now, summer is almost over. I was thinking this morning that God has been so good, and I need to recognize that "out loud" or in writing.
Nothing is perfect, but things are more calm on many fronts.  After a mission trip with Maggie and Abby, and LT on his own mission trip that left Jack and the wonder-dog home alone, we've had good days.  Not alcohol-free days by any means, but good days, nonetheless.  Before that were some good days as well.  We've survived a visit from my in-laws (a first in 6 years!!), a job being secured by Abby, the promise of a driving permit for LT, and tennis lessons for Maggie. Wow, and it's only the end of July!!
I love to see what God is doing.  He's working on our family.  Perhaps not as quickly as I'd like, but I do see progress.  After summer school, LT has his grades up to where he could be eligible for some scholarships - that would be WONDERFUL!  And Abby and Maggie are working well together as Abby prepares for her new job.  Abby's mom is not being particularly fabulous at the moment, but that's pretty typical. 
Our mission trip was fantastic.  We had great weather (warmer at home than on a tropical island!), no rain, great friends made and a blessing of worship at their local church.  I love when we can shout to the hills and worship my God!
The sunset tonight was so beautiful.  I hope I can find a photo of it to share.  I'll even post a second time today if I find it!
Please pray for my mama. She'll be having knee replacement surgery in the coming days.  I know she needs it, but it's scary to see that your mom isn't indestructable.  I just tell her she's coming out as Wonder Woman, 2.0.
God's blessings to you.
WGO

There are DAYS...

Today, I want to be part of Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say. 
There are days when I just don't think I can go on one more day. Today I faced the fact that LT missed the bus AGAIN - with 2 days left of school.  This could mean in-school suspension and missing a final.  How could I allow this to happen - I feel like such a failure.  But you know what, my consequences haven't had an impact on getting that 17 y-o boy out of bed.  Maybe some more drastic school consequences will make a difference.  Maybe not.  That's the thing about boys - sometimes your bottom of the barrel isn't theirs. 

And really, in the grand scheme of things, he's a good kid, almost a senior, holds a job and is very kind to others (except his sisters, on occasion), and wants to participate in mission trips and volunteers at church. And I know God has prepared him for exactly the right path.  He just likes to sleep in!

There are days I don't think I can take one more day of Jack's drinking.  I get so tired of working my program, remembering that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.  It gets so old hearing his comments about how much this woman or that woman wants him.  I have learned to not let it sit in my head and beat me down, to realize he's insecure and it's not about me, but I just get so tired.  I get so tired of having to be the one who realizes that I need to make changes.  But then I realize how much Al-Anon and other friends have helped me to be the person I am today.  I'm not so afraid any more.  Fear doesn't rule my every thought. I'm strong, I'm a child of God, and I'm loved.  I have good kids, a great dog, and amazing friends (see Louise!!).  Then Jack will hold me and say how thankful he is that I put up with him.  How glad he is that I'm his wife, and I know - absolutely KNOW that God is here in the midst of this chaos and He's working in it.  And that's enough for me.

There are days I can't bear the thought of Abby moving back home after college.  Her lack of desire to be on her own, being responsible and being with a boy that she has said pushed her.  If that is what she told us about, then it was worse and she's now thinking of living with him.  But it's not my battle to fight.  I can say all the truth in the world, but she's 21 and she has to make her own mistakes, I guess.  Then she will tell me that she wants me to go shopping with her, not her mom, because I always make her feel pretty when we're done.  And I cry for the part of her that hears discouragement from her mom.  And I know God is here.

There are days when I can't stand that Maggie is a chatterbox and wants to be in my personal space and always hug me or hang on me or hold my hand.  She is dramatic and has attitude and sasses me and wants my help but doesn't want to take it.  She tells me to stop watching her when she's playing soccer and makes a mistake.  Like it's my fault.  But then I remember that she's 15 and it's her job to be dramatic, and sassy.  I remember that there will come a day when she will be too busy with a boy to hug me, and her life will be filled with college and friends and sports and work, and I'll be without her smile and quick with.  And I know God is going to do big things with this girl.

There are days when I miss my grandma so much that it hurts.  Even after 5 years.  It feels like yesterday.

There are days when I want to hide under the covers and not come out.  To be left alone and not have to deal with all this mess.  But then I realize how fortunate I am.  I have a home that wasn't flattened in a tornado, I have a husband who holds a job and loves us all in the best way he can, and sometimes we get to see it.  I have children who are safe and healthy and smart and loving.  My parents and sister are healthy and safe and we all love each other.  We know how to laugh.

There are days when I thank God for all that I have and more importantly all the love in my life.  Those are the best days of all.

God at Work, Part 2

Sunday, 12/23, the three children and I head to church, before which the girls try to persuade Jack to go with us to Grandma's.  Nope, he's not going.  We head off to church and enjoy our time.  Upon our return, to check one more time if he'd go with us, we leave him to his sourness and head to grandma's.  While there, we have a great time, but no one mentions Jack - it's so weird that we all know about things being strange, but we never talk about it.  Well, at least not then.  We have a great Christmas, enjoy being with all of the kids and my family.  It felt really good to be able to let it go.  Enjoy the moment, all of that.  When we got home, it was very uncomfortable, Jack being his usual moodswing self, not wanting to talk to anyone, etc.  But my parents had gotten him something that I thought he'd really like.  The kids ran it in, placed it in front of him, and he shouts "Why in the h*#9 would you think I'd want that.  The girls go running off crying, LT rolls his eyes and goes upstairs, and I am pretty furious.  I will say that I was able to say that he was being completely unreasonable, and so he left to "get something to eat," because in this state of mind, he never eats with us, won't eat the food we have in the house, it's all very weird. 
Abby goes home to her mom's house, the kids and I head off to our rooms for bed, and Jack sleeps in the spare bedroom again.  It was shaping up to be a horrendous holiday, once again.
However, this time - God was moving - even in the midst of all the chaos.

Monday 12/24 - We awaken to crabby dad, and Maggie & I begin to prepare our Christmas cookies, rolls, etc.  Mid day, we decide that Abby will come over for dinner that night, as she had plans with her mom's family after our Christmas morning festivities.  Jack continued to stomp around and be generally horrible.  When I tried to talk to him about Abby coming over, he said to eat without him.  I began questioning him, calmly for a change, with what we had done to make him so upset.  He proceeded to say he was packing a bag and going to a hotel so he wouldn't have to "put up" with the "crap" anymore. When I asked what I was doing that he was having to "put up" with, he grumbled un-coherently and stomped up the steps.  Well, in mid jumping in drama, I went up and told him that if he left it was his choice, but that wasn't what I wanted, and it wasn't what the kids wanted.  I told him that families that love each other work things out - they don't leave whenever they want to.  He left, and I was shaking I was so upset, angry, something.  I don't do anger well, so maybe that's what I was and just didn't know it.  I told the kids I'd be back because I needed to calm down.
When I got back 20 minutes later, he was there.  We began talking, and he was being much more calm and reasonable.  I was suspicious, but continued the conversation.  It came out that he was frustrated by LT's lack of motivation, lack of attention to anything (pretty much breathing and being a 17 year-old), but when I told him Families worked things out, it got his attention.  He told me he heard the exact same thing on Jerry Spr*&ger earlier in the day - and he remembered it and wanted to do things differently.  Well, let's just say I'm not one of Jerry's biggest fans, but after this - maybe I can tolerate him from afar!  LOL.  He said he was tired of not feeling like a family (but he still doesn't see that his drinking and his actions drive all of us to seclusion), and he wants to do things differently.  Abby was on her way over for dinner by this time, but afraid to come in the door.  She did, we proceeded to have our Christmas meal, and it was obvious he was doing better, but we were still skeptical. 

It was then that God's hand became real - Jack asked what time he needed to be ready so we could all go to church together.  I may have cried a bit while I was in the shower as we all prepared to go to midnight services.  We sat together, in one row, in church - the last time he was there had to be 3 years ago or more when Maggie had a concert.  It was amazing.  He said afterwards that he was thankful that we were all there together.

God is good, all the time.  And working, even when we can't see.
to be continued....

It was a Merry Christmas - God at work - Part 1

If you would have told me what the last 4 days would hold, I'd have gone into a hole before it happened.  However, I'm not privy to foreseeing the future, so I just lived it as it came. 
Saturday - started out great.  Went to breakfast, finished up some last minute shopping, just Jack and me, prepared some food together with Abby.  Maggie was with her grandma, working on preparing for Christmas at their house on Sunday.  LT was busy hiding in his room so he wouldn't get yelled at.  I had worked hard, so decided to pick up BFF, Louise, and go for mani/pedis.  It is our little treat to ourselves when we feel stressed.  As I'm almost done with that, I get a series of urgent texts from Maggie.  She's been getting them from Abby - saying Jack is freaking out about LT having a new tv in his room. 
(about this time you should know that LT got his TV in early October, purchased with his own money, and I picked it up for him.  At that time and most of the time since then, Jack was "out of parenting" with LT, so I didn't see any reason to involve him in the decision.)  I return Louise to her house (at this point, LT is working), and pray my way back home.  I go in, and as usual, you can cut the tension with a knife.  I ask how Jack and Abby are, what they have been doing, and Jack asks me to come upstairs with him.  That's either really good or really bad, never in the middle.  We get to LT's room and he's got some things out of LT's closet and piled around, including the box for the TV, a game console thingy that went to the computer and he had ordered LT to dipsose of it or store it out of the computer room, and some video games that went to LT's ps something.  In case you can't tell, video games are not my thing.  Jack demands to know what is going on and why LT has this tv, where did the game console thing come from and when did he buy the games.  While yelling at me. 
Um yeah, I don't respond well when yelled at.  Despite all the drama I've been through in the past 5 years, it has been worse in my first marriage and that isn't something I respond well to.  And normally it's not a problem - even with the alcoholic that is Jack.
I said the console thingy was from downstairs, you told him to bring it up.  The games - he's had these.  I haven't taken him anywhere to get them. The tv - well, here's where I screwed up royally, and i'm not even going to try to make it okay.  I lied and said he'd traded his 19" tv with his grandma for this 32" one.  Jack freaked out and told me to have him take it back to grandma, and that he wasn't going to grandma's house on Sunday because he was cleaning LTs room and there'd be nothing left. 
At this point, I am feeling like this is a TV mini-series.  Maybe i'm giving too many details.  However, seeing this in print does kind of make it real and obvious to me that i jumped right back into the crazy with both feet, and yikes, that stinks. 
So LT (at 11 pm when gets home from work) decides that he's taking everything that is his to grandma's house on Sunday and begins to pack it up right then and there.  Of course, this is after Jack has decided (while I was gone to pick up LT) to move into the spare room which shares the wall with LT (at the headboard end, of course).  I am trying to stay sane and wrap gifts downstairs, when Jack comes stomping down the stairs to the living room and says he's sleeping there because it's too loud upstairs.  Can you say passive agressive?

I promise God is working through all this, but I must post before I become a novel writer...to be continued.

PYHO - Focusing on What Matters

Over at Things I Can't Say, she is hosting this week's Pour Your Heart Out.  As usual in my life, I'm a day late.  But I love her prompts.  They force me to see what is important in life.  So, I begin my own PYHO today.  Focusing on What Matters
I used to LOVE Christmas.  I mean love everything about it.  As the oldest grandchild, I always helped my grandma.  She had a big family, and as they all multiplied, we would usually have about 50 people - aunts, uncles, cousins for the holiday celebrations.  I would help her get out her decorations, put them up, clean up afterwards.  We'd have baking days when we'd make cookies, days to make cheeseball.  My sister and I always wrapped every gift she purchased for that big family.  We laughed, we had fun. I was always excited to get out the church that played Silent Night - it was made of some weird cardboard concoction that had some spongy snow on it.  It was probably asbestos, but so far we've mostly survived!  My cousin recently posted a photo from her childhood in front of the tree, presents stacked all around.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Five years after my grandma's death, I still miss her every day. 
After the first stop on the insanity train (marriage number 1 - I'm still not ready to discuss that openly), the holidays became dreaded to me.  If not for my kids who were just babies, then toddlers, I would have been happy to not even celebrate Christmas.  But I went through the motions. 
Now that Jack and I are married, it's still not my favorite time of year.  So far, every Christmas, he has had a bout of depression/period of the down side of undiagnosed bi-polar, something that has taken the fun out of Christmas.  I can never do or say the right thing.  I don't put the tree in the right place, and on and on.  I can't remember any Christmas that wasn't covered in a gray cloud.
This year, though, I've resolved to focus on what matters.  It's not about the fact that we don't have one single decoration out or up yet, not about the fact that we are again in that "winter doldrums" with his behavior.  It is about helping others and being God's hands and feet on this earth.  For the first time, I've actually volunteered to help during the community Christmas.  I've done things behind the scenes, but never interacted.  I'm going to do so.  I've been helping in some other ways that help me to remember why we have Christmas in the first place.  And when I do those things, I think of my grandma then.  It's not about the decorations or the color of lights on the tree, it's about people and relationships.  Even if Jack doesn't want to stop drinking and participate in life, I do.  So I'm going to focus on that and go on - Wife Goes On...with or without him.


I hope you'll stop over on the blog and read others' posts.  It is very heartwarming.

We Shall See

Life continues to go on here in the land of Crazytown.  Jack seemed better after I had a little melt down, which is not my finest moment.  I don't know if it's hormones, or nearing menopause or what, but I've really been an emotional roller coaster.  Hopefully some outpatient surgery this week will help in many ways. 
I kind of hate that I broke down in front of him, but really it was just the last straw when I had had it with his crappy attitude.  I am mad at myself for letting him see me that way and for telling him what was wrong.  In the end, I guess it worked out, becuase he was really there for me on Thursday when I had yet another medical issue come to light.  Grace in the small things.
LT continues to work but struggles with one of his classes.  I really don't want him to quit his job, but seriously - hello - college??!!  Anyone interested in attending!?!  Oh well, out of my control.  And really, he's doing better than when he wasn't working.
Miss Maggie just keeps on being her chipper self, except when she has stayed up all night at a sleepover.  Thank goodness she was able to do it and have fun.  And for the first time since she was 15 months old, she took a NAP!!  Woo hoo.  I was beginning to think I had the wrong child!
I finished reading Diane Keaton's memoir.  I highly recommend.  It was really good, and really neat how she talked about her mom. 
Please keep us in your thoughts.  Rough for the kids to think I'm sick.  Should be in and out in a few hours then home.  God has a plan, and I'm going to keep following Him. 

"Come to me all who are Weary"

I loved the freedom of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, so I'm doing it again.

As most, if not all moms are, I'm tired.  The last few weeks have brought some issues up and drained my energy mentally, physically and emotionally.  I find myself asking, "when will this end?"!  But then, in the usual way, God sends me a little nugget of truth.  A parcel of wisdom.  So let's take the good view of the world and focus on that. 

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.""  Matthew 11:28 NLT.

I love this verse, because all of us moms carry heavy burdens.  Some struggle with a child with special needs, some struggle with a child with substance abuse, some of us struggle with teenager who won't do their homework or clean their rooms, some struggle with the baby or toddler who won't take a nap.  Some of us struggle with children who has cancer and may not live to see the next birthday.  We are carrying heavy burdens.  But thank goodness, Jesus reminds us that He will help us to rest.  I'm so thankful that I have this reminder.  When I give up carrying my burdens and turn them over to Him, I'm relieved of that load on my own.  It's so freeing. 

Some days it is just too much.  Trying to keep myself together, keep the family together.  Not knowing what we will come home to, how much Jack will drink, how he will act.  All the unknowns and the busy-ness of this world.  I'm so thankful to be able again and again to turn my burdens and my worries over to Jesus.  He will help me.  All I have to do is ASK.  Now there is the hard part!

Here is to a week of turning to Jesus and seeking rest.

A brief rant, and some Joy

I've decided that growing up, we must have been lucky to survive to adulthood.  Some of the people I'm around today, seriously, get a life.  You are 21 years old, life isn't always neat and pretty.  People aren't always nice. Things don't always go your way.  Grow up and get on with it. 
This rant was brought to you by the evil stepmother. Thank you for your understanding!
ARRGGHHH!

Okay, now that I have that out of the way, carry on.  I love spring, and I'm so glad that everything is blooming.  Lilacs!!  Woo hoo, everywhere.  I have such great friends, and have "met" some fabulous internet people.  God is good, and Joy is where we look for it.  I love this saying, "Joy is always a function of gratitude and gratitude is always a function of perspective.  If we are going to change our lives, what we're going to have to change is the way we see." Ann Voskamp

I'm going to be purposeful today in seeing Joy.  I hope you have some visible to you as well.

And trusting God works!!

So yesterday was the "court date" for the reduction in child support.  I didn't really think about it all weekend, I didn't feel worried or scared.  Whenever I did start to think of it, I'd say - God, I know you the outcome, so I'm going to leave it with you.  Once Jack & I got to the courthouse, I was a bit nervous.  More worried about actually being in the same room with the ex (after 8 years) than anything else.  We stayed in the courtroom because every time the elevator opened, I jumped out of my skin.  That was a better plan than continuing to be startled for 20 minutes.  When he and two other people came in, I just happened to look up and out of the corner of my eye, recognized him, although he is extremely swollen from the chemo/radiation.  I instantly started shaking, and Jack grabbed my hand.  When it was our turn, I was able to speak for myself (trying this with no lawyer, as it is what it is, no lawyer will make it different).  He has been awarded SSDI, so that is that.  They provided me with a copy of his award letter, and the kids will be eligible for a benefit from that.  So I guess he gets what he wanted, no child support directly. I didn't ask for back support because it is minimal in the grand scheme of things and I just wanted this to be over.  We waited and moved slowly to get out of the court-room as I didn't want to run into him, but his current wife (CW) asked if we could talk and she had sent him down with the other person - I think his caregiver.  The CW said that they'd been trying to reach me to set up trusts for the children, because he was given 2 years to live in April 2011.  They were using the wrong name at the post office box, so it was being returned.  She also said that ex's parents came into the hospital room in April 2011 right before brain surgery and had ex sign papers saying all his estate would be split between his two brothers instead of going to his wife and children.  All I can say is leopards don't change their spots.  I really got the feeling that CW is being genuine.  She said that she and ex were separated for 2 years prior to him being diagnosed w/cancer.  She came back to take care of him because there was no one else.  I say she's a better woman than I am. 
I ended up taking the whole day off from work so I could go to the Soc. Sec. office.  After a very long time there and a very kind worker (a little shocking, but I'm not going to lie - she was fantastic), she told me the kids would each be getting a monthly stipend from SS, and it totals more than child support was.
God knew this all along.  I'm glad I trusted His plan.  I would have totally screwed it up!
It's a new day, new mercies, and the sun is shining.  Thank you God for your serenity and the prayers to remember it.  And really - Jack was amazing.  That is the man I married.  It was my privilege and honor to have him next to me.

God is Good - All the Time

The past week has been one of the most heart-wrenching for me as a mother that I've experienced in 10 years.  Last time I had such a struggle, my babies were just the victims, and I was in full on protection mode - I simply acted.  This time around - one of those babies had made his own bed at 16, and had to figure out his own way out.  I was pretty powerless to help.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I had worried myself into a "dither."  And even though I was crying out to God, turning him over to God, I couldn't help the worry.  I tried to talk myself into sense, but it was exhausting.  I have now learned that someone was praying very specifically for me yesterday.  God heard those prayers and provided my boy with some wisdom and God moved through our family.  There was reconcilliation where there was previously much discord.  I'm so thankful that I knew to look to God.  Even as I worried, I knew to turn him over to God.
I can also tell you that I used so many of my skills learned in al-anon. I could feel myself getting freaked out - acting on emotion rather than hearing what was true.  I was immediately jumping to what do I need to do thinking, when really, I couldn't control or cure the situation. I'm exhausted from this weekend, but I can also see the good things.  The answered prayers, the realizing my stinking thinking in the middle of it, and re-directing to the truth. 
It's kind of amazing that I ever made it through a day before Al-Anon.  And this wasn't even a direct Alcohol situtation.  Although really, most of the situations we face are colored by the alcoholic's input.  I'm clinging to the truth - I have to live and let live - even when that person is my child.   I have to let Go and let God - even when that person is my child.  I have to take it easy - even when it is my child.
Okay, let's take on the day!

It's been a long time

It is HOT here. So hot. Even on vacation it was HOT. Today was the first day back to work, and apparently, we're going through a bit of a rough patch. However, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and that is to trust God in all things. I can't control what Jack gets ticked off about, and I really don't think that most of the time it's even worthy of spending time being ticked about. I guess that's where our opinions are different...lol. God has been beside me all the time, and I'm not going to stop trusting him now. Please be thinking about both Jack and I. We're both suffering some tummy troubles, not the same ones, but it is hard on the body and the mind when this happens. He even called the dr. today. That's how I know it is serious for him. I'm going to keep trusting. Keep believing what is true, and I'm going to check the moon phase because about 3/4 of the time, that is usually a good predictor of the behavior that will follow. Hope you are enjoying the summer and staying cool.

Wow, a Week later, and God is still in Control

I come here today, to remind myself what is true. Again. It is really work to keep up with re-programming your mind to hear truth, and to reject lies. If I choose to believe lies, I will feel overwhelmed, fearful, sad, angry and rejected. If I choose to belive truth, I feel safe, confident, powerful in God's spirit, whole and loved beyond measure. God showed me again, that he is in control. And sometimes that means being obedient to him by waiting for HIM to work. Not for something I can do, or I am capable of, but something only He can do, and I need to get out of His way. His way is Truth, Light, and Love. May I continue to believe the truth, and may you also. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference

A list

Okay, I've been trying to post more, but today has been hard, so I'm going to post some things I'm thankful for...try to get a perspective.
1. The sun has been making an appearance and has actually been feeling a bit more like spring. Very good.
2. I read a book today that confirmed at a spiritual level what I've been learning and embracing in Al-Anon. Wow -God is good!
3. I'm thankful for friends who pray and put water in my bucket.
4. The kiddos are mostly happy and loving, and it feels good to hug them.
5. The response of my husband to me is not necessarily a true reflection on my worth as a person, or human.
6. My family is amazing.
7. Tomorrow is another day, one full of new mercies.

He's Still There

The day started out as so many do...me wondering if I'd done something wrong, if I had done this or said that, would Jack still be sleeping in the other room. Then I remembered to focus on what is true, what is real. What world I really live in. I talked myself out of the responsibilty when I have none - it isn't my fault, he spends so much time on p(o)rn because it is the easiest, most direct way to avoid human contact to get the endorphins flowing in his disfunctoinal, alcohol-soaked brain. There is nothing I could so, say, or think that would make it any different.
So I went to church. Still believing that God is here, that I'm not alone.
When I got to church, I was running late, as usual. I went inside as the first song ended, got my bulletin, and noticed that someone had written on it. It said "God is in Control." I thought, wow, that is just what I needed to be reminded of today. How cool that they are writing on the bulletins, must be because of Lent. Only, as I looked around, and later as people were leaving, I noticed NO other bulletins had writing on them. Only mine.
I am thankful today for the ways God works. Mysterious, quietly, loudly, amazingly. Just what I needed for the day.
Thank you God. I am not alone.

Growing is a slow process

I have been reading, devouring even, books about coping, living with an alcoholic spouse. Over and over again, the different authors say that with a change in my behavior and reactions, I will feel more sane, and Jake has a better chance of wanting to stop drinking. Lately, those books and words of encouragement are about all that has kept me going. Well, that and the belief that God already knows the outcome of this situation, and I don't need to worry about it. Living with Jack for the past few weeks has been nearly unbearable if I were to allow his behavior and words to penetrate my being any more than I have been. Thank God I have been going to Al-Anon, and have found these books. Sometimes the loneliness is still overwhelming, but I do believe, as one book said, that it is easier if I remember he is acting just like thousands, even millions of other alcoholics. There is nothing super powerful or super-special about Jack. He is an alcoholic. This is what they do. They get worse until they stop drinking or die. I do feel like I'm claiming some of my life back from the alcoholic/co-dependency issues. Small steps - not perfection. Like those flowers I'm planting outside, I must pay attention to my spirit, give it water and nourishment. Only then, will I be able to not only face what life offers, but grow and embrace it. May this weekend give you a peace that passes all understanding. If you are a wife who is lonely, send me a comment or email. I'd love to meet you and be internet friends!