PYHO - Here and Now

I'm actually trying to write to contribute to Pour Your Heart Out over at Things I Can't Say on Wednesday, the actual day she posts it.  Even in small things, I'm making progress.  Progress, not perfection - that's how the saying goes.  What do I want to Pour my Heart Out about?  That's the question.  Why don't I just list some things on my mind - that I've been keeping in there, rattling about.  A list seems fun, so here we go (and requires less effort from me today).

1.  Abby will be graduating from college this weekend.  Wow - can I just say how fast time has gone.  We got married when she was going into her sophomore year of high school.  I've seen her change in so many ways, and yet stay stuck in some others.  It's surreal that she is an adult and now needs to find a job and go off on her own.  Now if only her mom agreed!  She's perfectly content to let her live for free at her house, not even asking about her plans.  It makes me so angry.  But, I guess what should I expect?

2.  LT got a suit yesterday.  His first one ever.  He looked so grown up and handsome in it.  Before I know it, he'll be graduating from high school (one hopes...), and be facing his own decisions about what to do.  I'm trying so hard to let him handle what is his to do - grades are not in my control, doing his homework, cleaning his room - taking a shower....ugh!  He's been tested for ADD.  I'm not sure whether I hope he has it so it can be treated, or finding he doesn't have it and all of this difficulty is really his choice.  He is such a caring, thoughtful young man.  I couldn't be more proud of him.  And really, a grade in algebra isn't the definition of him as a person.  It's just got different importance to him that it did to me at that age, or does now as the parent.

3.  Miss Maggie had a HUGE breakthrough this past weekend.  She said something she shouldn't have said to Jack (but it was the truth...what do I do with that??!!).  However, in an unprecedented turn of events, she realized she was really wrong for saying it and came on her own to apologize and seek forgiveness.  It was truly a moving moment for me as a mom to see her finally "get" this piece of understanding about responsibility for her actions/apology that she has struggled over so much.

Jack seems to be through the latest of his dramas.  It's so true that alcoholics can't seem to just be.  To be content, to be normal, to not have some drama going on.  I really can be happy and thankful for my blessings.  Yes, there are burdens, but I choose to see the blessings. 

And me - what about me?  Still fighting this cold and cough, but still seeing the good.  Thankful for a healthy family and a warm home.  There have been times without that, so it's all good.   I'm especially thankful for my parents who are still well and strong and working.  I'm thankful for being able to laugh at the insanity that is my life.  And I'm thankful for being able to laugh with my mom.  She's so fun and funny and we've been through so much.  I'm thankful for their marriage that has lasted over 45 years.  What blessings they are to me, and to their grandchildren.

Now, if I could just find one of those Elves who would put up the Christmas decorations...

Groundhog Day...in December

You may or may not have gone backwards in reading my blog (all 5 people :o)), but I just had an inspiration to look at last year's posts.  You may remember this.  I didn't remember until I re-read it, however...I don't need to write a post for what is going on today, because you can read that one and still be caught up to date.  The exact same place, only 9 days earlier.  Just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
Jack is back in the spare bedroom, and frankly, I can't say I'm sad about that.  If he's going to act like an idiot, I'm okay with him doing it away from me.  There was a new development.  Last night when I got home after working late, there was crap all over the bed and floor in that room.  It looked like the closet (which we use for storage of unused items) had exploded.  Then there was a horrible grinding noise.  I went to see what was up - and he was drilling a hole in the closet wall - saying he was moving a shelf.  The shelving system is the type with the pre-drilled holes where you insert pegs and rest the shelf on the pegs.  I'm not sure where you would drill a half-inch hole in that, but okay.  I just said be careful.
Detachment.  Yes, I'm learning to really love detachment.  It is becoming my friend instead of a dreaded stranger.
I will still never understand how he can just come and go with his "participation" in our family.  Next week should be an interesting experience as we have a meal with his dad and step-mom who live about 2 hours away and we haven't seen in 4 years.  I'm sure THAT will be really fun.  At least it should provide good blog material.
Another year older, and getting out of denial and craziness.  Now that is a good thing.

PYHO - Focusing on What Matters

Over at Things I Can't Say, she is hosting this week's Pour Your Heart Out.  As usual in my life, I'm a day late.  But I love her prompts.  They force me to see what is important in life.  So, I begin my own PYHO today.  Focusing on What Matters
I used to LOVE Christmas.  I mean love everything about it.  As the oldest grandchild, I always helped my grandma.  She had a big family, and as they all multiplied, we would usually have about 50 people - aunts, uncles, cousins for the holiday celebrations.  I would help her get out her decorations, put them up, clean up afterwards.  We'd have baking days when we'd make cookies, days to make cheeseball.  My sister and I always wrapped every gift she purchased for that big family.  We laughed, we had fun. I was always excited to get out the church that played Silent Night - it was made of some weird cardboard concoction that had some spongy snow on it.  It was probably asbestos, but so far we've mostly survived!  My cousin recently posted a photo from her childhood in front of the tree, presents stacked all around.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Five years after my grandma's death, I still miss her every day. 
After the first stop on the insanity train (marriage number 1 - I'm still not ready to discuss that openly), the holidays became dreaded to me.  If not for my kids who were just babies, then toddlers, I would have been happy to not even celebrate Christmas.  But I went through the motions. 
Now that Jack and I are married, it's still not my favorite time of year.  So far, every Christmas, he has had a bout of depression/period of the down side of undiagnosed bi-polar, something that has taken the fun out of Christmas.  I can never do or say the right thing.  I don't put the tree in the right place, and on and on.  I can't remember any Christmas that wasn't covered in a gray cloud.
This year, though, I've resolved to focus on what matters.  It's not about the fact that we don't have one single decoration out or up yet, not about the fact that we are again in that "winter doldrums" with his behavior.  It is about helping others and being God's hands and feet on this earth.  For the first time, I've actually volunteered to help during the community Christmas.  I've done things behind the scenes, but never interacted.  I'm going to do so.  I've been helping in some other ways that help me to remember why we have Christmas in the first place.  And when I do those things, I think of my grandma then.  It's not about the decorations or the color of lights on the tree, it's about people and relationships.  Even if Jack doesn't want to stop drinking and participate in life, I do.  So I'm going to focus on that and go on - Wife Goes On...with or without him.


I hope you'll stop over on the blog and read others' posts.  It is very heartwarming.

I see the moon

This month has been crazy busy.  So much sadness and hurt in the world, so much going on.  I'm doing well with my al-anon living, even with being sick for most of the last 3 weeks.  Finally feeling better, but still not 100%.  Let's see what my ADD brain is containing for today:
We have been through 4 birthdays, thanksgiving, and now face a college graduation and Christmas.  Meanwhile, I've really been noticing the moon lately.  There is a full moon, a harvest moon even.  It has been big and bright and visible every night. One night I got up at 3:00 a.m., and it looked like there were floodlights on in the back yard.  It was that bright!
Our dear, dear neigbor passed away just last night.  It's so sad, but he was an older gentleman, WWII veteran, ex-POW, and had lived a full, good life.  As I looked up, I thought how many moons had washed their light over his life.  Through the times in a depression era, as a soldier in the POW camp, as his children were born, the days he planted and harvested his crops. 
Our lives ebb and change, and still the sun rises, sets, the moon rises, the moon changes.  That same moon that saw him through those years of trials and blessings will continue to shine on my life too.
For his life, I'm thankful.  And what a blessing to have gotten to know him.

It's the year of Al-Anon

Happy Birthday to me!  I've declared this to be the Year of Al-Anon in my life.  I'm going to be gentle with myself as I seek to NOT get sucked back in to the insanity that is Jack's alcoholism.  He decided to baptize me into the attempt on my birthday, acting like a complete ass, but I don't care.  We had a great lunch with my parents, our kids and the weather was lovely.  Our children need a parent who is sane and present, and to do that, I'm going to have to start acting like I'm getting better, using my al-anon tools and the support they provide.  Whether I feel like it or not!  It's been more trying with more health tests, but in the end, I think stress is eating away at my body.  I'm not willing to give in, nor be defeated by alcoholism.  I know this is going to be difficult.  But life is already difficult.  I will be okay, just for today.  Tears are a part of it, pain is a part of it, but so is joy.  And today, I'm choosing joy.  If you are the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers for the kiddos and for me.  Even for Jack to see the truth. 

More of Me

I have been confronted with a stunning realiztion - my kids need more of me.
How can this be?  I live for these children.  I've finally learned to not be all up in the alcoholic crazy every day, but after reading this post: ...Maybe They Need More of You, I realize that I've been removing myself from fully listening and being present with my kids.  As teenagers, they need me now more than ever. I'm sitting here kicking myself for LT's grades in the first 9 weeks.  I was watching them every day, and he seemed to be doing well, so I let it go, and thought he had it all under control.  Well, now after the first grading period, he's NOT doing well at all.  College ?  Hello- is this important to anyone but me?  Maybe I dropped the ball, maybe I shouldn't have trusted him to continue on a path even with my encouragement, etc.  Whatever the case is, I don't feel like I've given enough of myself to either him or to Maggie. 
God gets through to me in lots of ways.  I think that post is one way, and I needed to hear it.  Jack is so far out of my sphere of influence, that it is safe for me to stay detached with love.  My children, however, need me.  They need my presence and attention fully when we are together.  While they need to continue to do chores, do their homework, have their jobs, etc., they need me too.  Now that I know I can take care of me, it's time to take care of what is my part of taking care of them.  Now that I better know who I am, maybe they can benefit from knowing me.
I just hope it's not too late.

We Shall See

Life continues to go on here in the land of Crazytown.  Jack seemed better after I had a little melt down, which is not my finest moment.  I don't know if it's hormones, or nearing menopause or what, but I've really been an emotional roller coaster.  Hopefully some outpatient surgery this week will help in many ways. 
I kind of hate that I broke down in front of him, but really it was just the last straw when I had had it with his crappy attitude.  I am mad at myself for letting him see me that way and for telling him what was wrong.  In the end, I guess it worked out, becuase he was really there for me on Thursday when I had yet another medical issue come to light.  Grace in the small things.
LT continues to work but struggles with one of his classes.  I really don't want him to quit his job, but seriously - hello - college??!!  Anyone interested in attending!?!  Oh well, out of my control.  And really, he's doing better than when he wasn't working.
Miss Maggie just keeps on being her chipper self, except when she has stayed up all night at a sleepover.  Thank goodness she was able to do it and have fun.  And for the first time since she was 15 months old, she took a NAP!!  Woo hoo.  I was beginning to think I had the wrong child!
I finished reading Diane Keaton's memoir.  I highly recommend.  It was really good, and really neat how she talked about her mom. 
Please keep us in your thoughts.  Rough for the kids to think I'm sick.  Should be in and out in a few hours then home.  God has a plan, and I'm going to keep following Him.