A list

Okay, I've been trying to post more, but today has been hard, so I'm going to post some things I'm thankful for...try to get a perspective.
1. The sun has been making an appearance and has actually been feeling a bit more like spring. Very good.
2. I read a book today that confirmed at a spiritual level what I've been learning and embracing in Al-Anon. Wow -God is good!
3. I'm thankful for friends who pray and put water in my bucket.
4. The kiddos are mostly happy and loving, and it feels good to hug them.
5. The response of my husband to me is not necessarily a true reflection on my worth as a person, or human.
6. My family is amazing.
7. Tomorrow is another day, one full of new mercies.

He's Still There

The day started out as so many do...me wondering if I'd done something wrong, if I had done this or said that, would Jack still be sleeping in the other room. Then I remembered to focus on what is true, what is real. What world I really live in. I talked myself out of the responsibilty when I have none - it isn't my fault, he spends so much time on p(o)rn because it is the easiest, most direct way to avoid human contact to get the endorphins flowing in his disfunctoinal, alcohol-soaked brain. There is nothing I could so, say, or think that would make it any different.
So I went to church. Still believing that God is here, that I'm not alone.
When I got to church, I was running late, as usual. I went inside as the first song ended, got my bulletin, and noticed that someone had written on it. It said "God is in Control." I thought, wow, that is just what I needed to be reminded of today. How cool that they are writing on the bulletins, must be because of Lent. Only, as I looked around, and later as people were leaving, I noticed NO other bulletins had writing on them. Only mine.
I am thankful today for the ways God works. Mysterious, quietly, loudly, amazingly. Just what I needed for the day.
Thank you God. I am not alone.

It's Awfully Quiet Here

We have been given a reprieve. We have 5 days of peace, as Jack is traveling for business. It was so nice to have a night of sleep where no one was trapesing through the bedroom to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes because he was drunk, and while in there singing or yelling, and for the topper, telling me he HATED ME (Capitalization his, not mine). What peace. What a lovely feeling of peace. But you know what - I still miss the man who I married, the one who had hidden his drinking from me for years. That man I miss. The alcoholic, I don't. So, for this few days, I will read to my heart's content, I will bask in the peace and watch any chick show on Style or TLC, and be joyful. I will see the joy in each moment. It.Is.There.

I am Weary

I am weary. I started this blog to write about my feelings. To get things out instead of stuffing them. I've been less than regular with my postings. I may be on a new all time high by posting 2 x in the same week. Today I am weary. I am tired of facing alcoholism and all of its inherent crap. I'm tired of taking care of things that I should be able to share with Jack. I'm tired of being thoughtful when I really want to scream. But really - who would I scream at? What would I scream for? Who would hear me? I feel like the answer is no one. No one who could do anything about the problems will hear me. I am trying to work on myself, to accept him where he is right now, and to just focus on what I contribute to the problems. But I'm tired. When you hear about the analogy of your heart being like a bucket, and some people drain your bucket and some people fill it up, I feel like my bucket is EMPTY. I love my children, they are wonderful, the delight of my life, but I am EMPTY. Please higher power, please fill me up.

I Want to Change for Me

Part of the Serenity prayer is to change the things I can. I've come to the conclusion that I want to change. I don't want to be dependent on the whims and moods of an alcoholic who lives in a reality that is altered from what is true and what is real. I vow to take steps to get better for me and for the kids. I will go to counseling because it helps me. I will go to Al-Anon because it is healthy and good for me to share and hear what is shared by people who really understand this hard and seemingly endless walk.
I also want to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change how Jack acts. I can only change my reactions to him. I cannot change the way Jack sees the world. He lives in a different plane that the rest of the world. I've come to know some pretty amazing people in Al-anon and because of this struggle. They have helped me to get stronger in my own skin. I am thankful for each of those people.
I pray for the wisdom to continue seeing the difference between what I can change and what I can't.
Most of all, I PRAY for WHATEVER.IT.TAKES. for God to heal Jack to happen. as soon as possible would be my first choice, but I know God's timing is perfect. Just for today, I have to trust.

Accepting the things I cannot Change

It seems like what all the books say are true. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. They say that the mean things the alcoholic says are really aimed at himself. If that is true, he must be feeling pretty horrible. How do I stay on God's side of compassionate, and not be reactive and hurt? It is a hard walk.
Jack says one thing then acts the opposite. He says he doesn't fit in the family, when he's the one who is separating himself. This is truth. Regardless of the chaos going on in his head, the truth is still the truth. I hope I can always see it. Even when it is hard. Today - IT.IS.HARD. Progression is not fun. I've changed my prayer to whatever it takes, God, to heal him of his pain and alcoholism. I pray that today, fervently. I pray that God will do whatever it takes to heal him. Before it's too late. I'm going to continue working my program, doing what is good for the family, even if he doesn't like it. So he sleeps in the other room. If I'm honest with myself, I sleep better. There are lots of books that say infidelity goes with lots of alcoholics. I am one of those lucky winners too. Just more hurt coming out to hurt more people. What I can change, I will change, what I cannot change, I accept; and I pray that I have the wisdom to know the difference.

Still Seeing the Good

You know, there is all of this talk of you see what you look for, and I'm starting to believe it. When I focus on negative, I see negative. When I focus on the postive, that's what I find. It is such a relief to know that. Even though it's cold outside, I feel amazingly blessed - warm inside. It is a wonderful and new feeling. May this find you seeing the good too.