Wife Goes On

Live & Let Live

2012-02-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

The reading I did today in Courage to Change (Al-Anon daily book), and it talked about how when you first go to Al-Anon, the program talks about serenity, when all you really want to hear is how to stop the Alcoholic from drinking. I was thinking back to my first meeting(s), and I think I didn't even think about stopping him, I just cried and cried and wanted someone to stop the insanity. Ironically, the insanity hasn't really stopped, but I've stopped being so influenced by it. There are sayings in al-alnon, and sometimes with that as well, I'd like to choose how Jack behaves, drinks, etc., but I realize I do have to live and let him live. I wouldn't want him telling me how to do things, and when he does, I want to scream. But I've learned that he's entitled to make his own choices, even if they don't match mine - AND a big thing I've learned is I can LIVE. I can make choices.

I know it may sound strange if you've never really lived with an alcoholic, but I didn't know I COULD make choices. It is really serenity building when I step back and decide if I want to act at all, and if so, what course that will take. I realize I don't have control over his drinking, or a lot of other things in my life, but I do have control over my choices. What Freedom! In the back of that same Courage to Change book, I've written "Do you WANT to say No?" I did that so I'd remember to focus on 1. What do I want, and 2. The answer to some one's request from me does not always have to be a yes. So empowering. Here's to a great day for today. Enjoy the sun if you have it, and the warmth of your home if the sun is hiding.

Thinking About Love

2012-02-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

I read a post on Rage Against the Minivan that talked about love, and whether love takes work. Some, who I would guess are lacking in the age/experience department (that is my opinion there - it is my blog...), say that if it's not flowery, easy, rainbows and unicorns, it isn't love, and it's better to move on. I suppose if you aren't married, there is lots to find useful in that statement. However, after some pretty horrific and some fantastic experiences, I say I'm more of the love-is-a-choice boat. There are days I don't feel very loving toward anyone, Jack sometimes especially. However, I want to be loving, I love him. Sometimes it's more of an act it till you feel it kind of day, and sometimes it's fantastic, flowery, rainbows and unicorns. Even when he's acting alcoholic, I respect him enough to see that he's a person, a child of God who has the free will to make his choices. Even if they aren't the choices I'd make for him or myself. Boy don't I sound all healthy and Al-anon ish? For today. And really, that's all we have is today.

Progress - Any progress is good progress

2012-01-31T13:21:00.000-08:00

The full moon may be 8 days away, but I swear there are cycles that both the moon and Jack have in common. Thankfully, I have recognized it before, and last night it hit me that I'm making progress in other ways too. I could see that he'd been having a bad work day - really, and with just cause. But for one of the first few times, I didn't immediately jump to the conclusion that I had done something to make him be in a bad mood. He just was. And frankly, when he came home, I was having my own hissy fit over the failed recipe I'd made for dinner (the second time this happened w/the same dish). But even that - I realized my part of being crabby and apologized for what was mine - and nothing more. I feel like that is a huge step for me - a FORWARD step.

I'm so thankful for Al-anon, for the blogs that are out there, the books that are available, and my higher power. God is good, and I'm so glad He gives me another chance.

Still no news from the court date - papers weren't delivered yesterday. I just want it over. I'd prefer it be over in a way that doesn't require ANY court intervention, but we don't always get to choose that.

LT is having problems getting his homework turned in AGAIN. I really believed he had gotten the message - but alas, no. The list of grades is either 100% or 0. Resulting in a D. I'm so pissed off, but it is all out of my control. I can make life electronic free, but I can't make him turn his shit in. GRRRRRR. All other grades are A's, but you know the Ds are in the important classes, not health and choir. I'm trying to keep perspective, but I DON'T understand it. I'm certainly not a boy and I REALLY don't understand him. Oh well, God has this in control too.

Just another day....

Just for Today

2012-01-27T06:02:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was not one of my favorites, then turned into something better. As I was walking to work today, I thought - thank you God for new mercies every morning, and that I can start today without the burden of yesterday.
So let's just get this out of my head - My ex-husband molested my (our -but I don't give him that privilege any longer) daughter at 4 years old. Thank GOD she was able to tell me in a way that both showed me truth, and that I could act upon at that moment. He was arrested, given 20 weekends (note 40 DAYS) in jail so he could keep his union job - wasn't that judge so kind. He was abusive to me and to our son. Since our separation/divorce he has been getting child support taken out of his check every week. Usually pretty regularly unless there was a shutdown or something. He does not see them, do to court order, and he has not asked to change it. again, thank GOD. Yesterday, I was notified that he has asked to lower child support. Since there has been NO contact with him for over 8 years, this was a shock to me. When I called the court to get details, they said he wrote on his own (pro-se) that he has brain cancer and isn't able to work.
Last summer, his mother wrote to me telling me that he had cancer, and the prognosis wasn't good. He even sent the kids each a letter, which I have read - they have not. In it, he said he always thought of the kids on their birthdays and Christmas, but didn't send them presents because he didn't know if "their mother" would let them see the presents. Honestly, I didn't keep that letter from them because he is angry with me - i kept it from them so they don't have to see what an *ss(#)@ their father is and be hurt again by him thinking of them "on their birthdays and Christmas." No mention at all of being sorry for what had happened, for breaking up our family, for hurting them.
At first, I wasn't even sure I believed he had cancer, because it is something they would do to try to gain sympathy. Now he has testified to court that he has it, but even still...part of me says good - what you deserve, and the other part of me, the one who is supposed to love others like Christ loves feels bad. I wish I didn't feel the "good" part, but I do. Really though - It just makes me sad. And scared. The thought of seeing him again scares me.
I wasn't able to work yesterday, and went home to discuss with my husband - thankfully - for that day, Jack was what I needed him to be. And he had a great idea - I can agree to lowering support, and avoid a hearing. I NEVER even considered that. You'd think I'd remember something from law school, working for a court and working for an attorney. Apparently when my emotions are involved, my brain doesn't engage!
Just for today, I'm thankful for the kindness Jack showed me. I'm thankful that even when days are hard, there is the part of him who loves me and the kids, and protects us. Sometimes even from myself. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can, AND the wisdom to know the difference!
One day at a time.

Seven Things

2012-01-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

Seven things, in no particular order, about nothing in particular:
1. I have a friend who turned 60 today. She neither looks nor acts 60, and 60 doesn't seem as old as it did when I was 20.
2. The sun should make a daily appearance during winter. Where do I make that request?
3. I want to spend all day at home with our best dog, and match her routine - sleep for sleep.
4. God sometimes shows us amazing things through our friends, who are sometimes closer than family.
5. Republican candidates for president are making our president look better and better.
6. The fact that I typed that last sentence AND believe it, saddens me.
7. I would like some frozen custard. It makes everything better.

When I Look at Today

2012-01-22T10:12:00.000-08:00

When I look at today, I see that fresh snow makes the world a prettier world. Cold days are great for knitting and snuggling under a favorite old quilt. God is way more forgiving and loving than I deserve. Children are a blessing but sometimes can drive parents crazy. I wouldn't trade them for anything. When I look at today, I see the days are good, but the nights sometimes not. When I look around - I see a dog who is a member of our family, and who makes me love dogs - even indoors. I never thought that would happen. It's not what you look at, it's what you see.

Happy Sunday.

This has no title....hmmm

2012-01-18T05:52:00.000-08:00

It feels so strange to come home to a house with only the kids and dog. To know that whatever has happened during the day, it will be peaceful. I do miss Jack, though. I miss the man I married. But I'm never sure he's the one who will be home when I get here. Random thoughts today. One day at a time, and today I will delight in my peace.
Al-anon is today, but I'm not going to work, so I'll miss it. I love the people there, those I know only by their first names, those who understand what life is like, those who have helped me find joy and peace, those who have helped me grow. I'm so thankful for them. I hope if you are reading this and you have an alcoholic in your past or present, find a meeting today. It truly will change your life - FOR THE BETTER!

Guilt go away, you are just my disease talking!

2012-01-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

So in a couple of days, Jack is leaving for a business trip. I'm feeling guilty because, even though things, including my new habits, are going well, I am really ready for him to be gone for a few days. As it says in my "Getting Them Sober" books, that is just my disease (family part of the disease of alcoholism) talking. So, I reject that guilt. I'm going to be happy that today is Friday, and ready to face the evening, one day at a time. It's almost like some days I'm waiting to exhale, and that is such a relief to do so.
On a random note, I got new windshield wipers today, and it is awesome. Clean crisp windshield...love it! I think I'm going to buy some half-price yarn this weekend too. That will make a fun new project starting possible. I think I'll actually knit something for myself - after I get LT's hat done...he's patiently waiting!

Snow!

2012-01-12T09:24:00.000-08:00

Finally, it is snowing in the winter, in the midwest. I'm so glad! I have to say that, otherwise, I'll remember how cold it is, and how much I hate scraping off the car. Oh well, it is beautiful, and that is a fact. It's been a good few days. Good for me in spite of Jack's drinking. For a while he was drinking bourbon instead of beer. Never did that before, and it is very bad -he's not a nice drunk on burbon. But, I stuck with my al-anon thoughts, slogans, sanity, and it worked. I didn't have to attend the fights he was inviting me to! (I just ended the sentence with a preposition. Just so you know that I know I did it....but i'm not changing it. Sorry Ms. Z.)
LT was sick for the past week. I'm glad he's finally feeling better and can go to school. It is not the best time to be missing school in the first week after break! Maggie is doing so well. She gets to go on a trip this weekend with her friends. I'm so thankful that she has good friends where she can go and be away from craziness.
We really had a great dinner last night at a restaurant. All four of us, since Abby is away at school. It's nice to know that we can enjoy times together. Be the family that we get glimpses of. *another preposition - i'm getting lazy. I've started a new hobby and I love it. It's part of my taking care of me project. It's great to learn something new - it's been twenty years, I think since I learned a new skill. And I actually make things. LOVE IT!
For all the times things seemed hopeless, I am so thankful to God for the hope I have every day. In my God.

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

What a loaded statement. Happy.New.Year. When your loved one is an alcoholic, especially your husband, it is pretty hard to find happy on any one day. Especially when it is following a holiday season that is always difficult. I don't know it any other way with Jack. As usual, he is pushing me away, saying he wants to be left alone, because I "haven't done anything" for the last two weeks. When asked what that looks like - he NEVER has an answer. Finally, for the first time, I'm not picking it up. This is about what is going on in his head. This is not about me or what I've done or not done. He can have it. I have refused to beg and plead and want everything to be smooth. I am more peaceful than I've been for a very long time, so he is pushing me to get my typical reaction. I wrote on my hand today "ACT." That is my new Mantra. I want to Act upon what I notice, see, hear, and witness. I don't want to react. Reacting has not had the best outcomes, so I am choosing to ACT. How liberating. I am also asking myself, what do I want to do? Sometimes I'm not sure I even know, so I'd better be asking myself so I can figure it out! This is a grand journey, recognizing that the family of the alcoholic has a disease too. It has lots of guilt. It stinks. But now that I know it, can see the progression of Jack's disease, I'm choosing differently. For today, I'm okay.
Happy New Year to you, may you find a peace that passes all understanding from your higher power.

Keep Coming Back, It works if you Work It

2011-12-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I am shocked. At first I thought it was suprise. But really, it is shocked. I am shocked because over the last few weeks of Jack's "episode" of not involving in the family, crass comments, usual stuff has resulted in a different response from me. I let him be in that place. I didn't try to stop it, I didn't try to fix it, I didn't try to control it. I continued to act the way I would any other day. And it was WONDERFUL! I truly learned what it meant to detach. I've struggled so hard with that word, that verb, that process, everything about detachment has seemed impossible to me. However, It really Worked!!! Just like they say in Al-Anon - Keep Coming Back, It Works if you Work It and we Work It because We're WORTH It!
It even seemed to have a good effect on the kids. What a blessing to finally see progress in ME! And the situation resolved itself like always, only I didn't have all those bad feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt. What a relief!
I only wish everyone who lives with an alcoholic could see that light of hope - even for a moment.

I trust God

2011-08-21T19:19:00.001-07:00

Trust in the Lord with All your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. I repeat this verse to myself when I can't bear to get through one more day. I trust in God, I trust His plan, and even though I can't see through the drama, the alcoholism, the pain, I know God is still here, right beside me, holding me in the palm of His hand. This weekend has really stunk from the perspective of what alcoholism is doing to Jack, but it has shown me what I trust. I can't trust man, but I trust God.

He said, she said, he doesn't remember...

2011-08-11T15:44:00.001-07:00

I don't know what to say, so I'll just let my mind go. Today it came to Jack's attention that he is having blackouts. I suspected it, but today in a conversation, he stated that he didn't remember anything that happened last night, not the words he said, not the actions he did, not the hurtful things that happened. None of it. And I believe it. I asked some other questions about other instances that have been happening since the whole latest cycle of drama have occured, and he didn't remember any of them happening. He then said he told me a few weeks ago that a good event that had happened, that we had talked about, that he didn't remember that either. When he said at the time he didn't remember it, it was like he was teasing me. Like he was playing. And he let me believe that then.
I guess this is a good sign, that I'm truly not crazy. That sometimes when it feels like we are living in two different lives, yet in the same house, family, area...that we are. I have the life where I can see and hear what goes on, and he doesn't. No wonder on top of the alcoholism, that he thinks differently about nearly every encounter our family has together than I do. I know what's going on. Sadly, this is only going to get worse until he realizes what is causing this problem. He's still blaming it on some medication, and that could have some effect. However, I think a lifetime of daily drinking 8-10 beers is probably the true cause.
We shall see what God has planned. I trust Him because He never leaves me nor forgets me. Thank goodness He is in control, cause I'm not capable of fixing this for sure!

Houston, we have a problem...

2011-08-09T15:15:00.000-07:00

Well, as I guessed in my last post, here we are again. Stuck in this bad place of denial, delusion, misperceptions, and insanity. Luckily I'm not as wrapped up in it this time, and I feel much better. It starts with a cranky mood, and spirals from there. I swear there is another person inhabiting Jack's brain. Actually, I think it is just the alcohol slowly eating away at the brain he has, and he now doesn't act like himself. It is sad, really. I'm feeling better knowing that in reality, God is in control of this situation, He already knows the outcome, and we will all be okay. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around how there seem to be two different lives...his and everyone else's. He's constantly ripping off how he imagines everyone thinking about the most trivial things, like the kids left some clothes that were too small for them in the hall for 3 days - in a box, not scattered. You would have thought that I personally wanted to cut off his right arm. It was that serious of a matter to him. Way blown out of proportion. I made a mistake though. I responded and tried to defend them. When I tried to calmly talk to him for two days, he'd refuse to get off the computer (porn) and converse with me. Finally when I asked to talk, he said all I did was question him, so I just decided to speak honestly, but not with any blame to tell him how I was feeling, that I felt worried with his health issues that he was drinking too much. Yeah, that got me a tirade about how just because you accidentally bump someone, or break something, that doesn't make it okay when you say you are sorry. I'm not sure how those two topics tie together, but okay...that was bothering him. After his little freakout about that, he clammed back up, and went on to ignore me.
I'm not going to lie, even with all the healthy things I'm doing....detachment, al-anon meetings, reading good books on alcoholism, I am scared for his health and safety. He drinks about 8-10 16-oz. beers every night, and sometimes more. He has to know that he is slowly killing himself. Maybe that is what he thinks will help him feel better, I don't know. I guess I'm glad I'm on the outside of the inside looking in rather than in that place myself. I'm sure God is tired of hearing my prayers, but I really think only God can intervene in this situation. How does anyone face this crap life throws at us without God? I don't know, but I sure couldn't.

Here we go again

2011-08-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

If anyone thinks they know alcoholism, and don't think it is a cycle of insanity, they are wrong or lying to you. Late Saturday started what is a typical downward spiral. At least I can recognize that now - and not take it personally. When I can slow down and think. I have to remember to not react, but to act after thinking. I'm so glad Alanon has helped me to get my head better. We did have a wonderful vacation and I was able to enjoy that when it was happening and have good memories from it. But now here we are in the thick of things again. Please pray, or send good thoughts, whatever it is you do. I really wish he could see the life he is missing out on. I also think the progression of alcoholism is happening. He has become so forgetful and cranky that he can't remember anythihng and focus on anything. Well there's the porn. He can sure focus on that. I guess I need to be thankful it's on the computer and not the television where we all have to live.

It's been a long time

2011-07-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

It is HOT here. So hot. Even on vacation it was HOT. Today was the first day back to work, and apparently, we're going through a bit of a rough patch. However, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and that is to trust God in all things. I can't control what Jack gets ticked off about, and I really don't think that most of the time it's even worthy of spending time being ticked about. I guess that's where our opinions are different...lol. God has been beside me all the time, and I'm not going to stop trusting him now. Please be thinking about both Jack and I. We're both suffering some tummy troubles, not the same ones, but it is hard on the body and the mind when this happens. He even called the dr. today. That's how I know it is serious for him. I'm going to keep trusting. Keep believing what is true, and I'm going to check the moon phase because about 3/4 of the time, that is usually a good predictor of the behavior that will follow. Hope you are enjoying the summer and staying cool.

Wow, a Week later, and God is still in Control

2011-03-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

I come here today, to remind myself what is true. Again. It is really work to keep up with re-programming your mind to hear truth, and to reject lies. If I choose to believe lies, I will feel overwhelmed, fearful, sad, angry and rejected. If I choose to belive truth, I feel safe, confident, powerful in God's spirit, whole and loved beyond measure. God showed me again, that he is in control. And sometimes that means being obedient to him by waiting for HIM to work. Not for something I can do, or I am capable of, but something only He can do, and I need to get out of His way. His way is Truth, Light, and Love. May I continue to believe the truth, and may you also. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference

A list

2011-03-22T16:40:00.001-07:00

Okay, I've been trying to post more, but today has been hard, so I'm going to post some things I'm thankful for...try to get a perspective.
1. The sun has been making an appearance and has actually been feeling a bit more like spring. Very good.
2. I read a book today that confirmed at a spiritual level what I've been learning and embracing in Al-Anon. Wow -God is good!
3. I'm thankful for friends who pray and put water in my bucket.
4. The kiddos are mostly happy and loving, and it feels good to hug them.
5. The response of my husband to me is not necessarily a true reflection on my worth as a person, or human.
6. My family is amazing.
7. Tomorrow is another day, one full of new mercies.

He's Still There

2011-03-20T15:30:00.001-07:00

The day started out as so many do...me wondering if I'd done something wrong, if I had done this or said that, would Jack still be sleeping in the other room. Then I remembered to focus on what is true, what is real. What world I really live in. I talked myself out of the responsibilty when I have none - it isn't my fault, he spends so much time on p(o)rn because it is the easiest, most direct way to avoid human contact to get the endorphins flowing in his disfunctoinal, alcohol-soaked brain. There is nothing I could so, say, or think that would make it any different.
So I went to church. Still believing that God is here, that I'm not alone.
When I got to church, I was running late, as usual. I went inside as the first song ended, got my bulletin, and noticed that someone had written on it. It said "God is in Control." I thought, wow, that is just what I needed to be reminded of today. How cool that they are writing on the bulletins, must be because of Lent. Only, as I looked around, and later as people were leaving, I noticed NO other bulletins had writing on them. Only mine.
I am thankful today for the ways God works. Mysterious, quietly, loudly, amazingly. Just what I needed for the day.
Thank you God. I am not alone.

It's Awfully Quiet Here

2011-03-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

We have been given a reprieve. We have 5 days of peace, as Jack is traveling for business. It was so nice to have a night of sleep where no one was trapesing through the bedroom to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes because he was drunk, and while in there singing or yelling, and for the topper, telling me he HATED ME (Capitalization his, not mine). What peace. What a lovely feeling of peace. But you know what - I still miss the man who I married, the one who had hidden his drinking from me for years. That man I miss. The alcoholic, I don't. So, for this few days, I will read to my heart's content, I will bask in the peace and watch any chick show on Style or TLC, and be joyful. I will see the joy in each moment. It.Is.There.

I am Weary

2011-02-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

I am weary. I started this blog to write about my feelings. To get things out instead of stuffing them. I've been less than regular with my postings. I may be on a new all time high by posting 2 x in the same week. Today I am weary. I am tired of facing alcoholism and all of its inherent crap. I'm tired of taking care of things that I should be able to share with Jack. I'm tired of being thoughtful when I really want to scream. But really - who would I scream at? What would I scream for? Who would hear me? I feel like the answer is no one. No one who could do anything about the problems will hear me. I am trying to work on myself, to accept him where he is right now, and to just focus on what I contribute to the problems. But I'm tired. When you hear about the analogy of your heart being like a bucket, and some people drain your bucket and some people fill it up, I feel like my bucket is EMPTY. I love my children, they are wonderful, the delight of my life, but I am EMPTY. Please higher power, please fill me up.

I Want to Change for Me

2011-02-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

Part of the Serenity prayer is to change the things I can. I've come to the conclusion that I want to change. I don't want to be dependent on the whims and moods of an alcoholic who lives in a reality that is altered from what is true and what is real. I vow to take steps to get better for me and for the kids. I will go to counseling because it helps me. I will go to Al-Anon because it is healthy and good for me to share and hear what is shared by people who really understand this hard and seemingly endless walk.
I also want to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change how Jack acts. I can only change my reactions to him. I cannot change the way Jack sees the world. He lives in a different plane that the rest of the world. I've come to know some pretty amazing people in Al-anon and because of this struggle. They have helped me to get stronger in my own skin. I am thankful for each of those people.
I pray for the wisdom to continue seeing the difference between what I can change and what I can't.
Most of all, I PRAY for WHATEVER.IT.TAKES. for God to heal Jack to happen. as soon as possible would be my first choice, but I know God's timing is perfect. Just for today, I have to trust.

Accepting the things I cannot Change

2011-02-27T11:11:00.001-08:00

It seems like what all the books say are true. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. They say that the mean things the alcoholic says are really aimed at himself. If that is true, he must be feeling pretty horrible. How do I stay on God's side of compassionate, and not be reactive and hurt? It is a hard walk.
Jack says one thing then acts the opposite. He says he doesn't fit in the family, when he's the one who is separating himself. This is truth. Regardless of the chaos going on in his head, the truth is still the truth. I hope I can always see it. Even when it is hard. Today - IT.IS.HARD. Progression is not fun. I've changed my prayer to whatever it takes, God, to heal him of his pain and alcoholism. I pray that today, fervently. I pray that God will do whatever it takes to heal him. Before it's too late. I'm going to continue working my program, doing what is good for the family, even if he doesn't like it. So he sleeps in the other room. If I'm honest with myself, I sleep better. There are lots of books that say infidelity goes with lots of alcoholics. I am one of those lucky winners too. Just more hurt coming out to hurt more people. What I can change, I will change, what I cannot change, I accept; and I pray that I have the wisdom to know the difference.

Still Seeing the Good

2011-01-19T16:18:00.000-08:00

You know, there is all of this talk of you see what you look for, and I'm starting to believe it. When I focus on negative, I see negative. When I focus on the postive, that's what I find. It is such a relief to know that. Even though it's cold outside, I feel amazingly blessed - warm inside. It is a wonderful and new feeling. May this find you seeing the good too.

It's Been Awhile

2010-10-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

So many days have passed since my last post. Ironically, it seems little has changed, except me. Which I think is a good thing. As I have re-read what I've written, I see how I've grown, become so much more sane, even while living in a slightly skewed and insane world. Again, all good. Thanks to Al-Anon, I have hope. I have hope that I can get better, whether Jack chooses to or not. It feels good. His cycle is continuing, but has done better over the summer with regard to the number of drinks he has. But he is a classic case study of the result of an alcoholic trying to control his drinking on his own. Eventually he's going to resort to what his body is screaming for. I'm just thankful that I can see beauty in the world, in our children, and even in him at times. Thank God for that.

We May Not live at the corner of Insanity & Denial, but it lives in our house

2010-05-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

Insanity continues to rein at our house. For a lovely mother's day gift, Jack bought himself a bed frame and mattress, and proceeded to unceremoniously move the entire thing, boxsprings and all, up to the spare bed-room, where he then has been sleeping with absolutely no word to me at all. He simply left the bedroom. It's a little like Elvis - he has left the building. I believe the extent of our conversations over the last 3 days has totalled about 30 words. Ironically, most of those were uttered last night.
Scene 1 - He finally gets home from his "project" after arriving home from work, and leaving without telling any of us where he was going, or when he'd be back. After running (i'm so excited I did this for myself), I was really psyched, he got home, I told him what I did. He says great, you should be proud of yourself. I give him a hug. He asks, "Why do you do that?" I say, because I love you and wanted to show you that. He says - even if I don't want you to? I said whatever, and went to change.
Scene 2 - later last night, Jack watching Cops, Maggie & I playing a game on the floor. We are making cookies, so the oven is warming up. There is a horrible smell eminating from said oven. To my knowledge, the last thing I made in the oven was meatloaf approximately 6 days ago.
Jack says - "Could you clean that oven tomorrow. You spilled something in it." I replied, you made cheesesticks in there on Saturday. Perhaps that is what the smell is. Jack responds - "I don't remember. Just clean it." I said certainly, I'd be happy to. He said, "thank you."
If this weren't so freaking insane, I'd cry. However, this is only solidifying my observation that he is nuts. His 24 beers consumption on Sunday obviously blocked his memory. Or he's an idiot.
Honestly, I want to feel compassion for him. I can see he is faltering and it is getting worse daily. But frankly, it feels good not to be caught up in the insanity. I'm not emotional about it. I will clean the oven, in fact, I did when it was still warm so the cheese would scrape right up....hmmm, doesn't sound like meatloaf???
Oh well. It is just another stop along the progression of alcoholism. He is deteriorating. I really hope he hits bottom soon.
Meanwhile, I'm going to keep working the al-anon program. What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic. Detachment. Reality. Sanity. I claim those. God, hear my prayer for him as well.

What Does Normal Look Like

2010-05-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well, the drama continues. Jack continues to sleep in our room, after he told me he was buying a bed for the spare room on Saturday, and then tonight came home and said he had decided I was moving out. I said, no, I wasn't. He proceeded to say he would evict me. I'm pretty sure he can't kick me out of my own residence, even if his name is on the mortgage. THis is just so insane. If it weren't for the kids, I think I'd be gone right now. BUT the kids are here, they are part of the equation. I will wait upon the Lord - my higher power. I trust Him. Jack goes back and forth depending on how much beer he has had. Tonight, not so much - super mean and bullying. Although for the first time in my recent memory, he did apologize for talking to me like that - as usual - it is a minimizing of his behavior, and no recogniztion of the truth that exists or what I say. This is insane. Why is this so hard for me? I remember the man I married. I haven't seen him for so long. Why does this have to be so hard. I know I can't control, cause or cure this, but it seems so senseless. I guess it's back to the power of the disease on him. His brain is literally soaked in alcohol. He never dries out. I know the sun will rise tomorrow. I know God will still be there to guide me if I ask Him, so I will. If you are of the praying persuasion, please pray. I want to protect my children, but not harm them in the process. Thanks for reading.

Second verse, same as the first

2010-05-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

Well, there have been some "decisions" made recently. I didn't know about them, nor was I consulted about them, but Jack has been making decisions. He has decided he is done, he's done supporting me and the kids and getting nothing in return. So he took all the money out of the checking account and savings account, etc. and now he wants more out of life than "this." I asked him if he could tell me honestly, before we got married, the number of times he drank in front of me, or talked about drinking. He yelled to me, "Oh, so NOW I have a drinking problem, It's all my fault." That response told me volumes. He is so far in denial, he can't see the forest for the beers. Wow. I think I just have to sit here and wonder how anyone can function so far in denial. I'm not making any decisions right now, other than he can begin sleeping in the other room, and this time, I'm not trying to woo him back.

Growing is a slow process

2010-04-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have been reading, devouring even, books about coping, living with an alcoholic spouse. Over and over again, the different authors say that with a change in my behavior and reactions, I will feel more sane, and Jake has a better chance of wanting to stop drinking. Lately, those books and words of encouragement are about all that has kept me going. Well, that and the belief that God already knows the outcome of this situation, and I don't need to worry about it. Living with Jack for the past few weeks has been nearly unbearable if I were to allow his behavior and words to penetrate my being any more than I have been. Thank God I have been going to Al-Anon, and have found these books. Sometimes the loneliness is still overwhelming, but I do believe, as one book said, that it is easier if I remember he is acting just like thousands, even millions of other alcoholics. There is nothing super powerful or super-special about Jack. He is an alcoholic. This is what they do. They get worse until they stop drinking or die. I do feel like I'm claiming some of my life back from the alcoholic/co-dependency issues. Small steps - not perfection. Like those flowers I'm planting outside, I must pay attention to my spirit, give it water and nourishment. Only then, will I be able to not only face what life offers, but grow and embrace it. May this weekend give you a peace that passes all understanding. If you are a wife who is lonely, send me a comment or email. I'd love to meet you and be internet friends!

You might be an Alcoholic if...

2010-03-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

A list - one of my first, but I think it's time.
You might be for an alcoholic if...
1. You take out the trash after you've been drinking, because you don't want your daughter to see how much you drank and call you out on it.
2. You think just a couple of beers = 9 16-oz cans or 15 12-oz cans in 2.1 hours.
3. You see everything your wife does as a judgment on your behavior - even when she cooks, after you say yet again that she never cooks, and you eat less than 3 meals a week out - including lunch.
4. you are in denial about everything in your life.
5. your life is not "exciting" - You are not content with anything in your life but make no move to change it.
6. you hate yourself and treat everyone in your family as if you hate them to make yourself feel better.
And now, how I can see things after going to Al-Anon, and to continue to read about alcoholism.
You might be recovering from Alcoholism in your spouse or family member if...
1. You are able to see that he is suffering from a disease.
2. You are able to stop bringing him drinks - as you are able - and let him induldge in his disease on his own.
3. You are able to go upstairs or in another room or outside the house if you need to be away from the way he is talking or drinking, or making you uncomfortable. Even just for today or just for the hour.
4. You are able to detach with love - let him feel the consequences of his behavior. If he chooses to be alone - let him be there.
5. You are able to say just for today, I will have peace in my home.
6. You no longer hate your husband, but you do hate what the alcohol turns him into.
7. I am able to see love and affirmation from other people and places. He's not so powerful
8. I am able to put him in the back of my mind...for now. After all, that's probably where we are, because his disease is the focus of his every thought and decision.

One Day at a Time

2010-03-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

Have I already had a post with this title? Maybe so, but I need another one. I guess what they say is true. As long as the alcoholic still drinks, the disease progresses. Ironically, it seems that the disease is also cyclical in nature. We are back to the place where he's trolling the internet, this time with a fake name, and trying to get someone else to see who he thinks he is. See the lies he believes. Someone who hasn't seen the alcohol. Oops - this time, it seems he went to lunch with someone who had a good radar and figured out he was lying...and worked with someone who is friends with me....uh-oh. So they figured it out, and thankfully I have honest, caring friends.
Now you may be thinking -why the hell don't you just get out of there?? Well, that would be easier if it was just me. But there are the kiddos. The ones who love him too - when he's not being the alcoholic. The ones who only know this man as their father. The ones who've had a previous father who was less than human. Besides, I'm finally in a place where I realize that all this drinking, madness, craziness really isn't about me. Yesterday the sun was gorgeous, the day was beautiful. The kids and I got lots done outside that had been put off because of the great tundra-like weather. I saw that hope again. Hope not as the world gives, but hope from God.
Don't worry- I will address this latest issue. With God's strength, help, and words - and TIMING. But I will not give in to the disease. Guilt is my disease, and when it starts talking, I'm choosing to not listen.
Spring is here, and like it or not alcoholism, I'm not leaving. For today.

The Serenity Prayer - I better keep praying!

2010-02-26T06:32:00.000-08:00

This week has been especially hard. I have been struggling with some health issues, and that usually doesn't go over very well with an alcoholic - the attention is not focused on him. To that end, he disappeared for several hours the other day - leaving the car in the driveway, but disappearing in the middle of the night. Sadly, this is not the first time it has happened, but in my weakened state, I reacted more like someone very caught up in the craziness instead of the sane person I'm working on becoming. I hated that feeling of overwhelming fear. It came back so easily. But I fought it - I fought it hard. I continued telling myself what is true, over and over, but that fear was there- putting it's claws into my very soul and trying to establish a hold on me. Luckily, I was able to reach out to my al-anon friend...and I knew what the truth was and where to hear it. That was such a blessing. As usual, in the end, he returned home, acted as though all was normal, and life went on. As it does. What brought me back when I was with my friend was the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Claiming that as my mantra, I go forward to make a life for the children and me. We love you, dear Jack, but we don't have to suffer in your disease with you.

Watching out for the Kids

2010-02-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

I want to be clear - I love my husband very, very much. He is an alcoholic, but I love him. I love the person he was when we got married, before the alcoholism had reared its ugly head. At that time, I didn’t even know he drank. I believe he drank in front of me two times in the two years we dated. Once at a holiday party he had one bottle of beer at a restaurant. Once on a vacation, I believe he bought 12 cans that lasted a week. I don’t love the alcoholic, and I don’t love what he says when he is drinking, but I do love him. I am still in my marriage because I do. However, that being said, I don’t want to underestimate the impact his drinking has on our family.
When you have kids, it seems like alcoholism is even bigger. First the spouse of the alcoholic has to figure out how to cope for herself (I am using the feminine, as that is my experience). If there are kids involved, and they are old enough to talk, she will probably have lots of questions to answer for them as well.
My husband and I were married less than 5 years ago. We each had an older son, younger daughter from our previous marriages. At the time, our children were 22 (Jake), 15(Abby), 10 (LT), and 8 (Maggie). His older, mine younger. He hasn’t adopted my children, but he is the only father my children know/remember. They don’t know their biological father due to safety issues/court order. My husband offered to be and is their DAD. This is one of the things that I love about him…he loved my children too. When we were first married, our (my) daughter, Maggie was 8 years old. She never really saw daddy drinking because he would do it mostly after the kids went to bed. However, as his alcoholism progresses, he has begun to drink earlier and more. She has seen him after a few beers. Before, he may have started drinking at 9 or 9:30 in the evening, now he has begun at 8 or 7:30. He used to drink 6 beers a night, now he drinks 9-12 16 ounce cans OR MORE. She has seen him get drunk. She has asked me some hard questions. Some questions, I didn’t know the answers to either.
(I want to say right now that his increase in drinking more and earlier is not because the kids are now almost all teenagers or older. This is because he is an alcoholic and alcoholism wants all of him. He will continue to get worse unless he decides he wants to stop. Completely. I want this, but I can’t want it for him. He has to get there. Frankly, this is one of the things that sucks about the whole situation. I can realize I can’t change it, I can wish it were different. However, it is not in my control. I can’t even make him see what harm he is causing himself, his children, his marriage, his wife (ME!!). I want to scream. And sometimes I do. But usually only in my head, to God; thank goodness He hears me.)
Often the kids focus on why dad says things that aren’t really true. One such thing they have heard him say is that I don’t love him. LT and Maggie are now 14 and 12. They see how we treat each other on a daily basis. They know that I love him. They want to know why he can’t see this? Why does he always say it sucks to be him, nothing is ever good for him? Why does he say nobody loves him? The best example I could come up with that is on their level (even a year or two ago) is that Dad sees everything through “beer-colored” glasses. His view of the world is kind of like when we put on sunglasses that make everything look greenish or blue-ish. The tree trunks aren’t really green, they are brown. Our house isn’t blue, it is white. But when we see the world through those glasses, it makes things look different than they really are. I explain to them that Dad looks at our life with a beer soaked brain that makes everything colored by the beer. He doesn’t see that we love him, because he hates himself so much, he can’t believe it.
When I first used that example, it seemed to really help. It seemed like they could understand it. Sometimes they’ve asked why he hates himself. I try to explain what I think, what I have observed. In this case, his parents weren’t especially loving, and still aren’t. The stories he tells me about his childhood show me that he truly wants something better for his children – all of them – than he had. The three younger kids have become very good about verbalizing their fears, their worries, their frustrations.
The older is not in our lives. I have a feeling that has a lot to do with alcohol too. My husband doesn’t see the blessings we have, because he’s busy seeing the bad things. That is what alcohol does. It brainwashes, literally, the alcoholic into believing that the only way to survive is to be drunk. Alcoholism is very sneaky and powerful.
I feel very blessed that I have a God who forgives, and I pray that one day, my husband will find that forgiveness for himself. That he will see the God who can forgive his sins, not just everyone else’s. That’s my prayer every morning and evening.
As you face this now 2 month old New Year, if you are looking at the world through glasses that color your world the wrong color, take them off. See what you are missing. It’s a beautiful world out here.

You Are Not Alone

2010-02-02T05:57:00.000-08:00

If you are reading this, it is a safe bet that someone you know is living with an alcoholic. Maybe you did as a child, or you do now, or your best friend’s spouse is one. The most surprising part is that you may not even know it. I have discovered on this journey that you feel so alone because alcoholism is so good at keeping itself hidden from those on the outside. And sometimes, it’s hiding from those inside the house, too. To my knowledge, none of my parents, grandparents, extended family was an alcoholic that I knew about until my aunt married one. Even then, I didn’t know it until he killed himself. I bet there were days when she wondered what she had done wrong, how she could fix him, what could she and the kids do to make it better. The thing is, she never talked to anyone about it. I never even thought about that until right now, as I write this.
Thank God that my friend could see what I was describing as the symptoms of someone living with an alcoholic. She walked me to my first Al-Anon meeting. She sat with me through the whole meeting. No one there looked at me with shame or pity as I sobbed through my first full meeting. I think I was crying at how lost I felt, how hopeless, how alone. But then as I listened to their stories, I was crying more for the fact that I wasn’t alone, others around that table knew how I felt, had even experienced some of the same things as me. I had hope. Even if my alcoholic never gets help, I can get help. Who knew???
I hope that as I begin this journey of blogging that you will find hope in knowing you are not alone, and that you can get help, even if your alcoholic NEVER stops drinking. I continue to find this site so wonderful – www.gettingthemsober.com . For the first ten months of the year, I’d go there and read the bulletin board posts, read the book excerpts, and learn so much about living with an alcoholic. But sometimes I felt so angry because all I read was that we (the family of the alcoholic) can’t do anything to cause, control or cure the alcoholic to drink. I wondered why the website was named “Getting THEM Sober” when we can’t do anything about their drinking?” About 2 months ago, I had a real “A-ha” moment. I finally realized that the site is to help the families and loved ones of alcoholics get sober. I think that was the first time I really got it. In other words - The alcohol makes all of us in the family sick, even as we try to do our best to keep things “normal.” My understanding of that small detail – the name of the website – feels like my first real victory in finding the TRUTH within the lies that surround the alcoholism.
May you and your family find hope here. You are not alone.

Some Great News

2010-01-06T07:30:00.001-08:00

I'm so excited - I've been writing at a great new site - Today's Cliche. I've gotten three posts up. I hope you'll check them out. It has been great, and something I've always wanted to do - write!

After a few posts, this didn't work out. Please check out the great writing by Kat and Dave. They are a great couple. I'll re-post my submissions here!

Just for Today

2009-12-16T13:10:00.001-08:00

Just for today, I'm glad we have a safe, warm home. I'm glad our kids are really very great kids. They have their moments, but they are great. I'm thankful for my family - parents, sibling, what a blessing. Now if I can just keep reminding myself that those are the things that are important, and that I am blessed, I won't focus on what is missing, and wishing for a cure that is not in my control. Just for today, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that my a-h hasn't died from his insane amounts of alcohol he has consumed. There is still hope for him, that he could stop. I am thankful that I found Al-Anon and the great people in it, that showed me I was not alone or crazy.
I need to live just for today. I'm doing what is right for today.

Holidays - They are here

2009-11-30T06:59:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted. I really need to be more regular. I have lots I want to say, but it is hard when there are always people around. The Thanksgiving holiday ended up being pleasant - included all the kids, and I am indeed thankful for that. As usual, the weekend conclusion brought back the alcoholic reality. Thanks be to God, that I am not reacting in the same ways this time. I think I have finally realized what detachment looks like. I don't want anything bad to happen to AH, but I am not going to be sucked in to the crazymaking behavior if I can help it at all. We have a home, health, great kids, and I am not going to let his drinking ruin those things as long as I can help it. Thank you to Al-Anon and to gettingthemsober.com for the wisdom and help to find sanity in the midst of insane behavior. There is no way that people who have never lived in this situation can understand. I'm so thankful for understanding. And for prayers. May you all have a great Monday. May we all have a peace that passes all understanding today.

Seeing it play out

2009-10-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a lot about secondary alcohol disease, and the progression of alcoholism if untreated in the alcoholic. While it is scary to think about, it is also empowering to see that the changes, the patterns of behavior, the cycles, are part of a disease. Although it is still hard - sometimes I get sucked in to the game of blaming me for the alcoholics problems, knowledge of the disease is power. I saw what was happening, and I stopped. I remembered where my boundaries were. It was amazing. I stopped the panic, the fear. It had now power over me. Thank you Toby Rice Drews for your insightful words and your belief that we shouldn't blame the family. Check out this website: http://www.gettingthemsober.com/ . Although I don't think the title is so accurate - unless (as I've just had a revelation...) it is referring to getting the "family" sober. Hmmm, maybe I just had an epiphany! As we can not get them sober - but we can control our own "sobriety." This has been a big help to me. May it also be to you! God is still in control. Thank goodness! Have a great fall day

A first, and a second...

2009-08-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what to call this post. In some ways, it has been a really bad week. But in some ways, more personal, it has been a really good week. It has been the first week where I have truly not lived in a reaction to the way my dear alcoholic has been treating me or acting. I really stepped away - detached - and just lived my life this week. I admit, it was a little scary, but incredibly freeing. I think I finally get the whole detachment idea that I have been struggling with so much. As very much of a people pleaser, it is very difficult to not want to make things all better. In this situation, and many others, I'm realizing, I.can't.do.it.
What a relief. I am not in charge of this person's happiness. While I wish that it was within my power to help, to make things better, it is NOT. I don't have that kind of power. It's really freeing.
On another front, I've also been doing a lot better at not paying any attention to the ramblings of a drunk. They are just words. Words have no power if they are not true. Words that are spoken aloud are not necessarily true. All are new-found ideas to me. I rather enjoy the reality!
Thank you God for showing me your presence this week. I am so thankful for your faithfullness and your care, even when I don't deserve it.

Trust and where to put it

2009-08-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

Does anyone ever have the feeling that you are caught in a "Groundhog Day" like life, except instead of the same day going by over and over again, it is the same round of manic, depressive, hurtful, kind, good, manic, depressive, hurtful, kind, good, manic....you get the drift? Is this the only house that deals with this? We are currently in the depressive, hurtful portion of the cycle. I have been reading a great website, Getting Them Sober. There, I have seen many great posts that talk about the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it will continue to progress as long as there is ongoing drinking in the alcoholic's life. I am seeing that so clearly in this situation. It is like watching a play by play in real life. I often wondered if one consumed such a quantity of alcohol every single day, if they could ever really have it out of their system. It appears from that website, that it is a valid question, and the answer is no -it is not ever out of their system. While I don't enjoy this cycle anymore, I am finally able to see that it is not my fault, I'm not the cause, the cure or controller. Thank you God for that message. And, the site also discusses how the alcohol really does change the brain chemistry, and that when they act so hateful, it is the alcohol talking, as it has such a hold on the alcoholic...and drives them to drink more, earlier, and greater amounts. And tonight, comes the control portion of the cycle. I'm in control because I can go to bed early and not drink. See I don't have a problem.
Thankfully, I know in whom I can trust, and He is sitting at the right hand of God.

Weary, Remember Detachment, What is Important

2009-08-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have been trying so hard to do what is in my control and leave the rest. It seems like I'm not doing so well. I guess what I need to remember is detachment with love. Not let the alcoholic's moods and drama rule my life. I can continue to show love, be there if he is ready for change, but really - he's not going to change right now. I know God is in control. Even here. Ultimately, God has to choose the time that is right to show me another choice. I choose to wait patiently (at least that's my goal) on the Lord. His timing is perfect, and He doesn't make mistakes. He is always here for me, I can trust Him. In God is where I choose to put my trust. Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief. thank you for loving me anyway.

Sometimes You Need To Step Back

2009-08-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

It seems like ofen times, we get so caught up in our life's drama, the chaos surrounding our family, our alcoholic, others, that we see only a small portion of our world. We see the problems or trials we face as so large - looming over every thought, action, feeling, intruding on all aspects of our life. At times, what we really need to do when feeling overwhelmed, is to step back. See if the things we are seeing as so large are really so important on the grand scheme of life. I have come to find that there is no cloud so dark that God can not see through it. I just have to look toward my God - the light that shines in the darkness. And at times, it feels trite, but it is TRUE. Thank you for family and friends who help to shine God's light. May you see the sky through whatever cloud is obscuring the truth.

My time vs. God's time

2009-07-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

There are watches that you can buy that tell time in more than one time zone. I think the world time is available on the internet. I have always wanted to have a watch or link that would tell me where we are in God's time. I know that would defeat the purpose of trusting in our God, and that we can not know what God knows. Sometimes however, it would be fabulous to know that, similar to giving birth to a baby, this period of suffering will END. There is a finite point in time where it will be over. We may not know exactly how long it will last but that baby must come out one way or another. I wish I could know when alcoholism will no longer reign in our household. There are so many ways we are doing better now - having armed ourselves as the family of an alcoholic, with words, wisdom and people who help us understand this disease, but honestly, I am so tired. So very tired. I want to see life through the my Jesus' eyes of hope and compassion. If only I had that watch. I guess I'll just have to settle for trusting Him more and stop trying to fix what I can't.
One day at a time. Thank you God for this beautiful day and your people who are my blessed friends.

The Sun Came Up Today Somewhere...

2009-03-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

It's really cloudy here today, but I know behind those clouds is the Sun. Soon it will be out more often, and things will look better. Things always look better in the sun! Thankfully, in life, things are more calm for now. I understand that this is a part of the cycle, but I'm happy to have these days of more calmness. Much better. Even w/kiddos rotating through viruses, at least there is calm once in a while. Spring come soon - I'm ready to get my hands dirty!

One Day at A Time, Let Go & Let God

2009-01-27T04:56:00.000-08:00

We have been in this cycle of insanity for almost two weeks now. It is starting to get worse. The alcoholic is now treating the kids badly too. Who is it that thinks it is okay to just opt out of the life you sought. You no longer have any responsibilities or worries - you can just stop??? I guess that is an alcoholic's brain that thinks like that. Well, the focus is to be on the day at hand. If you think too much about the insanity you are in, you will in fact go insane. It is supposed to snow today - I say God, open your doors of snow and let it fall. Bring some beauty to this ugly world. Cover all the ugliness and dirtiness with beautiful whiteness. It can be so crisp and delightful. Remember to laugh with the children's laughs - to love them no matter what is going on around. Even if our home is no longer a haven - our family is a haven where we are still loved. Thank you God for that. God, I have asked for whatever it takes to get the alcoholic's attention, to bring him healing. I pray now that you will give me the strength through your holy spirit to wait upon you with complete trust and patience. The alcoholic is going to do what ever he is going to do. I am helpless, but not hopeless.

What does Normal look like when Normal is Crazy?

2009-01-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

We spend a lot of time focusing on the fact that life with an Alcoholic is crazy, but this craziness has become normal to us. When we start focusing on our own behavior, crazy as well, and trying to normalize our responses to a crazy situation - it has been hard for me to know what Normal looks like. Do you feel like that too? It has been a very rough last four days. While my alcoholic is not drinking daily at the moment, the two days of the weekend when he did, just proves even more that not drinking every day is not curing of alcohoolism. He immediately went right back to old behaviors after the 5th beer (plus sized of course, then he doesn't have to buy the case, thereby rationalizing only 12...and it goes on and on and on...). This time though, I said - good night. It was healthy for me. I think my being not emotional and trying to get him to stop, come to bed, etc. has screwed up his routine, and he has been moping for days. I say whatever. At least for today, right now. I can't control his behavior in any way, I can only control my reactions to him. Maybe it's time for a break from the cycle for me. I hope I can remember my higher power is in control, and I am not. That is a key for me.
Have a good day, and if you come read my random thoughts, please let me know. Prayers for you and my family as well....

Alcoholism sucks

2009-01-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

So I've been thinking about blogging for so long. It's been a short but long time coming. Living with an alcoholic is so draining. I want somewhere to talk about it. I hope that I can stay focused on the positive things. I love my Al-Anon group. They are an amazing group of people who always have something good to say - a way to make it seem like there is light in the world. But sometimes, the chaos and constant roller coaster ride are too much. It is so hard to come home from church to find out I've been a horrible wife the past 3 months, and my husband wants nothing to do with me, but yesterday when I got up I was sweetie, and loved and cherished. What happened to that person? Is it wrong to want a time of calm? I never knew anyone like this before. Why did I have to be sucked in and never get a view of what I was getting until after marriage, after my children love this man as the father they never had, after I love the other children as if I'd given birth to them. It is so not fair. I thank God that He is in control and I am not. He loves us more than I love any of my family, a concept I sometimes can't really get, but I have to belive. I have to believe that He can do immeasurably more than I can ask and believe. I have to. Otherwise, I couldn't get up in the morning.
I hope you'll comment if you're reading this. Bless you.