I'm really struggling with some anxiety. I'm not sure if it's due to a change in medication or the couple of child-related situations that have happened recently, but I don't like this feeling. Yesterday I realized that I was freaking out about things that were completely not in my ability to cause, control or cure, and apologized to Jack for being so stressed lately. His reaction was to be completely pissy and say that he's the one who receives the brunt of it - even if I'm not upset with him - angry with me.
First, I cried. I really just wanted to be hugged, and hear that it's okay - the kids have been draining lately. But we're okay and we'll all make it. Instead I got that.
Second, I thought - wait a minute - What am I doing? Am I glad I stopped stressing? Have I made amends as was in my control? Yes, and Yes.
Third, I got up, went downstairs with a smile on my face and began working on my knitting. I was in such good spirits. It felt good.
It is so easy to fall back into the poor-pitiful me attitude of the co-dependency. I'm so glad I went to my Al-Anon meeting, shared, and got hugs from my friends there. They even told me how they can see so many changes for the good in me. That is where I want my validation from - from healthy friends who care. I like when Jack can do that, but when his disease won't let him, I'm not going to let that stop me from being me and being happy.
Seeking joy. Every day. In the every day.
It's so easy to let the stress get to you, but we do best when we can let go and have faith.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing good with that.
I love how you view his problem as a "disease"--I know, that's what Al-Anon says, but--I had a real hard time seeing it that way. To me it was a weakness in his character or the fact that he just wanted to be that way as an excuse to slap me around and then leave because "I can't stand to be with you because you are always so depressed." You are a far, far better woman then I was.
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