Looking Back, Looking Forward - Happy New Year

I really don't care for the holidays anymore.  Pretty much after my ex-husband punched me in the face in the car in front of our children on the way to his parents' house, my view of them went steadily down hill.   Since that year, there have been bad holidays with a capital B (as if that weren't the worst one...) and there have been good holidays.  There have been times I've really felt the nearness of God and the world looked pretty good.  Remarkably this was more of the pretty good variety.  Even with having to dish out about six grand on 3 home/appliance/features that are required for 1st world living - or even 2nd world living.  There weren't any big gifts or fancy celebrations.  It was just calm, mostly.
I guess that is what I see when I look back over the last year.  The skills I've learned and the changes that I've made in me over the last 6 years because of Al-Anon have really started to be obvious to me.  I can see when I still screw up - we are all our worst critic.  But I can also see the times when I've said to myself, "Self, this is not your problem.  You don't need to pick it up.  Set it back down and let him deal with his issue."  I still talk to myself in my head, but if that's all it takes to be crazy, I think the mental facilities would be even more overloaded.
In other ways, it's been hard this year - a dear friend losing her son, loved ones dying, people hurting.  Injustice and unfairness rule the day, but in the end - God is still the God of Miracles.  He is bigger than any suffering or calamity.
Fortunately, that is the God I am claiming as 2014 brings a second child going off to college (please pray with me - one more semester - Cs please, just Cs - thank you!), our baby driving (EEK!), and life moving forward as life does.

Thank you for helping me learn that through my endless rambling to the great unknown.

 

Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy, safe and peaceful new year.

And trusting God works!!

So yesterday was the "court date" for the reduction in child support.  I didn't really think about it all weekend, I didn't feel worried or scared.  Whenever I did start to think of it, I'd say - God, I know you the outcome, so I'm going to leave it with you.  Once Jack & I got to the courthouse, I was a bit nervous.  More worried about actually being in the same room with the ex (after 8 years) than anything else.  We stayed in the courtroom because every time the elevator opened, I jumped out of my skin.  That was a better plan than continuing to be startled for 20 minutes.  When he and two other people came in, I just happened to look up and out of the corner of my eye, recognized him, although he is extremely swollen from the chemo/radiation.  I instantly started shaking, and Jack grabbed my hand.  When it was our turn, I was able to speak for myself (trying this with no lawyer, as it is what it is, no lawyer will make it different).  He has been awarded SSDI, so that is that.  They provided me with a copy of his award letter, and the kids will be eligible for a benefit from that.  So I guess he gets what he wanted, no child support directly. I didn't ask for back support because it is minimal in the grand scheme of things and I just wanted this to be over.  We waited and moved slowly to get out of the court-room as I didn't want to run into him, but his current wife (CW) asked if we could talk and she had sent him down with the other person - I think his caregiver.  The CW said that they'd been trying to reach me to set up trusts for the children, because he was given 2 years to live in April 2011.  They were using the wrong name at the post office box, so it was being returned.  She also said that ex's parents came into the hospital room in April 2011 right before brain surgery and had ex sign papers saying all his estate would be split between his two brothers instead of going to his wife and children.  All I can say is leopards don't change their spots.  I really got the feeling that CW is being genuine.  She said that she and ex were separated for 2 years prior to him being diagnosed w/cancer.  She came back to take care of him because there was no one else.  I say she's a better woman than I am. 
I ended up taking the whole day off from work so I could go to the Soc. Sec. office.  After a very long time there and a very kind worker (a little shocking, but I'm not going to lie - she was fantastic), she told me the kids would each be getting a monthly stipend from SS, and it totals more than child support was.
God knew this all along.  I'm glad I trusted His plan.  I would have totally screwed it up!
It's a new day, new mercies, and the sun is shining.  Thank you God for your serenity and the prayers to remember it.  And really - Jack was amazing.  That is the man I married.  It was my privilege and honor to have him next to me.

Live & Let Live

The reading I did today in Courage to Change (Al-Anon daily book), and it talked about how when you first go to Al-Anon, the program talks about serenity, when all you really want to hear is how to stop the Alcoholic from drinking. I was thinking back to my first meeting(s), and I think I didn't even think about stopping him, I just cried and cried and wanted someone to stop the insanity.  Ironically, the insanity hasn't really stopped, but I've stopped being so influenced by it.  There are sayings in al-alnon, and sometimes with that as well, I'd like to choose how Jack behaves, drinks, etc., but I realize I do have to live and let him live.  I wouldn't want him telling me how to do things, and when he does, I want to scream.  But I've learned that he's entitled to make his own choices, even if they don't match mine - AND a big thing I've learned is I can LIVE.  I can make choices. 

I know it may sound strange if you've never really lived with an alcoholic, but I didn't know I COULD make choices.  It is really serenity building when I step back and decide if I want to act at all, and if so, what course that will take.  I realize I don't have control over his drinking, or a lot of other things in my life, but I do have control over my choices.  What Freedom!  In the back of that same Courage to Change book, I've written "Do you WANT to say No?"  I did that so I'd remember to focus on 1. What do I want, and 2. The answer to some one's request from me does not always have to be a yes.  So empowering.  Here's to a great day for today.  Enjoy the sun if you have it, and the warmth of your home if the sun is hiding.

Just for Today

So yesterday was not one of my favorites, then turned into something better.  As I was walking to work today, I thought - thank you God for new mercies every morning, and that I can start today without the burden of yesterday. 
So let's just get this out of my head - My ex-husband molested my (our -but I don't give him that privilege any longer) daughter at 4 years old.  Thank GOD she was able to tell me in a way that both showed me truth, and that I could act upon at that moment.  He was arrested, given 20 weekends (note 40 DAYS) in jail so he could keep his union job - wasn't that judge so kind. He was abusive to me and to our son.  Since our separation/divorce he has been getting child support taken out of his check every week.  Usually pretty regularly unless there was a shutdown or something.  He does not see them, do to court order, and he has not asked to change it.  again, thank GOD.  Yesterday, I was notified that he has asked to lower child support.  Since there has been NO contact with him for over 8 years, this was a shock to me.  When I called the court to get details, they said he wrote on his own (pro-se) that he has brain cancer and isn't able to work. 
Last summer, his mother wrote to me telling me that he had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good.  He even sent the kids each a letter, which I have read - they have not.  In it, he said he always thought of the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, but didn't send them presents because he didn't know if "their mother" would let them see the presents.  Honestly, I didn't keep that letter from them because he is angry with me - i kept it from them so they don't have to see what an *ss(#)@ their father is and be hurt again by him thinking of them "on their birthdays and Christmas."  No mention at all of being sorry for what had happened, for breaking up our family, for hurting them. 
At first, I wasn't even sure I believed he had cancer, because it is something they would do to try to gain sympathy.  Now he has testified to court that he has it, but even still...part of me says good - what you deserve, and the other part of me, the one who is supposed to love others like Christ loves feels bad.  I wish I didn't feel the "good" part, but I do.   Really though - It just makes me sad.  And scared.  The thought of seeing him again scares me. 
I wasn't able to work yesterday, and went home to discuss with my husband - thankfully - for that day, Jack was what I needed him to be.  And he had a great idea - I can agree to lowering support, and avoid a hearing.  I NEVER even considered that.  You'd think I'd remember something from law school, working for a court and working for an attorney.  Apparently when my emotions are involved, my brain doesn't engage! 
Just for today, I'm thankful for the kindness Jack showed me.  I'm thankful that even when days are hard, there is the part of him who loves me and the kids, and protects us.  Sometimes even from myself. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can, AND the wisdom to know the difference!
One day at a time.

I Want to Change for Me

Part of the Serenity prayer is to change the things I can. I've come to the conclusion that I want to change. I don't want to be dependent on the whims and moods of an alcoholic who lives in a reality that is altered from what is true and what is real. I vow to take steps to get better for me and for the kids. I will go to counseling because it helps me. I will go to Al-Anon because it is healthy and good for me to share and hear what is shared by people who really understand this hard and seemingly endless walk.
I also want to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change how Jack acts. I can only change my reactions to him. I cannot change the way Jack sees the world. He lives in a different plane that the rest of the world. I've come to know some pretty amazing people in Al-anon and because of this struggle. They have helped me to get stronger in my own skin. I am thankful for each of those people.
I pray for the wisdom to continue seeing the difference between what I can change and what I can't.
Most of all, I PRAY for WHATEVER.IT.TAKES. for God to heal Jack to happen. as soon as possible would be my first choice, but I know God's timing is perfect. Just for today, I have to trust.

The Serenity Prayer - I better keep praying!

This week has been especially hard. I have been struggling with some health issues, and that usually doesn't go over very well with an alcoholic - the attention is not focused on him. To that end, he disappeared for several hours the other day - leaving the car in the driveway, but disappearing in the middle of the night. Sadly, this is not the first time it has happened, but in my weakened state, I reacted more like someone very caught up in the craziness instead of the sane person I'm working on becoming. I hated that feeling of overwhelming fear. It came back so easily. But I fought it - I fought it hard. I continued telling myself what is true, over and over, but that fear was there- putting it's claws into my very soul and trying to establish a hold on me. Luckily, I was able to reach out to my al-anon friend...and I knew what the truth was and where to hear it. That was such a blessing. As usual, in the end, he returned home, acted as though all was normal, and life went on. As it does. What brought me back when I was with my friend was the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Claiming that as my mantra, I go forward to make a life for the children and me. We love you, dear Jack, but we don't have to suffer in your disease with you.