Some Things Change...Some Things Stay the Same

I think spring is finally coming.  Not here, but coming.  It's a weird sort of winter we have had, and it makes spring all the more welcome to me!  Things are changing - looking at graduation for LT.  He went to a dance, and held hands with a girl.  I mean seriously - on our couch - in our house - I may have had a small panic attack.  I understand this is normal behavior for 18 y-o boys, but my baby?!!  My boy?!?  No, this is not normal!  LOL - God is working on stretching me.  I got it - But seriously??? I don't think you understand how my mind was blown.  Anyway, that is changing. He has to commit to a college any day, and there's that to look forward to as well.
To the things that stay the same...Jack and his drinking, blame gaming, and childishness.  I am trying to extend grace.  And sometimes I'm better at that than others.  It's just really hard some days, and I let my exasperation show.  Believe me, I'm paying for it.  But, I also have grace shown to me - a reminder of what is in my control and what is not...a reminder of what I can control and what I can't.  So I move on.  Changing slowly, but changing with the grace that comes from a God who is bigger than this life and any trial that comes.
God is good, and I was reminded of that too!  Had a great time at a retreat where God's love overflowed, and it was amazing to see that in the faces and the lives of the women there.

Take one day at a time, and let God do what is His to do.  I have plenty to take care of in my own head. 

Looking Back, Looking Forward - Happy New Year

I really don't care for the holidays anymore.  Pretty much after my ex-husband punched me in the face in the car in front of our children on the way to his parents' house, my view of them went steadily down hill.   Since that year, there have been bad holidays with a capital B (as if that weren't the worst one...) and there have been good holidays.  There have been times I've really felt the nearness of God and the world looked pretty good.  Remarkably this was more of the pretty good variety.  Even with having to dish out about six grand on 3 home/appliance/features that are required for 1st world living - or even 2nd world living.  There weren't any big gifts or fancy celebrations.  It was just calm, mostly.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year.  The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me.  I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic.  But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem.  You don't need to pick it up.  Set it back down and let him deal with his issue."  I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting.  Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles.  He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.

Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.

 

Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, safe and peaceful new year.

Groundhog Day...in December

You may or may not have gone backwards in reading my blog (all 5 people :o)), but I just had an inspiration to look at last year's posts.  You may remember this.  I didn't remember until I re-read it, however...I don't need to write a post for what is going on today, because you can read that one and still be caught up to date.  The exact same place, only 9 days earlier.  Just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
Jack is back in the spare bedroom, and frankly, I can't say I'm sad about that.  If he's going to act like an idiot, I'm okay with him doing it away from me.  There was a new development.  Last night when I got home after working late, there was crap all over the bed and floor in that room.  It looked like the closet (which we use for storage of unused items) had exploded.  Then there was a horrible grinding noise.  I went to see what was up - and he was drilling a hole in the closet wall - saying he was moving a shelf.  The shelving system is the type with the pre-drilled holes where you insert pegs and rest the shelf on the pegs.  I'm not sure where you would drill a half-inch hole in that, but okay.  I just said be careful.
Detachment.  Yes, I'm learning to really love detachment.  It is becoming my friend instead of a dreaded stranger.
I will still never understand how he can just come and go with his "participation" in our family.  Next week should be an interesting experience as we have a meal with his dad and step-mom who live about 2 hours away and we haven't seen in 4 years.  I'm sure THAT will be really fun.  At least it should provide good blog material.
Another year older, and getting out of denial and craziness.  Now that is a good thing.

Happy Anniversary Eve

Well, tomorrow is our anniversary.  For the first time in forever, I have no expecations, and I'm really thankful that I have great kids, great friends, family who love us, and really, a great husband when he is one.  For all the rest, I'm thankful to al-anon for where I am and that I am working on me.  I love this one thing I read that said if it's good for me, it's good for the alcoholic.  That helps me to stay sane, and judge better what is reasonable.  Not just normal, because that can be very skewed in a relationship with an alcoholic. 
I'm reading a fabulous book recommended by Still Me Only Stronger,  One Moment, One Morning by Sarah Rayner.  She was so right about the descriptions of the character who is in a relationship with an alcoholic.  I'm not done yet, but it is a great read.  If you are so inclined, look for a my favorite books section soon.  I loved hers and am going to copy the idea (with her permission, and thank you!!). 
I'll let you know what excitement goes on for the anniversary.  In the meantime, stay well, and know I'm praying for you.

Guilt go away, you are just my disease talking!

So in a couple of days, Jack is leaving for a business trip.  I'm feeling guilty because, even though things, including my new habits, are going well, I am really ready for him to be gone for a few days.  As it says in my "Getting Them Sober" books, that is just my disease (family part of the disease of alcoholism) talking.  So, I reject that guilt.  I'm going to be happy that today is Friday, and ready to face the evening, one day at a time.  It's almost like some days I'm waiting to exhale, and that is such a relief to do so.
On a random note, I got new windshield wipers today, and it is awesome.  Clean crisp windshield...love it!  I think I'm going to buy some half-price yarn this weekend too.  That will make a fun new project starting possible.  I think I'll actually knit something for myself - after I get LT's hat done...he's patiently waiting!

Snow!

Finally, it is snowing in the winter, in the midwest. I'm so glad! I have to say that, otherwise, I'll remember how cold it is, and how much I hate scraping off the car. Oh well, it is beautiful, and that is a fact. It's been a good few days. Good for me in spite of Jack's drinking. For a while he was drinking bourbon instead of beer. Never did that before, and it is very bad -he's not a nice drunk on burbon. But, I stuck with my al-anon thoughts, slogans, sanity, and it worked. I didn't have to attend the fights he was inviting me to! (I just ended the sentence with a preposition. Just so you know that I know I did it....but i'm not changing it. Sorry Ms. Z.)
LT was sick for the past week. I'm glad he's finally feeling better and can go to school. It is not the best time to be missing school in the first week after break! Maggie is doing so well. She gets to go on a trip this weekend with her friends. I'm so thankful that she has good friends where she can go and be away from craziness.
We really had a great dinner last night at a restaurant. All four of us, since Abby is away at school. It's nice to know that we can enjoy times together. Be the family that we get glimpses of. *another preposition - i'm getting lazy. I've started a new hobby and I love it. It's part of my taking care of me project. It's great to learn something new - it's been twenty years, I think since I learned a new skill. And I actually make things. LOVE IT!
For all the times things seemed hopeless, I am so thankful to God for the hope I have every day. In my God.

Happy New Year

What a loaded statement. Happy.New.Year. When your loved one is an alcoholic, especially your husband, it is pretty hard to find happy on any one day. Especially when it is following a holiday season that is always difficult. I don't know it any other way with Jack. As usual, he is pushing me away, saying he wants to be left alone, because I "haven't done anything" for the last two weeks. When asked what that looks like - he NEVER has an answer. Finally, for the first time, I'm not picking it up. This is about what is going on in his head. This is not about me or what I've done or not done. He can have it. I have refused to beg and plead and want everything to be smooth. I am more peaceful than I've been for a very long time, so he is pushing me to get my typical reaction. I wrote on my hand today "ACT." That is my new Mantra. I want to Act upon what I notice, see, hear, and witness. I don't want to react. Reacting has not had the best outcomes, so I am choosing to ACT. How liberating. I am also asking myself, what do I want to do? Sometimes I'm not sure I even know, so I'd better be asking myself so I can figure it out! This is a grand journey, recognizing that the family of the alcoholic has a disease too. It has lots of guilt. It stinks. But now that I know it, can see the progression of Jack's disease, I'm choosing differently. For today, I'm okay.
Happy New Year to you, may you find a peace that passes all understanding from your higher power.

Houston, we have a problem...

Well, as I guessed in my last post, here we are again. Stuck in this bad place of denial, delusion, misperceptions, and insanity. Luckily I'm not as wrapped up in it this time, and I feel much better. It starts with a cranky mood, and spirals from there. I swear there is another person inhabiting Jack's brain. Actually, I think it is just the alcohol slowly eating away at the brain he has, and he now doesn't act like himself. It is sad, really. I'm feeling better knowing that in reality, God is in control of this situation, He already knows the outcome, and we will all be okay. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around how there seem to be two different lives...his and everyone else's. He's constantly ripping off how he imagines everyone thinking about the most trivial things, like the kids left some clothes that were too small for them in the hall for 3 days - in a box, not scattered. You would have thought that I personally wanted to cut off his right arm. It was that serious of a matter to him. Way blown out of proportion. I made a mistake though. I responded and tried to defend them. When I tried to calmly talk to him for two days, he'd refuse to get off the computer (porn) and converse with me. Finally when I asked to talk, he said all I did was question him, so I just decided to speak honestly, but not with any blame to tell him how I was feeling, that I felt worried with his health issues that he was drinking too much. Yeah, that got me a tirade about how just because you accidentally bump someone, or break something, that doesn't make it okay when you say you are sorry. I'm not sure how those two topics tie together, but okay...that was bothering him. After his little freakout about that, he clammed back up, and went on to ignore me.
I'm not going to lie, even with all the healthy things I'm doing....detachment, al-anon meetings, reading good books on alcoholism, I am scared for his health and safety. He drinks about 8-10 16-oz. beers every night, and sometimes more. He has to know that he is slowly killing himself. Maybe that is what he thinks will help him feel better, I don't know. I guess I'm glad I'm on the outside of the inside looking in rather than in that place myself. I'm sure God is tired of hearing my prayers, but I really think only God can intervene in this situation. How does anyone face this crap life throws at us without God? I don't know, but I sure couldn't.

It's Awfully Quiet Here

We have been given a reprieve. We have 5 days of peace, as Jack is traveling for business. It was so nice to have a night of sleep where no one was trapesing through the bedroom to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes because he was drunk, and while in there singing or yelling, and for the topper, telling me he HATED ME (Capitalization his, not mine). What peace. What a lovely feeling of peace. But you know what - I still miss the man who I married, the one who had hidden his drinking from me for years. That man I miss. The alcoholic, I don't. So, for this few days, I will read to my heart's content, I will bask in the peace and watch any chick show on Style or TLC, and be joyful. I will see the joy in each moment. It.Is.There.

I am Weary

I am weary. I started this blog to write about my feelings. To get things out instead of stuffing them. I've been less than regular with my postings. I may be on a new all time high by posting 2 x in the same week. Today I am weary. I am tired of facing alcoholism and all of its inherent crap. I'm tired of taking care of things that I should be able to share with Jack. I'm tired of being thoughtful when I really want to scream. But really - who would I scream at? What would I scream for? Who would hear me? I feel like the answer is no one. No one who could do anything about the problems will hear me. I am trying to work on myself, to accept him where he is right now, and to just focus on what I contribute to the problems. But I'm tired. When you hear about the analogy of your heart being like a bucket, and some people drain your bucket and some people fill it up, I feel like my bucket is EMPTY. I love my children, they are wonderful, the delight of my life, but I am EMPTY. Please higher power, please fill me up.

I Want to Change for Me

Part of the Serenity prayer is to change the things I can. I've come to the conclusion that I want to change. I don't want to be dependent on the whims and moods of an alcoholic who lives in a reality that is altered from what is true and what is real. I vow to take steps to get better for me and for the kids. I will go to counseling because it helps me. I will go to Al-Anon because it is healthy and good for me to share and hear what is shared by people who really understand this hard and seemingly endless walk.
I also want to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change how Jack acts. I can only change my reactions to him. I cannot change the way Jack sees the world. He lives in a different plane that the rest of the world. I've come to know some pretty amazing people in Al-anon and because of this struggle. They have helped me to get stronger in my own skin. I am thankful for each of those people.
I pray for the wisdom to continue seeing the difference between what I can change and what I can't.
Most of all, I PRAY for WHATEVER.IT.TAKES. for God to heal Jack to happen. as soon as possible would be my first choice, but I know God's timing is perfect. Just for today, I have to trust.

We May Not live at the corner of Insanity & Denial, but it lives in our house

Insanity continues to rein at our house. For a lovely mother's day gift, Jack bought himself a bed frame and mattress, and proceeded to unceremoniously move the entire thing, boxsprings and all, up to the spare bed-room, where he then has been sleeping with absolutely no word to me at all. He simply left the bedroom. It's a little like Elvis - he has left the building. I believe the extent of our conversations over the last 3 days has totalled about 30 words. Ironically, most of those were uttered last night.
Scene 1 - He finally gets home from his "project" after arriving home from work, and leaving without telling any of us where he was going, or when he'd be back. After running (i'm so excited I did this for myself), I was really psyched, he got home, I told him what I did. He says great, you should be proud of yourself. I give him a hug. He asks, "Why do you do that?" I say, because I love you and wanted to show you that. He says - even if I don't want you to? I said whatever, and went to change.
Scene 2 - later last night, Jack watching Cops, Maggie & I playing a game on the floor. We are making cookies, so the oven is warming up. There is a horrible smell eminating from said oven. To my knowledge, the last thing I made in the oven was meatloaf approximately 6 days ago.
Jack says - "Could you clean that oven tomorrow. You spilled something in it." I replied, you made cheesesticks in there on Saturday. Perhaps that is what the smell is. Jack responds - "I don't remember. Just clean it." I said certainly, I'd be happy to. He said, "thank you."
If this weren't so freaking insane, I'd cry. However, this is only solidifying my observation that he is nuts. His 24 beers consumption on Sunday obviously blocked his memory. Or he's an idiot.
Honestly, I want to feel compassion for him. I can see he is faltering and it is getting worse daily. But frankly, it feels good not to be caught up in the insanity. I'm not emotional about it. I will clean the oven, in fact, I did when it was still warm so the cheese would scrape right up....hmmm, doesn't sound like meatloaf???
Oh well. It is just another stop along the progression of alcoholism. He is deteriorating. I really hope he hits bottom soon.
Meanwhile, I'm going to keep working the al-anon program. What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic. Detachment. Reality. Sanity. I claim those. God, hear my prayer for him as well.

Second verse, same as the first

Well, there have been some "decisions" made recently. I didn't know about them, nor was I consulted about them, but Jack has been making decisions. He has decided he is done, he's done supporting me and the kids and getting nothing in return. So he took all the money out of the checking account and savings account, etc. and now he wants more out of life than "this." I asked him if he could tell me honestly, before we got married, the number of times he drank in front of me, or talked about drinking. He yelled to me, "Oh, so NOW I have a drinking problem, It's all my fault." That response told me volumes. He is so far in denial, he can't see the forest for the beers. Wow. I think I just have to sit here and wonder how anyone can function so far in denial. I'm not making any decisions right now, other than he can begin sleeping in the other room, and this time, I'm not trying to woo him back.

Growing is a slow process

I have been reading, devouring even, books about coping, living with an alcoholic spouse. Over and over again, the different authors say that with a change in my behavior and reactions, I will feel more sane, and Jake has a better chance of wanting to stop drinking. Lately, those books and words of encouragement are about all that has kept me going. Well, that and the belief that God already knows the outcome of this situation, and I don't need to worry about it. Living with Jack for the past few weeks has been nearly unbearable if I were to allow his behavior and words to penetrate my being any more than I have been. Thank God I have been going to Al-Anon, and have found these books. Sometimes the loneliness is still overwhelming, but I do believe, as one book said, that it is easier if I remember he is acting just like thousands, even millions of other alcoholics. There is nothing super powerful or super-special about Jack. He is an alcoholic. This is what they do. They get worse until they stop drinking or die. I do feel like I'm claiming some of my life back from the alcoholic/co-dependency issues. Small steps - not perfection. Like those flowers I'm planting outside, I must pay attention to my spirit, give it water and nourishment. Only then, will I be able to not only face what life offers, but grow and embrace it. May this weekend give you a peace that passes all understanding. If you are a wife who is lonely, send me a comment or email. I'd love to meet you and be internet friends!