It Feels Good to Be Me

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I celebrated a big (to me) birthday last month.  It ends with 0 and starts with 5.  While I still don't feel like "50" whatever that even means, I do feel like I'm making some good strides toward just being myself.  There are big changes at work, and normally I would be freaking out.  But I just do my best to do what I can each day, and carry on.  Yesterday, in particular, I left feeling tired, as it was a crazy busy day, but I felt peaceful.  It was a tremendously wonderful feeling.

Maggie is having dental surgery today.  Please keep her in your thoughts.  I know she'll be fine, but anytime your babies have to have medical procedures, I think mamas are a little apprehensive, at least.

Hope we see some snow soon.  I like how fresh and clean everything looks with new snow.

This is a bit random, but I wanted to get the thoughts out of my head.  Thanks for "listening" or reading, as the case may be. 

Things Do Get Better

After a few days, and following through with my decision to stay true to who I am, and not get caught up in the crazy, life is back to a pleasant and peaceful pace.  For which, I'm eternally grateful and acknowledge the help my higher power has been, and continues to be in this situation, and in my life.
We did regular stuff over the weekend, including (my crazy idea), getting a real tree, and putting it up.  It's beautiful, I've missed having one, and Jack even commented on how glad he was that I suggested it.  It feels a bit more like Christmas, and it sure smells like it now!
Weather is finally becoming more December-like.  Which translates to COLD.  But that's okay. I really like the change in seasons.  Although, the shortening sunlight, not so much.


There is hope in finding things that make me happy during the holidays.  It feels so much better.


 

Still Going

Again, I've let many months go by without a post.  Maybe that's because life was going really well, and I was enjoying those peaceful times.  I've honestly made so many improvements in my thinking, my work in the 12-steps of Al-Anon, and keeping sane.  I believe that this has really helped Jack better as well.

Photo credit: https://www.womensaidni.org/assets/uploads/2014/12/we-need-your-help-to-make-christmas-safer-for-women-and-children/broken_christmas_ball_by_heart_drops.jpg

However, if you live with an addict, you are probably familiar with the witching holiday time of year.  This year we managed to make it to the day AFTER Thanksgiving before the bottom dropped out.  Which is a good thing.  For my own benefit, I need to get this latest experience out of my head.  If you've experienced something similar, maybe it will even help you too.  The crazy-making talk of an alcoholic is well-known to those living in the situation.  But sometimes we as the sober members of the family doubt our own sanity, because the alcoholic so completely believes what he says.

This past weekend, Maggie was home from university.  We headed out for some late black-Friday shopping.  Nothing crazy, just going to a few stores - by which time we went out, most of the heavy shopping was over.  In the middle of the trip, after not even being with Maggie & I in the store, Jack suddenly appeared, said he'd meet us in the car, and went out.  We were in line at the time, so were well on our way to being done.  Once we made it to the car, I could tell "something" had happened.  He was silent, moody, and we headed home. 

Once home, we endeavored to retrieve the holiday decorations from storage.  Since these are stored out of our easy reach, Maggie was a big help in getting them out.  Jack was even helping and seemed in a better mood.   Maggie & I had put up the tree, Jack grabbed his computer and left the room. 

 Fast forward to 2 1/2 hours later.I was tired, so I told Maggie to wrap it up - and I'd check with Jack for any ornaments he'd like to be sure were on the tree.  He didn't look up when I asked, so I repeated the question, and without looking up, he said "Nope."  We began packing up the tree ornaments, etc. and he came storming through the living room and says, "what about..." and then nothing.  At this point, I made my first mistake of the entire ordeal - I followed him and asked what he said.  He said nothing, and ignored me, and I kept asking him to talk to me.  Thus, I had jumped right in with both feet to the Crazy-Cyle that is this family disease.  The weekend deteriorated from there.  Finally on Sunday, he did speak to Maggie before she left for school, but continued to be cold to me.   He finally did mention that I had hurt his feeling because I'd asked if he wanted one ornament on the tree after we'd decorated it all.  That's clearly not what I said, but I wasn't going to argue.  It wouldn't help. 

 In the afternoon, we worked some outside, and things seemed better.  I do have to say, I was a wreck this entire time.  I had cried several times, asked several times what was wrong, etc.  All the things I have learned NOT to do in this situation.  It was so easy to be pulled back into the cycle.

After speaking out loud some truth, talking with my higher power, reading some of the Forum magazine, which ironically, was about the holidays, I got my head back together.  I proceeded to focus on me, my actions, what I could control, etc., and had the best week I could. 

Jack spent the entire day yesterday at home, sleeping, and never left the house - even to get the paper.  Finally, last night, he seemed like he was ready to talk.  Before he began drinking, I tried, to  engage with him, but he wasn't responsive.  In the middle of a tv show, and a couple of drinks, he decided to let me know that he wasn't going to do it anymore.  I asked what that meant, he went on to explain that he wasn't going to put up with me putting him down and telling him he was looking at other women and wanted them when he doesn't do that and only commented on someone's outfit.

I seriously thought I was in a dream.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  He went through a whole conversation that he says we had on Friday while shopping.  It never happened.  In that conversation, I said something that devastated him, and has hurt his feelings terribly.  I swear, I have absolutely NO recollection of any of this.  It was the most bizzare thing that has happened in quite some time.   More crazy made-up things followed, but I'm happy to say that I stayed calm, said I didn't recall saying that, but that clearly he was very upset, and perhaps I'd said something flippant, and didn't recall it.   He then wanted to know why I was being flippant....it just helped me see that HE had made this up in HIS mind. 

I'm still not choosing to pick-up this blame.  In a "normal" relationship, you can have a weak moment, be sarcastic, say you're sorry and move forward. This isn't a normal relationship. It's one with an alcoholic.  What he says I said isn't even something that is within my character to do.  I'm chalking it up to a guilty conscience on his part.  And going on with life.

There is lots of  helpful advice in Al-Anon, in the literature, and in the Getting Them Sober books by Toby Rice Drews.  The most helpful to me is this, "if it's good for you, it's good for the alcoholic."  And that's what I'm following.  Do things that help me feel positive and good about myself and life.  Be respectful and loving to Jack.   And that's what I can control.I do love him deeply and know that he loves me.   I hope that my continuing to stay healthy will help him too.

I am alive...and well!

I can tell you I was shocked to discover it's been over a year, and closing in on 18 months since I last posted.  I feel like I have all of these words that need to come out.  So here I go.  Pretty sure that no one is even left to wonder about this crazy life of mine.  A list seems in order, so...A list it is.

1. We have moved!  It's a delightful place, on some water, and it's just beautiful.  Even the snow on the water and trees was beautiful.  The only drawback, it's really difficult to leave and go to work.

2.  Maggie is in college!  She's not too far away, but far enough for her to be independent, which she has been since birth, but she still likes to come home once or twice a semester.  She's doing a summer session Study Abroad.  She's an amazing, wonderful, spunky young woman.

3.  LT is moving across the country.  I'm a little sad, because I know where he is now, I know where he lives, where he goes grocery shopping, I know that he's safe.  Where he's moving, none of us has ever been, but he's gotten a full-time job, with benefits and tuition assistance, and he's promised me he will keep taking classes, so he can get his degree without debt.  That's a really smart and good thing to do, but him moving there has me a little off-balance.  I know he will be fine, he already has.  I feel scared with not knowing.  He even already has an apartment.  The same can not be said for Abby's beau who recently moved 1200 miles, to arrive with no apartment, and really not sure what he was going to do.  Lucky for him, the company paid for his hotel while he figured it out.

4.  Abby is doing well, if slightly mired in her own drama.  She wants to move with said beau at the end of school.  SMH.  She's a grown-up too.

5.  All in all, we've raised our kids to be secure and independent, and they are...well, except for Jake.  He's still in the state institution for a year or so.  I had zero involvement in raising him, but oh boy, there are some choices he's made that it doesn't really matter how he was raised.  He knew better and did it anyway.  That's all I have to say about that.

That's all for now.  Thanks for reading.  I'll try to be better about posting.  If I can drag myself away from the patio...

xxoo
WGO

Let's get caught up

So after a ridiculously long dry spell, I reappear.   It's been a wet, weird summer.  Mostly a good summer, but wet.  Ick.  So to catch everyone up, school is over, LT stayed out west for work and still loves it.  He did a great job in school, and continues to make this mama proud.  Maggie is a very good teenager, and sometime drives me nutty, but is headed into her senior year, and we've been traveling the state looking at colleges. Abby is on her own vacation, and thankfully, seems to be enjoying that too.  So glad for some time home alone with Jack.  Isn't that a surprise? 
We've had a good summer so far, even going on our own vacation, sans children, the first ever.  It was delightful and I now want to move to the mountains of Alaska.  I realize that isn't a real possibility at this moment, but still, I was moved to tears by the beauty of that place.  Simply beyond words, and photos don't even remotely do it justice. 
My work continues to be the same, but I've come to a better place with it.  Part of it may be that I've been at the same place for nearly 10 years, and that is the longest I've ever done anything, except parent and drive.  There's some perspective for you.  I apparently have a whole lot of quit in me.  Ha ha.
Celebrated 50 years of marriage for my parents a few weeks ago.  What an incredible and awesome achievement.  I am so proud to have parents that still love each other, and even went on a quick week adventure to celebrate.
That's the quick recap.  Hope you have a great day, and that it is summer day with sunshine!

thank you to: http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee120/JustAnEngineer/Alaska/Denali/IMG_2364.jpg

A Job

This is typically my place to examine and reflect on life at home.  I am really struggling at work and thought maybe this would be a good place to examine life on the job.  Over the past few months, I've become increasingly unhappy.  I'm not sure if it's because I've remained in the same place with the same people, who really are almost all like family to me, or if it's because my supervisor is gone so often.  While frequently that is a good thing, it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm just a small person in a small place with a small job, where my sole purpose is to clean up after other people, not in a housekeeping sense, but in a crisis management sense.  Like the failure of others to do their job, for which they are paid big bucks, results in me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and never being able to complete anything or do a good job at any task.  Frustration.  With a capital F.

So I start looking for other work.  At the same place.  But they decide to do an overhaul of time off (vacation, sick, etc.).  So now do I want to continue to work here?  I don't know. I'm so cynical and tired.  And really, I want to make pretty things.  I'm tired of doing what i have to do to take care of my family.  Thankfully, the day to day existence is better now, but I'm still stuck.  Clearly I have first world problems, but I want to make a difference to the world.  So, I will continue to wait and see what God may have planned.  I will look for windows he's opened, and hope for a giant garage door flung wide open that I need to walk through.  I can't figure out what is next.

Thankfully family is well and safe and healthy (as much as we can be with our dysfunction).  For that I'm grateful.  And the sunshine.  It makes winter a lot more bearable.

This About Sums it Up

So today, I ran across this post: Don't Roll Into the Holiday 'Till You Read This.  It says EXACTLY what I've needed to hear.  I've been really struggling with the holidays, for years actually, and this year I about went over the edge when Jack spat at me that LT couldn't stay with us for his entire Christmas break from school.  Instead of just talking to me about it, in his typical Passive/Aggressive way, said something vague and then I was supposed to interpret what that meant.  After tiring of his cold shoulder routine, I guess he finally was tired of acting like that too, and decided to talk to me.  Now, I can understand that he doesn't want to have the entire month long period being stressed for everyone, and by everyone, he means him and Abby, but we can have LT here several times, just no more than 3-4 days at a time.
Really?  I try not to be too bitchy about things that go on in the insanity circle that is the alcoholic family dynamic, but this isn't what I wanted my family to look like.  I guess that's why Momastry's post really struck me.  Rarely do our families live up to the shiny sparkly families that are advertised on every station and in every magazine.  We are all a bunch of messy, broken humans trying to get through life.  I accept all of my family and their messiness.  I just wish those messes didn't have to hurt so much.
Praying for peace and joy for your family this Christmas.
Please remember the reason we celebrate - the gift of God in human form - He came to this messy world so we could know a better place.
Blessings to you and yours.
WGO