Back after a Brief Techology Free Weekend

I just spent the weekend free of Technology, and it was so lovely.  It was a beautiful day Friday, and had the day off work so I was pampered!  I no longer have the gray hair that belies my young age...haha.  So now I continue with my 100 listing, and I'll try to do 20 just to be self-disciplined and all...

     21.  While living with an Alcoholic is not something I would wish on anyone, there are still more days of blessings than of curses.  I'm thankful for that.
     22.  There is very often an irony in people's lives that they don't see - case in point - Jack so wants - still at mid-50s - his father's approval.  His father is never going to show it in the way Jack needs to see it.  Every day LT wants Jack's approval.  Jack is never going to show it in the way LT needs to see it.  I hope LT hears me and knows that we love him no matter what - his worth is not based on his performance.
     23.  I still love to garden and am so thankful that we have the space in our yard for flowers and beauty.
     24.  Watching your children grow up is hard.  Much more difficult than being overwhelmed when they were small.  If only you could know that when they are small. 
     25.  I still wonder how two (or more) children can start out with the same 2 parents and come out so completely different, act with completely differing sets of morals and actions.  They experienced the same parenting, yet are wired nothing alike.
     26.  Just when you think winter will never end, spring arrives.  What a relief.
     27.  The unconditional love of a dog is an amazing gift.
     28.  God will work things out in a better way than you can possibly imagine, if you can be patient and trust that He knows what He's doing.  And with the exception of your own actions/reactions, you are not in control.  At All.  Ever.
     29.  There was a time when I thought I could protect my children from any harm.  I was wrong.
     30.  I was also wrong about my ability to change someone else.
     31.  It's awesome to see God working in the everyday.
     32.  Once upon a time, we lived with no television.  It was wonderful.
     33.  It was during that time that my love of reading grew into a passion.
     34.  What you put into your mind definitely affects what you feel in your heart.
     35.  You have to laugh or you will cry.  Laughter is always better.
     36.  "Make hay while the sun's shining" is kind of an ironic saying to me since the only time hay baling is ever done seems to be the hottest, most humid day(s) of the year.
     37.  Why are there Braille letters on a drive-up ATM?
     38.  Naps are wasted on children.  The parents are the ones who need the naps - still.
     39.  Seeing your children performing music is a gift.  Don't take it for granted.
     40.  Knowing how to have a conversation with people face to face seems to be a dying art.  Let's practice it more often.

Okay, that's all I've got for today.  In case you're wondering, that leaves 60 more bits of knowledge left for me to impart.  It's like I'm some kind of oracle.  Ha ha ha ha.
Have a great Monday.

100th Post!! Who would have thought?

Wow - this is my 100th Post!!  I can't believe it.  I don't write nearly as often as I think of things, nor as often as I'd like to, but here it is, my 100th post.  Most times, it seems that when a blogger reaches 100 posts, they do a give-away or something.  I wonder if I should do that.  Unless you like a knit hat or a baby blanket or something, you'd probably just as soon that I not give away stuff.  I think I'll just do a list of 100 random thoughts.  With numbers, and it may take me a few days, but here we go.

1. There are amazing people in the world who we can "meet" without ever seeing each other.  Interwebs - amazing!
2. It's sometimes easier to reveal yourself to complete strangers than your own family.  My reader(s) are an especially kind and caring bunch.
3. When you look for bad stuff in your life you find it.  And it drags you down.
4. When you look for God's miracles in your life - you see them!  And it gives you hope for another hour or day or minute.
5. When you don't share your thoughts with a caring someone, you continue to believe the lies that bang about inside your head.
6. We treat each other much better than we treat ourselves.  We offer grace, compassion, understanding, forgiveness to neighbors, friends, loved ones.  We often beat ourselves up over our mistakes, shortcomings, choices.  Love yourself as you love your neighbor - that goes both ways!
7. While we are so busy getting through the day, years are blowing by, and with them, children grow up, parents grow older, and we don't recognize it until something stops us in our tracks.  We need to be present in the moment.
8. God is not done with me yet.  I'm not as bad as my last mistake nor am I as good as my last accomplishment.  There's always room for improvement.
9. Trying to fill your heart with stuff, people, things, food, anything other than the God of my understanding will always end in disappointment, and that empty feeling that doesn't go away.
10. When you stop for just a moment, there is beauty - just look!

 

Bleeding Heart 2014 - my very own garden

More to come.....and thank you for reading just this post - or all 100!

....closing that chapter

LT and I made the trip over to his biological chromosome donator's funeral last night.  Maggie didn't want to go, and I saw no reason she should, so we were by ourselves.  Not going to lie - a little bit nervous.  In the end, after much prayer and covering by others in prayer - there was grace in the whole situation.  We were welcomed with love and hugs by those who loved us before, and even some who weren't so loving.  LT was able to say goodbye to the person who left so long ago.  And I think some healing was done by all.
If it weren't for my experiences in Al-Anon and with all the caring people in my home group, I know I couldn't have driven to that town, let alone entered the place with LT.  So thankful for forgiveness, healing, and grace.  That is what we all hope to offer and be offered in this life.
So today, I look with grace upon Jack.  Praying some day that he will feel it and be able to return it.
So proud of LT and what a kind, thoughtful young man he is.  Truly blessed.


art.by.WifeGoesOn

 

Thankfully, it feels okay.  It feels like we can close that chapter of our life.  Our hurts, our fears, our tears, our pain.  All of it is behind us now.  We no longer have to live in fear that he will show up and want something from any of us.  I'm thankful for God's protection all this time, and what we now have for today and every day after this.




It's a Great Day in the Neighborhood

I've been such a bad blogger.  It's been almost 2 months or more since I've written anything.  And now, summer is almost over. I was thinking this morning that God has been so good, and I need to recognize that "out loud" or in writing.
Nothing is perfect, but things are more calm on many fronts.  After a mission trip with Maggie and Abby, and LT on his own mission trip that left Jack and the wonder-dog home alone, we've had good days.  Not alcohol-free days by any means, but good days, nonetheless.  Before that were some good days as well.  We've survived a visit from my in-laws (a first in 6 years!!), a job being secured by Abby, the promise of a driving permit for LT, and tennis lessons for Maggie. Wow, and it's only the end of July!!
I love to see what God is doing.  He's working on our family.  Perhaps not as quickly as I'd like, but I do see progress.  After summer school, LT has his grades up to where he could be eligible for some scholarships - that would be WONDERFUL!  And Abby and Maggie are working well together as Abby prepares for her new job.  Abby's mom is not being particularly fabulous at the moment, but that's pretty typical. 
Our mission trip was fantastic.  We had great weather (warmer at home than on a tropical island!), no rain, great friends made and a blessing of worship at their local church.  I love when we can shout to the hills and worship my God!
The sunset tonight was so beautiful.  I hope I can find a photo of it to share.  I'll even post a second time today if I find it!
Please pray for my mama. She'll be having knee replacement surgery in the coming days.  I know she needs it, but it's scary to see that your mom isn't indestructable.  I just tell her she's coming out as Wonder Woman, 2.0.
God's blessings to you.
WGO

God at Work, Part 2

Sunday, 12/23, the three children and I head to church, before which the girls try to persuade Jack to go with us to Grandma's.  Nope, he's not going.  We head off to church and enjoy our time.  Upon our return, to check one more time if he'd go with us, we leave him to his sourness and head to grandma's.  While there, we have a great time, but no one mentions Jack - it's so weird that we all know about things being strange, but we never talk about it.  Well, at least not then.  We have a great Christmas, enjoy being with all of the kids and my family.  It felt really good to be able to let it go.  Enjoy the moment, all of that.  When we got home, it was very uncomfortable, Jack being his usual moodswing self, not wanting to talk to anyone, etc.  But my parents had gotten him something that I thought he'd really like.  The kids ran it in, placed it in front of him, and he shouts "Why in the h*#9 would you think I'd want that.  The girls go running off crying, LT rolls his eyes and goes upstairs, and I am pretty furious.  I will say that I was able to say that he was being completely unreasonable, and so he left to "get something to eat," because in this state of mind, he never eats with us, won't eat the food we have in the house, it's all very weird. 
Abby goes home to her mom's house, the kids and I head off to our rooms for bed, and Jack sleeps in the spare bedroom again.  It was shaping up to be a horrendous holiday, once again.
However, this time - God was moving - even in the midst of all the chaos.

Monday 12/24 - We awaken to crabby dad, and Maggie & I begin to prepare our Christmas cookies, rolls, etc.  Mid day, we decide that Abby will come over for dinner that night, as she had plans with her mom's family after our Christmas morning festivities.  Jack continued to stomp around and be generally horrible.  When I tried to talk to him about Abby coming over, he said to eat without him.  I began questioning him, calmly for a change, with what we had done to make him so upset.  He proceeded to say he was packing a bag and going to a hotel so he wouldn't have to "put up" with the "crap" anymore. When I asked what I was doing that he was having to "put up" with, he grumbled un-coherently and stomped up the steps.  Well, in mid jumping in drama, I went up and told him that if he left it was his choice, but that wasn't what I wanted, and it wasn't what the kids wanted.  I told him that families that love each other work things out - they don't leave whenever they want to.  He left, and I was shaking I was so upset, angry, something.  I don't do anger well, so maybe that's what I was and just didn't know it.  I told the kids I'd be back because I needed to calm down.
When I got back 20 minutes later, he was there.  We began talking, and he was being much more calm and reasonable.  I was suspicious, but continued the conversation.  It came out that he was frustrated by LT's lack of motivation, lack of attention to anything (pretty much breathing and being a 17 year-old), but when I told him Families worked things out, it got his attention.  He told me he heard the exact same thing on Jerry Spr*&ger earlier in the day - and he remembered it and wanted to do things differently.  Well, let's just say I'm not one of Jerry's biggest fans, but after this - maybe I can tolerate him from afar!  LOL.  He said he was tired of not feeling like a family (but he still doesn't see that his drinking and his actions drive all of us to seclusion), and he wants to do things differently.  Abby was on her way over for dinner by this time, but afraid to come in the door.  She did, we proceeded to have our Christmas meal, and it was obvious he was doing better, but we were still skeptical. 

It was then that God's hand became real - Jack asked what time he needed to be ready so we could all go to church together.  I may have cried a bit while I was in the shower as we all prepared to go to midnight services.  We sat together, in one row, in church - the last time he was there had to be 3 years ago or more when Maggie had a concert.  It was amazing.  He said afterwards that he was thankful that we were all there together.

God is good, all the time.  And working, even when we can't see.
to be continued....

PYHO - Focusing on What Matters

Over at Things I Can't Say, she is hosting this week's Pour Your Heart Out.  As usual in my life, I'm a day late.  But I love her prompts.  They force me to see what is important in life.  So, I begin my own PYHO today.  Focusing on What Matters
I used to LOVE Christmas.  I mean love everything about it.  As the oldest grandchild, I always helped my grandma.  She had a big family, and as they all multiplied, we would usually have about 50 people - aunts, uncles, cousins for the holiday celebrations.  I would help her get out her decorations, put them up, clean up afterwards.  We'd have baking days when we'd make cookies, days to make cheeseball.  My sister and I always wrapped every gift she purchased for that big family.  We laughed, we had fun. I was always excited to get out the church that played Silent Night - it was made of some weird cardboard concoction that had some spongy snow on it.  It was probably asbestos, but so far we've mostly survived!  My cousin recently posted a photo from her childhood in front of the tree, presents stacked all around.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Five years after my grandma's death, I still miss her every day. 
After the first stop on the insanity train (marriage number 1 - I'm still not ready to discuss that openly), the holidays became dreaded to me.  If not for my kids who were just babies, then toddlers, I would have been happy to not even celebrate Christmas.  But I went through the motions. 
Now that Jack and I are married, it's still not my favorite time of year.  So far, every Christmas, he has had a bout of depression/period of the down side of undiagnosed bi-polar, something that has taken the fun out of Christmas.  I can never do or say the right thing.  I don't put the tree in the right place, and on and on.  I can't remember any Christmas that wasn't covered in a gray cloud.
This year, though, I've resolved to focus on what matters.  It's not about the fact that we don't have one single decoration out or up yet, not about the fact that we are again in that "winter doldrums" with his behavior.  It is about helping others and being God's hands and feet on this earth.  For the first time, I've actually volunteered to help during the community Christmas.  I've done things behind the scenes, but never interacted.  I'm going to do so.  I've been helping in some other ways that help me to remember why we have Christmas in the first place.  And when I do those things, I think of my grandma then.  It's not about the decorations or the color of lights on the tree, it's about people and relationships.  Even if Jack doesn't want to stop drinking and participate in life, I do.  So I'm going to focus on that and go on - Wife Goes On...with or without him.


I hope you'll stop over on the blog and read others' posts.  It is very heartwarming.

"Come to me all who are Weary"

I loved the freedom of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, so I'm doing it again.

As most, if not all moms are, I'm tired.  The last few weeks have brought some issues up and drained my energy mentally, physically and emotionally.  I find myself asking, "when will this end?"!  But then, in the usual way, God sends me a little nugget of truth.  A parcel of wisdom.  So let's take the good view of the world and focus on that. 

"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.""  Matthew 11:28 NLT.

I love this verse, because all of us moms carry heavy burdens.  Some struggle with a child with special needs, some struggle with a child with substance abuse, some of us struggle with teenager who won't do their homework or clean their rooms, some struggle with the baby or toddler who won't take a nap.  Some of us struggle with children who has cancer and may not live to see the next birthday.  We are carrying heavy burdens.  But thank goodness, Jesus reminds us that He will help us to rest.  I'm so thankful that I have this reminder.  When I give up carrying my burdens and turn them over to Him, I'm relieved of that load on my own.  It's so freeing. 

Some days it is just too much.  Trying to keep myself together, keep the family together.  Not knowing what we will come home to, how much Jack will drink, how he will act.  All the unknowns and the busy-ness of this world.  I'm so thankful to be able again and again to turn my burdens and my worries over to Jesus.  He will help me.  All I have to do is ASK.  Now there is the hard part!

Here is to a week of turning to Jesus and seeking rest.

PYHO - Healing

I found a great blog today, Things I Can't Say.  She is hosting a linky carnival called "Pour Your Heart Out" Wednesday.  Even though this is Thursday, I'm going to join in.  This is my first ever link-up, so I sure hope I get all the techie stuff right. 

My life seems to be a series of huge mistakes, then learning to see the best of it.  Seeing God working in the midst of it all.  In this case, I really hope I will get to see the best of it.  You see, as you know from reading, I'm married to an alcoholic.  I hope that I will see the best of the expereinces that sometimes hurt to the point of breaking me.  I hope my children aren't going to be screwed up forever by this experience. 
At times, I know I'm much stronger, more confident, more trusting in God than ever by being married to an alcoholic.  There are other days when I see my son's heart break a little more because he can't seem to ever do anything to please his "dad."  This is the only dad he's ever known, and when he was younger, this seemed like a great thing.  But as he's grown older, Jack seems to not know how to parent him.  My own non-preofessional psycho-babble self thinks this is because Jack lost his mom at 16, and was basically left to parent himself from then on, so his memory of what a parent does for a 16 year old boy doesn't exist.  This doesn't really help much when I see LT's heart break. 
It doesn't help when Maggie would like to have a friend over to spend the night, but dad will never agree because it interrupts his drinking schedule, and Maggie doesn't want anyone to know what she lives with every day.  It doesn't help when Maggie tries to give her daddy a hug good night and he says to get away from him. 
I hope some day we can each look at this time and see how God was working and see how we grew and how much each of us learned from these experiences.  Most of all, I hope we can look back together as a family from a sober perspective and see how all of us were healed.

Rambling rose...

There are so many thoughts going through my mind.  I find that I just want to focus on the positive.  I have had some chances to choose otherwise, and I can't do it.  I see the blessings, and I want to rejoice in them.  This world is so far from perfect, and I am going to look for all the good I can find.  When I find horrible things that I have to face, I will do so and look for what God is doing in that imperfection.  God has a great sense of humor and justice, and I believe that because of all I've seen in this life.  And living with 2 teenagers and almost 2 high schoolers is even more confirmation of that!  They are wonderful children, but have adapted so easily to those characteristics that teenagers are known for.  (Can anyone say rolling the eyes and sighing??)
What do I see today?  How about a list!
- Sunshine and 76 degrees in March  in the mid-west...for about the 4th day in a row.
- Lunch with my BFF - thank you God for bringing her to work here!
- Healthy kids who call me when they get home from school, who want to eat dinner at the family table, who help out at home, even though sometimes reluctantly and needing to be reminded. We are blessed.
- Thank you God for a sense of humor because this insanity that is my life can sometimes be overwhelming.  Thanks for the good sense to laugh when I recognize something for the insanity that it is....case in point, letter from Jake.  To me.  After not seeing me for 5 years.  Maybe even 6.  And he apologizes to me, for what, I'm not sure.  And in letters from him to Jack, there is never any apology, only poor me, what you've done to me.  Makes me want to scream!  But I laugh.  The irony is not lost on me!
This is slightly rambling - oh well.  That's where I am today.

God is Good - All the Time

The past week has been one of the most heart-wrenching for me as a mother that I've experienced in 10 years.  Last time I had such a struggle, my babies were just the victims, and I was in full on protection mode - I simply acted.  This time around - one of those babies had made his own bed at 16, and had to figure out his own way out.  I was pretty powerless to help.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I had worried myself into a "dither."  And even though I was crying out to God, turning him over to God, I couldn't help the worry.  I tried to talk myself into sense, but it was exhausting.  I have now learned that someone was praying very specifically for me yesterday.  God heard those prayers and provided my boy with some wisdom and God moved through our family.  There was reconcilliation where there was previously much discord.  I'm so thankful that I knew to look to God.  Even as I worried, I knew to turn him over to God.
I can also tell you that I used so many of my skills learned in al-anon. I could feel myself getting freaked out - acting on emotion rather than hearing what was true.  I was immediately jumping to what do I need to do thinking, when really, I couldn't control or cure the situation. I'm exhausted from this weekend, but I can also see the good things.  The answered prayers, the realizing my stinking thinking in the middle of it, and re-directing to the truth. 
It's kind of amazing that I ever made it through a day before Al-Anon.  And this wasn't even a direct Alcohol situtation.  Although really, most of the situations we face are colored by the alcoholic's input.  I'm clinging to the truth - I have to live and let live - even when that person is my child.   I have to let Go and let God - even when that person is my child.  I have to take it easy - even when it is my child.
Okay, let's take on the day!

Thinking About Love

I read a post on Rage Against the Minivan that talked about love, and whether love takes work.  Some, who I would guess are lacking in the age/experience department (that is my opinion there - it is my blog...), say that if it's not flowery, easy, rainbows and unicorns, it isn't love, and it's better to move on.  I suppose if you aren't married, there is lots to find useful in that statement.  However, after some pretty horrific and some fantastic experiences, I say I'm more of the love-is-a-choice boat.  There are days I don't feel very loving toward anyone, Jack sometimes especially.  However, I want to be loving, I love him.  Sometimes it's more of an act it till you feel it kind of day, and sometimes it's fantastic, flowery, rainbows and unicorns.  Even when he's acting alcoholic, I respect him enough to see that he's a person, a child of God who has the free will to make his choices.  Even if they aren't the choices I'd make for him or myself.  Boy don't I sound all healthy and Al-anon ish?  For today.  And really, that's all we have is today.

Just for Today

So yesterday was not one of my favorites, then turned into something better.  As I was walking to work today, I thought - thank you God for new mercies every morning, and that I can start today without the burden of yesterday. 
So let's just get this out of my head - My ex-husband molested my (our -but I don't give him that privilege any longer) daughter at 4 years old.  Thank GOD she was able to tell me in a way that both showed me truth, and that I could act upon at that moment.  He was arrested, given 20 weekends (note 40 DAYS) in jail so he could keep his union job - wasn't that judge so kind. He was abusive to me and to our son.  Since our separation/divorce he has been getting child support taken out of his check every week.  Usually pretty regularly unless there was a shutdown or something.  He does not see them, do to court order, and he has not asked to change it.  again, thank GOD.  Yesterday, I was notified that he has asked to lower child support.  Since there has been NO contact with him for over 8 years, this was a shock to me.  When I called the court to get details, they said he wrote on his own (pro-se) that he has brain cancer and isn't able to work. 
Last summer, his mother wrote to me telling me that he had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good.  He even sent the kids each a letter, which I have read - they have not.  In it, he said he always thought of the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, but didn't send them presents because he didn't know if "their mother" would let them see the presents.  Honestly, I didn't keep that letter from them because he is angry with me - i kept it from them so they don't have to see what an *ss(#)@ their father is and be hurt again by him thinking of them "on their birthdays and Christmas."  No mention at all of being sorry for what had happened, for breaking up our family, for hurting them. 
At first, I wasn't even sure I believed he had cancer, because it is something they would do to try to gain sympathy.  Now he has testified to court that he has it, but even still...part of me says good - what you deserve, and the other part of me, the one who is supposed to love others like Christ loves feels bad.  I wish I didn't feel the "good" part, but I do.   Really though - It just makes me sad.  And scared.  The thought of seeing him again scares me. 
I wasn't able to work yesterday, and went home to discuss with my husband - thankfully - for that day, Jack was what I needed him to be.  And he had a great idea - I can agree to lowering support, and avoid a hearing.  I NEVER even considered that.  You'd think I'd remember something from law school, working for a court and working for an attorney.  Apparently when my emotions are involved, my brain doesn't engage! 
Just for today, I'm thankful for the kindness Jack showed me.  I'm thankful that even when days are hard, there is the part of him who loves me and the kids, and protects us.  Sometimes even from myself. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can, AND the wisdom to know the difference!
One day at a time.

Snow!

Finally, it is snowing in the winter, in the midwest. I'm so glad! I have to say that, otherwise, I'll remember how cold it is, and how much I hate scraping off the car. Oh well, it is beautiful, and that is a fact. It's been a good few days. Good for me in spite of Jack's drinking. For a while he was drinking bourbon instead of beer. Never did that before, and it is very bad -he's not a nice drunk on burbon. But, I stuck with my al-anon thoughts, slogans, sanity, and it worked. I didn't have to attend the fights he was inviting me to! (I just ended the sentence with a preposition. Just so you know that I know I did it....but i'm not changing it. Sorry Ms. Z.)
LT was sick for the past week. I'm glad he's finally feeling better and can go to school. It is not the best time to be missing school in the first week after break! Maggie is doing so well. She gets to go on a trip this weekend with her friends. I'm so thankful that she has good friends where she can go and be away from craziness.
We really had a great dinner last night at a restaurant. All four of us, since Abby is away at school. It's nice to know that we can enjoy times together. Be the family that we get glimpses of. *another preposition - i'm getting lazy. I've started a new hobby and I love it. It's part of my taking care of me project. It's great to learn something new - it's been twenty years, I think since I learned a new skill. And I actually make things. LOVE IT!
For all the times things seemed hopeless, I am so thankful to God for the hope I have every day. In my God.

One Day at a Time

Have I already had a post with this title? Maybe so, but I need another one. I guess what they say is true. As long as the alcoholic still drinks, the disease progresses. Ironically, it seems that the disease is also cyclical in nature. We are back to the place where he's trolling the internet, this time with a fake name, and trying to get someone else to see who he thinks he is. See the lies he believes. Someone who hasn't seen the alcohol. Oops - this time, it seems he went to lunch with someone who had a good radar and figured out he was lying...and worked with someone who is friends with me....uh-oh. So they figured it out, and thankfully I have honest, caring friends.
Now you may be thinking -why the hell don't you just get out of there?? Well, that would be easier if it was just me. But there are the kiddos. The ones who love him too - when he's not being the alcoholic. The ones who only know this man as their father. The ones who've had a previous father who was less than human. Besides, I'm finally in a place where I realize that all this drinking, madness, craziness really isn't about me. Yesterday the sun was gorgeous, the day was beautiful. The kids and I got lots done outside that had been put off because of the great tundra-like weather. I saw that hope again. Hope not as the world gives, but hope from God.
Don't worry- I will address this latest issue. With God's strength, help, and words - and TIMING. But I will not give in to the disease. Guilt is my disease, and when it starts talking, I'm choosing to not listen.
Spring is here, and like it or not alcoholism, I'm not leaving. For today.

You Are Not Alone

If you are reading this, it is a safe bet that someone you know is living with an alcoholic. Maybe you did as a child, or you do now, or your best friend’s spouse is one. The most surprising part is that you may not even know it. I have discovered on this journey that you feel so alone because alcoholism is so good at keeping itself hidden from those on the outside. And sometimes, it’s hiding from those inside the house, too. To my knowledge, none of my parents, grandparents, extended family was an alcoholic that I knew about until my aunt married one. Even then, I didn’t know it until he killed himself. I bet there were days when she wondered what she had done wrong, how she could fix him, what could she and the kids do to make it better. The thing is, she never talked to anyone about it. I never even thought about that until right now, as I write this.
Thank God that my friend could see what I was describing as the symptoms of someone living with an alcoholic. She walked me to my first Al-Anon meeting. She sat with me through the whole meeting. No one there looked at me with shame or pity as I sobbed through my first full meeting. I think I was crying at how lost I felt, how hopeless, how alone. But then as I listened to their stories, I was crying more for the fact that I wasn’t alone, others around that table knew how I felt, had even experienced some of the same things as me. I had hope. Even if my alcoholic never gets help, I can get help. Who knew???
I hope that as I begin this journey of blogging that you will find hope in knowing you are not alone, and that you can get help, even if your alcoholic NEVER stops drinking. I continue to find this site so wonderful – www.gettingthemsober.com . For the first ten months of the year, I’d go there and read the bulletin board posts, read the book excerpts, and learn so much about living with an alcoholic. But sometimes I felt so angry because all I read was that we (the family of the alcoholic) can’t do anything to cause, control or cure the alcoholic to drink. I wondered why the website was named “Getting THEM Sober” when we can’t do anything about their drinking?” About 2 months ago, I had a real “A-ha” moment. I finally realized that the site is to help the families and loved ones of alcoholics get sober. I think that was the first time I really got it. In other words - The alcohol makes all of us in the family sick, even as we try to do our best to keep things “normal.” My understanding of that small detail – the name of the website – feels like my first real victory in finding the TRUTH within the lies that surround the alcoholism.
May you and your family find hope here. You are not alone.