I Want to Change for Me

Part of the Serenity prayer is to change the things I can. I've come to the conclusion that I want to change. I don't want to be dependent on the whims and moods of an alcoholic who lives in a reality that is altered from what is true and what is real. I vow to take steps to get better for me and for the kids. I will go to counseling because it helps me. I will go to Al-Anon because it is healthy and good for me to share and hear what is shared by people who really understand this hard and seemingly endless walk.
I also want to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change how Jack acts. I can only change my reactions to him. I cannot change the way Jack sees the world. He lives in a different plane that the rest of the world. I've come to know some pretty amazing people in Al-anon and because of this struggle. They have helped me to get stronger in my own skin. I am thankful for each of those people.
I pray for the wisdom to continue seeing the difference between what I can change and what I can't.
Most of all, I PRAY for WHATEVER.IT.TAKES. for God to heal Jack to happen. as soon as possible would be my first choice, but I know God's timing is perfect. Just for today, I have to trust.

Accepting the things I cannot Change

It seems like what all the books say are true. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. They say that the mean things the alcoholic says are really aimed at himself. If that is true, he must be feeling pretty horrible. How do I stay on God's side of compassionate, and not be reactive and hurt? It is a hard walk.
Jack says one thing then acts the opposite. He says he doesn't fit in the family, when he's the one who is separating himself. This is truth. Regardless of the chaos going on in his head, the truth is still the truth. I hope I can always see it. Even when it is hard. Today - IT.IS.HARD. Progression is not fun. I've changed my prayer to whatever it takes, God, to heal him of his pain and alcoholism. I pray that today, fervently. I pray that God will do whatever it takes to heal him. Before it's too late. I'm going to continue working my program, doing what is good for the family, even if he doesn't like it. So he sleeps in the other room. If I'm honest with myself, I sleep better. There are lots of books that say infidelity goes with lots of alcoholics. I am one of those lucky winners too. Just more hurt coming out to hurt more people. What I can change, I will change, what I cannot change, I accept; and I pray that I have the wisdom to know the difference.

Still Seeing the Good

You know, there is all of this talk of you see what you look for, and I'm starting to believe it. When I focus on negative, I see negative. When I focus on the postive, that's what I find. It is such a relief to know that. Even though it's cold outside, I feel amazingly blessed - warm inside. It is a wonderful and new feeling. May this find you seeing the good too.

It's Been Awhile

So many days have passed since my last post. Ironically, it seems little has changed, except me. Which I think is a good thing. As I have re-read what I've written, I see how I've grown, become so much more sane, even while living in a slightly skewed and insane world. Again, all good. Thanks to Al-Anon, I have hope. I have hope that I can get better, whether Jack chooses to or not. It feels good. His cycle is continuing, but has done better over the summer with regard to the number of drinks he has. But he is a classic case study of the result of an alcoholic trying to control his drinking on his own. Eventually he's going to resort to what his body is screaming for. I'm just thankful that I can see beauty in the world, in our children, and even in him at times. Thank God for that.

We May Not live at the corner of Insanity & Denial, but it lives in our house

Insanity continues to rein at our house. For a lovely mother's day gift, Jack bought himself a bed frame and mattress, and proceeded to unceremoniously move the entire thing, boxsprings and all, up to the spare bed-room, where he then has been sleeping with absolutely no word to me at all. He simply left the bedroom. It's a little like Elvis - he has left the building. I believe the extent of our conversations over the last 3 days has totalled about 30 words. Ironically, most of those were uttered last night.
Scene 1 - He finally gets home from his "project" after arriving home from work, and leaving without telling any of us where he was going, or when he'd be back. After running (i'm so excited I did this for myself), I was really psyched, he got home, I told him what I did. He says great, you should be proud of yourself. I give him a hug. He asks, "Why do you do that?" I say, because I love you and wanted to show you that. He says - even if I don't want you to? I said whatever, and went to change.
Scene 2 - later last night, Jack watching Cops, Maggie & I playing a game on the floor. We are making cookies, so the oven is warming up. There is a horrible smell eminating from said oven. To my knowledge, the last thing I made in the oven was meatloaf approximately 6 days ago.
Jack says - "Could you clean that oven tomorrow. You spilled something in it." I replied, you made cheesesticks in there on Saturday. Perhaps that is what the smell is. Jack responds - "I don't remember. Just clean it." I said certainly, I'd be happy to. He said, "thank you."
If this weren't so freaking insane, I'd cry. However, this is only solidifying my observation that he is nuts. His 24 beers consumption on Sunday obviously blocked his memory. Or he's an idiot.
Honestly, I want to feel compassion for him. I can see he is faltering and it is getting worse daily. But frankly, it feels good not to be caught up in the insanity. I'm not emotional about it. I will clean the oven, in fact, I did when it was still warm so the cheese would scrape right up....hmmm, doesn't sound like meatloaf???
Oh well. It is just another stop along the progression of alcoholism. He is deteriorating. I really hope he hits bottom soon.
Meanwhile, I'm going to keep working the al-anon program. What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic. Detachment. Reality. Sanity. I claim those. God, hear my prayer for him as well.

What Does Normal Look Like

Well, the drama continues. Jack continues to sleep in our room, after he told me he was buying a bed for the spare room on Saturday, and then tonight came home and said he had decided I was moving out. I said, no, I wasn't. He proceeded to say he would evict me. I'm pretty sure he can't kick me out of my own residence, even if his name is on the mortgage. THis is just so insane. If it weren't for the kids, I think I'd be gone right now. BUT the kids are here, they are part of the equation. I will wait upon the Lord - my higher power. I trust Him. Jack goes back and forth depending on how much beer he has had. Tonight, not so much - super mean and bullying. Although for the first time in my recent memory, he did apologize for talking to me like that - as usual - it is a minimizing of his behavior, and no recogniztion of the truth that exists or what I say. This is insane. Why is this so hard for me? I remember the man I married. I haven't seen him for so long. Why does this have to be so hard. I know I can't control, cause or cure this, but it seems so senseless. I guess it's back to the power of the disease on him. His brain is literally soaked in alcohol. He never dries out. I know the sun will rise tomorrow. I know God will still be there to guide me if I ask Him, so I will. If you are of the praying persuasion, please pray. I want to protect my children, but not harm them in the process. Thanks for reading.

Second verse, same as the first

Well, there have been some "decisions" made recently. I didn't know about them, nor was I consulted about them, but Jack has been making decisions. He has decided he is done, he's done supporting me and the kids and getting nothing in return. So he took all the money out of the checking account and savings account, etc. and now he wants more out of life than "this." I asked him if he could tell me honestly, before we got married, the number of times he drank in front of me, or talked about drinking. He yelled to me, "Oh, so NOW I have a drinking problem, It's all my fault." That response told me volumes. He is so far in denial, he can't see the forest for the beers. Wow. I think I just have to sit here and wonder how anyone can function so far in denial. I'm not making any decisions right now, other than he can begin sleeping in the other room, and this time, I'm not trying to woo him back.