The View from Here

Well, I'm finally feeling better from surgery.  I haven't really felt badly, just exhausted and not able to do much.  I have been pleasantly surprised at how amazing Jack has been and how well he's taken care of me.  It reminds me of the man I married, the one I knew before I knew he drank.  Thank God I'm in a place that I can accept the kindnesses and thoughtfulness and leave the crappy thinking behind me.
I still can't work, but am really enjoying my time off, my time to myself, and the 3 books I've already read, the knitting I'm doing, the peace and quiet.  If the TV is on at all, it's on HGTV.  Yes, this is my life, and I'm now a boring middle-aged woman!  Bahahaha.
Don't get me wrong, the struggles have still been present, but I'm doing better at taking what I like and leaving the rest.  It is a blessing.
LT is doing better this quarter at school.  He does have 2 high Cs, but the rest are all As and Bs.  Let's all continue to pray that this is the new pattern - keeping the highs!  After he overslept 3 of the first 4 days this week, he told me to chill out.  I told him I'd be happy to chill out once he learned to move the alarm so that he'd have to get OUT of the bed and turn off his alarm.  Let's just say, the clock moved and he's made the bus yesterday and today.  I guess that means now I can Chill out!  (Eyes rolled)
Abby finally got a job.  Not in her degree area, but it is a paying job.  That is a good thing all around.  Maggie is miss positivity or miss attitude.  Take your pick, but probably not the one you are ready for when it is about to happen! I love my teenagers, I love my teenagers...She says to herself repeatedly!
The best news is I finally am feeling much better.  My body seems to be healing and I don't feel exhausted every minute of the day.  Or that could be the daily naps I'm getting.  I'll take it!  The dog and I are best buddies.  She almost has me on her sleep schedule!
If you haven't heard, please run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore, library, or e-reader and purchase Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle.  I read her blog religiously because she makes me laugh out loud.  Usually with some liquid in my mouth, then I spit all over my computer screen but it is so worth it!!!  I can't read it in bed when Jack is sleeping because it makes me laugh until I shake the bed, or cry at it's touching truth of what it is to be a mama and trying to figure out how life makes sense.  I can't recommend it enough if you want to feel uplifted.
Also, yesterday, as part of my self-imposed therapy, I went to the movies and saw "Silver Linings Playbook".  I didn't know anything about it, other than a couple of the ratings I saw online, and they were all positive.  It was a wonderful movie.  No nudity, few cuss words, and truthful portrayal of bi-polar and mental illness.  I didn't cry, and I left feeling good.  And it was on the discounted movie list!  A grand slam!
Hope I can be more diligent about posting now.  It feels like I've been gone forever.
Have a wonderful weekend, and hope you see a good movie or read a great book today!

It was a Merry Christmas - God at work - Part 1

If you would have told me what the last 4 days would hold, I'd have gone into a hole before it happened.  However, I'm not privy to foreseeing the future, so I just lived it as it came. 
Saturday - started out great.  Went to breakfast, finished up some last minute shopping, just Jack and me, prepared some food together with Abby.  Maggie was with her grandma, working on preparing for Christmas at their house on Sunday.  LT was busy hiding in his room so he wouldn't get yelled at.  I had worked hard, so decided to pick up BFF, Louise, and go for mani/pedis.  It is our little treat to ourselves when we feel stressed.  As I'm almost done with that, I get a series of urgent texts from Maggie.  She's been getting them from Abby - saying Jack is freaking out about LT having a new tv in his room. 
(about this time you should know that LT got his TV in early October, purchased with his own money, and I picked it up for him.  At that time and most of the time since then, Jack was "out of parenting" with LT, so I didn't see any reason to involve him in the decision.)  I return Louise to her house (at this point, LT is working), and pray my way back home.  I go in, and as usual, you can cut the tension with a knife.  I ask how Jack and Abby are, what they have been doing, and Jack asks me to come upstairs with him.  That's either really good or really bad, never in the middle.  We get to LT's room and he's got some things out of LT's closet and piled around, including the box for the TV, a game console thingy that went to the computer and he had ordered LT to dipsose of it or store it out of the computer room, and some video games that went to LT's ps something.  In case you can't tell, video games are not my thing.  Jack demands to know what is going on and why LT has this tv, where did the game console thing come from and when did he buy the games.  While yelling at me. 
Um yeah, I don't respond well when yelled at.  Despite all the drama I've been through in the past 5 years, it has been worse in my first marriage and that isn't something I respond well to.  And normally it's not a problem - even with the alcoholic that is Jack.
I said the console thingy was from downstairs, you told him to bring it up.  The games - he's had these.  I haven't taken him anywhere to get them. The tv - well, here's where I screwed up royally, and i'm not even going to try to make it okay.  I lied and said he'd traded his 19" tv with his grandma for this 32" one.  Jack freaked out and told me to have him take it back to grandma, and that he wasn't going to grandma's house on Sunday because he was cleaning LTs room and there'd be nothing left. 
At this point, I am feeling like this is a TV mini-series.  Maybe i'm giving too many details.  However, seeing this in print does kind of make it real and obvious to me that i jumped right back into the crazy with both feet, and yikes, that stinks. 
So LT (at 11 pm when gets home from work) decides that he's taking everything that is his to grandma's house on Sunday and begins to pack it up right then and there.  Of course, this is after Jack has decided (while I was gone to pick up LT) to move into the spare room which shares the wall with LT (at the headboard end, of course).  I am trying to stay sane and wrap gifts downstairs, when Jack comes stomping down the stairs to the living room and says he's sleeping there because it's too loud upstairs.  Can you say passive agressive?

I promise God is working through all this, but I must post before I become a novel writer...to be continued.

Groundhog Day...in December

You may or may not have gone backwards in reading my blog (all 5 people :o)), but I just had an inspiration to look at last year's posts.  You may remember this.  I didn't remember until I re-read it, however...I don't need to write a post for what is going on today, because you can read that one and still be caught up to date.  The exact same place, only 9 days earlier.  Just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
Jack is back in the spare bedroom, and frankly, I can't say I'm sad about that.  If he's going to act like an idiot, I'm okay with him doing it away from me.  There was a new development.  Last night when I got home after working late, there was crap all over the bed and floor in that room.  It looked like the closet (which we use for storage of unused items) had exploded.  Then there was a horrible grinding noise.  I went to see what was up - and he was drilling a hole in the closet wall - saying he was moving a shelf.  The shelving system is the type with the pre-drilled holes where you insert pegs and rest the shelf on the pegs.  I'm not sure where you would drill a half-inch hole in that, but okay.  I just said be careful.
Detachment.  Yes, I'm learning to really love detachment.  It is becoming my friend instead of a dreaded stranger.
I will still never understand how he can just come and go with his "participation" in our family.  Next week should be an interesting experience as we have a meal with his dad and step-mom who live about 2 hours away and we haven't seen in 4 years.  I'm sure THAT will be really fun.  At least it should provide good blog material.
Another year older, and getting out of denial and craziness.  Now that is a good thing.

Keep Coming Back, It works if you Work It

I have to say that I am shocked. At first I thought it was suprise. But really, it is shocked. I am shocked because over the last few weeks of Jack's "episode" of not involving in the family, crass comments, usual stuff has resulted in a different response from me. I let him be in that place. I didn't try to stop it, I didn't try to fix it, I didn't try to control it. I continued to act the way I would any other day. And it was WONDERFUL! I truly learned what it meant to detach. I've struggled so hard with that word, that verb, that process, everything about detachment has seemed impossible to me. However, It really Worked!!! Just like they say in Al-Anon - Keep Coming Back, It Works if you Work It and we Work It because We're WORTH It!
It even seemed to have a good effect on the kids. What a blessing to finally see progress in ME! And the situation resolved itself like always, only I didn't have all those bad feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt. What a relief!
I only wish everyone who lives with an alcoholic could see that light of hope - even for a moment.

Holidays - They are here

Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted. I really need to be more regular. I have lots I want to say, but it is hard when there are always people around. The Thanksgiving holiday ended up being pleasant - included all the kids, and I am indeed thankful for that. As usual, the weekend conclusion brought back the alcoholic reality. Thanks be to God, that I am not reacting in the same ways this time. I think I have finally realized what detachment looks like. I don't want anything bad to happen to AH, but I am not going to be sucked in to the crazymaking behavior if I can help it at all. We have a home, health, great kids, and I am not going to let his drinking ruin those things as long as I can help it. Thank you to Al-Anon and to gettingthemsober.com for the wisdom and help to find sanity in the midst of insane behavior. There is no way that people who have never lived in this situation can understand. I'm so thankful for understanding. And for prayers. May you all have a great Monday. May we all have a peace that passes all understanding today.

Seeing it play out

I have been reading a lot about secondary alcohol disease, and the progression of alcoholism if untreated in the alcoholic. While it is scary to think about, it is also empowering to see that the changes, the patterns of behavior, the cycles, are part of a disease. Although it is still hard - sometimes I get sucked in to the game of blaming me for the alcoholics problems, knowledge of the disease is power. I saw what was happening, and I stopped. I remembered where my boundaries were. It was amazing. I stopped the panic, the fear. It had now power over me. Thank you Toby Rice Drews for your insightful words and your belief that we shouldn't blame the family. Check out this website: http://www.gettingthemsober.com/ . Although I don't think the title is so accurate - unless (as I've just had a revelation...) it is referring to getting the "family" sober. Hmmm, maybe I just had an epiphany! As we can not get them sober - but we can control our own "sobriety." This has been a big help to me. May it also be to you! God is still in control. Thank goodness! Have a great fall day

A first, and a second...

I'm not quite sure what to call this post. In some ways, it has been a really bad week. But in some ways, more personal, it has been a really good week. It has been the first week where I have truly not lived in a reaction to the way my dear alcoholic has been treating me or acting. I really stepped away - detached - and just lived my life this week. I admit, it was a little scary, but incredibly freeing. I think I finally get the whole detachment idea that I have been struggling with so much. As very much of a people pleaser, it is very difficult to not want to make things all better. In this situation, and many others, I'm realizing, I.can't.do.it.
What a relief. I am not in charge of this person's happiness. While I wish that it was within my power to help, to make things better, it is NOT. I don't have that kind of power. It's really freeing.
On another front, I've also been doing a lot better at not paying any attention to the ramblings of a drunk. They are just words. Words have no power if they are not true. Words that are spoken aloud are not necessarily true. All are new-found ideas to me. I rather enjoy the reality!
Thank you God for showing me your presence this week. I am so thankful for your faithfullness and your care, even when I don't deserve it.

Weary, Remember Detachment, What is Important

I have been trying so hard to do what is in my control and leave the rest. It seems like I'm not doing so well. I guess what I need to remember is detachment with love. Not let the alcoholic's moods and drama rule my life. I can continue to show love, be there if he is ready for change, but really - he's not going to change right now. I know God is in control. Even here. Ultimately, God has to choose the time that is right to show me another choice. I choose to wait patiently (at least that's my goal) on the Lord. His timing is perfect, and He doesn't make mistakes. He is always here for me, I can trust Him. In God is where I choose to put my trust. Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief. thank you for loving me anyway.