Some Things Change...Some Things Stay the Same

I think spring is finally coming.  Not here, but coming.  It's a weird sort of winter we have had, and it makes spring all the more welcome to me!  Things are changing - looking at graduation for LT.  He went to a dance, and held hands with a girl.  I mean seriously - on our couch - in our house - I may have had a small panic attack.  I understand this is normal behavior for 18 y-o boys, but my baby?!!  My boy?!?  No, this is not normal!  LOL - God is working on stretching me.  I got it - But seriously??? I don't think you understand how my mind was blown.  Anyway, that is changing. He has to commit to a college any day, and there's that to look forward to as well.
To the things that stay the same...Jack and his drinking, blame gaming, and childishness.  I am trying to extend grace.  And sometimes I'm better at that than others.  It's just really hard some days, and I let my exasperation show.  Believe me, I'm paying for it.  But, I also have grace shown to me - a reminder of what is in my control and what is not...a reminder of what I can control and what I can't.  So I move on.  Changing slowly, but changing with the grace that comes from a God who is bigger than this life and any trial that comes.
God is good, and I was reminded of that too!  Had a great time at a retreat where God's love overflowed, and it was amazing to see that in the faces and the lives of the women there.

Take one day at a time, and let God do what is His to do.  I have plenty to take care of in my own head. 

Thankfully, I'm still Here & Alive

Wow, I can't believe I disappeared off the radar for so long.  Life has a tendency to do that - get so busy that I just get sucked in and the next thing you know- it's a month later. Wow.  Life goes on here in Wife's world.  Miss Maggie is playing tennis.  She's fantastic but hard on herself.  For not playing since she was 6 years old, I think she's quite fabulous!  I may be a bit partial.  I'm back to work full time.  I'm very thankful for my job and co-workers, but I miss all that time to do things at home.  Ah well, such a good problem to have.
Abby is working!!  At a job she went to school for!!  It is temporary, but a good start.  Hurray.  Now, on to a permanent assignment.  Baby-steps. That is the key.
LT has been taking college board tests.  He's doing amazingly well.  Further proof that he is smarter than his grades lead you to believe.  I wonder if I've hurt him by being exposed to Jack and his criticism.  Well, I'm just being miss honesty and forthrightness today.  Hummmmm.  Still, in this world, I like to see the good.  How can I make the world a better place?  I'm starting with my space in the corner of the universe.  Lord, help me see what is good right here and now.
I have more in my head to write, but I'm going to go for now.  I hope everyone is having a great day and that you can see the Sun!!

The View from Here

Well, I'm finally feeling better from surgery.  I haven't really felt badly, just exhausted and not able to do much.  I have been pleasantly surprised at how amazing Jack has been and how well he's taken care of me.  It reminds me of the man I married, the one I knew before I knew he drank.  Thank God I'm in a place that I can accept the kindnesses and thoughtfulness and leave the crappy thinking behind me.
I still can't work, but am really enjoying my time off, my time to myself, and the 3 books I've already read, the knitting I'm doing, the peace and quiet.  If the TV is on at all, it's on HGTV.  Yes, this is my life, and I'm now a boring middle-aged woman!  Bahahaha.
Don't get me wrong, the struggles have still been present, but I'm doing better at taking what I like and leaving the rest.  It is a blessing.
LT is doing better this quarter at school.  He does have 2 high Cs, but the rest are all As and Bs.  Let's all continue to pray that this is the new pattern - keeping the highs!  After he overslept 3 of the first 4 days this week, he told me to chill out.  I told him I'd be happy to chill out once he learned to move the alarm so that he'd have to get OUT of the bed and turn off his alarm.  Let's just say, the clock moved and he's made the bus yesterday and today.  I guess that means now I can Chill out!  (Eyes rolled)
Abby finally got a job.  Not in her degree area, but it is a paying job.  That is a good thing all around.  Maggie is miss positivity or miss attitude.  Take your pick, but probably not the one you are ready for when it is about to happen! I love my teenagers, I love my teenagers...She says to herself repeatedly!
The best news is I finally am feeling much better.  My body seems to be healing and I don't feel exhausted every minute of the day.  Or that could be the daily naps I'm getting.  I'll take it!  The dog and I are best buddies.  She almost has me on her sleep schedule!
If you haven't heard, please run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore, library, or e-reader and purchase Sparkly Green Earrings by Melanie Shankle.  I read her blog religiously because she makes me laugh out loud.  Usually with some liquid in my mouth, then I spit all over my computer screen but it is so worth it!!!  I can't read it in bed when Jack is sleeping because it makes me laugh until I shake the bed, or cry at it's touching truth of what it is to be a mama and trying to figure out how life makes sense.  I can't recommend it enough if you want to feel uplifted.
Also, yesterday, as part of my self-imposed therapy, I went to the movies and saw "Silver Linings Playbook".  I didn't know anything about it, other than a couple of the ratings I saw online, and they were all positive.  It was a wonderful movie.  No nudity, few cuss words, and truthful portrayal of bi-polar and mental illness.  I didn't cry, and I left feeling good.  And it was on the discounted movie list!  A grand slam!
Hope I can be more diligent about posting now.  It feels like I've been gone forever.
Have a wonderful weekend, and hope you see a good movie or read a great book today!

Are We There Yet?

I've been out of town for a week, in a western desert state where the sun was out EVERY day.  It was wonderful.  I was with Jack, and even that was a great experience.  I was intending to come today and write about that, and how thankful I am for that time.
I am thankful for that time.  I am thankful for every day, every minute of that time.  I'm thankful for every day when LT & Maggie's grandparents were with them and made them feel loved and cared for.
Unfortunately, last night, reality struck. My only question is, are we there yet??????  Have we reached rock bottom?  Nope.  Jack has not reached rock bottom.  I, however, am starting to feel the rocks on the bottom as they tear at my hands that I'm using to hold myself up.
Tomorrow is d-day for me, or s-day.  I'm having some surgery, that while it isn't expected to be serious, it is making me uneasy.  I'm trying not to worry, not let fear bring me down.  In the midst of all of this, Jack's alcoholic behavior is driving a bigger wedge in our family than ever before. 
While I don't condone at all the behavior that LT has engaged in, Jack's need to control, and his absolute my way or the highway parenting mentality is really not healthy.  As if I expected healthy?  But what is best for LT?  He's doing fantastic at school so far.  Granted, it's three weeks, but HUGE improvement.  At home, it's horrible.  We started off with some great family time, each week, all involved and seemingly enjoying it.  Last night, Jack thought he needed to go into LTs room and look around.  He found 2 pieces of mail that LT had opened with my name on them.  And proceeded to MELT down.  LT said maybe he should live somewhere else.  My heart broke into some small pieces.  That is NOT okay with me.  I get that he shouldn't have done it.  I agree.  I get that he should be remorseful and he is - but not on the schedule that Jack would like. 
Jack yelled, stormed, left.
When he got home, LT didn't apologize fast enough to suit him.  Apparently there is a clock running and you have only x amount of minutes to apologize or it is invalid.  Again, I have no idea how many minutes = x, and so far, it seems to be variable.
I suck at math, so this doesn't really work for me.  On so many levels.
I remained calm as Jack ignored and disappeared.  I attempted civil discussion.  Yeah, not so much.  He even told me he'd been drinking, so go to bed. I failed to listen.  I maintained my mostly calm and not freaking out.  I'm proud of that.
How do I answer him when he asks what he has done wrong as a parent to LT?  In his eyes, absolutely nothing, but everything he said shows that he has a balance sheet running and he's giving more than everyone else on every level.  Especially financially.  I remained silent, because after 5 beers, I'm not going there.  But was my silence condoning his statements?  I don't know, but I'm looking forward to being unconscious for surgery.  That's about all I can handle right now.
God, I know you have a plan.  I trust you.  I believe you can use all things for good for those who are called according to your purposes.  Help me in my doubt.  (throwing all kinds of scripture references at once.)  I know you're still there.  Without you, I'd be a bigger mess.  Please appear real to me today.  Protect LT from himself and all of us from the effects of Jack's drinking.  Just for today.

God at Work, Part 2

Sunday, 12/23, the three children and I head to church, before which the girls try to persuade Jack to go with us to Grandma's.  Nope, he's not going.  We head off to church and enjoy our time.  Upon our return, to check one more time if he'd go with us, we leave him to his sourness and head to grandma's.  While there, we have a great time, but no one mentions Jack - it's so weird that we all know about things being strange, but we never talk about it.  Well, at least not then.  We have a great Christmas, enjoy being with all of the kids and my family.  It felt really good to be able to let it go.  Enjoy the moment, all of that.  When we got home, it was very uncomfortable, Jack being his usual moodswing self, not wanting to talk to anyone, etc.  But my parents had gotten him something that I thought he'd really like.  The kids ran it in, placed it in front of him, and he shouts "Why in the h*#9 would you think I'd want that.  The girls go running off crying, LT rolls his eyes and goes upstairs, and I am pretty furious.  I will say that I was able to say that he was being completely unreasonable, and so he left to "get something to eat," because in this state of mind, he never eats with us, won't eat the food we have in the house, it's all very weird. 
Abby goes home to her mom's house, the kids and I head off to our rooms for bed, and Jack sleeps in the spare bedroom again.  It was shaping up to be a horrendous holiday, once again.
However, this time - God was moving - even in the midst of all the chaos.

Monday 12/24 - We awaken to crabby dad, and Maggie & I begin to prepare our Christmas cookies, rolls, etc.  Mid day, we decide that Abby will come over for dinner that night, as she had plans with her mom's family after our Christmas morning festivities.  Jack continued to stomp around and be generally horrible.  When I tried to talk to him about Abby coming over, he said to eat without him.  I began questioning him, calmly for a change, with what we had done to make him so upset.  He proceeded to say he was packing a bag and going to a hotel so he wouldn't have to "put up" with the "crap" anymore. When I asked what I was doing that he was having to "put up" with, he grumbled un-coherently and stomped up the steps.  Well, in mid jumping in drama, I went up and told him that if he left it was his choice, but that wasn't what I wanted, and it wasn't what the kids wanted.  I told him that families that love each other work things out - they don't leave whenever they want to.  He left, and I was shaking I was so upset, angry, something.  I don't do anger well, so maybe that's what I was and just didn't know it.  I told the kids I'd be back because I needed to calm down.
When I got back 20 minutes later, he was there.  We began talking, and he was being much more calm and reasonable.  I was suspicious, but continued the conversation.  It came out that he was frustrated by LT's lack of motivation, lack of attention to anything (pretty much breathing and being a 17 year-old), but when I told him Families worked things out, it got his attention.  He told me he heard the exact same thing on Jerry Spr*&ger earlier in the day - and he remembered it and wanted to do things differently.  Well, let's just say I'm not one of Jerry's biggest fans, but after this - maybe I can tolerate him from afar!  LOL.  He said he was tired of not feeling like a family (but he still doesn't see that his drinking and his actions drive all of us to seclusion), and he wants to do things differently.  Abby was on her way over for dinner by this time, but afraid to come in the door.  She did, we proceeded to have our Christmas meal, and it was obvious he was doing better, but we were still skeptical. 

It was then that God's hand became real - Jack asked what time he needed to be ready so we could all go to church together.  I may have cried a bit while I was in the shower as we all prepared to go to midnight services.  We sat together, in one row, in church - the last time he was there had to be 3 years ago or more when Maggie had a concert.  It was amazing.  He said afterwards that he was thankful that we were all there together.

God is good, all the time.  And working, even when we can't see.
to be continued....

"Come to me all who are Weary"

I loved the freedom of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, so I'm doing it again.

As most, if not all moms are, I'm tired.  The last few weeks have brought some issues up and drained my energy mentally, physically and emotionally.  I find myself asking, "when will this end?"!  But then, in the usual way, God sends me a little nugget of truth.  A parcel of wisdom.  So let's take the good view of the world and focus on that. 

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.""  Matthew 11:28 NLT.

I love this verse, because all of us moms carry heavy burdens.  Some struggle with a child with special needs, some struggle with a child with substance abuse, some of us struggle with teenager who won't do their homework or clean their rooms, some struggle with the baby or toddler who won't take a nap.  Some of us struggle with children who has cancer and may not live to see the next birthday.  We are carrying heavy burdens.  But thank goodness, Jesus reminds us that He will help us to rest.  I'm so thankful that I have this reminder.  When I give up carrying my burdens and turn them over to Him, I'm relieved of that load on my own.  It's so freeing. 

Some days it is just too much.  Trying to keep myself together, keep the family together.  Not knowing what we will come home to, how much Jack will drink, how he will act.  All the unknowns and the busy-ness of this world.  I'm so thankful to be able again and again to turn my burdens and my worries over to Jesus.  He will help me.  All I have to do is ASK.  Now there is the hard part!

Here is to a week of turning to Jesus and seeking rest.

PYHO - Healing

I found a great blog today, Things I Can't Say.  She is hosting a linky carnival called "Pour Your Heart Out" Wednesday.  Even though this is Thursday, I'm going to join in.  This is my first ever link-up, so I sure hope I get all the techie stuff right. 

My life seems to be a series of huge mistakes, then learning to see the best of it.  Seeing God working in the midst of it all.  In this case, I really hope I will get to see the best of it.  You see, as you know from reading, I'm married to an alcoholic.  I hope that I will see the best of the expereinces that sometimes hurt to the point of breaking me.  I hope my children aren't going to be screwed up forever by this experience. 
At times, I know I'm much stronger, more confident, more trusting in God than ever by being married to an alcoholic.  There are other days when I see my son's heart break a little more because he can't seem to ever do anything to please his "dad."  This is the only dad he's ever known, and when he was younger, this seemed like a great thing.  But as he's grown older, Jack seems to not know how to parent him.  My own non-preofessional psycho-babble self thinks this is because Jack lost his mom at 16, and was basically left to parent himself from then on, so his memory of what a parent does for a 16 year old boy doesn't exist.  This doesn't really help much when I see LT's heart break. 
It doesn't help when Maggie would like to have a friend over to spend the night, but dad will never agree because it interrupts his drinking schedule, and Maggie doesn't want anyone to know what she lives with every day.  It doesn't help when Maggie tries to give her daddy a hug good night and he says to get away from him. 
I hope some day we can each look at this time and see how God was working and see how we grew and how much each of us learned from these experiences.  Most of all, I hope we can look back together as a family from a sober perspective and see how all of us were healed.

I finally got it!!

It just came to me - the real difference between Jack & me.  The difference is in how we see the world.  He sees parenting as an optional activity.  You can choose to participate or you don't have to if you don't FEEL like it.  I, on the other hand, feel that once you are a parent - that is a life role.  The role changes as the child matures and ages, but it's not something you can opt out of.  Wow.  In that one key difference in how we see the world, lies the majority of his issues.
I'm not going to complain one bit.  I'm a parent, and proud of it.  I'm a parent to 2 wonderful biological children and 2 bonus children.  Each of them has their own need for a parent, and they are each different.  I'm not going to quit, so Jake, Abby, LT & Maggie - You can count on ME.
I love you all - even if you never see this.
Wife (Mama) Goes On

We are NOT alone

Whenever life seems to hit extra hard, (and by life, let's face it, I mean alcoholic insanity) I never cease to be amazed by how my God, you can call it higher power, mother nature, whatever - it's God for me, works to SHOW me I'm not alone.  I guess that's my hope.  Somewhere out there is a person like I was, who had no idea that sanity and alcoholic husband could exist at the same time, will read anything on this blog, even the smallest tidbit, and realize, hey - other people know exactly what it's like.  I'm not alone.  And it really can be okay.  Ideal, no.  Fantastic, some days.  Okay - lots more often than not - thanks to Al-anon, Getting Them Sober, Al-anon literature (Books), I'm better.  I'm Okay. 
To give you an example, last night, LT asked if he could go to a ballgame next week, on a school night.  Jack reasonably said we'd need to see work schedule and grades before deciding.  In the 16-y-o way, LT rolled his eyes, because he didn't immediately get the answer he wanted (I'm guessing).  Jack went completely nuts and yelled at him, saying he didn't deserve that, and on and on.  LT went to bed, because it was actually 15 minutes past his bedtime, and as he left, Jack said - fine, you decide.  I'm done.  I think to myself - okay - you overreacted.  Whatever.  Today Jack called me at work to tell me he was pissed and he wanted me to know it.  He called to tell me that he is no longer going to be LT's dad, he can now call him Jack, but he doesn't have to leave or anything - HOW big of him.
At first, I could feel that old anxiety, panic, freaking out building up.  I didn't say anything for a few moments, then said I'm sorry you feel that way.  Can we talk about this at home?  He said what's to talk about.  He continued on with dealing with LT is going to make him sick, so he's done being his dad.  I did begin to cry, and told him -I've needed to say this for months, maybe years - that LT is not Jake.  He has not made the mistakes Jake has made, he hasn't had any of the bad things happen (YET) that Jake chose.  Instead of hearing that, Jack said - tell me how I treat him like *H(^.   I repeated that I said you treat him like "JAKE".  He's not Jake.  By this time, I'm fully crying, at my desk, door open; I asked if we could talk at home.  He said okay, and we hung up. 
I'm not going to lie - I cried for a bit, hard.  But then I started repeating the truth and what I know as real to myself.
 - This is not about LT.  This is about me not giving Jack the arguments and drama the alcoholism likes to create, so that he doesn't have to think about what HE is doing to himself and our family. 
- LT has been doing great in school and has a job, and hasn't missed one day, and has already worked longer than Jake ever held a job in his life, and Jack can't complain about that as one of Jake's weaknesses.
- LT is a wonderful young man, caring and kind.  He DOES NOT deserve to be treated like this.  Period.
So I got a book, Al-anon Dilemma of An Alcoholic Marriage.  God directed me to just the right page.  And I quote: I "would have to understand how desperately the guilt-tormented alcoholic needs such weapons (lashing out unreasonably) to bolster his own ego.  When he uses these weapons to attack, it is not because he hates (LT) but because he hates himself and needs to reassure himself that he is not all bad.  He finds fault in the (people) nearest to him because it makes it a little easier to tolerate himself."  (Page 10). Seriously -this book was written in 1971. 
This spoke to me.  It hit me right where I needed it.  TRUTH.  I realized that I need to put this situation back on Jack.  I called and told him calmly that I didn't like his position, but I can understand his frustration.  However, he's an adult, and I am going to respect his position and not try to manipulate circumstances or try to pretend everything's okay and for everyone to kiss and make up.  He sounded shocked when he said okay, but I feel free.  I'm going to continue doing what my job is.  Being the best mom to LT & Maggie (And Abby) that I can be.  His interaction is really irrelevant.  And if I am honest with myself, about 90% of the time, that's the reality we live in anyway. 
I realize this is a bit rambling, but I am claiming this success.  I'm not going to try to get everyone to get along.  I don't necessarily think LT needs to change.  He is doing fantastic in school and at work, and I would love it if he'd stop rolling his eyes, but Abby still does it at 21, so I'm not holding out much hope of that...LOL. 
I finally recognize this as wisdom to know the thing I can't change.
We are not alone.  and we are OKAY.
God grant me the serenity, wisdom & hope again tomorrow.

Happy Anniversary Eve

Well, tomorrow is our anniversary.  For the first time in forever, I have no expecations, and I'm really thankful that I have great kids, great friends, family who love us, and really, a great husband when he is one.  For all the rest, I'm thankful to al-anon for where I am and that I am working on me.  I love this one thing I read that said if it's good for me, it's good for the alcoholic.  That helps me to stay sane, and judge better what is reasonable.  Not just normal, because that can be very skewed in a relationship with an alcoholic. 
I'm reading a fabulous book recommended by Still Me Only Stronger,  One Moment, One Morning by Sarah Rayner.  She was so right about the descriptions of the character who is in a relationship with an alcoholic.  I'm not done yet, but it is a great read.  If you are so inclined, look for a my favorite books section soon.  I loved hers and am going to copy the idea (with her permission, and thank you!!). 
I'll let you know what excitement goes on for the anniversary.  In the meantime, stay well, and know I'm praying for you.

Freedom - for today

Well, Jack is gone for a few days, and I'm pretty darn excited about it.  He gave me the best hug and goodbye I've had in months.  He even wore his wedding ring. When I get home tonight, it will be so nice to know that the kids will be there, the dog will be there, and we will have a good evening. No one will be drinking.  Yippee!  I may even enjoy a glass of wine one day this week.  Now that's something unusual.  I feel bad, a little tiny bit, about feeling so joyful, but really, it's just a break, and I think we all needed one.
Last week I read a fantastic book, in one afternoon, actually, it's called If You Loved Me, You'd Stop.  It was SO good.  It really captured so much good information in one book about alcoholism.  It gave me some great things to point out, especially to L.T., who seems to get the brunt of Jack's ridiculous expectations and flippant anger.  After the last few weeks, I really do see very clearly that God has a purpose for this time in our lives.  I told L.T. that God will use this for a purpose.  We just can't see what that is yet.
I'm so thankful for good resources, for the help and experiences and thoughts others share, via Al-Anon or other blogs.  I just wish the kiddos had Ala-Teen nearby.  It would be so helpful for them.  I guess they get theirs from me, on good days.
Abby has really been struggling as the semester wraps up.  Between her mom's issues, her brother's guilt-tripping from a federal institution and the alcoholic dad, it's no wonder she's a wreck.  I am so glad she's gone to church with me for the last three weeks, and she wants to go back this week.  It is SO good for her, even for 90 minutes, to hear nothing but positive and encouraging words and music. 
If you are the praying type, please pray for all of the kids. Maggie seems to "suffer" the least, but even she just wants her daddy to hug on her sometimes.  L.T. needs to get his act together and understand that he needs to focus to get through high school and get to college.  He's SO intelligent, it drives me nuts that he's so laissez-faire about his homework/grades.  And at what point did I ever indicate homework was an optional exercise....grrrrrrr!  I hope he will get a job this summer.  I want him to have a positive experience where he can gain some independence and confidence.  Lord Willing!
I'll keep you updated on our excitement this week.  Hoping to get a few house-hold fixes done, and eat some good meals!  That I don't have to Cook!  We'll be the ones partying...lol.
Take Care!

Here you go, God....I am giving to you

These days, it almost seems like Jack is the least of my worries.  LT is giving us all kinds of fits, as he is going through the whole teenage thing, trying to find his way in the world.  Worst of all is his LYING.  It makes me crazy.  Last night I resorted to trying to find a book to help me know what to do.  Ironically, it said that teenage boys sometimes lie when they feel they are controlled and can't do anything, so they lie to get to do something.  While that seems backward to me, since we are very careful to reward good behavior with his choice of activities and restrict with bad behavior, choices etc. I can understand how he can think that.  Sometimes Jack's desire to control things makes me nuts, even when I have my Al-Anon thinking on high-alert.  I gave LT up to God last night, said I know HE loves LT even more than I do, and I can't fix this.  I can only encourage, guide and not let him have access to anything electronic for a bit.  When will these children learn that Mom ALWAYS finds out everything.  At least the sun is out today.  That can go a long way to making things better.  I have to learn to live and let LT live, as he has a lot of responibility for his choices right now.  But I am also letting go and letting God.

Snow!

Finally, it is snowing in the winter, in the midwest. I'm so glad! I have to say that, otherwise, I'll remember how cold it is, and how much I hate scraping off the car. Oh well, it is beautiful, and that is a fact. It's been a good few days. Good for me in spite of Jack's drinking. For a while he was drinking bourbon instead of beer. Never did that before, and it is very bad -he's not a nice drunk on burbon. But, I stuck with my al-anon thoughts, slogans, sanity, and it worked. I didn't have to attend the fights he was inviting me to! (I just ended the sentence with a preposition. Just so you know that I know I did it....but i'm not changing it. Sorry Ms. Z.)
LT was sick for the past week. I'm glad he's finally feeling better and can go to school. It is not the best time to be missing school in the first week after break! Maggie is doing so well. She gets to go on a trip this weekend with her friends. I'm so thankful that she has good friends where she can go and be away from craziness.
We really had a great dinner last night at a restaurant. All four of us, since Abby is away at school. It's nice to know that we can enjoy times together. Be the family that we get glimpses of. *another preposition - i'm getting lazy. I've started a new hobby and I love it. It's part of my taking care of me project. It's great to learn something new - it's been twenty years, I think since I learned a new skill. And I actually make things. LOVE IT!
For all the times things seemed hopeless, I am so thankful to God for the hope I have every day. In my God.

Happy New Year

What a loaded statement. Happy.New.Year. When your loved one is an alcoholic, especially your husband, it is pretty hard to find happy on any one day. Especially when it is following a holiday season that is always difficult. I don't know it any other way with Jack. As usual, he is pushing me away, saying he wants to be left alone, because I "haven't done anything" for the last two weeks. When asked what that looks like - he NEVER has an answer. Finally, for the first time, I'm not picking it up. This is about what is going on in his head. This is not about me or what I've done or not done. He can have it. I have refused to beg and plead and want everything to be smooth. I am more peaceful than I've been for a very long time, so he is pushing me to get my typical reaction. I wrote on my hand today "ACT." That is my new Mantra. I want to Act upon what I notice, see, hear, and witness. I don't want to react. Reacting has not had the best outcomes, so I am choosing to ACT. How liberating. I am also asking myself, what do I want to do? Sometimes I'm not sure I even know, so I'd better be asking myself so I can figure it out! This is a grand journey, recognizing that the family of the alcoholic has a disease too. It has lots of guilt. It stinks. But now that I know it, can see the progression of Jack's disease, I'm choosing differently. For today, I'm okay.
Happy New Year to you, may you find a peace that passes all understanding from your higher power.

One Day at a Time

Have I already had a post with this title? Maybe so, but I need another one. I guess what they say is true. As long as the alcoholic still drinks, the disease progresses. Ironically, it seems that the disease is also cyclical in nature. We are back to the place where he's trolling the internet, this time with a fake name, and trying to get someone else to see who he thinks he is. See the lies he believes. Someone who hasn't seen the alcohol. Oops - this time, it seems he went to lunch with someone who had a good radar and figured out he was lying...and worked with someone who is friends with me....uh-oh. So they figured it out, and thankfully I have honest, caring friends.
Now you may be thinking -why the hell don't you just get out of there?? Well, that would be easier if it was just me. But there are the kiddos. The ones who love him too - when he's not being the alcoholic. The ones who only know this man as their father. The ones who've had a previous father who was less than human. Besides, I'm finally in a place where I realize that all this drinking, madness, craziness really isn't about me. Yesterday the sun was gorgeous, the day was beautiful. The kids and I got lots done outside that had been put off because of the great tundra-like weather. I saw that hope again. Hope not as the world gives, but hope from God.
Don't worry- I will address this latest issue. With God's strength, help, and words - and TIMING. But I will not give in to the disease. Guilt is my disease, and when it starts talking, I'm choosing to not listen.
Spring is here, and like it or not alcoholism, I'm not leaving. For today.

Watching out for the Kids

I want to be clear - I love my husband very, very much. He is an alcoholic, but I love him. I love the person he was when we got married, before the alcoholism had reared its ugly head. At that time, I didn’t even know he drank. I believe he drank in front of me two times in the two years we dated. Once at a holiday party he had one bottle of beer at a restaurant. Once on a vacation, I believe he bought 12 cans that lasted a week. I don’t love the alcoholic, and I don’t love what he says when he is drinking, but I do love him. I am still in my marriage because I do. However, that being said, I don’t want to underestimate the impact his drinking has on our family.
When you have kids, it seems like alcoholism is even bigger. First the spouse of the alcoholic has to figure out how to cope for herself (I am using the feminine, as that is my experience). If there are kids involved, and they are old enough to talk, she will probably have lots of questions to answer for them as well.
My husband and I were married less than 5 years ago. We each had an older son, younger daughter from our previous marriages. At the time, our children were 22 (Jake), 15(Abby), 10 (LT), and 8 (Maggie). His older, mine younger. He hasn’t adopted my children, but he is the only father my children know/remember. They don’t know their biological father due to safety issues/court order. My husband offered to be and is their DAD. This is one of the things that I love about him…he loved my children too. When we were first married, our (my) daughter, Maggie was 8 years old. She never really saw daddy drinking because he would do it mostly after the kids went to bed. However, as his alcoholism progresses, he has begun to drink earlier and more. She has seen him after a few beers. Before, he may have started drinking at 9 or 9:30 in the evening, now he has begun at 8 or 7:30. He used to drink 6 beers a night, now he drinks 9-12 16 ounce cans OR MORE. She has seen him get drunk. She has asked me some hard questions. Some questions, I didn’t know the answers to either.
(I want to say right now that his increase in drinking more and earlier is not because the kids are now almost all teenagers or older. This is because he is an alcoholic and alcoholism wants all of him. He will continue to get worse unless he decides he wants to stop. Completely. I want this, but I can’t want it for him. He has to get there. Frankly, this is one of the things that sucks about the whole situation. I can realize I can’t change it, I can wish it were different. However, it is not in my control. I can’t even make him see what harm he is causing himself, his children, his marriage, his wife (ME!!). I want to scream. And sometimes I do. But usually only in my head, to God; thank goodness He hears me.)
Often the kids focus on why dad says things that aren’t really true. One such thing they have heard him say is that I don’t love him. LT and Maggie are now 14 and 12. They see how we treat each other on a daily basis. They know that I love him. They want to know why he can’t see this? Why does he always say it sucks to be him, nothing is ever good for him? Why does he say nobody loves him? The best example I could come up with that is on their level (even a year or two ago) is that Dad sees everything through “beer-colored” glasses. His view of the world is kind of like when we put on sunglasses that make everything look greenish or blue-ish. The tree trunks aren’t really green, they are brown. Our house isn’t blue, it is white. But when we see the world through those glasses, it makes things look different than they really are. I explain to them that Dad looks at our life with a beer soaked brain that makes everything colored by the beer. He doesn’t see that we love him, because he hates himself so much, he can’t believe it.
When I first used that example, it seemed to really help. It seemed like they could understand it. Sometimes they’ve asked why he hates himself. I try to explain what I think, what I have observed. In this case, his parents weren’t especially loving, and still aren’t. The stories he tells me about his childhood show me that he truly wants something better for his children – all of them – than he had. The three younger kids have become very good about verbalizing their fears, their worries, their frustrations.
The older is not in our lives. I have a feeling that has a lot to do with alcohol too. My husband doesn’t see the blessings we have, because he’s busy seeing the bad things. That is what alcohol does. It brainwashes, literally, the alcoholic into believing that the only way to survive is to be drunk. Alcoholism is very sneaky and powerful.
I feel very blessed that I have a God who forgives, and I pray that one day, my husband will find that forgiveness for himself. That he will see the God who can forgive his sins, not just everyone else’s. That’s my prayer every morning and evening.
As you face this now 2 month old New Year, if you are looking at the world through glasses that color your world the wrong color, take them off. See what you are missing. It’s a beautiful world out here.

You Are Not Alone

If you are reading this, it is a safe bet that someone you know is living with an alcoholic. Maybe you did as a child, or you do now, or your best friend’s spouse is one. The most surprising part is that you may not even know it. I have discovered on this journey that you feel so alone because alcoholism is so good at keeping itself hidden from those on the outside. And sometimes, it’s hiding from those inside the house, too. To my knowledge, none of my parents, grandparents, extended family was an alcoholic that I knew about until my aunt married one. Even then, I didn’t know it until he killed himself. I bet there were days when she wondered what she had done wrong, how she could fix him, what could she and the kids do to make it better. The thing is, she never talked to anyone about it. I never even thought about that until right now, as I write this.
Thank God that my friend could see what I was describing as the symptoms of someone living with an alcoholic. She walked me to my first Al-Anon meeting. She sat with me through the whole meeting. No one there looked at me with shame or pity as I sobbed through my first full meeting. I think I was crying at how lost I felt, how hopeless, how alone. But then as I listened to their stories, I was crying more for the fact that I wasn’t alone, others around that table knew how I felt, had even experienced some of the same things as me. I had hope. Even if my alcoholic never gets help, I can get help. Who knew???
I hope that as I begin this journey of blogging that you will find hope in knowing you are not alone, and that you can get help, even if your alcoholic NEVER stops drinking. I continue to find this site so wonderful – www.gettingthemsober.com . For the first ten months of the year, I’d go there and read the bulletin board posts, read the book excerpts, and learn so much about living with an alcoholic. But sometimes I felt so angry because all I read was that we (the family of the alcoholic) can’t do anything to cause, control or cure the alcoholic to drink. I wondered why the website was named “Getting THEM Sober” when we can’t do anything about their drinking?” About 2 months ago, I had a real “A-ha” moment. I finally realized that the site is to help the families and loved ones of alcoholics get sober. I think that was the first time I really got it. In other words - The alcohol makes all of us in the family sick, even as we try to do our best to keep things “normal.” My understanding of that small detail – the name of the website – feels like my first real victory in finding the TRUTH within the lies that surround the alcoholism.
May you and your family find hope here. You are not alone.